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Best in Show (film) Quotes

Best in Show (film) is a television program that debuted in 1970 . Best in Show completed its run in 1970.

It features Gordon Mark as producer, C. J. Vanston in charge of musical score, and Roberto Schaefer as head of cinematography.

Best in Show (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Best in Show (film) is 90 minutes long. Best in Show (film) is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Christopher Guest as Harlan Pepper, Parker Posey as Meg Swan, Jennifer Coolidge as Sherri Ann Cabot, Fred Willard as Buck Laughlin, Eugene Levy as Gerry Fleck, Catherine O'Hara as Cookie Fleck, Michael Hitchcock as Hamilton Swan, Michael McKean as Stefan Vanderhoof, Larry Miller as Max Berman, Jane Lynch as Christy Cummings, John Michael Higgins as Scott Donlan, Ed Begley Jr. as Hotel Manager, Larry Miller as Fay Berman, Jim Piddock as Trevor Beckwith, and Bob Balaban as Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III.

Best in Show (film) Quotes

Fred Willard as Buck Laughlin

  • (Fred Willard) "I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded like that. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?""
  • (Jim Piddock) "Yes, I remember you said that last year."
  • (Fred Willard) "I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that."
  • (Fred Willard) "Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, at the top of my game, maxing out at 500."
  • (Fred Willard) "Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet."
  • (Jim Piddock) "I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right."
  • (Fred Willard) "He's got two left feet. Man, go get'm pal."
  • (Fred Willard) "Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor?"
  • (Nurse) "Uh, no."
  • (Fred Willard) "Remind me never to come to you for a physical."
  • (Fred Willard) "Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia; a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact."
  • (Fred Willard) "I went to one of those obedience places once -- it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts."
  • (Fred Willard) "I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun."
  • (Fred Willard) "He went for her like she's made outta ham."
  • (Fred Willard) "Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?"
  • (Fred Willard) "Now that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a greyhound?"
  • (Jim Piddock) "Uhh -- I can't really say --"
  • (Fred Willard) "If you put them in a race, who would come in first? You know if you had a little jockey on them, going like this"
  • (Fred Willard) "And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten."

Eugene Levy as Gerry Fleck

  • (Eugene Levy) "Don't water the plants, they're plastic."
  • (Eugene Levy) "She had dozens of boyfriends."
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "Hundreds."
  • (Eugene Levy) "Hundreds?"
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "-- Yeah, hundreds."
  • (Eugene Levy) "Well, I did not know that. Not that -- Not that I didn't have quite the reputation myself. I was known by, you know, "some", to be quite the Casanova."
  • (Eugene Levy) "I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet."
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "I thought he was kidding."
  • (Eugene Levy) "But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet."
  • (Eugene Levy) "Do you appreciate the amount of work that went into this?"
  • (John Michael Higgins) "I ought to, I did it myself. I did it, I did it myself. I bored him to death, talked about it non stop."
  • (Michael McKean) "Well that is six months, six months working with leather and red thread. How much fun was he to be with?"
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Oh -- heaven -- HEAVEN."

Michael McKean as Stefan Vanderhoof

  • (Michael McKean) "Too much information."
  • (Michael McKean) "Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off."
  • (Michael McKean) "I'll take care of the membranes."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off."
  • (Michael McKean) "Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "And do me a favor, will you? Just get out one of those pepperoni sticks. I just wanna hold it."
  • (Michael McKean) "We're gonna be in Philadelphia for 48 hours, how many tea services can you do?"
  • (Michael McKean) "When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bar tender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple."
  • (Michael McKean) "We're not gonna sell, just give it out to friends."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "I think we should try to sell it."
  • (Michael McKean) "Really?"
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Yeah."
  • (Michael McKean) "Well, if we could give the money to Shih Tzu rescue."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "They have plenty of money."
  • (Michael McKean) "Well so do we."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "What Shih Tzus need rescuing anyway? You don't see Shih Tzus straggling around the streets in an old coat "help, alms for the poor"."
  • (Michael McKean) "Like the little match girl."
  • (Michael McKean) "So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here."
  • (Michael McKean) "They had the same prance, the same rhythm, it was like they were two members of the same body."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got so exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?"
  • (Michael McKean) "I think we're overpacking."

Michael Hitchcock as Hamilton Swan

  • (Michael Hitchcock) "Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck?"
  • (Parker Posey) "Is that not breathing?"
  • (Michael Hitchcock) "Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray."
  • (Michael Hitchcock) "I remember what I was drinking when I met you. It was a grande espresso."
  • (Parker Posey) "That's right. And I thought that was really sexy."
  • (Michael Hitchcock) "You've got your Busy Bee. Do you want your Busy Bee?"
  • (Michael Hitchcock) "I'm now a big old tchai tea latte soy milk kind of guy."
  • (Parker Posey) "Mmm. Soy. Because of the lactose. You're lactose intolerant now."

Ed Begley Jr. as Hotel Manager

  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Have you tried looking under the bed?"
  • (Parker Posey) "Of course I've looked under the bed, of course I've looked under the bed. That's where you look when you lose things."
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "We have you down for a queen."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "What are you suggesting -- my dear man?"

Jim Piddock as Trevor Beckwith

  • (Jim Piddock) "And now we have the toy, the Shih Tzu is coming, and here is, uh, Scott Donlan."
  • (Fred Willard) "Look at Scott. He is prancing along with the dog. Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman."

Parker Posey as Meg Swan

  • (Parker Posey) "This? This is a fish. This is a fish. You know what? Just shut up."
  • (Parker Posey) "What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?"
  • (Parker Posey) "We are so lucky. We are so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs."
  • (Parker Posey) "No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume."
  • (Parker Posey) "One day Hamilton gathered his courage and approached me --"
  • (Michael Hitchcock) "I remember, I was drinking a grande espresso."
  • (Parker Posey) "I know, and I remember I thought that was really sexy. I was drinking capuccinos -- then I switched over to lattes -- now it's double espresso macchiato --"
  • (Michael Hitchcock) "These days I'm a big chai tea/soymilk kind of guy."
  • (Parker Posey) "Because of the lactose. You're lactose-intolerant now."
  • (Parker Posey) "We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other."
  • (Parker Posey) "I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from."
  • (Parker Posey) "I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have."
  • (Parker Posey) "Oh, God. She's not even responding to the toy."
  • (Parker Posey) "Thanks a lot, you stupid hotel manager."

Jane Lynch as Christy Cummings

  • (Jane Lynch) "It's interesting, we have kind of a family dynamic going on here which pretty much mirrors what I grew up with: I'm the mommy slash daddy, the taskmaster, the disciplinarian."
  • (Jennifer Coolidge) "Mr. Punishment over here."
  • (Jane Lynch) "Oh, but I also reward. And Sherri Ann is responsible for the unconditional love."
  • (Jennifer Coolidge) "And the decorative abilities."
  • (Jane Lynch) "The heart and the soul which was what my mom did. That was her role. She was there for the unconditional love -- and it worked for my family, you know -- until my mom committed suicide in '81."

John Michael Higgins as Scott Donlan

  • (John Michael Higgins) "All right, I'm coming, hold your horses."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Oooh, Stefan, we should have gotten horses."
  • (Michael McKean) "Yeah, right, little bitty horses."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Just little ones."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "This is my euphemism, Stefan."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "How tall are you?"
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "I'm 6'4"."
  • (Michael McKean) "I thought so. I feel like Alan Ladd at Easter Island."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Where are you from, like Nor -- Norland? Norway?"
  • (Ed Begley Jr.) "Uh, I'm Irish-German."
  • (Michael McKean) "Like Robert Duvall in "The Godfather"."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Bratwurst and shillelaghs -- paging Dr. Freud."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Rhapsody has two mommies."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "I'm thrown overboard. Anchors aweigh."
  • (Michael McKean) "The Man who knew too much."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "Yeah, well there it is, the man who knew too much."
  • (John Michael Higgins) "This is my euphemism, Stefan."

Catherine O'Hara as Cookie Fleck

  • (Bulge) "Cookie?"
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "Yeah?"
  • (Bulge) "Cookie Guggleman?"
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "Yeah. Do I know you?"
  • (Bulge) "Does this ring a bell?"
  • (Bulge) ""I'm not wearing underwear"."
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "Bulge? Get outta town."
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "How many years ago did he poke me?"
  • (Malcolm) "I've banged a lot of waitresses in my day, but you, you, you were the best."
  • (Catherine O'Hara) "You don't forget the best."

Jennifer Coolidge as Sherri Ann Cabot

  • (Jennifer Coolidge) "Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about."

Christopher Guest as Harlan Pepper

  • (Christopher Guest) "I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts." And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut."
  • (Christopher Guest) "After the dog show I was on an El Al flight to Haifa faster than a walnut could roll off a henhouse roof."
  • (Christopher Guest) ""I saw her at the sideshow at the fair. The sign said, 'TURTLE WOMAN; PLEASE BEWARE'." And they had a sign saying, "BEWARE," because of snapping turtles, I guess. "But I went in and I just had to stare. Turtle Woman, I love you, I don't care.""

Larry Miller as Max Berman

  • (Larry Miller) "I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I s*** you not, you little freak. Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly. I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?"
  • (Larry Miller) "Don't look him in the eye. It challenges him. He doesn't like that."

Bob Balaban as Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III

  • (Bob Balaban) "And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically; very, very specific, rigid, you could say, but in this world where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are."

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