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Arrested Development (season 1) Quotes

Arrested Development is a TV program that was first aired in 2003 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Arrested Development completed its run in 2004.

Arrested Development lasted 22 episodes.

The cast includes: David Cross as Tobias Fünke, Ron Howard as Narrator, Will Arnett as Gob, Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth, Jason Bateman as Michael, Jessica Walter as Lucille, Ron Howard as Rita, Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth, Tony Hale as Buster, Michael Cera as George Sr., Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Funke, David Cross as Tobias Funke, Alia Shawkat as Maebe, Michael Cera as George Michael, Portia de Rossi as Lindsay, Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth, and Portia de Rossi as Lindsey.

Arrested Development Quotes

Michael Cera as George Sr.

  • (Michael Cera) "The Brits set me up. I heard nothing about Iraq."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Dad, we have a picture of you and Saddam Hussein."
  • (Michael Cera) "I thought he was the Soup Nazi. I was just congratulating him on a great job."
  • (Michael Cera) "I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "She's interesting -- and pretty?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher."
  • (Ron Howard) "Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "There's nothing wrong with that. Although -- I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me."
  • (Michael Cera) "You're my aunt."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then -- I'll be right across the hall."
  • (Ron Howard) "Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life."
  • (Michael Cera) "Yikes."
  • (Michael Cera) "They cannot charge a husband and wife for the same crime."
  • (Jason Bateman) "That's not true."
  • (Michael Cera) "Really?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yep."
  • (Michael Cera) "I got the worst"
  • (Michael Cera) "-ing attorneys."
  • (Michael Cera) "Are those strippers?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers."
  • (Michael Cera) "I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "What?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Stabbed?"
  • (Michael Cera) "In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my -- my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me."
  • (Michael Cera) "We're out of milk. I could have got it earlier if someone would have left a note."
  • (Michael Cera) "Why? If someone had left a note, this innocent man would still have his arm. Why?"
  • (J. Walter Weatherman) "And that's why you always leave a note."
  • (Oscar) "The car."
  • (Michael Cera) "Up yours Granny."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You couldn't handle it."
  • (Michael Cera) "Wait a minute, I'm not Oscar, I'm George."
  • (Unnamed) "The Cornballer."
  • (Michael Cera) "Si, si, the cornballer."
  • (Ron Howard) "George Sr. had been marketing a device called "The Cornballer" in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S."
  • (Michael Cera) "Does Pop-pop get a treat?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, Pop-pop does not get a treat, I just brought you a f***ing pizza."
  • (Michael Cera) "Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out."
  • (Will Arnett) "I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch."
  • (Michael Cera) "That's my wife, you bastard."
  • (Will Arnett) "Dad, that's my wrist."
  • (Will Arnett) "Hey, that's his neck."
  • (Michael Cera) "Sorry, some of my students are arguing the significance of the shankbone on the seder plate. But we do not; not wag our genitals at one another to make a point."
  • (Michael Cera) "Fingerprints? You said they wouldn't be taking fingerprints."
  • (Alia Shawkat) "No, I said don't wear your mittens."
  • (Michael Cera) "Hello, Bluth Company."
  • (Michael Cera) "Talk you off? Talk you off what, Pop-Pop?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Oh, George Michael. I thought you were; when's that voice gonna drop?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Oh, my God. It's your mom and gangee."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "What are they doing here?"
  • (Michael Cera) "They're adults. They're allowed to have fun whenever they want. We're kids, we're supposed to work."
  • (Michael Cera) "What's with Steve Holt and your mom?"
  • (Alia Shawkat) "Oh, I gave him the impression that she was a tranny."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico."
  • (Michael Cera) "Of course."
  • (Michael Cera) "You're mocking me."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Of course."
  • (Michael Cera) "-- And Gilligan has told me that my money will be safe in I.R.A.s."
  • (Ira Gilligan) "Sir, it's Ira."
  • (Michael Cera) "Sorry, Gilligan. My money will be safe in Iras."
  • (Michael Cera) "Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice."
  • (Michael Cera) "Don't get involved. Believe me. When I thought your first wife was pulling us apart, I did not make a stink."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You complained all the time and she was my only wife and she died."
  • (Michael Cera) "Well, see? Things have a way of working themselves out."
  • (Michael Cera) "Bluth-Company-George-Michael-speaking-not-Kitty."
  • (Michael Cera) "I have Pop Pop in the attic."
  • (Jason Bateman) "The mere fact that you call making love "Pop Pop" tells me that you're not ready."
  • (Michael Cera) "Don't you always say "family first"?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay."
  • (Michael Cera) "She's not my real aunt?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon."
  • (George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth) "Monopoly. You don't have it, do you?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Yeah, actually."
  • (George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth) "Well, that's good, cuz this one is missing a lot of pieces."
  • (Michael Cera) "Uh, Uncle GOB, the twenty?"
  • (George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth) "A magician never reveals his secrets."
  • (Michael Cera) "I don't need the secret, I need --"
  • (Michael Cera) "Wow, that's so much like stealing."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Do you remember that French film we snuck into? Dangerous Cousins?"
  • (Michael Cera) "No, actually, I dont remember it."
  • (Ron Howard) "In fact, George Michael knew the movie very well. He currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer."
  • (Michael Cera) "Look, I just need something to read. Pop-pop gets a Grisham?"
  • (Michael Cera) "I'll be bringing you some salmon rolls real soon."
  • (Michael Cera) "How many times I gotta tell this kid chicken wings?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Listen -- Let him go. Let your son go."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I can't do that, Dad. He needs me."
  • (Michael Cera) "Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yeah, boy. What happened there?"
  • (Michael Cera) "I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So -- he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy."
  • (Michael Cera) "I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy."
  • (Tony Hale) "Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yeah, I got to let my son go."
  • (Oscar) "The car."
  • (Michael Cera) "Up yours Granny."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You couldn't handle it."
  • (Michael Cera) "What is this is they have on me? You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying "I know for a fact." What fact?"
  • (Cindi Lightballoon) "Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you."
  • (Michael Cera) "Faith is not a fact."
  • (Cindi Lightballoon) "Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom."
  • (Ron Howard) "George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage."
  • (Michael Cera) "Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact."
  • (Michael Cera) "I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?"
  • (Michael Cera) "You should have seen the face he made when; well, he's my twin brother, I'll show you."
  • (Michael Cera) "Steve Holt? I thought you liked him."
  • (Alia Shawkat) "I do, I'm crazy about him. He only talks to her because he thinks she has a penis. Oh, I told him that she was a tranny."
  • (Michael Cera) "You got my 14-year-old grandson do this?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Under 18 walks out clean."
  • (Michael Cera) "Listen, um -- there's a very strict "no touching policy" here. But, um -- oh, what the hell, it's worth a week in the hot box."
  • (Unnamed) "No touching."
  • (Michael Cera) "You stupid ass."
  • (Michael Cera) "Chanukah can be spelled so many ways. Oh God."

Will Arnett as Gob

  • (Will Arnett) "I'm an ideas man Michael. I think I proved that with "f*** Mountain"."
  • (Wife of Gob) "G. O. B., I want out. I'm in love with your brother --"
  • (Will Arnett) "What?"
  • (Will Arnett) "You did it again, you son of a bitch."
  • (Wife of Gob) "-- In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought."
  • (Will Arnett) "You drive a hard bargain, but I'm the President of the Bluth company, and I decline."
  • (Will Arnett) "You look surprised."
  • (Stan Sitwell) "Must've put 'em on wrong."
  • (Will Arnett) "I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and f*** me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it."
  • (Will Arnett) "Brother? Hermano means brother? Well, sounds like Hermano is about to get his ass kicked."
  • (Will Arnett) "I did the right thing, Michael. If I didn't fire them, how could I teach a lesson to the others?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "There are no others. You fired everyone."
  • (Will Arnett) "Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit -- how to -- run the business --"
  • (Will Arnett) "Come on."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy."
  • (Will Arnett) "It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me."
  • (Jason Bateman) "AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting."
  • (Will Arnett) "A party."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, we just had a party."
  • (Will Arnett) "Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun."
  • (Will Arnett) "Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, no I'm not --"
  • (Will Arnett) "One, two, three. Paper covers rock."
  • (Jason Bateman) "It is a rock, though. Should beat everything."
  • (Will Arnett) "There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they --"
  • (White Power Bill) "White Power."
  • (Will Arnett) "But I'm white."
  • (Will Arnett) "Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun."
  • (Will Arnett) "Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today."
  • (Will Arnett) "Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office"
  • (Will Arnett) "ing, or"
  • (Will Arnett) "ing, or finger"
  • (Will Arnett) ", or"
  • (Will Arnett) "sting, or"
  • (Will Arnett) "esting or"
  • (Will Arnett) "eing or even"
  • (Will Arnett) ". Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll"
  • (Will Arnett) ", and I'll personally"
  • (Will Arnett) "."
  • (Will Arnett) "Steve Holt's not my son."
  • (Michael Cera) "Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?"
  • (Will Arnett) "That's my son, you pothead."
  • (Will Arnett) "Yeah, the guy in the $3,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on."
  • (Will Arnett) "If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and --"
  • (Will Arnett) "Ah, what the hell --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "I think that's just as good of a time as any to end the meeting."
  • (Will Arnett) "Okay, everybody come out of your offices please. The party has now started."
  • (Will Arnett) "Let's go -- Everybody dance now."
  • (Will Arnett) "Everybody dance NOW."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, I think we're off to a great start."
  • (Will Arnett) "George Michael -- Lets deal some drugs."
  • (Will Arnett) "Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone."
  • (David Cross) "Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone."
  • (Ron Howard) "They didn't."
  • (Ron Howard) "And he doesn't."
  • (Will Arnett) "The Seaward."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You're not getting a boat."
  • (Will Arnett) "One, two, three."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You're not gonna do it --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "."
  • (Will Arnett) "Paper covers rock."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Fine, but rock sinks boat."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Michael."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Just a minute mom."
  • (Jason Bateman) ". Get rid of the Seaward."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I'll leave when I'm good and ready."
  • (Marta) "They're children. How could you do that?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Oh, sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it's done."
  • (Steve Holt) "I've made a huge mistake."
  • (Will Arnett) "I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more."
  • (Steve Holt) "I won't forget this -- Dad."
  • (Will Arnett) "I will. I will."
  • (Will Arnett) "And now she's stomping on my heart."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What's her first name? Quickly."
  • (Will Arnett) "Crindee."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Name's not Crindee, Gob."
  • (Will Arnett) "Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y.""
  • (Jason Bateman) "That's a strong defense."
  • (Will Arnett) "I've made a huge mistake."
  • (Unnamed) "You set us up."
  • (Will Arnett) "No. These are the strippers. Look how hot they are."
  • (Will Arnett) "Michael."
  • (Will Arnett) "I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper."
  • (Will Arnett) "My gut is telling me no -- but my gut is also very hungry."
  • (Lucille Austero) "Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me."
  • (Will Arnett) "No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you."
  • (Will Arnett) "Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night."
  • (Ron Howard) "But he really didn't"
  • (Will Arnett) "Yes, I did."
  • (Will Arnett) "Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office"
  • (Will Arnett) "and"
  • (Will Arnett) "and finger"
  • (Will Arnett) "and"
  • (Will Arnett) "or even"
  • (Will Arnett) ". Even though so many of us are begging for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my"
  • (Will Arnett) "and I'll personally"
  • (Will Arnett) "."
  • (Will Arnett) "I lost Earl Milford."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What?"
  • (Will Arnett) "I didn't know it was him. Although he was exceptionally quiet in there. You can always tell a Milford man."

David Cross as Tobias Fünke

  • (David Cross) "Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times."
  • (David Cross) "Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging."
  • (Michael Cera) "Please don't call yourself that."
  • (Unnamed) "Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?"
  • (David Cross) "Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious."
  • (David Cross) "Somebody is a rude Gus."
  • (David Cross) "I can picture the look on Lindsay's face right now. "Where's Tobias?". Oh, he's just on a weekend getaway with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in -- hey, you didn't get any body chocolate."
  • (David Cross) "So what are your plans for this evening?"
  • (Bob Loblaw) "I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog."
  • (David Cross) "Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful."
  • (David Cross) "Uh-oh. I should not have picked at that. That's blood."
  • (David Cross) "I don't do nudity."
  • (David Cross) "Why do you think I wear these?"
  • (Michael Cera) "I was never really clear on that."
  • (David Cross) "Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over; an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist."
  • (David Cross) "Bad news, Michael, I am afraid that I am no longer an understudy for the Blue Man Group. It seems that we have parted ways."
  • (Jason Bateman) ""Cease and decist -- ""
  • (David Cross) "Apparently, they dont like competition."
  • (David Cross) "Are you calling me a coward?"
  • (Warden Stefan Gentles) "There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor."
  • (David Cross) "Ouch."
  • (David Cross) "Boy, I sure feel like a Mary without a Peter and a Paul."
  • (David Cross) "That Funke is some kind of something. Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated."
  • (David Cross) "Michael, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time."
  • (David Cross) "I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather"."
  • (Unnamed) "You mean -- Leather Daddy?"
  • (David Cross) "Say something that will terrify me."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "f*** me."
  • (David Cross) "No, that didn't do it."
  • (Unnamed) "There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town."
  • (David Cross) "Well, that leaves me out."
  • (David Cross) "She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single."
  • (David Cross) "Somebody is a Rude Gus."
  • (David Cross) "I need to go take down the buffet and set up the leather pony."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What's the leather pony?"
  • (David Cross) "I don't know, we don't have that at lunch."
  • (David Cross) "If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break."
  • (Ron Howard) "But it wasn't."
  • (David Cross) "If this scene I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate --"
  • (Ron Howard) "Why wouldn't she take him back?"
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Didnt you get a job or something?"
  • (David Cross) "No, no I didnt. Unless -- you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job."
  • (David Cross) "I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work."
  • (David Cross) "So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) ""I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this."
  • (Ron Howard) "They really do."
  • (Unnamed) "The glitteratti has struck again."
  • (Unnamed) "Never hire Tobias Funke."
  • (David Cross) "Hey, who wants to take me to the hospital?"
  • (David Cross) "Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?"
  • (Carl Weathers) "Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going."
  • (David Cross) "Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100."
  • (Carl Weathers) "Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup -- baby, I got a stew going."
  • (David Cross) "I think I'd like my money back."
  • (David Cross) "Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?"
  • (David Cross) "Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary."
  • (Will Arnett) "Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht."
  • (David Cross) "Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell -- Also, he really, really did look like a woman -- But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "-- It's in such a nice neighborhood."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?"
  • (Ron Howard) "None of them had read past the word "unfrozen.""
  • (David Cross) "Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other."
  • (Carl Weathers) "I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want -- and it's free?"
  • (David Cross) "It's a wonderful restaurant."
  • (Ron Howard) "It sure is."
  • (David Cross) "Look, you are playing adults --"
  • (David Cross) "Pick that up. Pick that up, please."
  • (David Cross) "-- with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower."
  • (David Cross) "I blue myself."
  • (Jason Bateman) "There has got to be a better way to say that."
  • (David Cross) "Where the f*** are my hard-boiled eggs?"

Tony Hale as Buster

  • (Tony Hale) "Oh, look at all this produce --"
  • (Lucille Austero) "I'm juicing now. Would you like to join me?"
  • (Tony Hale) "It's two o'clock in the afternoon --"
  • (Lucille Austero) "It's 8 a.m. somewhere."
  • (Tony Hale) "-- a darkish area with -- points."
  • (Tony Hale) "Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall."
  • (Drill Instructor) "There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard?"
  • (Tony Hale) "Weapons of Mass Destruction?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Those bastards."
  • (Drill Instructor) "I did not say that."
  • (Will Arnett) "Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Climb that wall, homo."
  • (Drill Instructor) "Go get 'em."
  • (Ron Howard) "Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises --"
  • (Ron Howard) "-- it did."
  • (Will Arnett) "Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun."
  • (Oscar) "Your mother called me for a reason. I don't think she's happy."
  • (Tony Hale) "No, my mother's happy. She's just mean all the time."
  • (Tony Hale) "Mom signed me up for the army, just because the fat man dared her to."
  • (Tony Hale) "Make love in your own hand, Mother."
  • (Tony Hale) "Hey, hermano."
  • (Tony Hale) "Oh, my God, she's after our money."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, we don't have any money."
  • (Tony Hale) "Oh, my God, she's already taken our money."
  • (Tony Hale) "We're excavating a pterodactyl."
  • (Tony Hale) "That was 90% gravity."
  • (Tony Hale) "It-it's for my girlfriend. She's sick."
  • (Will Arnett) "Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon."
  • (Tony Hale) "Oh, that's it."
  • (Tony Hale) "Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself?"
  • (Tony Hale) "My Army training tells me -- that this is going to be a hot mission."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What? A hot mission?"
  • (Tony Hale) "Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother"."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, le-let's try to top that."
  • (Ron Howard) "They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway."
  • (Tony Hale) "I'm a monster."
  • (Tony Hale) "It's like she gets off on being witholding."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Whoa. Buster."
  • (Will Arnett) "Look who's got something to say."
  • (Tony Hale) "I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself."
  • (Will Arnett) "Look who's ragging on the old lady."
  • (Tony Hale) "Cause I'm an uptight"
  • (Tony Hale) "Buster"
  • (Tony Hale) "-- you old horny slut."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, no one's going to top that."
  • (Tony Hale) "Hey, adopted-brother."
  • (Tony Hale) "Well, what do you expect, mother?"
  • (Tony Hale) "I'm half machine. I'm a monster."
  • (Tony Hale) "No mother, I can blow myself. You've interfered for the last time."
  • (Tony Hale) "You lied to me -- you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE."
  • (Tony Hale) "Hey, brother-in-law."
  • (Tony Hale) "I have an idea. It is time I used something I trained for in Army, but I never got a chance to do."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Buster, you can't zip-line over there."
  • (Tony Hale) "Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it."
  • (Jason Bateman) "This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster."

Alia Shawkat as Maebe

  • (Alia Shawkat) "Steve Holt."
  • (Steve Holt) "Your mom seems pretty cool."
  • (Alia Shawkat) "That's not my mom."
  • (Steve Holt) "-- but she said you were her daughter."
  • (Alia Shawkat) "His daughter. It's my dad."
  • (Steve Holt) "That's a dude?"
  • (Alia Shawkat) "And the worst part is? He thinks he's passing."
  • (Alia Shawkat) "All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "You're right. I'll just throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud."
  • (Steve Holt) "STEVE HOLT."
  • (Alia Shawkat) "STEVE HOLT."
  • (Michael Cera) "I'm a stand-in for --"
  • (Steve Holt) "STEVE HOLT."

Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Funke

  • (Portia de Rossi) "I think George Michael needs a mother."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, he's got you, he's got mom, you think that would turn him off the concept entirely."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I think it's frightening when it's cut off. It's like a Doberman; let it have its ears."
  • (Dave Attell) "Wow, the service sent you over quick."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Oh I'm sorry."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "You dont cry when you take those off?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Well, I think she's perfect for you."
  • (Jason Bateman) "For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I've always been passionate about the separation of church and state."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Oh, really? What are you going to do with them?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I don't know. Give 'em to a school."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Hey, I could've sworn I just saw Dad -- Or not. I think hallucinations are a side effect of Teamocil."
  • (Ron Howard) "They aren't."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it."
  • (David Cross) "Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "That's my point, you --"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "-- handsome cowboy, you."
  • (David Cross) "Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-"
  • (David Cross) "-- try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Oh, are we still talking about the tapes? I was talking about my marriage. As you know, Bob Loblaw and I have had a secret little thing going."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Why wont you f*** me?"
  • (Bob Loblaw) "I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Oh. Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you."
  • (Jason Bateman) "That's not true. That's not true at all."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Chaw-chee-chaw-chee."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What is that? Is that a chicken?"
  • (George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth) "What's this?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Michael is scared to ask out Sally."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, I'm not."
  • (George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth) "This is priceless."
  • (George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth) "Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I hate to say it, but Michael might be right. You need to learn a little discipline."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Hmm. Nope. That doesn't feel right."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "No, no, no. I am telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Are you serious? What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Oh, I have to come up with another thing?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "-- like the stress you put on George Michael, even when he gets an A."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Minus, and he knows an A gets him ice cream."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "You'll never be able to pull this off, Michael. You're the good guy. This isnt you."
  • (Jason Bateman) "It's me now, Lindsay. It's the me that can recline."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Did that hurt?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "No."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I'm going to go see if I cant get a wrench to strip my nuts."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "I thought it sounded sexy."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Let's just go, I've suddenly lost my appetite."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Oh, who's gonna believe that?"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Michael, if this is a lecture on how we're all supposed to whatever and blah-blah-blah, well, you can save it, because we all know it by heart."
  • (Portia de Rossi) ""Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "GOB doesnt do anything for the family."
  • (Will Arnett) "Hey, I'm f***ing Lucille 2."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Or I could do something like that."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "He thought we were making fun of him."
  • (Ron Howard) "They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "What was all that about?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "I think Buster's planning to flee to Mexico."

Jessica Walter as Lucille

  • (Jessica Walter) "Buster. Thank God you're back. There's no shame in being a coward."
  • (Tony Hale) "A coward? I'm not a coward. Would I coward have THIS?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "What the hell is that?"
  • (Tony Hale) "These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Michael Moore confronted me on national television."
  • (Jason Bateman) "First of all, that was not Michael Moore. That was a Michael Moore look-alike. And second it wasn't national television. It was for a bit, on Jimmy Kimmel Live."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I don't know what that is nor do I care to find out."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Guess who's coming to dinner?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "I've got to get back to rehab."
  • (Unnamed) "SHE'S IN REHAB."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I heard about the banana stand and now there's been a break-in. But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back."
  • (Jessica Walter) "First I blow him, then I poke him."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Guy has no idea what he's in for."
  • (Jessica Walter) "The company is in danger."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What tipped you off? The falling profit margins or the fact that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's most ridiculous item of the day?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "The media has him out to be some sort of mastermind, which believe me he's not. The man can barely work our shredder."
  • (Unnamed) "Plate or platter?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "-- we'll be stuck with Barry."
  • (Wayne Jarvis) "I shall hide behind that garbage car."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Guy's a pro."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Oh, for God's sake. He's out of the house for two days and he joins a gang."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and --"
  • (Annyong) "Annyong."
  • (Jessica Walter) "-- and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are."
  • (Will Arnett) "Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not --"
  • (Annyong) "Annyong."
  • (Will Arnett) "-- would somebody please tell this insufferable child to -- GOD."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I hope she's okay --"
  • (Jessica Walter) "She's awful. Can barely wash a dish."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Tell me you've got an exit strategy."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Mother --"
  • (Jessica Walter) "Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You're high."
  • (Oscar) "You're drunk."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?"
  • (Will Arnett) "She's not " that Mexican," Mom, she's " my Mexican." And she's Colombian or something."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You're HIGH."
  • (Oscar) "You're DRUNK."
  • (Jessica Walter) "And yet you're too busy to polish the candlesticks? You're fired."
  • (Tony Hale) "You can't fire me, I'm your son. I'm firing you."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I was firing Lupe."
  • (Tony Hale) "O-oh, that makes more sense."
  • (Jessica Walter) "What's a Forget-Me-Now?"
  • (Will Arnett) "They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether."
  • (David Cross) "Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Those are illegal."
  • (Will Arnett) "Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason."
  • (Michael Cera) "Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I don't care for Gob."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Oscar says that this walk, "Recharges his chi." I call it, "An excuse for him to score more pot and wave his ass at the co-eds"."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Start the bidding at $10,000. If the bidding increases, shout out something like "I get her 364 days a year for free."."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I'm not going to say that."
  • (Jessica Walter) "THERE WERE 250 CCs OF YOUR FATHER'S SEMEN IN THE COOLER IN THE BANANA STAND."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No touching."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You tricked me."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I deceived you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You'd think a man locked up in prison would able to abstain. Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man."
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "They still look fabulous."
  • (General Garvey) "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Is there anything I can do?"
  • (General Garvey) "Well, maybe if you go?"
  • (General Garvey) "?downtown."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years."
  • (Jessica Walter) "When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown."
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "It would help if you all showed up, looking like a loving, supportive family."
  • (Jessica Walter) "For how long?"
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "Ten minutes tops."
  • (Jessica Walter) "See if you can get it down to five."
  • (Jessica Walter) "I don't want to leave Buster alone with all the J-U-I-C-E."
  • (Tony Hale) "I can spell, Mother; you spelled juice."
  • (Jessica Walter) "What a genius. Let's see you find it."

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth

  • (Jason Bateman) "What's the matter with you? Didn't you bag some woman you're never going to see again?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Well, I broke a couple of my own rules. She knows I'm Gob Bluth, and -- we got married, and --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics. Besides, you made me look very foolish in front of Sally Sitwell."
  • (Michael Cera) "Did you stick it to her?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "No. You screwed that up just like you screwed up this hot tub."
  • (Jason Bateman) "We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw."
  • (Jason Bateman) "G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Michael?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "It's Mom. Hide."
  • (Will Arnett) "You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Michael?"
  • (Will Arnett) "He's in here, Mom."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Come on."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "From the Nazis?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Her?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "You know, I'm in pretty good shape, Buster. You could be eating my dust all day."
  • (Ron Howard) "Buster was starting to give as good as he received."
  • (Tony Hale) "Yeah, and you could be eating"
  • (Tony Hale) "that's gonna"
  • (Tony Hale) "."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that."
  • (Jason Bateman) "They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "-- Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail.""
  • (Jason Bateman) "Oh sure, Lindsay. You're a much better parent; no borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "What'd he say?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Well, if I clean it up, it really isn't a sentence."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Save it for the talk room, son."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I really think the reason you and I always fight is that, since we were little, Dad's always played us off each other."
  • (Will Arnett) "Dad always said that was your fault."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again."
  • (George Bluth, Sr.) "Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful, though."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry."
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "I'm not here."
  • (Unnamed) "Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call."
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "I am not a girl, you --"
  • (Unnamed) "Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Gob, Ms. Whitehead was the civics teacher. We both had her."
  • (Will Arnett) "Yes we did, and now we're even."
  • (Annyong) "Okay, Mom want someone to come with her to my soccer game. She don't want other soccer moms think she single. She old school."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I liked it better when he just said Annyong."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it."
  • (Jessica Walter) "You would do that to your brother?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "I said "cot"."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Tell me the truth. There's been a lot of lying in this family"
  • (Jessica Walter) "And a lot of love."
  • (Jason Bateman) "More lies."
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "So basically you're about 2,000 shares short of being the majority stock holders. Now unfortunately it's a private stock so you can not just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Are you sure?"
  • (Barry Zuckerkorn) "That's what it said on 'Ask Jeeves'"
  • (Jason Bateman) "I burned it. Down to the ground."
  • (Michael Cera) "There was money in that banana stand."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, it's all gone now."
  • (Michael Cera) "There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said --"
  • (Michael Cera) "There is money -- in -- the banana stand."
  • (Unnamed) "No Touching."
  • (Michael Cera) "No touching."
  • (Unnamed) "No touching."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, my God. My arm."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Oh, my God, this guy's arm."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What about, "Paradise Gardens"?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Yeah -- I can see marinating a chicken from that."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Something you apply for and they pay you to -- Never mind, I don't want to ruin the surprise."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I'm sure Egg is a great person."
  • (Michael Cera) "It's -- it's Ann."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight."
  • (Oscar) "Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?"
  • (Ron Howard) "Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I don't want any details --"
  • (Oscar) "Maybe I'll put it in her brownie --"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Hey."
  • (Jason Bateman) "If this information was so damaging, why didn't you just shred it?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Well, Saddam owed us money."
  • (Jason Bateman) "And you didn't realize that he wouldn't pay?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Your mom had a good feeling about him."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Where's Tobias?"
  • (Ron Howard) "Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver."
  • (David Cross) "I would like to go to the Gothic Castle."
  • (Cab Driver) "Gothic asshole?"
  • (David Cross) "Yes."
  • (David Cross) "Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit."
  • (David Cross) "I am here to see the magic."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Gob, was that your trick?"
  • (Will Arnett) "No, Michael, that's not my trick."
  • (Ron Howard) "On the next Arrested Development:"
  • (Will Arnett) "It's my illusion."
  • (Jason Bateman) "My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you."
  • (Wayne Jarvis) "I shall hide behind the couch."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Guy's a pro."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "That's a cross."
  • (Mae 'Maebe' Funke) "Across from where?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "That cousin of yours is a smart girl -- Its too bad you can't date her."
  • (Michael Cera) "No, I was talk -- You mean, you wouldn't have a problem with that?"
  • (Michael Cera) "-- Nothing."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Hi, there."
  • (Will Arnett) "What's she doing here?"
  • (Alia Shawkat) "Merry Christmas to you too, Uncle Gob."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Is everything okay?"
  • (Will Arnett) "I just don't want people's kids getting their sticky little fingers all over these $2,600 pants."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You think they're going to go right for the pants?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Tobias doesn't do anything around here."
  • (David Cross) "Well excuuuuuuuse meeeee."
  • (David Cross) "Excuse me."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing."
  • (David Cross) "Butterscotch. Wanna lick?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous."
  • (Will Arnett) "So you came back here to hide like a child."
  • (Jason Bateman) "What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Hiding from a child. Big difference."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection."
  • (Will Arnett) "He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told; my God. What is this feeling?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call -- a "feeling"."
  • (Will Arnett) "It's not like envy, or even hungry."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Could it be love?"
  • (Will Arnett) "I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite; it's like my heart is getting hard."
  • (Will Arnett) "Maybe I am ready to be a father."
  • (Jason Bateman) "They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Why can't the girl at work do it?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Find out what?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "He is? That's horrible."
  • (Jessica Walter) "Do I know my daughter?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "So, how'd you make the yacht disappear?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Michael, a magician never reveals;"
  • (Will Arnett) "- I sunk it. At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up and I don't see it anywhere."
  • (Jason Bateman) "This is going to be our best summer ever."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You mailed that insurance check, right, GOB?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Are you serious?"
  • (Wayne Jarvis) "Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?"
  • (Wayne Jarvis) "We did earlier. He claims to know nothing."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil."
  • (Wayne Jarvis) "Twice?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Two times."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Clear as the Ann on plain's face."
  • (Jason Bateman) "My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um -- maybe a little "afternoon delight"."
  • (Ron Howard) "Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior."
  • (Oscar) "Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "I don't need any details."
  • (Oscar) "Maybe I'll put it in her brownie"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Hey."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding."
  • (Ron Howard) "Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "To curb your sex drive."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?"
  • (Ron Howard) "It may also cause short-term memory loss."
  • (Jason Bateman) "The only thing I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag."
  • (Will Arnett) "You didnt eat that dove, did you? I only have 6 days to return it."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business."
  • (Portia de Rossi) "You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You and half of Orange County."
  • (Ron Howard) "As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70"."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?"
  • (Michael Cera) "First time."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I've never heard of a second."
  • (Michael Cera) "I got the worst"
  • (Michael Cera) "-ing attorneys."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Why are you squeezing me with your body?"
  • (Jessica Walter) "It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Okay, is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?"
  • (Kitty) "The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now."
  • (Kitty) "He's famous."
  • (Jason Bateman) "That's great."
  • (Kitty) "I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say -- that he was on -- "Night Court.""
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, you look great --"
  • (Kitty) "-- I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I got it --"
  • (Kitty) "-- and he's white."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I know who it is."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You can call me anything you want --"
  • (Portia de Rossi) "An impotent man-boy?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "You want to be in charge?"
  • (Will Arnett) "Yeah."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?"
  • (Will Arnett) "What kind of vacation time does it offer?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out

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