(Article is below...)

Arsenic and Old Lace (film) Quotes

Arsenic and Old Lace (film) is a television program that was first aired in 1970 . Arsenic and Old Lace ended in 1970.

It features Frank Capra as producer, Max Steiner in charge of musical score, and Sol Polito as head of cinematography.

Arsenic and Old Lace (film) is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Cary Grant as Mortimer Brewster, Garry Owen as Cab Driver, Priscilla Lane as Elaine Harper, Peter Lorre as Dr. Einstein, Raymond Massey as Jonathan Brewster, John Alexander as Teddy Brewster, Josephine Hull as Aunt Abby Brewster, Jean Adair as Aunt Martha, Chester Clute as Dr. Gilchrist, Jean Adair as Martha Brewster, Edward Everett Horton as Mr. Witherspoon, James Gleason as Lt. Rooney, Josephine Hull as Abby Brewster, Edward McNamara as Police Sgt. Brophy, Grant Mitchell as Reverend Harper, Josephine Hull as Aunt Abby, Edward McWade as Mr. Gibbs, Jack Carson as Officer Patrick O'Hara, and Priscilla Lane as Reporter.

Arsenic and Old Lace (film) Quotes

Cary Grant as Mortimer Brewster

  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, uh, Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of introducing --"
  • (John Alexander) "Dr. Livingstone."
  • (Chester Clute) "Livingstone?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Yeah, well, that's what he presumes."
  • (Cary Grant) "Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster. No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello; what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea."
  • (Cary Grant) "Pull up a tombstone."
  • (Cary Grant) "Come here. I've got the two nicest Aunts in the world. Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the world, too."
  • (Cary Grant) "Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men down in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib."
  • (Cary Grant) "There is a Happydale, far, far away --"
  • (Cary Grant) "Ye, Gods. There's another one."
  • (Cary Grant) "He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged."
  • (Cary Grant) "The big dope."
  • (Cary Grant) "Now look, darling, how did he die?"
  • (Josephine Hull) "Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it."
  • (Cary Grant) "Well, how did the poison get in the wine?"
  • (Jean Adair) "Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor."
  • (Cary Grant) "Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die."
  • (Josephine Hull) "We know, dear. He died first."
  • (Cary Grant) "Wait a minute. Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?"
  • (Josephine Hull) "Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it."
  • (Cary Grant) "How did the poison get in the wine?"
  • (Jean Adair) "Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor."
  • (Cary Grant) "You mean, you -- You put it in the wine."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming."
  • (Cary Grant) "Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?"
  • (Josephine Hull) "Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice."
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, it's first-degree."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets."
  • (Cary Grant) "Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic."
  • (Cary Grant) "Now, where was I? Twelve -- TWELVE ?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Hello -- Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Well, then I must be here."
  • (Cary Grant) "But; what happened to him?"
  • (Jean Adair) "He died."
  • (Cary Grant) "Where did you get that face? Hollywood?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Go on; fight, fight. I don't care."
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, don't do that. It never works."
  • (Cary Grant) "What do you know? it worked."
  • (Cary Grant) "You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad."
  • (Cary Grant) "You -- Get out of here. D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?"
  • (Cary Grant) "The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt."
  • (John Alexander) "Code for Roosevelt?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?"
  • (John Alexander) "Rooster."
  • (Cary Grant) "Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?"
  • (John Alexander) "Crows."
  • (Cary Grant) "It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?"
  • (John Alexander) "On the veldt."
  • (Cary Grant) "There you are: crows; veldt."
  • (John Alexander) "Ingenious. My compliments to the boys in the code department."
  • (Cary Grant) "Stop underplaying, I can't hear you."
  • (Cary Grant) "Wait outside."
  • (Chester Clute) "But it's Halloween."
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight."
  • (Cary Grant) "No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook. Ha. Ha. Chaaaaarrrge."
  • (Garry Owen) "And I'm not a cab driver, I'm a coffee pot."
  • (Photographer at Marriage License Office) "Mr. Brewster?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Now, look -- Goodbye, dear."
  • (Cary Grant) "Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of presenting --"
  • (John Alexander) "Doctor Livingston?"
  • (Chester Clute) "Livingstone?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Uh, well, that's what he presumes."
  • (Cary Grant) "When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me."
  • (Cary Grant) "Look, you can't do things like that. Now, I don't know how I can explain this to you. But, it's not only against the law, its wrong."
  • (Jean Adair) "Oh, piffle."
  • (Cary Grant) "It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is -- Well -- This is developing into a very bad habit."
  • (Cary Grant) "I saw a play last week, it had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathon."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Oh, really?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out"."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Oh, dear."
  • (Cary Grant) "Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing --"
  • (Cary Grant) "All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing."
  • (Cary Grant) "You didn't want the reverend to see the body?"
  • (Josephine Hull) "Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice."
  • (Cary Grant) "What is this? Did everybody in Brooklyn know I was going to get married except me?"
  • (Jean Adair) "We knew you'd find out about it in time."

Peter Lorre as Dr. Einstein

  • (Peter Lorre) "At least people in plays act like they've got sense."
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?"
  • (Peter Lorre) "How can somebody be so stupid."
  • (Peter Lorre) "We got a hot stiff on our hands."
  • (Peter Lorre) "You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he know something about us, what happens?"
  • (Raymond Massey) "We come to him for help, and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff."
  • (Peter Lorre) "You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright."
  • (Peter Lorre) "Where am I? Oh, here I am."

Edward Everett Horton as Mr. Witherspoon

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Raymond Massey as Jonathan Brewster

  • (Raymond Massey) "Go to bed, Aunt Abby."
  • (Raymond Massey) "Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Dr. Einstein."
  • (Priscilla Lane) "Dr. Einstein?"
  • (Raymond Massey) "A surgeon of great distinction -- and something of a magician."
  • (Priscilla Lane) "Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar --"
  • (Raymond Massey) "I am Jonathan Brewster."
  • (Raymond Massey) "To my dear dead brother."
  • (Raymond Massey) "This time, I want the face of an absolute non-enity."
  • (Raymond Massey) "We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed."
  • (Jean Adair) "The car is alright where it is until morning."
  • (Raymond Massey) "I don't want to leave it in the street. That might be against the law."
  • (Raymond Massey) "And now doctor -- we go to work."
  • (Peter Lorre) "No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink."
  • (Raymond Massey) "Pull yourself together, doctor."
  • (Peter Lorre) "I cannot pull myself together without a drink."
  • (Raymond Massey) "This is the home of my youth -- As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Now, I'm glad to escape back into it."
  • (Raymond Massey) "Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer."
  • (Peter Lorre) "But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day."
  • (Raymond Massey) "Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?"
  • (Peter Lorre) "Yeah, I know that look."
  • (Raymond Massey) "It's a little late to dissolve our partnership."
  • (Peter Lorre) "Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London."
  • (Raymond Massey) "No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method."
  • (Peter Lorre) "No. Not the Melbourne method, please. Two hours."
  • (Raymond Massey) "I'll get every one of you. I hate cops. I'll brain the first one that comes near me."
  • (Raymond Massey) "Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed."
  • (John Alexander) "I beg your pardon. Who are you?"
  • (Raymond Massey) "I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed."
  • (John Alexander) "No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know now; perhaps later on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle."
  • (Raymond Massey) "If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar."
  • (Cary Grant) "Cellar?"
  • (Raymond Massey) "There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead."

John Alexander as Teddy Brewster

  • (John Alexander) "What news have you brought me?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Just this, Mr. President, the country is squarely behind you."
  • (John Alexander) "Yes, I know."
  • (John Alexander) "Mr. Witherfork."
  • (Edward Everett Horton) "Spoon."
  • (John Alexander) "Charge."
  • (John Alexander) "Mr. Witherfork."
  • (Edward Everett Horton) ""Spoon"."
  • (John Alexander) "Yes, Doctor, I'll run for a third term, but I won't be elected. That will be the last of the Roosevelts in the White House."
  • (Chester Clute) "That's what you think."
  • (John Alexander) "General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size."
  • (John Alexander) "A secret proclamation? How unusual."
  • (John Alexander) "Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Who?"
  • (John Alexander) "Taft."
  • (John Alexander) "Charge the blockhouse."
  • (Grant Mitchell) "Blockhouse?"
  • (Josephine Hull) "Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill."
  • (John Alexander) "I must be catching cold."
  • (Josephine Hull) "No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed."
  • (John Alexander) "I'll be in my office vetoing bills."
  • (John Alexander) "Gentlemen, what news have you brought me?"
  • (Edward McNamara) "Colonel, we have nothing to report."
  • (Jack Carson) "Huh?"
  • (Jack Carson) "Oh, no. Absolutely nothing to report."
  • (John Alexander) "Splendid. Thank you, gentlemen. At ease."
  • (John Alexander) "This is the picture I was telling you about, General. Here we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General Goethals. That's me, General, and that's you."
  • (Peter Lorre) "My how I've changed."

Priscilla Lane as Reporter

  • (Priscilla Lane) "We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls."
  • (Priscilla Lane) "But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too."
  • (Cary Grant) "One thing at a time."
  • (Priscilla Lane) "But, darling; Niagara Falls."
  • (Cary Grant) "It does? Well, let it."

Garry Owen as Cab Driver

  • (Garry Owen) "Hey, you. Five more bucks and you'll own it."
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, no thanks. It wouldn't fit me."
  • (Garry Owen) "Hey. $22.50."
  • (Cary Grant) "What?"
  • (Garry Owen) "$22.50."
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, yes, looks good on you."
  • (Garry Owen) "Yeah. Not the suit, the meter."

Edward McNamara as Police Sgt. Brophy

  • (Edward McNamara) "They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like, they're like pressed rose leaves."
  • (Edward McNamara) "Look, Sergeant, I promised ya I wouldn't swear but what the he;"
  • (Edward McNamara) "What's goin' on here anyway?"
  • (Grant Mitchell) "Oh, he's quite harmless."
  • (Edward McNamara) "Thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. So what? There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was."

Josephine Hull as Abby Brewster

  • (Josephine Hull) "Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Who can that be?"

Jean Adair as Martha Brewster

  • (Jean Adair) "Hmm. Hmm."
  • (Cary Grant) "What, hmm hmm?"
  • (Jean Adair) "The hat."
  • (Cary Grant) "Argh."
  • (Jean Adair) "Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?"
  • (Josephine Hull) "Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve."
  • (Jean Adair) "Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven."
  • (Josephine Hull) "No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen."
  • (Jean Adair) "But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one."
  • (Josephine Hull) "Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve."
  • (Jean Adair) "It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes."
  • (Cary Grant) "Makes it twelve? Twelve."
  • (Jean Adair) "Are you leaving, Doctor?"
  • (Peter Lorre) "Yes, please."

James Gleason as Lt. Rooney

  • (James Gleason) "Who are you? What's your name?"
  • (Cary Grant) "Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today."
  • (James Gleason) "What has occurred?"

Grant Mitchell as Reverend Harper

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Chester Clute as Dr. Gilchrist

  • (Chester Clute) "I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia."

Jack Carson as Officer Patrick O'Hara

  • (Jack Carson) "Look at that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.

Additional Film and TV Quotes

True Colors (1991 film) Quotes | El Cid (film) Quotes | Casshern (film) Quotes | The New People Quotes | The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis Quotes | Mighty Max (TV series) Quotes | Goodnight Sweetheart (TV series) Quotes | Enchanted April (1991 film) Quotes | Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife Quotes | Breaking the Waves Quotes | Marvin's Room (film) Quotes | Little Women (1994 film) Quotes | S.W.A.T. (film) Quotes | Teaching Mrs. Tingle Quotes | The Emperor and the Assassin Quotes | The Surreal Life Quotes | Duet (TV series) Quotes | Green Fire Quotes | Phone Booth (film) Quotes | Dave the Barbarian Quotes | Promised Land (TV series) Quotes | Death and the Compass (film) Quotes | The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex Quotes | Fat Man and Little Boy Quotes | Laser Mission Quotes |