Bad Santa Quotes

Bad Santa is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . Bad Santa ended its run in 1970.

It features John Cameron, Sarah Aubrey, and Bob Weinstein as producer, David Kitay in charge of musical score, and Jamie Anderson as head of cinematography.

Bad Santa is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Bad Santa is 91 minutes long. Bad Santa is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Bernie Mac as Gin, Tony Cox as Marcus, Billy Bob Thornton as Willie, Lauren Graham as Sue, John Ritter as Bob Chipeska, Lauren Tom as Kid, Ajay Naidu as Hindustani Troublemaker, Max Van Ville as Skateboard Bully, Lonnie Magargle as Security Guard, Billy Gardell as Milwaukee Security Guard, and Sheriff John Bunnell as Police Chief.

Bad Santa Quotes

John Ritter as Bob Chipeska

• (John Ritter) "Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume by the way."
• (Tony Cox) "Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job."
• (John Ritter) "You two are perfect for this job, truly. So, I don't want his unpleasentness affect your performance in any way."
• (Tony Cox) "Oh no. We --"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Performance?"
• (John Ritter) "Yes. Your performance. You know, the --"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Do you mean sexual?"
• (John Ritter) "Excuse me?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?"
• (John Ritter) "I'm sorry, your gear?"
• (Tony Cox) "Willie --"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "My f*** stick"
• (Tony Cox) "Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is."
• (John Ritter) "He's not going to say f*** stick in front of the children, is he?"
• (Tony Cox) "No. It was just a joke. An adult joke. For us, adults. It's a joke. Just a joke."

• (John Ritter) "Can you maybe find out something on this guy?"
• (Bernie Mac) "f*** yeah."

• (John Ritter) "I just can't help it. There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy."
• (Bernie Mac) "Well sure. Santa f***ing someone in the ass --"

Billy Bob Thornton as Willie

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Are you f***ing with me?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, whick is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more f***ed up than Rodney King."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "That's the seven dwarfs."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You're s***tin' me? f***, kid; i just call them you know like hey bub or chief, i tell them to make the god dammed toys"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What the f*** is wrong with you? I can't remember this s***. Does everything with you have to be a f***ing test?"
• (Lauren Tom) "How old are they?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Does your daddy have a car?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Wish in one hand, s*** in the other."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Why don't you wish in one hand, and s*** in the other. See which one fills up first."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "The hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to f***ing leave here."
• (Billy Gardell) "Pants are awful baggy. You got anything in there?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yeah, my dick. You wanna see it?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I'm an eating, drinking, s***ting, f***ing Santy Claus."
• (Lauren Graham) "Prove it."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Is that your underwear?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Part of it."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Where the hell's the rest of it?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?"
• (Lauren Tom) "I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yeah? What?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no f***ing gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?"
• (Lauren Tom) "He made it all better?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, he kicked my ass. You know why?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What the f***? No."
• (Lauren Tom) "He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a p***** and kick these kids in the balls or something."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Or don't. s***. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it."
• (Lauren Tom) "Okay. Thanks Santa."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You know, I think I've turned a corner."
• (Tony Cox) "Yeah? You f***ing petites now?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the s*** out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something."
• (Tony Cox) "You need many years of therapy. Many, many f***in' years of therapy."

• (Miami Bartender) "Hey. Asshole. How many times I gotta tell you? Get out from behind my bar."
• (Miami Bartender) "Put the drink down right now. PUT THE DRINK DOWN RIGHT NOW."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Ah. f*** you."
• (Miami Bartender) "Oh f*** me?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Aa-asshole."
• (Miami Bartender) "GET THE f*** OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You can't drink worth s***."
• (Tony Cox) "I weigh 92 pounds, you dick."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Does your daddy have a safe?"

• (Watching Boy) "I saw you at another mall."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, I'm happy for you."
• (Watching Boy) "If you really are Santa, you could do magic."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Wanna see some magic? OK, let's watch you disappear."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "OW. Watch the toenails, kid. s***."

• (Woman in Food Court) "Look who's here. It's Santa. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I'm on my f***ing lunch break, OK?"
• (Woman in Food Court) "The manager's going to hear about this."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You think you're a threat? You think you can make my f***ing life any worse? Go ahead, take a shot."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, what do you want? Great. Another f***ing Mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right? What the f*** are you doing, Don't f*** with my beard."
• (Lauren Tom) "Its not real."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No s***."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Ya see, it was real, but then Santa got sick and all the hair fell out, so I have to wear this f***ing thing"
• (Lauren Tom) "How did you get sick?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I loved a woman who wasn't clean."
• (Lauren Tom) "Mrs. Santa?"
• (Lauren Tom) "No, it was her sister"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Hey, can I get another drink down here?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Your name is Thurman Merman?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Oh s***."
• (Tony Cox) "What? What?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt."
• (Tony Cox) "So?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Remember Andy Pitz?"
• (Tony Cox) "Andy Pitzerelli, yeah."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls."
• (Tony Cox) "Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your f***ing point?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's p*****."
• (Tony Cox) "And that's a good thing? So what the f*** are you getting at?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked."
• (Tony Cox) "Are you s***ting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those f***in' housewives in a f***ing lime green f***ing velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this f***ing safe? Is that what you telling me?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Bet the store dick don't want this."
• (Tony Cox) "Store dick don't want s***. Store dick's dead."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "f***in' s***. f*** you."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "f*** you."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "f*** you."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "f*** you."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I'm not your f***ing Da-Da."

• (Miami Bartender) "Hey, asshole. How many times I gotta tell you, get out from behind my bar. Put the drink down right now. Put the drink down right now."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "f*** you."
• (Miami Bartender) "f*** me?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Ow."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "f*** you."
• (Miami Bartender) "f***ing prick."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Asshole."
• (Miami Bartender) "Get the f*** out of here right now."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What are you doing asshole? I'm trying to f***ing leave here."
• (Billy Gardell) "Pants are awfully baggy."
• (Billy Gardell) "You wouldn't be trying to steal nothing would ya?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You're an asshole, did you know that?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You ain't gonna s*** right for a week."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I'm on my f***ing lunch break, ok."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Why don't you go take a shower?"
• (Unnamed) "I'm a dancer, I sweat."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, you smell like a bum's nut sack."
• (Unnamed) "f*** you."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What the f*** is wrong with you? I can't remember this s***. Does everything with you gotta be a f***in test?"
• (Lauren Tom) "How old are they?"

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I said, "Next," god**** it. This is not the DMV."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "It's Christmas and the kid's gettin' his f***in' present."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I've been to prison once, I've been married; twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in s***-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty s***ty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Jesus f***in Christ."

• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Is daddy home?"
• (Lauren Tom) "He's on an adventure, exploring the mountains. He's been gone a long time."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Until next year."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yeah? What about mommy?"
• (Lauren Tom) "She lives in God's house; with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long eared donkey and the talking walnut."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, who the f*** takes care of you then?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Grandma."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yeah, what's her name?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Grandma."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Is Granny spry?"

Lauren Tom as Kid

• (Lauren Tom) "Why do you need a car?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What the f*** are you talking about?"
• (Lauren Tom) "This car."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Which turn is it?"
• (Lauren Tom) "Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "It's in the shop, getting repaired."
• (Lauren Tom) "Where are the reindeer?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I stabled them. Is it left or right?"
• (Lauren Tom) "That way. Where's the stable?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Next to the shop."
• (Lauren Tom) "How do they sleep?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Who? The reindeer? Standing up."
• (Lauren Tom) "But the noise. How do they sleep?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What noise?"
• (Lauren Tom) "From the shop."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "They only work during the day, all right?"
• (Lauren Tom) "I thought it was always night at the North Pole."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, not now. Right now it's always day."
• (Lauren Tom) "Then how do they sleep?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Oh, s***. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your f***ing head?"
• (Lauren Tom) "On my head?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?"
• (Lauren Tom) "How can they drop me onto my own head?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, not onto your -- Would -- God damn it. Are you f***ing with me?"

• (Lauren Tom) "OW -- OW -- OW -- I cut my hand, by mistake OW -- OW -- OW --"

• (Lauren Tom) "Santa."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yeah."
• (Lauren Tom) "You're bringing my present early?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No"
• (Lauren Tom) "But I never told you what I wanted."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "I said I didn't bring it, dips***."

• (Lauren Tom) "Want cookies?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No."
• (Lauren Tom) "Want milk?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No."
• (Lauren Tom) "Want me to fix you some sandwiches?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What the f*** is it with you and fixin' f***in' sandwiches?"

• (Lauren Tom) "Candy corn?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well they all can't be winners."

• (Lauren Tom) "What are their names?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Who?"
• (Lauren Tom) "The Elves."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "s***, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey --"
• (Lauren Tom) "That's the seven dwarfs."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "You're s***tin' me? I thought -- I was thinking there was a -- I don't know. f***, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them -- I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the f***, I tell them to make the god dammed toys."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What the f*** is wrong with you? I can't remember this s***. Does everything with you have to be a f***ing test?"
• (Lauren Tom) "How old are they?"

• (Lauren Tom) "Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, thank the f*** Christ."
• (Lauren Tom) "What about the elves?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends."

• (Lauren Tom) "You are really Santa, right?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No, I'm an accountant. I wear this f***ing thing as a fashion statement, alright?"

• (Lauren Tom) "Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister."

• (Lauren Tom) "It's a wooden pickle."

Lonnie Magargle as Security Guard

• (Lonnie Magargle) "Your pants are awful baggy, you got something in there?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yea, my dick, you wanna see it?"
• (Lonnie Magargle) "Keep pushing it, I got my eyes on you."

Tony Cox as Marcus

• (Tony Cox) "f*** you, Willie."

• (Tony Cox) "You're an emotional f***ing cripple. Your soul is dog s***. Every single f***ing thing about you is ugly."

• (Tony Cox) "You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass."

• (Tony Cox) "Oh, my. What a terrible accident. Mm-mm-mm --"

• (Tony Cox) "Merry Christmas. Santa's coming. YAY."
• (Tony Cox) "Merry Christmas. Santa's coming. YAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS."

• (Tony Cox) "There he is. That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed motherf***er."

• (Tony Cox) "How much?"
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "No f***ing way --"
• (Tony Cox) "Just back off, Will, I got this. I got this. Okay, 30%. That's three of us. 30%, that's fair."
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "I meant 33%."
• (Bernie Mac) "I meant half."
• (Tony Cox) "And 1/3."
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "35%."
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "40%."
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "42%?"
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "Um -- 45%."
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "48%?"
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."
• (Tony Cox) "49%?"
• (Bernie Mac) "Half."

• (Tony Cox) "You f*** her?"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Jesus Christ. Is everything f***in' sex with you?"
• (Tony Cox) "With me? I f*** one person. I ain't out there serial fornicatin', tryin' to float my liver, drinkin' myself silly, cuz I can't stand what a piece of s*** I am."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "What are you, Sigmund Sawed-Off f***in' Freud?"

• (Tony Cox) "If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you're gonna be so happy to hear from me, you're gonna do a god**** back flip. You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get f***ing hat-burn."

• (Tony Cox) "Oh, my. What a darling photo. Are you certain you only want this single? Additional photos come in handy as gifts for grandma and grandpa, or as a wonderful remembrance for friends."
• (Milwaukee Mom with Photo) "Gee, you know what? This one, I think it's more than enough. Thanks. Merry Christmas --"

• (Tony Cox) "Motherf***er. Oh you lousy, f***ing motherf***er."

• (Tony Cox) "You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' s*** that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass."

• (Tony Cox) "You could never front your own racket and do you know why, Willie? Because you got no discipline, you got zero f***ing initiative. You'd fall apart without me. You're just too pathetic for words. You're a f***in' loser and you f***in' know it."

• (Tony Cox) "I have to get a loofah and a --"
• (Tony Cox) "f*** the loofah, let's go."

• (Tony Cox) "More booze, more bulls***, more butt-f***ing"
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Sure, the 3 B's."

Bernie Mac as Gin

• (Bernie Mac) "We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick."
• (Tony Cox) "No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh --"
• (Bernie Mac) "This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff. I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Pricks fix?"
• (Tony Cox) "Ah, he's a f***ing moron."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?"
• (Tony Cox) "f*** you."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Negotiating?"
• (Tony Cox) "You don't like it? Next year, f*** off. I can always get another box jockey."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Yeah and I can get another midget too."
• (Tony Cox) "Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of f***ing trees like f***ing crab apples?"

• (Bernie Mac) "Sweet Jews for Jesus."

• (Bernie Mac) "You know what I see when I look at you? America's got a sad future ahead of it."

• (Bernie Mac) "Man is a sexual being."

Ajay Naidu as Hindustani Troublemaker

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Lauren Graham as Sue

• (Lauren Graham) "f*** me, Santa. f*** me, Santa. f*** me, Santa."

Max Van Ville as Skateboard Bully

• (Max Van Ville) "Hey, check out this loser. Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today?"
• (Max Van Ville) "Hey, loser. What's up, fat-ass? Hey, dip-s***. Moron."
• (Max Van Ville) "Hey, loser, How you doing today? Dumbass, why don't you turn around?"
• (Max Van Ville) "You know what? f*** this. We're out of there."

• (Max Van Ville) "Hey, loser. I hear your buddy's not here to protect you any more. See ya got me a new bike. Thanks a lot. I'm talking to you, fat-ass."
• (Lauren Tom) "Aaah."

Sheriff John Bunnell as Police Chief

• (Sheriff John Bunnell) "Drop the gun."
• (Tony Cox) "Huh?"
• (Sheriff John Bunnell) "And you, Santa, drop the elephant."
• (Tony Cox) "How did you get here?"
• (Sheriff John Bunnell) "Tipped off."
• (Billy Bob Thornton) "Oh, s***, that f***ing kid."
• (Sheriff John Bunnell) "All three of you are in so much s***, it's almost unbelievable."

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