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Almost Heroes Quotes

Almost Heroes is a television program that debuted in 1970 . Almost Heroes ended in 1970.

It features Denise Di Novi as producer, Jeffrey C.J. Vanston in charge of musical score, and Adam Kimmel as head of cinematography.

Almost Heroes is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Almost Heroes is 95 minutes long. Almost Heroes is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Chris Farley as Hunt, Hamilton Camp as Pratt, Matthew Perry as Edwards, Patrick Cranshaw as Jackson, Steven M. Porter as Higgins, Eugene Levy as Guy Fontenot, and David Packer as Bidwell.

Almost Heroes Quotes

Chris Farley as Hunt

  • (Chris Farley) "I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that thing on her neck."
  • (Chris Farley) "The next man who leaves for New Orleans"
  • (Chris Farley) "will do so with a lead ball in his back."
  • (Chris Farley) "Muh -- Hah-buh --"
  • (Unnamed) "I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones."
  • (Chris Farley) "Good God, Lady."
  • (Chris Farley) "What I remembered the most were the animals."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Ah, the animals --"
  • (Chris Farley) "Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful -- that it snapped a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh. Garrgghh. I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off. Right off. Nothing you can do with that. Just rip it off. Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky -- Aggghhh. Aggghhh. Aggghhh. And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh. Auuuggghhh. The fella was screaming, "I'm blind. I can't see." Twice when I was fishing --"
  • (Steven M. Porter) "THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW."
  • (Steven M. Porter) "We can't kill it. We're all dead. God save us."
  • (Chris Farley) "Hold your fire. Hold your fire."
  • (Chris Farley) "It's only a squirrel."
  • (Hamilton Camp) "He's got something in his hand."
  • (Eugene Levy) "Something in his hand."
  • (Chris Farley) "Walk to Asia? I like it."

Hamilton Camp as Pratt

  • (Hamilton Camp) "Bidwell? Bidwell. I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell sir. He's failed to communicate with the me, by way of his ear --"
  • (Matthew Perry) "It doesn't work that way, it doesn't work anyway. But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it."
  • (Hamilton Camp) "Sh -- Bidwell?"
  • (Hamilton Camp) "Look at me. I'm going to make an experiment."
  • (Hamilton Camp) "Hello, Bidwell? Can you hear me?"
  • (David Packer) "I can hear you, Pratt."
  • (Hamilton Camp) "It works."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Well, of course, it works. He's standing right -- Let's get some sleep."
  • (Hamilton Camp) "Sir, there's an old sayin'. "White water in the morning.""
  • (Matthew Perry) "Yes?"
  • (Hamilton Camp) "That's it."
  • (Hamilton Camp) "Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir? I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down."
  • (Matthew Perry) "You are aware, of course, that this woman of yours is -- made of -- straw?"
  • (Hamilton Camp) "Oh, yes, sir. Figure that's why she burned so easy."

David Packer as Bidwell

  • (David Packer) "My nose itches."
  • (Chris Farley) "Don't scratch it."
  • (David Packer) "Feels like there's a bug up in there."
  • (Chris Farley) "You scratch your nose. You're dead."
  • (David Packer) "Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose."
  • (Chris Farley) "I think it's leavin'."
  • (David Packer) "I'm going to scratch it."
  • (David Packer) "The bear is worse. The bear is definitely worse."
  • (David Packer) "Sir, sir. I've been to hell and back."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Yes, I can see that."
  • (David Packer) "I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party, to slay that terrible beast."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind. Briefly. But now I have a better idea."
  • (David Packer) "Yes sir?"
  • (Matthew Perry) "I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you have ever seen."
  • (David Packer) "Oh, but what about the bear?"
  • (Matthew Perry) "Rest assured, Bigwell, in twenty years or so, the ravishes of old age will deal with the bear, far more cruelly than we ever could have."
  • (David Packer) "Revenge is sweet sir."
  • (David Packer) "Sir, I've been to hell and back."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Yes, I can see that --"
  • (David Packer) "I suspect that you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind briefly. But now I have a better idea."
  • (David Packer) "Yes, sir?"
  • (Matthew Perry) "I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen."
  • (David Packer) "But what about the bear?"
  • (Matthew Perry) "Rest assured, Bidwell, in 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than we ever could have."
  • (David Packer) "Revenge is sweet, sir."

Patrick Cranshaw as Jackson

  • (Patrick Cranshaw) "Sir, Higgins has a story."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Well, Higgins the floor is yours."
  • (Steven M. Porter) "This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep s***. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding -- And as sure as Im standing before you, he did. He ate it all. s*** Pudding."
  • (Matthew Perry) "You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story."
  • (Chris Farley) "Tell him the ending, that's the best part."
  • (Steven M. Porter) "Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep s***. Swear to God."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Clever twist there on the ending."

Matthew Perry as Edwards

  • (Matthew Perry) "Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote -- or bears will rise up and then BEARS will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats."

Eugene Levy as Guy Fontenot

  • (Eugene Levy) "He look in our tent. He look at my woman. He saw 'er breast."
  • (Matthew Perry) "Her breast? You saw her breast?"
  • (Eugene Levy) "Any man who look at my woman will die."

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