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Annie Hall Quotes

Annie Hall is a television show that debuted in 1970 . Annie Hall stopped airing in 1970.

It features Charles H. Joffe as producer, and Gordon Willis as head of cinematography.

Annie Hall is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Annie Hall is 93 minutes long. Annie Hall is distributed by United Artists.

The cast includes: Diane Keaton as Annie Hall, Woody Allen as Alvy Singer, Shelley Duvall as Pam, Christopher Walken as Duane, Donald Symington as Mom Hall, Janet Margolin as Robin, Carol Kane as Allison, and Tony Roberts as Rob.

Annie Hall Quotes

Woody Allen as Alvy Singer

  • (Woody Allen) "What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it."
  • (Woody Allen) "Whaddya do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind you?"
  • (Man in Theatre Line) "Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country."
  • (Woody Allen) "He can give it -- do you have to give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? And the funny part of it is, Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan."
  • (Man in Theatre Line) "Oh, really? Well, it just so happens I teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media and Culture." So I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity."
  • (Woody Allen) "Oh, do ya? Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here, so, so, yeah, just let me --"
  • (Woody Allen) "come over here for a second -- tell him."
  • (Marshall McLuhan) "I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing."
  • (Woody Allen) "Boy, if life were only like this."
  • (Woody Allen) "A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."
  • (Woody Allen) "I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh, that those who can't do teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym. And, uh, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school."
  • (Woody Allen) "I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light."
  • (Woody Allen) "Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here."
  • (Woody Allen) "As Balzac said, "There goes another novel.""
  • (Woody Allen) "Lyndon Johnson is a politician, you know the ethics those guys have. It's like a notch underneath child molester."
  • (Woody Allen) "I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics."
  • (Woody Allen) "That sex was the most fun I've ever had without laughing."
  • (Unnamed) "We never have any fun any more."
  • (Woody Allen) "How can you say that?"
  • (Unnamed) "Why not? You're always leaning on me to improve myself."
  • (Woody Allen) "You're just upset. You must be getting your period."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't get a period. I'm a cartoon character."
  • (Woody Allen) "Well, I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd surprise you. Pick you up after school."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Yeah, but you wanted to keep the relationship flexible. Remember, it's your phrase."
  • (Woody Allen) "Oh stop it, you're having an affair with your college professor, that jerk that teaches that incredible crap course, Contemporary Crisis in Western Man --"
  • (Diane Keaton) "Existential Motifs in Russian Literature. You're really close."
  • (Woody Allen) "What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about."
  • (Woody Allen) "Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
  • (Diane Keaton) "We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat."
  • (Woody Allen) ""Neat." What are you, 12 years old? That's one of your Chippewa Falls expressions."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Who cares? Who cares?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Next thing you know, he'll find you keen and peachy, you know. Next thing you know, he's got his hand on your ass."
  • (Diane Keaton) "You've always had hostility towards David, ever since I mentioned him."
  • (Woody Allen) "Dav; you call your teacher David?"
  • (Diane Keaton) "It's his name."
  • (Woody Allen) "It's a Biblical name, right? What does he call you, Bathsheba?"
  • (Unnamed) "How often do you sleep together?"
  • (Unnamed) "Do you have sex often?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Constantly. I'd say three times a week."
  • (Woody Allen) "I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
  • (Woody Allen) "Are you going with a right-wing rock 'n roll star?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Well, have you ever made love high?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Me? No. I; I, you know, If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful. I get too, too wonderful for words. I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love."
  • (Diane Keaton) "It relaxes me."
  • (Woody Allen) "You have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?"
  • (Diane Keaton) "Well, what's the difference anyway?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium pentathol. You can sleep through it."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Oh come on. Look who's talking. You've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years. You should smoke some of this. You'd be off the couch in no time."
  • (Woody Allen) "After that, it got pretty late and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke: this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken.' And the doctor says, 'Well, why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships: they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and -- but, I guess, we keep goin' through it because most of us -- need the eggs."
  • (Woody Allen) "You know, I don't think I could take a mellow evening because I; I don't respond well to mellow. You know what I mean? I have a tendency to; if I get too mellow, I; I ripen and then rot, you know."
  • (Woody Allen) "What are you depressed about?"
  • (Diane Keaton) "I missed my therapy, I overslept."
  • (Woody Allen) "How can you possibly oversleep?"
  • (Diane Keaton) "The alarm clock."
  • (Woody Allen) "You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick."
  • (Woody Allen) "They did not take me in the Army. I was, um, interestingly enough, I was, I was 4-P. Yes. In the, in the event of war, I'm a hostage."
  • (Woody Allen) "Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat -- college."
  • (Woody Allen) "Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here."
  • (Woody Allen) "Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?"
  • (Female street stranger) "Yeah."
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?"
  • (Female street stranger) "Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say."
  • (Male street stranger) "And I'm exactly the same way."
  • (Woody Allen) "I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?"
  • (Woody Allen) "I think, I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Who said that?"
  • (Woody Allen) "It may have been Leopold and Loeb."
  • (Woody Allen) "There's an old joke; um -- two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life; full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The -- the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this; I'm paraphrasing; um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women."
  • (Woody Allen) "Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a little dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side."
  • (Woody Allen) "You're extremely sexy. Because you are polymorphously perverse."
  • (Diane Keaton) "What does that mean?"
  • (Woody Allen) "You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch it. Like when I touch your nose or stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you certainly get excited."
  • (Diane Keaton) "You know what? I like you, I really do."
  • (Woody Allen) "I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."
  • (Woody Allen) "I don't want to put a wad of white powder in my nose. There's the nasal membrane --"
  • (Diane Keaton) "You never want to try anything new, Alvy."
  • (Woody Allen) "How can you say that? Whose idea was it? I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should sleep together in a threesome."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Well, that's sick."
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new. You didn't say it couldn't be sick."
  • (Woody Allen) "With your wife in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation, like, like marijuana?"
  • (Old man on street) "We use a large vibrating egg."
  • (Woody Allen) "Well, you ask a psychopath for advice, that's what happens --"
  • (Woody Allen) "Oh my God, she's right. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was beautiful, she was willing. She was real intelligent. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I'm; I just don't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?"
  • (Woody Allen) "I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for "Dysentery.""
  • (Janet Margolin) ""Commentary.""
  • (Woody Allen) "Oh really? I had heard that "Commentary" and "Dissent" had merged and formed "Dysentery.""
  • (Woody Allen) "I did it. I killed 'em both."
  • (Woody Allen) "What's the matter? What are you sad about? What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Love is too weak a word for what I feel; I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes I have to invent, of course I; I do, don't you think I do?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Hey listen, gimme a kiss."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Really?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better."
  • (Woody Allen) "My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks."

Diane Keaton as Annie Hall

  • (Diane Keaton) "Here, you want some?"
  • (Woody Allen) "No. I don't use any major hallucinogenics. I took a puff about five years ago at a party -- I tried to take my pants off over my head."
  • (Diane Keaton) "So I told her about, about the family and about my feelings towards men and about my relationship with my brother. And then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Me? I'm, I'm one of the few males who suffers from that."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture."
  • (Woody Allen) "You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything."
  • (Diane Keaton) "You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew."
  • (Woody Allen) "Oh. Thank you."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean you're like New York City. You're just this person. You're like this island unto yourself."
  • (Woody Allen) "I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening."
  • (Diane Keaton) "I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish"
  • (Woody Allen) "No; I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Oh, you see an analyst?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah, just for fifteen years."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Fifteen years?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah, I'm gonna give him one more year, and then I'm goin' to Lourdes."
  • (Diane Keaton) "So you wanna go into the movie or what?"
  • (Woody Allen) "No, I can't go into a movie that's already started, because I'm anal."
  • (Diane Keaton) "That's a polite word for what you are."
  • (Diane Keaton) "It's so clean out here."
  • (Woody Allen) "That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows."
  • (Diane Keaton) "You're seeing an analyst?"
  • (Woody Allen) "Just for 15 years. I'm giving him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes."

Christopher Walken as Duane

  • (Christopher Walken) "Can I confess something? I tell you this as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving -- on the road at night -- I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The -- flames rising out of the flowing gasoline."
  • (Woody Allen) "Right. Well, I have to; I have to go now, Duane, because I, I'm due back on the planet Earth."

Shelley Duvall as Pam

  • (Shelley Duvall) "Sex with you is really a Kafka-esque experience."
  • (Woody Allen) "Oh. Thank you."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "I mean that as a compliment."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "The only word for this is transplendent -- it's transplendent."

Janet Margolin as Robin

  • (Janet Margolin) "There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh, and the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell."
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah? Two more chairs they got a dining room set."

Donald Symington as Mom Hall

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Tony Roberts as Rob

  • (Tony Roberts) "Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max."
  • (Woody Allen) "Yeah. I had the feeling that I got you at a bad moment. You know, I heard high-pitched squealing."
  • (Tony Roberts) "Twins, Max. 16 years old. Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities?"
  • (Woody Allen) "You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the Park."
  • (Tony Roberts) "Oh, I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max. I got mugged. I was playing Richard the Second and two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard."

Carol Kane as Allison

  • (Carol Kane) "I'm in the midst of doing my thesis."
  • (Woody Allen) "On what?"
  • (Carol Kane) "Political commitment in twentieth century literature."
  • (Woody Allen) "You, you, you're like New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, the socialist summer camps and the, the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right, and the really, y'know, strike-oriented kind of, red diaper, stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself."
  • (Carol Kane) "No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype."
  • (Woody Allen) "Right, I'm a bigot, I know, but for the left."

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