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Billy Madison Quotes

Billy Madison is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Billy Madison stopped airing in 1970.

It features Robert Simonds as producer, Randy Edelman in charge of musical score, and Victor Hammer as head of cinematography.

Billy Madison is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Billy Madison is 89 minutes long. Billy Madison is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: Josh Mostel as Principal, Adam Sandler as Billy Madison, Norm Macdonald as Frank, Chris Farley as Bus Driver, Darren McGavin as Brian Madison, Bradley Whitford as Eric, Dina Platias as Miss Lippy, Theresa Merritt as Juanita, Bridgette Wilson as Veronica Vaughn, Josh Mostel as Principal Max Anderson, Mark Beltzman as Jack, Steve Buscemi as Danny McGrath, and Larry Hankin as Carl.

Billy Madison Quotes

Adam Sandler as Billy Madison

  • (Adam Sandler) "You BLEW IT."
  • (Adam Sandler) "# Suntan lotion is good for me. / You protect me, hee-hee-hee. #"
  • (Adam Sandler) "You fallin' in love with the wall or somethin?"
  • (Ernie) "I had an accident."
  • (Adam Sandler) "You had an accident? What's that supposed to mean; GOO."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?"
  • (Bridgette Wilson) ""Rizzuto"?"
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Rirruto?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Those're Z's."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "They look like R's to me."
  • (Adam Sandler) "That's not fair. Rizzuto's not a word. He's a baseball player. You're cheating."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that f***ing dog."
  • (Unnamed) "How's high school Billy?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great."
  • (Unnamed) "Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Now you're all in big, BIG trouble."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Eric drinks his own pee."
  • (Adam Sandler) "You want some more of that? I didn't think so."
  • (Lunch Lady) "Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Lady, you're scaring us."
  • (Unnamed) "Speak for yourself, Moron."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Ha ha ha, oh my GOD that is funny."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Man, I'm glad I called that guy."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Hey, Carl. What's up?"
  • (Larry Hankin) "Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today."
  • (Adam Sandler) "You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Shut up."
  • (Adam Sandler) "OW. Your tearing my ear off."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "I'm sorry I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm going to fail you. End of story."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I see your lips moving but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Arrroooooooo."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Oh, I CAN -- and i WILL."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "You know how badly I could beat you, right?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Stop looking at me, swan."
  • (O'Doyle (Grade 12)) "O'Doyle rules."
  • (Adam Sandler) "O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Suntan lotion is good for me. You protect me; tee hee hee. Oh the sun tries to burn me but you won't let it; will ya? Ultraviolet rays bad. Lotion good."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Smiley."
  • (Unnamed) "Spell "couch"."
  • (Unnamed) "Couch. C-O-W --"
  • (Adam Sandler) "No."
  • (Unnamed) "No, I'm sorry, that's not right."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?"
  • (Unnamed) "No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister."
  • (Adam Sandler) "C-O-U-C-H."
  • (Unnamed) "Correct."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I think Crazy Carl is right."
  • (Adam Sandler) "It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole."
  • (Knibb High Principal) "If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Yes, Sir."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Yes, Sir."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Give me one more chance, I'll prove I can take over. I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again, and I'll get the diploma all by myself."
  • (Darren McGavin) "Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Alright, boys night out. Let's go."
  • (Adam Sandler) "You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?"
  • (Theresa Merritt) "I thought I was your snack pack."
  • (Adam Sandler) "How 'bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?"
  • (Rollo the Janitor) "I'd rather have a beer."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP."
  • (Unnamed) "I dare you to touch her boobs."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I need to go to the bathroom."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Not too long now --"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Oh, I'm sorry. Damn bus driver drives like an animal."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now?"
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "I double dare you."
  • (Adam Sandler) "That -- tit -- accident --"
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Go back to your seat now."
  • (Adam Sandler) "-- I -- Yes --"
  • (Unnamed) "You got a misshaped head."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Thank you."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one."
  • (Dina Platias) "Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "That's quacktastic."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Where's my snack pack?"
  • (Theresa Merritt) "You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Just DO IT."
  • (Unnamed) "Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Kid can't even read"
  • (Ernie) "Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble."
  • (Adam Sandler) "T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR."
  • (Adam Sandler) "No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll."

Bridgette Wilson as Veronica Vaughn

  • (Bridgette Wilson) "So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo --"
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Really?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "-- Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Norman invasion of England."
  • (Adam Sandler) "1066."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "That is correct. The Magna Carta."
  • (Adam Sandler) "1215."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Yes. Spanish Armada."
  • (Adam Sandler) "1466. '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? Please do not do that. Come on, I swear -- Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "You think he's horny? Come here."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "So what's it like, being back in school?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "No milk will ever be our milk."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Don't you think it's a little pathetic that just because of who your is Father, you get to do school all over again?"
  • (Darren McGavin) "Yes, I do."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap."
  • (Mark Beltzman) "What is she talking about?"
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Good morning, class."
  • (Unnamed) "Good morning, Miss Vaughan."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny"."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Sixty nine."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Don't I have a nice rack?"

Norm Macdonald as Frank

  • (Norm Macdonald) "When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job."
  • (Norm Macdonald) "I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something."
  • (Mark Beltzman) "Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco."
  • (Norm Macdonald) "Polo. Jeez, that was a great game."
  • (Norm Macdonald) "Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?"
  • (Norm Macdonald) "'74."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Meg Ryan."

Darren McGavin as Brian Madison

  • (Darren McGavin) "Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you are looking for?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Here's a nice piece of s***."
  • (Darren McGavin) "What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?"
  • (Larry Hankin) "No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "I believed in Billy all along, sir."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Oh, cut the horses***. I know you blackmailed Max."
  • (Darren McGavin) "Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade."
  • (Larry Hankin) "Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company."
  • (Darren McGavin) "Well, technically you're right, but --"
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically -- " Blah, blah, blah. Just shut up. So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?"
  • (Darren McGavin) "No."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Then, I'll see your ass in court."
  • (Darren McGavin) "Good."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Nice talkin' to ya, s***heads."
  • (Darren McGavin) "You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Oh no, you didn't."
  • (Darren McGavin) "Rock? "r-o-k"?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Yea, so what's your point?"
  • (Darren McGavin) "r-o-C-k."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Ohh. The "C" is silent."
  • (Darren McGavin) "You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes --"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank."
  • (Darren McGavin) "Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake."
  • (Darren McGavin) "What? Are you some damned moron?"
  • (Darren McGavin) "Billy, could you step in here a moment? I have big news."
  • (Adam Sandler) "ERIC, IS PREGNANT?"

Bradley Whitford as Eric

  • (Bradley Whitford) "Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know."
  • (Josh Mostel) "Where'd you get that?"
  • (Bradley Whitford) "I have a subscription. Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. Boy, this wacko looks familiar."
  • (Josh Mostel) "What do I care about some stupid phony wrestling guy?"
  • (Bradley Whitford) "My God. In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him."
  • (Josh Mostel) "It was just a stunt. He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree."
  • (Josh Mostel) "No. No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you?"
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Max, are you ready to cooperate with me?"
  • (Josh Mostel) "Yes."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "That's right, I blackmailed you."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "So he's passed first grade and moved on to second. whooptieto. Any more information, Rollo?"
  • (Rollo the Janitor) "Uh --"
  • (Rollo the Janitor) "Billy likes to drink soda, Miss Lippy's car is green,"
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?"
  • (Larry Hankin) "You know, everyone's having a good time but you."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Spoiled snot. Get outta here."

Theresa Merritt as Juanita

  • (Theresa Merritt) "Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too."

Steve Buscemi as Danny McGrath

  • (Steve Buscemi) "Hello?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Hello? Is this Danny? Danny McGrath?"
  • (Steve Buscemi) "Yeah."
  • (Adam Sandler) "The Danny McGrath who graduated from Knibb Highschool in 1984?"
  • (Steve Buscemi) "Yeah, who's this?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Umm -- this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me."
  • (Steve Buscemi) "Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it, it's no problem."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Wow, that's great. Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee."
  • (Steve Buscemi) "Yeah, sure. I'd like that."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Okay, great. I'll see you around."
  • (Steve Buscemi) "Okay. Bye."

Josh Mostel as Principal Max Anderson

  • (Josh Mostel) "Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Uh -- Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting -- bigger."
  • (Adam Sandler) "So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy; "society"; knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Knibb High football rules."
  • (Josh Mostel) "Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine."

Larry Hankin as Carl

  • (Larry Hankin) "Billy is not an idiot."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune Five Hundred company."
  • (Larry Hankin) "I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you."
  • (Larry Hankin) "I'm sorry."
  • (Bradley Whitford) "Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?"

Chris Farley as Bus Driver

  • (Chris Farley) "That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean."
  • (Adam Sandler) "No, you don't."
  • (Chris Farley) "Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. Wooo-eee."
  • (Adam Sandler) "No, they didn't."
  • (Chris Farley) "No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful."
  • (Chris Farley) "No yelling on the bus."
  • (Kyle) "Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver."
  • (Chris Farley) "HEY."
  • (Bridgette Wilson) "Hey who threw that?"
  • (Chris Farley) "I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh. Little s***."

Dina Platias as Miss Lippy

  • (Dina Platias) "I want you all to meet a new friend Billy. Can everyone say hello to Billy?"
  • (Unnamed) "Hello, Billy."

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