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'Allo 'Allo! Quotes

is a Sitcom that appeared on TV in 1982 on BBC One. 'Allo 'Allo! ended its run in 1992.

aired for 85 episodes. It features David Croft (TV producer) as producer.

is produced by BBC and distributed by BBC Worldwide.


  • (Officer Crabtree) "There is obviously no piss for the wicked."
  • (Flying Officer Fairfax) "Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again."
  • (Edith) "No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff."
  • (René) "Edith, the Germans take the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused?"
  • (Yvette Carte-Blanche) "We are much more attractive. They will take us."
  • (René) "And suppose there is a rush?"
  • (Flying Officer Carstairs) "What are they saying, Fairfax?"
  • (Flying Officer Fairfax) "I've no idea; it's all in French."
  • (René) "Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against."
  • (René) "Oh, 'eck."
  • (Flying Officer Carstairs) "What was all that about?"
  • (Flying Officer Fairfax) "I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go."
  • (Flying Officer Carstairs) "Is he like "that," then?"
  • (Flying Officer Fairfax) "Oh, yes."
  • (René) "And they must not speak."
  • (Flying Officer Carstairs) "What does that mean?"
  • (Flying Officer Fairfax) "Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone."
  • (Flying Officer Carstairs) "Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it."
  • (Lt. Hubert Gruber) "Would you like to come for a ride in my little tank?"
  • (René) "Youuuuuu stupid woman."
  • (Capt. Bertorelli) "You are a beyoodiful lyedee, but what a cow."
  • (René) "Man of a thousand faces, every one the same."
  • (Monsieur Alfonse) "Oh, my dicky ticker."
  • (René) "We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet."
  • (Capt. Bertorelli) "What a mistake-a to make-a."
  • (Michelle Dubois) "Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once."
  • (René) "Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?"
  • (Edith) "Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before."
  • (René) "What, in tune?"
  • (Officer Crabtree) "There is obviously no piss for the wicked."
  • (Officer Crabtree) "I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty."
  • (Col. Von Strom) "Ah, Helga. What can we do for you?"
  • (Capt. Hans Geering) "Judging from past experience, very little."
  • (Herr Flick) "This is very serious. The Gestapo is only insured for third party."
  • (Capt. Hans Geering) "'tler."
  • (Herr Flick) "I will not be reporting this incident to Berlin. I do not wish to look a right 'nana."
  • (Officer Crabtree) "My lips are soiled."
  • (Capt. Hans Geering) "Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau."
  • (René) "Simple plans are always the best."
  • (Officer Crabtree) "Good Moaning."
  • (Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen) "Guards. Arrest all Gypsies driving fire engines."
  • (Officer Crabtree) "God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge."
  • (Yvette Carte-Blanche) "Rene, what are you doing?"
  • (René) "Cutting my throat, my love."
  • (Col. Von Strom) "Do you think he has a screw loose?"
  • (Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen) "In my opinion, a whole Meccano set is falling apart in there."
  • (René) "But you won't shoot me?"
  • (Col. Von Strom) "That goes without saying."
  • (René) "I would feel better if you said it, just the same."
  • (Flying Officer Carstairs) "Look at my knees"
  • (René) "Why is he showing you his knees?"
  • (Michelle Dubois) "He was a scrubber at ze nunnery."
  • (René) "No wonder they threw him out."
  • (René) "Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows."
  • (Michelle Dubois) "Screw your windows."
  • (Capt. Hans Geering) "Rene, your wife has many talents."
  • (Col. Von Strom) "Singing isn't one of them."
  • (René) "But if Herr Flick knows about that he will shoot me -- slowly and painfully."
  • (Roger Leclerc) "It is I, Leclerc."
  • (Officer Crabtree) "I was pissing by the door when I heard a shat."
  • (Lt. Hubert Gruber) "You notice I am walking very gingerly."
  • (René) "Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers."
  • (Lt. Hubert Gruber) "You should not believe everything you hear, Rene."
  • (Officer Crabtree) "Good moaning, Herr Flock. And von Smellhorsen."
  • (René) "You stupid woman."
  • (Herr Flick) "I have a box of sharp needles somewhere."
  • (Herr Flick) "Ah, here they are."
  • (Helga) "What have you in mind, Herr Flick?"
  • (Herr Flick) "I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing."
  • (Helga) "Hitler's speeches quite amusing?"
  • (Herr Flick) "Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck."
  • (Unnamed) "And then we shall throw these useless old bodies into the Seine."

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