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Calendar Girls Quotes

Calendar Girls is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Calendar Girls stopped airing in 1970.

It features Nick Barton as producer, Patrick Doyle in charge of musical score, and Ashley Rowe as head of cinematography.

Calendar Girls is recorded in English language and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Calendar Girls is 108 minutes long. Calendar Girls is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Helen Mirren as Chris, Philip Glenister as Lawrence Sertain, Geraldine James as Marie, Linda Bassett as Cora, Celia Imrie as Celia, Ciarán Hinds as Rod, Annette Crosbie as Jessie, George Costigan as Eddie Reynoldson, John Alderton as John, Helen Mirren as Richard, John-Paul Macleod as Jem Harper, and Helen Mirren as Chris Harper.

Calendar Girls Quotes

Helen Mirren as Chris Harper

  • (Helen Mirren) "You cannot stand it. You cannot stand that I have made this calendar a success."
  • (Annie) "No. You see, what's happened Chris is that this calendar has made you a success."
  • (Helen Mirren) "You're nude in The Telegraph, dear. Can you pass the bacon?"
  • (Annie) "Your son's been arrested."
  • (Helen Mirren) "And released with 10g of oregano. The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I'm not a total dead loss as a woman, I may not be able to knit or make plum jam but I can bake a bloody Victoria sponge -- 'course I didn't bake this one, I got it at Marks and Spencer."
  • (Helen Mirren) "You missed it. We were just on television, the whole reason we came here."
  • (Annie) "I thought that was to get away from the press."
  • (Helen Mirren) "How's Jem?"
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "He made a quiche on Tuesday. We've been stoned ever since."
  • (Helen Mirren) "And seeing Marie's raised the issue, we're a good few months short."
  • (Geraldine James) "Is that not because all this has the air of another of Chris's great ideas? Like the vodka tasting night?"
  • (Helen Mirren) "No, because I'm going to make sure this one turns out ok Marie, because it's for John. It's inspired by John and it's for John and it's because of John and no matter what you might think of the idea Marie, you're looking at January."
  • (Bookshop Owner) "The WI calendar? No love."
  • (Helen Mirren) "But I definitely sent you some. See? Minstergate Bookshop, 50."
  • (Bookshop Owner) "I know. And I got 'em. I put 'em out at nine o'clock and by ten past nine, we'd sold out."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Are you throwing my cake? That is disrespectful."
  • (John Alderton) "It's very good."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Course it's good. They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly you know."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Now. Can anybody see my nipples?"
  • (Helen Mirren) "It should be bloody George Clooney. I mean, come the toss between Burnsall Church and George Clooney, I know which I'd rather wake up looking at."
  • (John Alderton) "It is a Norman church, you know."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church, John. It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about."
  • (Helen Mirren) "So, what kind is it he's got?"
  • (Annie Clarke) "He says he's going to call it Saddam Hussein."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Did you talk to the specialist? John seems a lot chirpier today. What's the old --"
  • (Annie) "Pneumonia and septicaemia."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Oh well that's good, I've heard of those. They can deal with those can't they?"
  • (Annie) "It means his immune system's weakened. The chemo isn't working which means we are finally out of straws."
  • (Annie) "If we can't use the name WI then we just don't use it."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Then, what? We'll have a calendar of some middle aged women mysteriously standing naked behind fruit cakes."
  • (Helen Mirren) "We thought if glamour photographers can do it on a beach in Bangkok we can do it in a church hall near Skipton."
  • (Student Photographer) "The blood represents the spread of globalisation and the sheep's skull represents the death of democracy."
  • (Helen Mirren) "And the carrot?"
  • (Student Photographer) "The carrot is capitalism."
  • (Helen Mirren) "T minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strap marks."
  • (Celia Imrie) "As we speak darling, as we speak."
  • (Annie) "Bad girl."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Bun toucher."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I'm not asking you to straddle an 'Arley Davidson."
  • (Helen Mirren) "This isn't bakery. It's Zulu."
  • (Annie) "None of us have been here before, love. I mean, for God's sake, my John didn't see me naked until the spring of 1975."
  • (Helen Mirren) "What happened in the spring of '75?"
  • (Annie) "There was a lizard in the shower block at Abergele."
  • (Annie) "Quite a few people saw me naked that morning."
  • (W.I. Judge) "And the winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy for Victoria Sponge maximum twelve inch diameter I'm delighted to say is entry number 213."
  • (Annie) "Nice knowing you, Chris."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Help me."
  • (Ruth) "Well that's interesting."
  • (W.I. Judge) "entered by Knapely WI and baked by Chris Harper."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I'm about to commit heresy. Look, I hate plum jam."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I only joined the WI to make my mother happy. I do, I hate plum jam. I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge. In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would actually come to Skipton to do a talk on what it was like to be in "ER", there seems very little reason for me to actually stay in the WI. Except suddenly -- suddenly I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved, and to do that I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a WI calendar, and if you can't give us ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman, well then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it without council approval. Because there are some things that are more important than council approval. And if it means that we get closer to killing off this s***ty, cheating, sly, conniving bloody disease that cancer is, oh God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy on me head and singing "Jerusalem"."
  • (Ted the Bike Man) "You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?"
  • (Helen Mirren) "He does a paper round. It pays for his elocution lessons."
  • (Brenda Mooney) "We don't do nudity. But we do do charity. I assume that this is a local fundraiser and you're not going to be making a big hoo-ha out of it?"
  • (Helen Mirren) "Yes."
  • (Brenda Mooney) "Then it is a branch matter, and I can leave any decision in the hands of your branch president."
  • (Geraldine James) "Oh sod it go on then."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Good Lord. Nagging lilies."
  • (Helen Mirren) "You should've told us. I'm your oldest friend, you should've told me the moment you found out."
  • (Annie) "I did."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I've put our names down for speakers next month: "Chris and Annie: What we learned in 'Ollywood"."
  • (Annie) "You're lying. I know for a fact that Colin Petley's coming from Keighley with his collection of tea towels."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Be still my beating heart."

Celia Imrie as Celia

  • (Celia Imrie) "Oh, get bloody Botticelli in here."
  • (Celia Imrie) "It's the whole showing your breasts issues that concerns me."
  • (Annie) "The point is that we won't really be showing anything."
  • (Celia Imrie) "Yes, that's what concerns me."
  • (Annie) "Yours are good, are they?"
  • (Celia Imrie) "They're tremendous."
  • (Celia Imrie) ""I am currently in the high security wing of Her Majesty's Prison Barlinnie in Scotland and was mightily impressed by the sheer size of your-""

Geraldine James as Marie

  • (Geraldine James) "Naked."
  • (Linda Bassett) "It's not naked. It's nude."
  • (Geraldine James) "What's the difference?"
  • (Celia Imrie) "Art."
  • (Geraldine James) "She's here to introduce us to the fascinating world of rugs"
  • (Geraldine James) "My apologies Iris, I stand corrected, it's not just rugs, it is in fact all forms of carpeting."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Oh, thank God. For a moment I thought it was going to be dull."
  • (Geraldine James) "It says here in this letter from Leukaemia Research Fund that the calendar has so far raised a total of £286,000. So congratulations to all of us for making it such a success."
  • (Annie) "We can get that sofa in the leather then."
  • (Geraldine James) "Victoria Sponge. Annie's on Victoria sponge."
  • (Ruth) "What's that?"
  • (Helen Mirren) "Well, Annie won't have had time running Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General, so ta da."
  • (Annie) "Sorry I'm late. It just took a bit longer than -- Oh my God, the cake."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Told you."
  • (Geraldine James) "Might I just say, I never knew broccoli could be so intriguing."
  • (Geraldine James) "I'd like to welcome Alan Rathbone from York. He's here to tell us about the history of the milk marketing board."
  • (Geraldine James) "It's not all jam and Jerusalem you know."
  • (Geraldine James) "The next item on the agenda is the calendar. Last year we had views of local bridges, so this year I thought we could go for the twelve most beautiful views of --"
  • (Helen Mirren) "-- George Clooney"
  • (Geraldine James) "-- the churches of Wharfedale."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Eleven fully-clothed and a little "lift the flap" for December."

John Alderton as John

  • (John Alderton) "One seed in each pot, you're bloody useless you are."
  • (John Alderton) "Tell you what. If you want me to speak at the WI you'd better get it in quick."
  • (John Alderton) "I'll model for you for nowt."
  • (Helen Mirren) "No thanks John. I've just seen your backside and believe me, it's nothing like George's."

Philip Glenister as Lawrence Sertain

  • (Philip Glenister) "Don't. Touch. The buns."
  • (Philip Glenister) "Please. Sorry."

Annette Crosbie as Jessie

  • (Annette Crosbie) "What we must ask ourselves is this: what is the difference between this and the Venus de Milo?"
  • (Celia Imrie) "Oh, I love quizzes. The cooker?"
  • (Annette Crosbie) "One moment the dressing gown was on, the next it was just me and the hat."
  • (Check-In Stewardess) "I'm sorry ladies, but I'm afraid you've come to the wrong desk."
  • (Annette Crosbie) "I have asked four people. Each of them has said we could check in for a flight to Los Angeles at any desk. We have queued for twenty minutes in the only queue and were directed to your desk by your representative. Where precisely have we gone wrong?"
  • (Annette Crosbie) "Come on, Sugden, it's your own time you're wasting."
  • (Annette Crosbie) "I was his junior school teacher."
  • (Annette Crosbie) "Hello dear. I thought I'd bring my journalists to meet your journalists."

Ciarán Hinds as Rod

  • (Ciarán Hinds) "I can't find the order form."
  • (Helen Mirren) "It's under the tin can where the bent nail used to be."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "They're not charging him."
  • (Annie) "Why? Is it not illegal then?"
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "Well, cannabis is, but they tend not to worry too much about oregano."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "They'll never go through with it."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "Now get in that hall and sort out whatever went wrong with Annie."
  • (Helen Mirren) "I don't know what to say to her."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "She's your oldest friend, Chris, you don't have to say anything."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "Where are you?"
  • (Helen Mirren) "You'll never guess where I've been all day."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "I know it's not Mrs Carter's bloody funeral."
  • (Helen Mirren) "f***."
  • (Ciarán Hinds) "I thought after your marvellous reorganisation all the order forms had to go on the bent nail."

George Costigan as Eddie Reynoldson

  • (George Costigan) "You are looking lovely --"
  • (Ruth) "Which one of us are you talking to, Eddie? The one who makes a tart of herself by taking her clothes off or me?"
  • (George Costigan) "They're not a scintillating lot, carpet dealers. They only get excited about bonded underlay."

Linda Bassett as Cora

  • (Ruth) "Well, I think it's a great idea."
  • (Linda Bassett) "You weren't concentrating, were you Ruth?"
  • (Ruth) "I was. We're going to raise money to buy a sofa for the hospital in John's name."
  • (Celia Imrie) "By posing for a nude calendar."
  • (Ruth) "Oh no."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Oh sit down. I'm not asking you to straddle an 'Arley Davidson."
  • (Celia Imrie) "It's still a bit of a leap from Burnsall church, love."
  • (Helen Mirren) "That's the 'ole point. It's an alternative calendar, it's --"
  • (Annie) "It's what John suggested."
  • (Helen Mirren) "Did he?"
  • (Annie) "The last stage of the flower is the most glorious. So what this calendar would be saying is "actually, yes John, we agree"."
  • (Ruth) "With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase "whip your bras off""
  • (Linda Bassett) "Annie, I am 55 years old. If I'm not gonna get them out now, when am I?"
  • (Linda Bassett) "There's no E flat in Jerusalem."
  • (Annie) "I'll be a bit disappointed if they're looking at me fingers."
  • (Linda Bassett) "s*** or bust."

John-Paul Macleod as Jem Harper

  • (John-Paul Macleod) "Gaz. Can you stop talking about tits."
  • (Gaz) "Why would I ever wanna do that?"
  • (Gaz) "It's a difficult age. About now, women go through a difficult age. They become all irrational and odd and difficult to predict."
  • (John-Paul Macleod) "How do you know?"
  • (Gaz) "Me dad told me."

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