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Blackadder's Christmas Carol Quotes

Blackadder's Christmas Carol is a Period piece; Situational comedy that was first aired in 1970 on BBC One. Blackadder's Christmas Carol ended in 1970.

It features John Lloyd (writer) as producer, and Howard Goodall as theme composer.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Blackadder's Christmas Carol is 42 minutes long. Spinoffs for this show include Blackadder Goes Forth.

The cast includes: Stephen Fry as Melchet, Rowan Atkinson as Ebenezer Blackadder, Tony Robinson as Baldrick, Rowan Atkinson as Lord Edmund Blackadder, Pauline Melville as Mrs. Scratchit, Stephen Fry as Frondo, Rowan Atkinson as Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder, and Rowan Atkinson as Ebeneezer Blackadder.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol Quotes

Rowan Atkinson as Lord Edmund Blackadder

  • (Spirit of Christmas) "Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflints. You know that old fella across the road? Bags of money; I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his "John Thomas" as a draught excluder."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, dear. Old people today. Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?"
  • (Spirit of Christmas) "Well, it's all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "I'm afraid the only way you are likely to get a wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, well, another year without profit. Still, it is Christmas. And let us remember, Mr. Baldrick, that be we as stoney as a Biblical execution it is still the season of good cheer and we have all our Christmas treats."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Seventeen pounds and a penny."
  • (Tony Robinson) "It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed."
  • (Tony Robinson) "Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?"
  • (Spirit of Christmas) "You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more -- medicinal?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, I see. No, I've only got some of "Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion.""
  • (Spirit of Christmas) "Oh. Nothing but the best at this house."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Ah, my dear Millicent, come for her dinner."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "-- and she seems to have brought the fish course with her. Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?"
  • (Ralph) "I think -- it's me."
  • (Millicent) "This is Ralph; he's my fiance."
  • (Ralph) "We're in love."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, dear. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Shut up."
  • (Millicent) "Oh, Mr. Blackadder. What's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the -- the horridest man in the world."
  • (Tony Robinson) "I was thinking the same thing myself."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "-- when spoken to."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand; blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Baldrick, I want you to go out and buy a turkey so large you'd think it's mother had been rogered by an omnibus."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "In fact, there is something in your stocking, Baldrick, something I made for you."
  • (Tony Robinson) "Ah, well that's the best kind of gift, Mr. B. What is it?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "It's a fist. It's for hitting people with. (Punches Baldrick) And the great thing is, you can use it again and again. (hits Baldrick again)"
  • (Enormous Orphan) "God bless Mister B. at Christmastime / And baby Jesus too / If we were little pigs we'd sing: / "Piggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, piggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, piiiiiiig-gy wiggy wiggy woo / Piggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, pig wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wooooooo.""
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "UTTER crap."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "So, let's get this straight: If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe."
  • (Spirit of Christmas) "Maybe -- Maybe -- But would you be happy? Being ruler of the universe is not all it's cracked up to be; there's the long hours -- I mean, you wave at people the whole time. You're no longer your own boss."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "But, so, what if I stayed good? What then does the future hold?"
  • (Spirit of Christmas) "Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here. I've got four hauntings and a 'scare-the-bugger-to-death' to do before morning."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Cor, that woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) ""Christmas" has an H in it, Mr Baldrick. And an R. Also an I and an S; also a T, an M, an A, and another S. Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "-- it points to the very clear lesson thad bad guys have all the fun."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Cork it, fatso. Don't you realise that this is the Victorian Age, where apart from Queen Piglet-Features herself, women and children are to be seen and not heard."
  • (Prince Albert) "Queen Piglet-Features."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Yes. "Empress Oink," us lads call her. The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her is that stupid Frankfurter of a husband. "The Pig and the Prig," we call them. How they ever managed to produce their one hundred and twelve children is quite beyond me. The bed-chambers of Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "I am not at home to guests."
  • (Prince Albert) "I flatter myzelf ve are llather special guests, sir."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, of course, I must apologize. It isn't often that one receives a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests."
  • (Prince Albert) "Ah, zo you llecognize us at last."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Yes. Unless I'm very much mistaken, you're the winner of the 'Round Britain Shortest Fattest Dumpiest Woman Competition. And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "HA. Got him with my subtle plan."
  • (Tony Robinson) "I can't see any subtle plan."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again.""

Tony Robinson as Baldrick

  • (Tony Robinson) "I've been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, of course. How did it go?"
  • (Tony Robinson) "Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, dear. This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?"
  • (Tony Robinson) "Got another Jesus."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, thank goodness. And his name?"
  • (Tony Robinson) ""Spot." There weren't any more children so we had to settle for a dog instead."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof.""
  • (Tony Robinson) "Mr. B. Where's the milk of human kindness?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks."
  • (Tony Robinson) "It's a bit of a tiddler ain't it?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Yes but size isn't important my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it."

Pauline Melville as Mrs. Scratchit

  • (Pauline Melville) "Ah, Mr. Ebenezer. I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me? or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "I've always found you 'foul,' Mrs. Scratchit; and more than a little. As for Tiny Tom's Christmas: he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside."
  • (Pauline Melville) "No goose for Tiny Tom this year."
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Mrs. Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats anymore heartily, he will turn into a pie shop."

Stephen Fry as Frondo

  • (Stephen Fry) "Greetings of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yule log slip from your fire and burn your house down."
  • (Stephen Fry) "What news of the foul Marmydons?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Scattered to the nine vectors, m'lord."
  • (Stephen Fry) "And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatticon Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "Well they're dead, if that's what you mean."
  • (Pigmot) "Plus Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?"
  • (Rowan Atkinson) "No, my lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibbles because you just made them up."

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