Boston Legal Quotes

Boston Legal is a Legal drama that debuted in 2004 on American Broadcasting Company. Boston Legal ended its run in 2008.

Boston Legal aired for 5 seasons and 101 episodes. It features Danny Lux as composer. Boston Legal is executive produced by David E. Kelley. Boston Legal is created by David E. Kelley.

Boston Legal is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Boston Legal is 42 minutes long. Boston Legal is produced by David E. Kelley and distributed by 20th Television.

The cast includes: James Spader as Alan Shore, William Shatner as Denny Crane, William Shatner as Donny Crane, Candice Bergen as Shirley Schmidt, Mark Valley as Brad Chase, Christian Clemenson as Joe, Rhona Mitra as Tara Wilson, Lake Bell as Sally Heep, Monica Potter as Lori Colson, and René Auberjonois as Paul Lewiston.

Boston Legal Quotes

James Spader as Alan Shore

• (James Spader) "Hate to extort and run."

• (Al Sharpton) "Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick --"
• (James Spader) "And subtle."
• (Judge Harry Hingham) "Who the Hell are you?"
• (Al Sharpton) "-- The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will."
• (James Spader) "Gay, not black."
• (Al Sharpton) "The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?"
• (Judge Harry Hingham) "Who is this man?"
• (Al Sharpton) "Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty. Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty."
• (James Spader) "And cut."

• (James Spader) "Denny, I'm going to miss you."
• (William Shatner) "I'm not going anywhere."
• (James Spader) "I've been married; of course you are."

• (James Spader) "You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton."

• (James Spader) "Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair."
• (Lester Tremont) "That's three things."
• (James Spader) "See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started."

• (James Spader) "You two have had sex."

• (James Spader) "You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them."
• (James Spader) "This man here would fire me if I didn't."
• (William Shatner) "Denny Crane."

• (James Spader) "Oh, yes, mindful that abroad people tend to expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words."
• (William Shatner) "Denny Crane, eh?"

• (Unnamed) "Snide-ass."
• (James Spader) "Your Honor, I move to strike. He's never seen my ass."

• (James Spader) "What's your specialty?"
• (Dr. Allen Konigsberg) "Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce I've been working with him alone."
• (James Spader) "So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?"

• (James Spader) "Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after -- you? Would there?"
• (Candice Bergen) "Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt."

• (James Spader) "You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts, "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.""
• (James Spader) "Until then."
• (Attorney Melvin Palmer) "Oh."
• (Attorney Melvin Palmer) "You. You dog."
• (Attorney Melvin Palmer) "Ah --"

• (Judge Harry Hingham) "Alright already, I've heard enough. I'm going to rule on this."
• (James Spader) "You can't rule yet."
• (Judge Harry Hingham) "Why not?"
• (James Spader) "I don't know."

• (James Spader) "Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode."

• (James Spader) "Hello, I'm a complete stranger and I'm here to pick you up."
• (James Spader) "Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds."
• (Christian Clemenson) "You got a problem?"
• (James Spader) "No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate."
• (Christian Clemenson) "Here's a health tip. Walk away."
• (James Spader) "Why would I do that?"
• (Rhona Mitra) "All right, guys."
• (James Spader) "Don't be deceived by my cushy appearance."
• (Rhona Mitra) "Excuse me. I actually am with him."
• (Christian Clemenson) "I don't care. Walk away, or I lay you out."
• (James Spader) "I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't the object to lay her out?"
• (Rhona Mitra) "Hey."
• (Christian Clemenson) "Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I was reaching for my wallet --"
• (James Spader) "I see. Allow me to reach for mine."
• (Rhona Mitra) "Are you all right?"
• (James Spader) "Fine."
• (James Spader) "Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping. Here's three hundred dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there?"
• (Mike) "Really?"
• (Rhona Mitra) "Alan."
• (James Spader) "There's an extra hundred if he goes down."
• (Mike) "You're on."
• (James Spader) "Make it a good one."
• (Rhona Mitra) "Oh, for God's sakes."
• (James Spader) "Here's a hundred; go help your friend."
• (James Spader) "Gee, seems Joe has buddies."
• (James Spader) "One for you, one for you. I've got plenty of them. Hit him hard, now. For you, and for you --"

• (James Spader) "This book, "A Stain Upon The Sea" it's all about these sea lice."
• (William Shatner) "Interesting."
• (James Spader) "They call them cling ons."
• (William Shatner) "Did you say Klingons?"

• (James Spader) "Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all.""

• (James Spader) "That's Bernie."
• (Rhona Mitra) "Who?"
• (James Spader) "The little skillet-welding client from last week, he's whacked another one. He promised me he wouldn't."
• (Bernard Ferrion) "Alan."
• (James Spader) "What have you done now?"
• (Bernard Ferrion) "There's a awful lot of excitement."
• (James Spader) "I saw, both live and on the news. You've been flaying again with your frying pan, haven't you, Bernard?"
• (Bernard Ferrion) "I never meant for it to happen."
• (James Spader) "I am very disappointed. I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind inner you. It was wonderful; poignant, even, and how you have completely mooted it by committing murder again."
• (Bernard Ferrion) "I never meant to kill her."
• (James Spader) "Well, what? You just went over there to make an omelet and things got out of hand?"

• (Judge Harry Hingham) "A ho-mo-sexual? That's where we're at now? Santa Clauses being played by ho-mo-sexuals?"
• (James Spader) "I believe "homosexual" is one word, judge. But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay"."

• (James Spader) "Sally."
• (James Spader) "Could I trouble you to do a quick background check? I realize we haven't spoken much since we stopped having sex, and frankly I'm dismayed by that. But, what I need to know is everything you can find out about my new client -- ."

William Shatner as Denny Crane

• (William Shatner) "It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door."
• (Rhona Mitra) "You're insane."
• (William Shatner) "Pull."

• (William Shatner) "You're one of those environmental lawyers?"
• (Peter Barrett) "Is there something wrong with that?"
• (William Shatner) "They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment."
• (James Spader) "All reality, none of it scripted."

• (William Shatner) "It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans -- we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys."

• (William Shatner) "How can you ban red meat?"
• (Dominick Ryan) "Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world."
• (William Shatner) "We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians."
• (Dominick Ryan) "Is there anything we can do?"
• (Candice Bergen) "We'll get an immediate TRO."
• (William Shatner) "I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard."
• (Candice Bergen) "The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments."

• (William Shatner) "I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load."

• (William Shatner) "Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?"
• (Mark Harrison) "Yes."
• (William Shatner) "Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?"
• (Mark Harrison) "Yes."
• (William Shatner) "You were fully informed."
• (Mark Harrison) "I was."
• (William Shatner) "You consented."
• (Mark Harrison) "I did."
• (William Shatner) "Take it again?"
• (Mark Harrison) "Absolutely."
• (William Shatner) "Like the doctor?"
• (Mark Harrison) "Love him."
• (William Shatner) "How's your memory?"
• (Mark Harrison) "My memory's fine."
• (William Shatner) "What's my name?"
• (Mark Harrison) "Denny Crane."
• (William Shatner) "Like you mean it."
• (Mark Harrison) "Denny Crane."
• (William Shatner) "What's my name?"
• (Mark Harrison) "Denny Crane."
• (William Shatner) "No further questions."

• (Brian Stevens) "Motion for continuance is denied."
• (William Shatner) "You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife."

• (William Shatner) "100 women there, and you didn't invite me. That's 200 breasts. And you kept them all to yourself."

• (William Shatner) "If she tries to pee standing up, come get me."
• (William Shatner) "Lock and load."

• (William Shatner) "Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost -- pretend you've won. Works for our president."

• (William Shatner) "The only thing to be scared of son is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it."

• (William Shatner) "We look good together."
• (James Spader) "Yes, we do."

• (William Shatner) "Denny Crane, Trix are for Kids -- Denny Crane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

• (William Shatner) "Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane."
• (James Spader) "Hey. Hey."
• (William Shatner) "What the hell do you --"
• (James Spader) "Get up, Denny. We're going to the bathroom."
• (William Shatner) "Untie the knot."
• (James Spader) "It takes too long. Let's just -- get up."
• (William Shatner) "I'm not getting up."
• (James Spader) "It'll take two seconds."
• (William Shatner) "It's the middle of the night."
• (James Spader) "Just get up."
• (William Shatner) "I'm not gonna get up."
• (James Spader) "Dammit. Get up."
• (James Spader) "Happy?"
• (William Shatner) "This isn't working for me."

• (William Shatner) "dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Muli-talented."

• (Judge Sean O'Byrne) "I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment."
• (William Shatner) "Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis."

• (William Shatner) "You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.""

• (Gil Furnald) "I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on, it just feels right sometimes."
• (William Shatner) "So basically you're a sicko."
• (Gil Furnald) "I'm not sick."
• (William Shatner) "Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?"
• (Gil Furnald) "My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay."
• (William Shatner) "Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that."

• (William Shatner) "I don't know whether you know this but not many men take the time, every day, to have a cigar, glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have."
• (James Spader) "No it isn't."
• (William Shatner) "What I give to you, what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and that man. That you got something you didn't get from me."
• (James Spader) "I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I'm not going to kiss you however."

• (William Shatner) "He's mocking me -- Dad, he's mocking me."
• (William Shatner) "You're a Crane. Get used to it."

• (William Shatner) "Massachusetts is a blue state. God has no place here."

• (William Shatner) "Denny Crane --"

• (William Shatner) "Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic."
• (James Spader) "I'm stunned."

• (Gracie Jane) "Gracie Jane."
• (William Shatner) "Denny Crane."
• (Gracie Jane) "Gracie Jane."
• (William Shatner) "Are you making fun of me?"

• (William Shatner) "Did something happen? Was I in the room when it happened?"

Candice Bergen as Shirley Schmidt

• (Candice Bergen) "He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially."
• (Monica Potter) "I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office."
• (Candice Bergen) "You little bitch."

• (Candice Bergen) "My god, he got a bigger gavel."

• (Candice Bergen) "Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him."
• (William Shatner) "Did you just say don't make me the story?"

Lake Bell as Sally Heep

• (Lake Bell) "Is that fair?"
• (James Spader) "I don't understand the question."

Monica Potter as Lori Colson

• (Monica Potter) "Hi. I'm Lori Colson; we haven't officially met."
• (Catherine Piper) "Hello, dear. Catherine Piper."
• (Monica Potter) "For the future -- I don't really appreciate comments about my hair."
• (Catherine Piper) "Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows."

René Auberjonois as Paul Lewiston

• (Catherine Piper) "Cookies, everyone. Nourishment is most important in the morning."
• (René Auberjonois) "Who is this woman?"
• (Catherine Piper) "Take two, Tara, you're a rail."
• (René Auberjonois) "Who is this woman?"
• (Catherine Piper) "The ones on the left have a little bran to help our older lawyers with their routine."
• (René Auberjonois) "Who is this woman?"
• (Catherine Piper) "I'm Catherine Piper. I'm Alan's new assistant. My, don't you have an interesting face."
• (René Auberjonois) "We are in the middle of a staff meeting."
• (Catherine Piper) "No need to be snippy, dear. Especially since I come bearing treats. You never get a second chance to make a first impression."
• (Catherine Piper) "You certainly made one -- with all that bleach."
• (René Auberjonois) "Ma'am, you will have to leave."
• (Catherine Piper) "I'm beginning to not like you."

Mark Valley as Brad Chase

• (Mark Valley) "I outrank you."
• (James Spader) "And I'm such a slut for authority."

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