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Bernie (2011 film) Quotes

Bernie (2011 film) is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Bernie stopped airing in 1970.

It features Liz Glotzer, Richard Linklater, David McFadzean, Dete Meserve, Judd Payne, Celine Rattray, Martin Shafer, Ginger Sledge, and Matt Williams as producer, Graham Reynolds (composer) in charge of musical score, and Dick Pope (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Bernie (2011 film) is distributed by Alchemy (company).

The cast includes: Matthew McConaughey as Danny Buck, Kay Epperson as Townsperson, Brady Coleman as Scrappy Holmes, Jack Black as Bernie Tiede, Shirley MacLaine as Marjorie Nugent, and Richard Robichaux as Lloyd Hornbuckle.

Bernie (2011 film) Quotes

Jack Black as Bernie Tiede

  • (Jack Black) "These economy boxes are not very large. We may have to make a leg adjustment to get a proper fit."
  • (Mrs. Eckles) "Leg adjustment?"
  • (Jack Black) "Well, not necessarily break the legs, but definitely bend the feet --"
  • (Mrs. Eckles) "No. No, I -- I won't have it."
  • (Jack Black) "Then may I suggest the Corinthian?"
  • (Jack Black) "Can I tell you, I am not fond of cremations. I just don't like the idea of someone spending eternity in something the size of a motel ice bucket."
  • (Jack Black) "And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift. Even the slightest hint of teeth can be disastrous. You cannot have grief tragically become a comedy."
  • (Jack Black) "The eyes are often a minor problem because they usually want to stay open. It's almost like they want one last look at this miraculous world. But with some superglue -- a little dab will do, and it's no more peeking."
  • (Jack Black) "Just a note to always remember: Too much color does not make one look more alive."
  • (Townsperson (KGA Radio DJ)) "A kid would wrap his car around a tree, and with Bernie, it was --"
  • (Jack Black) "And yet, death slipped up on young Mr. Shotwell, as gentle as a fallen mist."

Kay Epperson as Townsperson

  • (Kay Epperson) "In a small town, people will always suspect the worst of someone. But they'll also suspect the best."
  • (Kay Epperson) "I wrote the warden a letter. Yeah, I did. I told him that he had to give you a work release or something like that, so that you could sing at my funeral. Now, I'm not sick or anything, but now Bernie, you promised me that you would do that. And I totally mean wear those lil' chains or whatever if it made them feel better, so --"
  • (Jack Black) "That is awful sweet, Lenora. And it would be an honor, but don't count on it. I don't think they're letting me out of here for nothing."
  • (Kay Epperson) "Oh pfft -- sure they will. I told him that you went temporarily insane. And we're all going insane sooner or later."
  • (Kay Epperson) "She would chew your ass out at the drop of a hat. I mean, she'd rip you a brand new, there-bedroom two-bath, double-wide asshole. No problem."
  • (Kay Epperson) "I mean, he just made everybody look so beautiful. Except too bad, you were dead."
  • (Kay Epperson) "'Cause that old heifer, she turned down loans just for a hobby."

Shirley MacLaine as Marjorie Nugent

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Brady Coleman as Scrappy Holmes

  • (Brady Coleman) "So why did you leave the body there? It would seem to me that if you didn't want to get caught, you'd find some way to dispose of it."
  • (Jack Black) "Oh, no, no. No, I could never do that. That was never my intention. Everyone deserves a proper burial. And I was -- I was just waiting for my chance to give her one."
  • (Brady Coleman) "Well, trials are generally moved when the judge determines that the defendant can't get a fair trial locally. And that's usually because the crime is so egregious and so well-known that everybody in the community has already convicted the poor soon of a bitch accused of it. But in all the years I've been doing this for a living, I have never heard of the State seeking a change of venue because the defendant was so well-liked that they couldn't get a conviction."

Matthew McConaughey as Danny Buck

  • (Matthew McConaughey) "And the kicker is he always wore sandals."
  • (Kay Epperson) "Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals, and he never married. And he had twelve disciples, and I don't think any of them ever married. And the apostle Paul, he was a lifelong bachelor. And you never heard anybody in the New Testament say that they were a bunch of queers."
  • (Matthew McConaughey) "Ladies and gentlemen, after listening to all the evidence, I'm sure that you will agree that the defendant is a liar, a coward, and a backshooter. Now, come on. That's got to be about the lowest thing a man could ever do, ain't it? Shoot a little old lady in the back? Four times. There is no doubt in my mind that Bernie Tiede is a calculating, evil actor. He fooled a whole town for nine months. Now if he can do that, there ain't no telling what he'll do if you let him back on the streets. That poor woman stayed frozen stiff for nine whole months. In a freezer. It took two days to thaw her out. Just so they could perform a proper autopsy."
  • (Matthew McConaughey) "Now one of the main things and why I have this job, and why I feel like I'm good at it is, you see, I'm naturally suspicious."
  • (Café Waitress) "It's not as bad as people say it is. He only shot her four times, not five."
  • (Matthew McConaughey) "You know what? You people are as crazy as coot."

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