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Airplane! Quotes

Airplane! is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . Airplane! ended in 1970.

It features Jon Davison (film producer) as producer, Elmer Bernstein in charge of musical score, and Joseph Biroc as head of cinematography.

Airplane! is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Airplane! is 87 minutes long. Airplane! is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Robert Hays as Ted Striker, Leslie Nielsen as Rumack, Julie Hagerty as Elaine Dickinson, Lloyd Bridges as Steve McCroskey, Stephen Stucker as Johnny, Rossie Harris as Joey, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as Roger Murdock, Frank Ashmore as Victor Basta, Kenneth Tobey as Striped controller, Lee Bryant as Mrs. Hammen, Lorna Patterson as Randy, Barbara Billingsley as Jive Lady, Robert Stack as Rex Kramer, Julie Hagerty as Elaine, Kenneth Tobey as Air Controller Macias, Jonathan Banks as Gunderson, Kenneth Tobey as Controller, and Leslie Nielsen as Jack.

Airplane! Quotes

Kenneth Tobey as Controller

  • (Kenneth Tobey) "Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the searchlights now."
  • (Robert Stack) "No -- that's just what they'll be expecting us to do."
  • (Kenneth Tobey) "I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air -- yes, birds too."

Robert Stack as Rex Kramer

  • (Robert Stack) "Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked -- in the head -- with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question -- skip that."
  • (Robert Stack) "Passengers certain to die."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Airline negligent."
  • (Stephen Stucker) "There's a sale at Penney's."
  • (Robert Stack) "No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame-out is too great. Keep 'em at 24,000. No, feet."
  • (Robert Stack) "Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."
  • (Robert Stack) "Don't be a fool, Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there."
  • (Robert Hays) "No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it, Kramer?"
  • (Robert Stack) "Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can."
  • (Robert Stack) "Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?"
  • (Robert Hays) "No, never."
  • (Robert Stack) "s***. This is a God damn waste of time. There's no way he can land this plane."
  • (Robert Stack) "All right, I'll need three men up at the tower. You, Neubauer. You, Macias."
  • (Stephen Stucker) "Me, John, big tree."
  • (Robert Stack) "Get that finger out of your ear. You don't know where that finger's been."
  • (Robert Stack) "There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast."
  • (Robert Hays) "I know, I know."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "He knows, he knows."
  • (Robert Stack) "Later we'll run down the landing procedures."
  • (Robert Stack) "Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Bein' done right now."

Julie Hagerty as Elaine Dickinson

  • (Julie Hagerty) "You got a letter from headquarters this morning."
  • (Robert Hays) "What is it?"
  • (Julie Hagerty) "It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "Would you like something to read?"
  • (Hanging Lady) "Do you have anything light?"
  • (Julie Hagerty) "How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?""
  • (Julie Hagerty) "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking -- We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight -- By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
  • (Julie Hagerty) "Ted. What are you doing here? You can't fly this plane."
  • (Robert Hays) "That's what I'm trying to tell these people."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with a man I don't respect."
  • (Robert Hays) "What a pisser."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "Would you gentlemen care to order your dinners?"
  • (First Jive Dude) "Bet, babe. Slide a piece o' da' porter. Drinks, I run da' java."
  • (Second Jive Dude) "Lookie here. I can dig grease 'n chompin' on some buns and draggin' through the garden."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "-- Ted, the altitude. We're falling, Ted. We're falling. The mountains, Ted. The mountains."
  • (Robert Hays) "What mountains? We're over IOWA."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "The -- THE CORNFIELDS, TED. THE CORNFIELDS."

Stephen Stucker as Johnny

  • (Stephen Stucker) "Where did you get that dress, it's awful, and those shoes and that coat, jeeeeez."
  • (Reporter) "What kind of plane is it?"
  • (Stephen Stucker) "Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol."
  • (Stephen Stucker) "The tower, the tower. Rapunzel, Rapunzel."
  • (Stephen Stucker) "Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto. It's a twister. It's a twister."

Leslie Nielsen as Rumack

  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Captain, how soon can you land?"
  • (Captain Oveur) "I can't tell."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "You can tell me. I'm a doctor."
  • (Captain Oveur) "No. I mean I'm just not sure."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Well, can't you take a guess?"
  • (Captain Oveur) "Well, not for another two hours."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "You can't take a guess for another two hours?"
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said, "The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad the Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip."
  • (Robert Hays) "George Zip said that?"
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure.""
  • (Robert Hays) "Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Can you fly this plane, and land it?"
  • (Robert Hays) "Surely you can't be serious."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "I am serious -- and don't call me Shirley."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "What's going on? We have a right to know the truth."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill -- slightly ill."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "But the other two pilots -- they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane -- free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment."
  • (Captain Oveur) "What is it, Doctor? What's going on?"
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "What was it we had for dinner tonight?"
  • (Julie Hagerty) "Well, we had a choice of steak or fish."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?"
  • (Julie Hagerty) "No."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "A hospital? What is it?"
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence"
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time."
  • (Robert Hays) "Surely there must be something you can do."
  • (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm doing everything I can -- and stop calling me Shirley."

Robert Hays as Ted Striker

  • (Robert Hays) "It was at that moment that I first realized Elaine had doubts about our relationship. And that, as much as anything else, led to my drinking problem."
  • (Robert Hays) "Mayday. Mayday."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "What the heck is that?"
  • (Stephen Stucker) "Why, that's the Russian New Year. We can have a parade and serve hot hors d'oeuvres --"
  • (Robert Hays) "Let's see -- altitude: 21,000 feet. Speed: 520 knots. Level flight. Course: zero-niner-zero. Trim and mixture: wash, soak, rinse, spin."
  • (Robert Hays) "My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "When will you be back?"
  • (Robert Hays) "I can't tell you that. It's classified."
  • (Robert Hays) "The oil pressure. I forgot to check the oil pressure. When Kramer hears about this, the s***'s going to hit the fan."
  • (Robert Hays) "I've got to concentrate --"
  • (Robert Hays) "concentrate -- concentrate -- I've got to concentrate -- concentrate -- concentrate -- Hello? -- hello -- hello -- Echo -- echo -- echo -- Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon -- Manny Mota -- Mota -- Mota --"
  • (Robert Hays) "It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman."
  • (Lieutenant Hurwitz) "You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses --"
  • (Robert Hays) "War is hell."
  • (Hanging Lady) "Nervous?"
  • (Robert Hays) "Yes."
  • (Hanging Lady) "First time?"
  • (Robert Hays) "No, I've been nervous lots of times."
  • (Robert Hays) "Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning."
  • (Robert Hays) "It was a rough place; the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit."
  • (Robert Hays) "It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts."
  • (Julie Hagerty) "It's a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts."

Lloyd Bridges as Steve McCroskey

  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Johnny, what can you make out of this?"
  • (Stephen Stucker) "This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl --"
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "It's coming right at us."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Gunderson, check the Radar Range. Anything yet?"
  • (Jonathan Banks) "About two more minutes, chief."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Two more minutes? They could be miles off course."
  • (Robert Stack) "That's impossible. They're on instruments."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."
  • (Lloyd Bridges) "Now your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious."
  • (Stephen Stucker) "Just like Gerald Ford."

Rossie Harris as Joey

  • (Rossie Harris) "Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot."
  • (Rossie Harris) "You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?"
  • (Captain Oveur) "Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay here."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "But just remember, my name is --"
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot."
  • (Rossie Harris) "I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense."
  • (Rossie Harris) "And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try -- except during the playoffs."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "The hell I don't. LISTEN, KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes."
  • (Captain Oveur) "You ever been in a cockpit before?"
  • (Rossie Harris) "No sir, I've never been up in a plane before."
  • (Captain Oveur) "You ever seen a grown man naked?"

Lorna Patterson as Randy

  • (Lorna Patterson) "Can I get you something?"
  • (Second Jive Dude) "'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE. Jackin' me up -- tight me."
  • (Lorna Patterson) "I'm sorry, I don't understand."
  • (First Jive Dude) "Cutter say 'e can't HANG."
  • (Barbara Billingsley) "Oh, stewardess. I speak jive."
  • (Lorna Patterson) "Oh, good."
  • (Barbara Billingsley) "He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him."
  • (Lorna Patterson) "All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?"
  • (Barbara Billingsley) "Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side."
  • (Second Jive Dude) "What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap."
  • (Barbara Billingsley) "Cut me some slack, Jack. Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help."
  • (First Jive Dude) "Say 'e can't hang, say seven up."
  • (Barbara Billingsley) "Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow. Shiiiiit."

Lee Bryant as Mrs. Hammen

  • (Lee Bryant) "Jim never vomits at home."
  • (Lee Bryant) "Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home."

Jonathan Banks as Gunderson

  • (Jonathan Banks) "He's all over the place. Nine hundred feet up to 1300 feet. What an asshole."

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as Roger Murdock

  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off."
  • (Captain Oveur) "Roger."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "Huh?"
  • (Unnamed) "L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er."
  • (Captain Oveur) "Roger."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "Huh?"
  • (Frank Ashmore) "Request vector, over."
  • (Captain Oveur) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "We have clearance, Clarence."
  • (Captain Oveur) "Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?"
  • (Unnamed) "Tower's radio clearance, over."
  • (Captain Oveur) "That's Clarence Oveur. Over."
  • (Unnamed) "Over."
  • (Captain Oveur) "Roger."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "Huh?"
  • (Unnamed) "Roger, over."
  • (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) "What?"
  • (Captain Oveur) "Huh?"
  • (Frank Ashmore) "Who?"

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