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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (film) Quotes

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (film) is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum completed its run in 1970.

It features Melvin Frank as producer, Stephen Sondheim in charge of musical score, and Nicolas Roeg as head of cinematography.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom, and United States. Each episode of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (film) is 99 minutes long. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (film) is distributed by United Artists.

The cast includes: Michael Crawford as Hero, Zero Mostel as Pseudolus, Annette Andre as Philia, Buster Keaton as Erronius, Jack Gilford as Hysterium, Phil Silvers as Lycus, Leon Greene as Miles Gloriosus, Michael Hordern as Senex, Patricia Jessel as Domina, Peter Butterworth as Roman Sentry, and Jon Pertwee as Crassus.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (film) Quotes

Leon Greene as Miles Gloriosus

  • (Leon Greene) "What is she like?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "A face so fair, a heart so pure; Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she."
  • (Leon Greene) "As magnificent as that?"
  • (Leon Greene) "Stand aside everyone."
  • (Leon Greene) "I take large steps."
  • (Leon Greene) "But first, a farewell kiss."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Of course."
  • (Leon Greene) "Not you."
  • (Leon Greene) "You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children."
  • (Leon Greene) "Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen."
  • (Leon Greene) "Now, back to Rome for a quick wedding; and some slow executions."
  • (Leon Greene) "Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Very good. Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?"

Patricia Jessel as Domina

  • (Patricia Jessel) "Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years."
  • (Domina's Mother) "Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans."
  • (Patricia Jessel) "But Mother, what can I do?"
  • (Domina's Mother) "Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go."
  • (Patricia Jessel) "A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting."
  • (Michael Hordern) "Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door --"
  • (Patricia Jessel) "That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?"
  • (Jack Gilford) "Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose."
  • (Michael Hordern) "Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone."

Buster Keaton as Erronius

  • (Buster Keaton) "These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see --"
  • (Buster Keaton) "My daughter, a eunuch?"

Annette Andre as Philia

  • (Annette Andre) "That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace."
  • (Zero Mostel) "He raped Thrace?"
  • (Annette Andre) "And then he came and did it again. And then again."
  • (Zero Mostel) "He raped Thrace thrice?"

Zero Mostel as Pseudolus

  • (Zero Mostel) "We'll need a body. Anybody's body."
  • (Jack Gilford) "Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "He owes me a favor. But he died yesterday."
  • (Jack Gilford) "Uh; what about HIS body?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see -- who do we know that's dead?"
  • (Jack Gilford) "I wish I was."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?"
  • (Jack Gilford) "One of us isn't ready yet."
  • (Zero Mostel) "I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces."
  • (Fertilla) "My man has come for me."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Good. Where is he?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "What can happen in an hour or two?"
  • (Jack Gilford) "At his age, the mind boggles."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Sir. You're back."
  • (Michael Hordern) "She almost broke it."
  • (Zero Mostel) "An honest virgin. What a terrible combination."
  • (Zero Mostel) "He gets to look more and more like his father every day."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Calm yourself down. I'll tell you when it's time to panic."
  • (Leon Greene) "I smell mischief here."
  • (Zero Mostel) "It's time."
  • (Zero Mostel) "I say. You are in need of a soothsayer."
  • (Buster Keaton) "How did you know?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't."
  • (Zero Mostel) "A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?"
  • (Michael Crawford) "Is that disgraceful?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "There's no way to make it sound like an achievement."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there -- smiling."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Was 1 a good year?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "You must never know what goes on in that house."
  • (Michael Crawford) "But I do know."
  • (Zero Mostel) "You do? Isn't it amazing."

Peter Butterworth as Roman Sentry

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Michael Crawford as Hero

  • (Michael Crawford) "Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Be the first. Start a fashion."
  • (Michael Crawford) "Hysterium, this is Philia."
  • (Jack Gilford) "Never mind who she is. Who IS she?"
  • (Michael Crawford) "For us there will never be happiness."
  • (Annette Andre) "We must learn to be happy without it."

Jack Gilford as Hysterium

  • (Jack Gilford) "Rather than let you down, I would die."
  • (Patricia Jessel) "That is what I had in mind."
  • (Jack Gilford) "Pseudolus --"
  • (Zero Mostel) "I'm Lycus."
  • (Jack Gilford) "But, Pseudolus --"
  • (Zero Mostel) "I'm Lycus."
  • (Jack Gilford) "But, Pseudolus;."
  • (Zero Mostel) "I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery."
  • (Jack Gilford) "Well, Lycus; all right, Lycus. He's Lycus."
  • (Jack Gilford) "My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Your father is alive."
  • (Jack Gilford) "Well -- this will kill him."
  • (Jack Gilford) "How dare you call me a eunuch?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?"

Phil Silvers as Lycus

  • (Phil Silvers) "I'll kill him. I'll kill him."
  • (Jon Pertwee) "Who?"
  • (Phil Silvers) "The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome."
  • (Jon Pertwee) "Oh, Pseudolus."
  • (Phil Silvers) "Is it contagious?"
  • (Zero Mostel) "Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?"
  • (Phil Silvers) "This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens."
  • (Phil Silvers) "A new god, but a very hard worker."
  • (Phil Silvers) "She was sold just this morning."
  • (Michael Crawford) "Sold. Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Behave yourself."
  • (Phil Silvers) "He'll pick her up within the hour."
  • (Michael Crawford) "Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade."
  • (Zero Mostel) "Put your bosom away."

Michael Hordern as Senex

  • (Michael Hordern) "A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse."
  • (Michael Hordern) "Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been -- my heart bleeds for you."

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