Chappelle's Show Quotes

Chappelle's Show is a TV show that first aired in 2003 on Comedy Central. Chappelle's Show ended in 2006.

Chappelle's Show lasted 3 seasons and 28 episodes. Chappelle's Show is created by Dave Chappelle.

Chappelle's Show is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Chappelle's Show is 22 minutes long. Chappelle's Show is produced by Pilot Boy Productions and distributed by CBS Television Distribution.

Chappelle's Show Quotes

• (Real Rick James) "Could you imagine two grown men doing this? Cocaine's a hell of a drug."

• (Tiger Woods) "I always wanted to say this -- fa-shizzle."

• (Rick James) "That was 'cold-blooded'."

• (Dave Chappelle) "I'm Dave Chappelle, and I like internet porn."

• (P. Diddy) "All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance."

• (Man In Truck) "I'M RICH BIATCH."

• (Grits 'n Gravy) "When I leave, close together like butt cheeks."

• (Big Al) "Kiss the rings, bitch. I'm out."

• (Silky Johnston) "I'm very upset about what you said about my coat. I made it outta your mother's pubic hair."

• (Charlie Murphy) "Things like escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familiar and I ended up having to whip his ass man, you know, cause you know, he would step across the line. Habitually. He's a habitual line stepper."

• (Arsenio Hall) "This is some good ass cheese."

• (Charlie Murphy) "Well, I gotta admit -- Um -- It was a good game."
• (Prince) "I wish I could say the same for you and your crew of flunkies. You guys want some grapes? -- Bitches."

• (Tron) "America wanna see me live, not work. Look at this America, look at how Tron is livin' in the city."

• (Charlie Murphy) "Eddie and everybody else thought that that was the funniest s***. And that threw me in a weird space cause I'm like, "Yo, this is Rick James and he's a star. Maybe I'm overreacting." I actually went there like, "Maybe I shouldn't do nothing." But my ghetto side was going, "Yo, stomp this motherf***er out right here. What the f*** is wrong with him?""

• (Tyree) "Man, can you hold it down? I'm tryin' to make love over here."

• (Prosecutor) "So, you don't think Michael Jackson is guilty?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "No, man. He made "Thriller"."
• (Dave Chappelle) "Thriller."

• (Wayne Brady) "You'd better thank Dave Chappelle. Go ahead, thank him."
• (Unnamed) "Thank you, Dave. I like your show."
• (Dave Chappelle) "RUN BITCH. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GET SOME HELP."

• (Charlie Murphy) "We can call it the shirts vs the blouses."
• (Charlie Murphy) "I don't know what he was crying about. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasn't in the men's department"

• (Earl "The Snake" White) "Some mark ass trick just stepped on my sneaker, and poured Morton's salt all over 'em. Are ya'll ready to ride? RABBLE RABBLE. Lets ride on these fools at their own bar-b-que."

• (Ice T) "The nominees are -- Buck Nasty. Buck Nasty is nominated for getting his best friend's girlfriend pregnant, then tricking his best friend into raising the little motherf***er. The next nominee is -- Pit Bull. Pit Bull is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbors, not because it was the right thing to do, but just 'cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'. And the final nominee is -- Silky Johnston. Silky Johnston is nominated for calling in a bomb threat at the Special Olympics."

• (Unnamed) "Negrodamus, will Arsenio Hall ever have a show again?"
• (Negrodamus) "Yes. Arsenio Hall will have a new show called "Good Morning, Black America". It will be played at noon throughout the country."

• (Unnamed) "What the f*** is up with the rainbow? I'm not feelin' the rainbow."
• (Mario Cantone) "I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly."

• (Darius' Grandma) "Darius, you big dummy -- This ain't no show and tell -- Take a walk."
• (Old Man) "Yeah, and get some rubbers."
• (Darius' Grandma) "Get the big ones."
• (Old Man) "f***ing right."

• (Beautiful) "He looks like a broke-ass Ice-T."

• (Silky Johnston) "I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you."

• (Rick James) "Bitches. Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties."
• (Rick James) "The milks gone bad."

• (Silky Johnston) "What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "-- and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack."

• (Neal Brennan) "What happened next after the game?"
• (Charlie Murphy) "He took us back inside and made us pancakes."
• (Charlie Murphy) "Pancakes."
• (Prince) "Nice game, bitches."

• (Wayne Brady) "Dave, I did't know that you liked to get wet"
• (Wayne Brady) "That's PCP, angel dust, Sherman Helmsley, love boat, ashy larry."

• (Dave Chappelle) "It's not HBO. It's regular ass TV."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "You know, Joe Rogan, this is not the first time I've tasted penis. I've had several. In my line of work, you taste penises all the time."

• (Unnamed) "Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but you've done a lot of good for the community."
• (Tron) "I know. When it's Thanksgiving, I be passin' around turkeys like Nino Brown, baby."
• (Unnamed) "Of course."
• (Tron) "But may I ask you gentleman, when I'm acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?"
• (Unnamed) "Ab-sol-ute-ly not."
• (Tron) "Oh, yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad."

• (President Black Bush) "Write this down. M.A.R.S. That's right. Mars, bitches."

• (Silky Johnston) "He looks like Malcolm X before he converted to Islam."

• (Buck Nasty) "Man, you should take that cane, and beat whoever made that suit to death."

• (Prosecutor) "What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michael's penis to investigators?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis, but I bet you that I can describe it all right? Let me guess -- there's a head, a shaft, some balls, hair; maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it."
• (Prosecutor) "That's correct."
• (Dave Chappelle) "Whoa -- how'd I know? Come on dude, I couldn't pick my own penis out of a line up, all right? And me and penis is like this, son."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?"
• (Rhonda) "'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack."
• (Tyrone Biggums) "That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you."

• (Tiger Woods) "So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad."

• (Unnamed) "Are you aware that Robert Blake has been accused of murdering his wife?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Oh yeah. Baretta did that s***."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Well, kids, Dingles isn't feeling very well, so I'm taking him to the doctor."
• (Unnamed) "What's wrong, Dingles?"
• (Dingles) "I have what's known as a "venereal disease.""
• (Unnamed) "How did you get that, Dingles?"
• (Dingles) "From f***in'."

• (Rick James) "I'm Rick James, bitch."

• (Rick James) "DRINK UP, BE MERRY. Welcome to the China Club; A-CHUNGA-CHUNG-KUNG-A-CHINGA-KUNG-KAW-CHING."

• (Tron) "Hot hand in a dice game, baby. Talkin' 'bout clickity-clickity-clack."

• (Unnamed) "What about people who say you're only interested in the Middle East for oil?"
• (President Black Bush) "What? Huh? Oil? Who said somethin' bout oil, bitch. You cookin? Oil? Man, I don't know what --"
• (President Black Bush) "Come on, y'all. Get out of here."

• (Wayne Brady) "RIVERSIDE, MOTHA f***A."

• (Charlie Murphy) "Hey man. Wheres Dave?"
• (Neal Brennan) "Africa."
• (Donnell Rawlings) "Africa?"
• (Neal Brennan) "Yep."
• (Donnell Rawlings) "Oh no. I'm broke biotch."

• (Tron) "There are. I say there are so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaa. I can only choose one. I can only choose ooooooone. I plead the fif. I plead the fif. FIVE. 1,2,3,4, fiiiif. Anything you say. FIIIF. Go ahead and ask me a question."
• (Unnamed) "How do --"
• (Tron) "Fif. I like to show all of you a secret document."
• (Tron) "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiif."

• (Real Rick James) "I must be losin' my mind. Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kickin' my ass. Ain't that a b."

• (Rick James) "Darkness. Come closer, I wanna see more than just eyes and teeth."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "Harold, is anthrax bad?"

• (Black Gallagher) "Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, and Orange Stars; that leprechauns' on acid."

• (Rick James) "I'm Rick James, bitch. Enjoy yourself."

• (Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau) "I would just like to say that this counsil will have zero tolerance for any sexual deviency regarding our Jedi knights."
• (Unnamed) "Mace, do you feel that the Jedi's that have commited this crime deserve to die?"
• (Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau) "Yes, they deserve to die. And I hope they burn in hell."

• (Ron Jeremy) "Are you sure you don't wanna see me have sex? I do a great doggy style."
• (Dave Chappelle) "Yeah, I know, Ron. I got my stroke from you. Thank you, Obi-Wan."

• (Rick James) "I'm one of the baddest motherf***ers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherf***ers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch."

• (Arsenio Hall) "Why didn't you tell me how good the cheese was?"

• (Dave Chappelle) "Skeet Skeet Skeet."

• (Prince) "Game -- blouses."

• (President Black Bush) "I didn't want to say this. The motherf***er bought yellow cake. All right. From Africa. He went to Africa and bought some yellow cake."
• (Unnamed) "Are you sure?"
• (President Black Bush) "Yes. I'm sure, bitch."

• (Paul Mooney) "White people like Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it."

• (P. Diddy) "All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant."

• (Charlie Murphy) "That cat could ball, man."

• (Unnamed) "Negrodamus, why do white people like Wayne Brady so much?"
• (Negrodamus) "White people like Wayne Brady because he makes Brian Gumbel look like Malcolm X."

• (P. Diddy) "If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all f***ing day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time."

• (Charlie Murphy) "I mean, you know where you got that shirt. And it damn sure wasn't the men's department."

• (Robert Petkoff) "The blacks have won the coin toss, so they get to go first."
• (Dave Chappelle) "Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time."
• (Bill Burr) "Yes, and they'll probably still complain. Ha-ha-ha-ha."
• (Dave Chappelle) "heh heh; man, f*** you."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Look, man, look. Michael Jackson has many faces; none of them look guilty to me. You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses."
• (Prosecutor) "He's been accused of this more than once."
• (Dave Chappelle) "So? Some people say that cucumbers taste better pickled."
• (Prosecutor) "What?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Huh?"
• (Prosecutor) "What?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Huh?"

• (Silky Johnson) "I like the girl's song "Papa Don't Preach". I got a new song for ya, bitch. It's called "Daughter Don't Sang"."

• (Unnamed) "So, what do you plan to spend your money on."
• (Tron) "I'm going to re-invest it in the community."
• (Unnamed) "Well, that's --"
• (Tron) "Psyche. I'm gonna spend it before y'all honkies change yo minds."

• (Silky Johnson) "We are the Time-Haters. We've traveled back in time -- to call ya a cracker."

• (Unnamed) "Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?"
• (Negrodamus) "Because he has the receipt."

• (Rick James) "CHARLIE MURPHY. What's happening, partner. DARKNESS, EVERYONE, DARKNESS. HEY EVERYBODY, DARKNESS IS SPREADING."

• (Leonard Washington) "You tha' god**** devil."

• (Charlie Murphy) "Challenge him, i-ight. Make sure your crew is there to witness it, cuz you just might get embarrassed."

• (Joe Rogan) "Tyrone, are you okay?"
• (Tyrone Biggums) "Hey, Joe Rogan, is it almost lunchtime 'cuz I smell somebody cookin'."
• (Joe Rogan) "You win, you beat Jeff's time. You advance to the next round."
• (Tyrone Biggums) "My feet are strong."

• (P. Diddy) "That's one hundred percent Cambodian, dawg."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah. My seed, son. Ha ha h aha. I'm rich, bitch. Ha ha ha."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "Crack, here I come."

• (Prosecutor) "You know, he's been accused of this before."
• (Dave Chappelle) "So? Some people say the cucumbers taste better pickled."
• (Prosecutor) "What?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Huh?"
• (Prosecutor) "What?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Huh?"

• (Dave Chappelle) "Steadman -- We're gonna get this bitch."
• (Dave Chappelle) "HAHAHAHAHA. OOPPRRAAHH."

• (Wayne Brady) "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"

• (Wayne Brady) "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"

• (Dave Chappelle) "There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony. You think I'm this nice in real life? f*** that, son. That's just 'cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now -- skeet skeet skeet skeet."

• (Silky Johnston) "Rosie O'Donnel. She wears underwear with dick holes."

• (Darius) "Granny, don't."
• (Darius' Grandma) "Well, hurry the hell up, Darius. Unlike you, I'm getting a little action tonight, you bunk bitch."

• (Tron) "Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight."

• (Leonard Washington) "Hey. What the hell you listening to?"
• (Unnamed) "It's the new 50 Cent. Man, I'm from the streets. G-G-G G-G-G G-Unit."
• (Leonard Washington) "Come on -- get in the car. G-G-G G-G-G Get your ass in the car."

• (Tron) "Katie has some big ass tit-tays."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Man. f*** that frog."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Tell your little friends, that dreams really do come true. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital and whooped your monkey ass at some "Street Hoops"."

• (Dave Chappelle) "-- Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes."

• (Charlie Murphy) "I knew what hotel he was stayin' at. I told my boys I'd catch up with them later. So I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room --"
• (Rick James) "So then -- he comes in there and I says, "Listen, bitch, I'm Rick James.""

• (Tron) "Hey, it's white boy, ok who ordered the pizza. Hey white boy find the square root of this room."

• (Leonard Washington) "My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town called None Of Your god**** Business."

• (Tyree) "My name is Tyree, and yeah, I went to prison."

• (Dave Chappelle) "You see, I think beer just brings out the animal in ya. Now, I know that beer companies sponsor the show; I ain't talking about them. Them s***s is delicious."

• (Leonard Washington) "Boy, you're drier than Kunta Kinte's ankles."

• (Chad) "Hi, I'm Chad, your new roommate."
• (Tyree) "Well, looky here, "Chad." For the entire period you in my room, I better not catch you standing up peeing. You sit down when you pee, you got that? Now get your fat ass on outta here."

• (Dave Chappelle) "I eat cottage cheese for dinner. That's right. With salt and pepper."

• (Chad) "Tyree, you stabbed my dad. And you had sex with Katie."
• (Tyree) "Hey man, you got that all wrong. I ain't had sex with Katie. Lysol had sex with Katie. I just filmed it."
• (Unnamed) "No, Tyree, you had sex with me too."
• (Tyree) "Correction: I had sex with Katie."

• (Slave Master) "You'd better watch your mouth."
• (Buck Nasty) "Yo, you'd better watch your's, white boy, before I shove these 'gators up your ass and show your insides some style."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Knock-knock --"
• (Unnamed) "Who's there?"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Some skits, biotch."

• (P. Diddy) "What are you doing, Ness? You just gonna do your taxes right now? Is that hot? Is that what's going down in the streets?"

• (Unnamed) "Was that you in that video?"
• (Yoda) "Yoda that was not."
• (Unnamed) "Then who was it?"
• (Yoda) "Mickey Rooney, maybe? OVER THIS INTERVIEW IS."

• (Ice T) "And the winner of playa-hater of the year is -- Silky John-ston."
• (Pit Bull) "Kiss my ass. Kiss my ass. I'm the biggest hater."

• (Unknown Soldier) "I could do with some sex."

• (Charlie Murphy) "But that showed me never judge a book by it's cover. Prince could really ball."

• (Wayne Brady) "I'm Wayne Brady, bitch."

• (Bill Burr) "You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass."

• (Dave Chappelle) "Who got the part? Chris Tucker? s***. Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother f***er can't even speak English."

• (Beautiful) "Hitler's momma got one big titty and one little titty. They call the bitch 'Biggie Smalls'."

• (Silky Johnson) "I like the song the girl sings, "Papa Don't Preach". I got a song for you too, Bitch. It's called, "Daughter Don't Sing"."

• (Phaze 2) "Yo, go in there and get me a Philly blunt son."
• (Tron) "And a banana Cognac, biotch."

• (President Black Bush) "England -- Japan's sending Playstations -- Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad -- Rickidy Raw is coming -- Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation."

• (Unnamed) "I battle any sex or any race / You beating me is like Billy Crystal playin Scarface / I can't see it, I'm blind to the eyes / I came up in your face; oops, pow, surprise. Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

• (Rick James) "I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down."

• (Clayton Bigsby) "Let's talk about Chinese people. With their kung-fu and their silly chang-chang-chong talk. We can't understand you. Go back to yer country. White power."

• (Gary Coleman) "Whats you talkin' 'bout bitch?"

• (Unnamed) "You got a nice car here man."
• (Dave Chappelle) "Thanks. How much will that be?"
• (Unnamed) "Oh, eight hundred seventy-three dollars."
• (Dave Chappelle) "But the sign only says five dollars."
• (Unnamed) "Thats the old price."
• (Dave Chappelle) "Whats you mean the old --"
• (Dave Chappelle) "Oh come on man."

• (Unnamed) "Sir, now that you've got your check do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck?"
• (Man In Truck) "Truck driver? I ain't no truck driver. I'm a janitor. That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash. I got cigarettes for me and my family the rest of our lives. I'M RICH, BIATCH."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "You know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells -- delicious."

• (Tyrone Biggums) "Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high."

• (Silky Johnston) "Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go put water in Buck Nasty's Mama's dish."

• (Charlie Murphy) "The first thing I seen is O.J. Simpson, and I remember thinking to myself 'wow, that's O.J. Simpson, he has a big f***ing head, man'"

• (Dave Chappelle) "f*** Nick Cannon. Dave Chappelle."
• (Unnamed) "He's 'ilarious."
• (Dave Chappelle) "You know what you're acting like a little bitch."

• (Charlie Murphy) "My brother, he's a lot more compassionate than I am, you know. We were looking at Rick getting in the limo, and as it drove off, Eddie says, "Man -- Rick really needs help". I was like, "Hey man, we just gave him some help. We busted his motha f***in' legs. I bet he won't come back and disrespect again." WRONG, WRONG -- We're talkin' bout Rick James, man."

• (Chad) "Be careful if you ever get a sleeper hold. The next day your anus will really hurt."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.