ALF (TV series) Quotes

ALF is a Sitcom that first aired in 1986 on NBC. ALF ended its run in 1990.

ALF lasted 4 seasons and 99 (original run) episodes. It features Paul Fusco as producer, Alf Clausen as theme composer, and Alf Clausen as composer. ALF is executive produced by Bernie Brillstein. ALF is created by Paul Fusco.

ALF is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of ALF is 24 minutes long. ALF is produced by Paul Fusco and distributed by Warner Bros. Television.

The cast includes: Max Wright as Willie, Paul Fusco as ALF, Anne Schedeen as Kate, Andrea Elson as Lynn, Benji Gregory as Brian, John LaMotta as Trevor Ochmonek, Josh Blake as Jake Ochmonek, and Anne Meara as Dorothy.

ALF Quotes

Benji Gregory as Brian

(Benji Gregory) "Do you get Sesame Street where you live?"
(Paul Fusco) "No, and frankly I don't get it here either."

(Benji Gregory) "ALF wouldn't eat Lucky, would he?"
(Paul Fusco) "I'm not saying nothing until I speak to my attorney."

(Benji Gregory) "Your name's really Gordon?"
(Paul Fusco) "Yeah, Gordon."
(Benji Gregory) "That's funny."
(Paul Fusco) "It was my mother's maiden name, all right?"

Paul Fusco as ALF

(Paul Fusco) "Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?"

(Paul Fusco) "That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home."
(Max Wright) "But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?"
(Paul Fusco) "Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?"
(Max Wright) "Don't you see the connection?"
(Paul Fusco) "What connection?"
(Max Wright) "I give up."
(Paul Fusco) "Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae."

(Paul Fusco) "Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere, it'll be a smash."

(Paul Fusco) "Haaa. I kill me."

(Paul Fusco) "It's the day before Christmas, I've hidden all the eggs."
(Max Wright) "ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas."
(Paul Fusco) "Oh, that's right. Christmas is where we carve the pumpkin."

(Paul Fusco) "All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's -- uh -- there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John."
(Andrea Elson) "No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen --"
(Paul Fusco) "Huey, Duey and Luey."
(Benji Gregory) "No, those are ducks."
(Paul Fusco) "Then how do they pull the sleigh?"

(Paul Fusco) "Carl Jung was a big weenyhead."

(Paul Fusco) "I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here."
(Andrea Elson) "That won't be necessary."
(Paul Fusco) "Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes."

(Paul Fusco) "And have you thought about what happens to me, when that "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge?"
(Anne Schedeen) "What do you mean your fridge?"
(Paul Fusco) "Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine."

(Paul Fusco) "How about a hug for the ol' ALFer."

(Paul Fusco) "Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken?"
(Max Wright) "If you were in the woods."

(Paul Fusco) "Then it happened. He came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him."
(Paul Fusco) "Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong."
(Burglar) "Must be one of those talking dolls."
(Paul Fusco) "Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?"

(Paul Fusco) "Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish."

(Paul Fusco) "Tell me, which side of the earth does this nose come from? Ha."

(Paul Fusco) "Hey, you. Get offa my cloud."

(Paul Fusco) "Willie, it was an accident."
(Max Wright) "An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?"
(Paul Fusco) "Alright, let's call it a mistake."

(Paul Fusco) "Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger."

(Paul Fusco) "Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian."
(Anne Schedeen) "What's wrong with Brian?"
(Paul Fusco) "He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately."
(Anne Schedeen) "All right. That's it."
(Max Wright) "Calm down."
(Paul Fusco) "Stop ventilating."
(Anne Schedeen) "I am not ventilating. I am talking."
(Anne Schedeen) "And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up."
(Paul Fusco) "You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress."
(Max Wright) "And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand."
(Paul Fusco) "Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay."
(Max Wright) "This must stop."
(Paul Fusco) "That's right. A good scream. Let it fly."
(Max Wright) "You cannot keep aggravating people like this."
(Paul Fusco) "Why do you hate your mother?"

(Paul Fusco) "I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes --"
(Paul Fusco) ""ak-ak-ak-ak-ak.""
(Max Wright) "You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?"
(Paul Fusco) "No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak.""

(Paul Fusco) "I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak.""

(Paul Fusco) "How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife."
(Benji Gregory) "There's no blade."
(Paul Fusco) "Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough."

(Paul Fusco) "Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?"
(Max Wright) "Lash? How do you know about Lash?"
(Paul Fusco) "Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel --"
(Paul Fusco) "-- Geez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?"

(Paul Fusco) "I'm a cursed Melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned."
(Anne Schedeen) "Goshdarned?"
(Paul Fusco) "Ours was a polite society."

(Paul Fusco) "You are getting sleepy. You -- are no longer a cat. You are a bagel."

(Paul Fusco) "Kate, there's no TV in here."
(Anne Schedeen) "We'll let you use the portable TV."
(Paul Fusco) "The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye."

(Aaron King) "What the heck are you?"
(Paul Fusco) "I ain't nothing but a hound dog."
(Aaron King) "Hound dogs don't talk"
(Paul Fusco) "Neither do dead singers"

(Paul Fusco) "Justice will not rest."
(Anne Schedeen) "What if I gave justice a cookie?"
(Paul Fusco) "Justice will think about it."

(Paul Fusco) "I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops."

(Paul Fusco) "We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs."
(Max Wright) "I would have guessed all ten."

(Paul Fusco) "To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage."
(Andrea Elson) "I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was."
(Paul Fusco) "The day they met me?"
(Andrea Elson) "Think again."
(Paul Fusco) "The day after they met me."
(Andrea Elson) "Keep thinking."
(Paul Fusco) "I can't. My brain hurts."

(Paul Fusco) "A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe.""

(Paul Fusco) "Hey, Willie. Let's throw a cat on the barbie."

(Paul Fusco) "Uh, can I make a suggestion? Hello, read my lips."

(Paul Fusco) "Mind if I showed you a trick ?"
(Anne Schedeen) "The last time you showed me a trick, it took three weeks for my eyebrows to grow back."
(Paul Fusco) "I told you not to lean in."

(Aaron King) "ALF, I've had it with this Elvis thing. Look, I'll prove it to you."
(Paul Fusco) "WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA., no wonder your baby left you if you've been singing like that.. Stinkaroni."
(Aaron King) "Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?"
(Paul Fusco) "You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while."
(Aaron King) "Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King."
(Paul Fusco) "But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis."

(Paul Fusco) "On Melmac, we have 1st class, 2nd class and ham."

(Paul Fusco) "Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long; Everybody. Gone the holy day --"
(Max Wright) "ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all."
(Paul Fusco) "Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?"

(Paul Fusco) "Who said I'm gonna walk? I'm gonna drive my new Mercedes. What do you say? Burgundy with the tan interior."

(Paul Fusco) "A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon."

(Paul Fusco) "Hey, what's going on in here?"
(Max Wright) "We're having a family meeting."
(Paul Fusco) "Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family."
(Anne Schedeen) "Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges."
(Paul Fusco) "I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon."
(Benji Gregory) "Curly was a senator once."
(Paul Fusco) "True, and Moe was Speaker of the House."
(Max Wright) "Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute?"
(Paul Fusco) "Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha."

(Paul Fusco) "Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope."
(Max Wright) "Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?"
(Paul Fusco) "Trust me on this one."

(Paul Fusco) "I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll."
(Max Wright) "I'm not convinced."
(Paul Fusco) "OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball."
(Max Wright) "ALF, you are grasping at straws."
(Paul Fusco) "OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis."

(Paul Fusco) "Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it.""

(Paul Fusco) "Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?"
(Anne Schedeen) "Why?"
(Paul Fusco) "The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?"
(Anne Schedeen) "Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar."
(Paul Fusco) "Rules rules rules."
(Paul Fusco) "Grease fire grease fire."
(Paul Fusco) "Never mind the curtains put me out."

(Paul Fusco) "The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey."
(Paul Fusco) "Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?"
(Paul Fusco) ""ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?"
(Paul Fusco) "Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes."
(Paul Fusco) "Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork."

(Paul Fusco) "Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct."

(Paul Fusco) "How can I read with all this quiet?"

(Paul Fusco) "I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs."
(Max Wright) "Hence the term "musical.""
(Paul Fusco) "Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -""
(Max Wright) "It's getting on my nerves."
(Paul Fusco) "So what musical are you going to go see today?"
(Max Wright) ""Cats.""
(Paul Fusco) "Take me, please. Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors."

(Paul Fusco) "Are you decent?"
(Max Wright) "Does it matter?"
(Paul Fusco) "Not to me."

(Paul Fusco) "Kate, have I ever lied to you?"
(Anne Schedeen) "Yes. Several times."
(Paul Fusco) "I meant today."

(Paul Fusco) "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it."

(Paul Fusco) "Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name. If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours."

(Paul Fusco) "I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want."
(Andrea Elson) "And you lose weight that way?"
(Paul Fusco) "You do?"

Josh Blake as Jake Ochmonek

(Josh Blake) "Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to Kitch."
(Andrea Elson) "Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios."

(Josh Blake) "Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her."
(Paul Fusco) "Danger, Will Robinson."

(Josh Blake) "What are you, anyway?"
(Paul Fusco) "I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of."
(Josh Blake) "Like what?"
(Paul Fusco) "Uhhhm -- I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom."

(Josh Blake) "Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway?"
(Paul Fusco) "'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher."

Max Wright as Willie

(Max Wright) "There's more than one way to skin a cat."
(Paul Fusco) "You've been looking at my recipe book."

(Max Wright) "You know, Trevor. It seems this young man is a little Mister Fix-it."
(Andrea Elson) "Little Mister Fix-it. How cute."
(Josh Blake) "You want me, don't you?"

(Max Wright) "This is a jigsaw puzzle."
(Paul Fusco) "It's broken."
(Max Wright) "That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together."
(Paul Fusco) "Why? I didn't break it."

(Max Wright) "If you had eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry."
(Max Wright) "That's a sentence I never thought I would hear myself say."

(Max Wright) "Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it."
(Paul Fusco) "I bet I can get it out of him."
(Max Wright) "LEAVE THE MAN ALONE., LEAVE HIM ALONE."
(Paul Fusco) "So what are you saying?, Leave the man alone?"

(Max Wright) "He's odd. Even for an alien."

(Max Wright) "How long are you gonna keep this up?"
(Paul Fusco) "Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?"
(Max Wright) "No."
(Paul Fusco) "Well, I'd like to."

(Max Wright) "Go back to the tent."
(Paul Fusco) "It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife."
(Max Wright) "There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard."
(Paul Fusco) "I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths"
(Paul Fusco) "."
(Max Wright) "That was my new garden hose."
(Paul Fusco) "Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot."

(Max Wright) "When the babysitter is here, ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic."
(Paul Fusco) "Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?"
(Max Wright) "Were all making adjustments here, ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much --"
(Paul Fusco) "Attica. Attica. Attica."

(Max Wright) "You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny."

(Max Wright) "Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do."
(Paul Fusco) "Well, that explains Ghostbusters II."

(Max Wright) "I'm gonna have my hamburger medium."
(Paul Fusco) "Medium? They are all the same size. Extra large."

(Max Wright) "I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?"
(Paul Fusco) "Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?""

(Max Wright) "Do you know how long; looooooong -- It took me ten years to put that thing together."
(Paul Fusco) "I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life."

(Max Wright) "Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief."
(Paul Fusco) "You do?"
(Max Wright) "Not really, but we gotta go."

(Max Wright) "You can't vote, ALF, you're not a citizen."
(Paul Fusco) "I'll apply for a green card."
(Max Wright) "That's only if you want a job."
(Paul Fusco) "Pass."
(Paul Fusco) "I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato."
(Max Wright) "ALF --"
(Paul Fusco) "Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine."
(Max Wright) "ALF."
(Paul Fusco) "You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets."
(Max Wright) "Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote."
(Paul Fusco) "Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets."
(Max Wright) "How many cups of coffee have you had?"
(Paul Fusco) "Forty. Why?"

(Max Wright) "Isn't there anybody else you could bother?"
(Paul Fusco) "We voted. You were the people's choice."

(Max Wright) "I never meant to bring Jimbo over."
(Paul Fusco) "You brought an elephant home to dinner?"
(Max Wright) "I said Jimbo, not Jumbo."

(Max Wright) "Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor; Mrs. Ochmonek."
(Paul Fusco) "Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo."

Anne Schedeen as Kate

(Anne Schedeen) "Don't break that remote."
(Paul Fusco) "Kate, have I ever broken anything?"
(Paul Fusco) "Well, lately?"
(Paul Fusco) "This week?"
(Paul Fusco) "Today?"
(Paul Fusco) "Since breakfast?"

(Anne Schedeen) "Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?"
(Paul Fusco) "It was an atomic bomb."
(Max Wright) "It was a pool heather."
(Paul Fusco) "Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool."
(Anne Schedeen) "Yes, they do."
(Paul Fusco) "They do? Can we go over?"

(Anne Schedeen) "ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom."
(Paul Fusco) "But it's too small. It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito."

(Anne Schedeen) "If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me."
(Josh Blake) "It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more -- she's beautiful."
(Anne Schedeen) "I see."
(Paul Fusco) "You've got a way with women."

(Anne Schedeen) "What are you doing?"
(Paul Fusco) "Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada."
(Anne Schedeen) "Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn."
(Paul Fusco) "Aaah."
(Anne Schedeen) "Sorry."
(Paul Fusco) "Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts."
(Anne Schedeen) "Well, would you like some cold cream?"
(Paul Fusco) "Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet."
(Anne Schedeen) "It's for your nose."
(Paul Fusco) "That's where I'm trying to lose the weight."
(Anne Schedeen) "ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?"
(Paul Fusco) "You're talking like they're two different things."
(Anne Schedeen) "They are. Haven't you been listening?"
(Paul Fusco) "What is this, healing through hollering?"

Andrea Elson as Lynn

(Andrea Elson) "You have a cousin named Blinky?"
(Paul Fusco) "Well, we call him that because he likes to eat lightbulbs."

(Andrea Elson) "He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor."
(Paul Fusco) "I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at."
(Max Wright) "You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope."
(Paul Fusco) "I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats."

(Andrea Elson) "Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you?"
(Paul Fusco) "I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts."
(Andrea Elson) "We will."

(Andrea Elson) "ALF, hold still. I want to get it even."
(Paul Fusco) "Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz."
(Anne Schedeen) "I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance."
(Paul Fusco) "You think I wake up looking this good?"
(Anne Schedeen) "Doorbell."
(Paul Fusco) "Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah. Beat ya to it."
(Andrea Elson) "Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up."
(Paul Fusco) "Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure."
(Andrea Elson) "Welcher."

Anne Meara as Dorothy

(Anne Meara) "You don't have to make rude noises."
(Paul Fusco) "That's okay. I don't mind."

John LaMotta as Trevor Ochmonek

(John LaMotta) "Hey, Willie. Could we borrow some of your tools?"
(Max Wright) "Sure. They're in your garage."

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