(Article is below...)

Back to School Quotes

Back to School is a television program that was first aired in 1970 . Back to School ended its run in 1970.

It features Chuck Russell as producer, Danny Elfman in charge of musical score, and Thomas E. Ackerman as head of cinematography.

Back to School is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Back to School is 96 minutes long. Back to School is distributed by Orion Pictures.

The cast includes: Rodney Dangerfield as Thornton Melon, Sam Kinison as Professor Terguson, Robert Downey Jr. as Derek, Keith Gordon as Jason Melon, Burt Young as Lou, Paxton Whitehead as Dr. Phillip Barbay, William Zabka as Chas, Sally Kellerman as Diane, Adrienne Barbeau as Vanessa, and Ned Beatty as Dean Martin.

Back to School Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield as Thornton Melon

  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I hereby dedicate this building to -- myself."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, we were doomed from the start. I'm an Earth sign. She's a Water sign. Together, we made mud."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it."
  • (Keith Gordon) "Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "When I used to fall asleep in high school."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Listen, Sherlock. While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Ya gotta look out for number one -- and don't step in number two."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Remember -- You're a Melon."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Look, I'm throwing a little party in our room tonight, and you'd better be there."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Oh, I'm sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Bring him along. We may run outta ice."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "What lovely girls. How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "-- I didn't see anything."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "-- Honey, you're perfect."
  • (Trendy Man) "Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody."
  • (Trendy Man) "Well, she's very proud of it."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I'm proud of mine too. I don't go waving it around at parties, though."
  • (Trendy Man) "It's an exceptional painting."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, the painting."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Now that's what I call Marine Biology."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "Oh really? Like what for instance?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "First of all you're going to have to grease the local politicians for the sudden zoning problems that always come up. Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters, and if you plan on using any cement in this building I'm sure the teamsters would like to have a little chat with ya, and that'll cost ya. Oh and don't forget a little something for the building inspectors. Then there's long term costs such as waste disposal. I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business but I assure you it's not the boyscouts."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon. Maybe bribes, kickbacks and Mafia payoffs are how YOU do business. But they are NOT part of the legitimate business world. And they are certainly not part of anything I am doing in this class. Do I make myself clear, Mr. Melon."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I think I'm attracted to teachers. Yeah, I took out an English teacher. That didn't work out at all. I sent her a love letter -- She corrected it."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "That's right, Dean Martin."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Is that your real hair?"
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "What do ya think?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I think you're trying to get back at your parents, that's what I think."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "With the shape I'm in you could donate my body to science fiction."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Girls, this is Lou. Lou, these are girls."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, you guys get everything you need?"
  • (Keith Gordon) "Oh, yeah, we got it."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Good -- Hey. What's with the used books?"
  • (Keith Gordon) "Well, what's wrong with used books?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "They've already been read."
  • (Keith Gordon) "Yeah, and they already been UNDER-LINED, too. Get it?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "That's the problem. The last guy who under-lined them, he could have been a maniac. Hey, get these guys some new books. Huh? Get some new books, will ya?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're -- independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa; she used to scream out her own name."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "When's our first class?"
  • (Keith Gordon) "Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock."
  • (Keith Gordon) "No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Home, Sweet Home."
  • (Burt Young) "I liked the old house better."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "So did I."
  • (Burt Young) "I liked the old wife better, too."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "And you know what a lousy day yesterday was."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "What's your favorite subject?"
  • (Unnamed) "Poetry."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Lou, did you see the new spot?"
  • (Burt Young) "Yeah, I seen it."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Do I look fat in it?"
  • (Burt Young) "You could lose a couple of pounds."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I've gotta get bigger actors."
  • (Unnamed) "Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day --"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "- but a great view. You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't have any kids."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "And just remember, the best thing about kids -- is making them."

Robert Downey Jr. as Derek

  • (Player #1) "Hey, Lutz. You know who I am?"
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges."
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man."
  • (Player #1) "You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home."
  • (Keith Gordon) "Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?"
  • (Player #1) "Shut up, meat-head."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head."
  • (Player #1) "Yeah? Wanna make something of it?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset --"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "HE gets physical."
  • (Burt Young) "You got a problem?"
  • (Player #1) "No. I haven't got a problem."
  • (Burt Young) "Well, now you do."
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "You know what you almost never see? Somebody heckling a diver."
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "That's Valerie Desmond. Look how tight her ass is today."
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war."
  • (Robert Downey Jr.) "It's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know? It's set up to heap rewards on the advantaged and the aggressive -- and to make sure that two regular schmoes like you and me never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond. I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school."

Ned Beatty as Dean Martin

  • (Ned Beatty) "Ah, Phillip -- so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable."
  • (Ned Beatty) "Uh, right -- Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hard work? Listen, Sherlock. While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon."
  • (Ned Beatty) "I'm satisfied."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "I'm outraged."
  • (Ned Beatty) "Are you comfortable?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, I'm fine, yeah -- Oh, the chair. Oh, I'm sorry."
  • (Ned Beatty) "Mr. Melon, I'm only going to ask you once:"
  • (Ned Beatty) "-- Is this your work?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I can't lie to you, Dean Martin"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "-- Yes, it is."

William Zabka as Chas

  • (William Zabka) "I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week."
  • (Keith Gordon) "It's probably menstrual."
  • (William Zabka) "Screw you, Melon."

Sally Kellerman as Diane

  • (Sally Kellerman) "Don't you ever read?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Read. Who has time? I see the movie. I'm in and out in two hours."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh. How 'bout tomorrow night?"
  • (Sally Kellerman) "I have class then, too."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class?"
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Alright. Maybe I will."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Hello, Philip."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "What did he want?"
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Oh. What do ALL men want?"
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman? Tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth?"
  • (Sally Kellerman) "No, just dinner, Philip."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Are you jealous of Thornton Melon?"
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "Certainly not."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Ever since the women's movement, most of the men I meet go out of their WAY to show you how SENSITIVE they are. Before, they were too macho, and now they're too -- soft. You all want us to know you can CRY."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "No, with women, I never cry. Never. I beg."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "If we finish this bottle of wine, you won't have to beg."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Who is that?"
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "That -- is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman -- and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Oh, I think he was just having fun."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Oh, Phillip."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "How would you characterize "The Great Gatsby"?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "He was -- uh -- great."

Paxton Whitehead as Dr. Phillip Barbay

  • (Paxton Whitehead) "-- now, not withstanding Mr. Mellon's input. The next question for us is where to build our factory?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "how 'bout fantasyland?"
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "Diane."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Oh, Philip."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "We were supposed to go to dinner."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "I just had dinner."
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "I don't believe this."
  • (Sally Kellerman) "Maybe it's a dream. Good night, Philip."

Adrienne Barbeau as Vanessa

  • (Adrienne Barbeau) "You're impossible."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "And you're easy."
  • (Adrienne Barbeau) "You have NO class, Thornton, and I am TIRED of it. I want a divorce."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Divorce. I knew we had something in common."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Here, sign these."
  • (Adrienne Barbeau) "Oh. Oh, I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy, honey. This is gonna cost you; PLENTY."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Oh, yeah? Vanessa, let's talk about class for a minute, alright? Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room. A little classy, isn't it? Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room. Another classy one, huh? Ooh, this one, I can't figure out. There's you, there's Giorgio -- What's with the midget over here?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey, wait. I've got more."

Sam Kinison as Professor Terguson

  • (Sam Kinison) "You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China?"
  • (Sam Kinison) "Then take the f***ing wall apart"
  • (Sam Kinison) "brick by brick and nuke them back into the f***ing stone age forever? Tell me why. How come? Say it. Say it."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "All right. I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a p***** wimp to let MacArthur go in there"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "and blow out those Commie bastards."
  • (Sam Kinison) "Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea."
  • (Sam Kinison) "Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it."
  • (Sam Kinison) "I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work. Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him; While"
  • (Sam Kinison) "pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and"
  • (Sam Kinison) "listening to the god**** Beatle albums. Oh. Oh. Oh."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me -- I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover."
  • (Sam Kinison) "Come on, this man has been under a lot of pressure."
  • (Sam Kinison) "-- Say it --. Say it --. Say it."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "The answer is --"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "-- 4?"
  • (Paxton Whitehead) "Right."

Burt Young as Lou

  • (Burt Young) "Come here. I want to tell you something."
  • (Keith Gordon) "What?"
  • (Burt Young) "You were pretty hard on your father last night."
  • (Keith Gordon) "I know, but the guy doesn't understand."
  • (Burt Young) "I know your pop thirty years. He understands. He's a nice guy, and he's tough. Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. I'll give you an idea what I mean. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall. Your papa loves you. He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him."

Keith Gordon as Jason Melon

  • (Keith Gordon) "AAAHHH. Dad, uh -- what are you doing here?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I'm robbing your room. That's what I'm doing here."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "We drive 300 miles to see the kid, that's the greeting we get. Ha."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Come here, will ya? Ha ha ha."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Heya. How ya doing?"
  • (Keith Gordon) "Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I tried --"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I don't understand a word of it."
  • (Keith Gordon) "So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?"
  • (Kurt Vonnegut Jr.) "Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon."
  • (Keith Gordon) "Dad, what's goin' on here?"
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "I'm doin' my homework."
  • (Keith Gordon) "No, no, no, no, THEY're doing your homework."
  • (Rodney Dangerfield) "Jason, a good executive knows how to delegate authority."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.

Additional Film and TV Quotes

Layer Cake (film) Quotes | Abraham Lincoln (1930 film) Quotes | I Heart Huckabees Quotes | Cellular (film) Quotes | Madhouse (1990 film) Quotes | Alienated (TV series) Quotes | Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker Quotes | Bad Education (2004 film) Quotes | Zombi 2 Quotes | Heavyweights Quotes | Blankman Quotes | Cecil B. Demented Quotes | Blank Check (film) Quotes | Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue Quotes | My Dog Skip (film) Quotes | Ned Kelly (1970 film) Quotes | Amerika (miniseries) Quotes | The Naked Time Quotes | 10-8: Officers on Duty Quotes | Serenity (Firefly episode) Quotes | Bad Boys II Quotes | The Hand That Rocks the Cradle (film) Quotes | Mickey Blue Eyes Quotes | House of Flying Daggers Quotes | Without a Paddle Quotes |