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Clerks II Quotes

Clerks II is a TV show that first aired in 1970 . Clerks II ended its run in 1970.

It features Scott Mosier as producer, James L. Venable in charge of musical score, and Dave Klein (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Clerks II is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Clerks II is 97 minutes long. Clerks II is distributed by The Weinstein Company.

The cast includes: Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves, Rosario Dawson as Becky, Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks, Trevor Fehrman as Elias, Jason Mewes as Jay, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith as Emma, Jason Lee as Lance Dowds, Zak Charles Knutson as Sexy Stud, and Ben Affleck as Gawking Guy.

Clerks II Quotes

Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves

  • (Jeff Anderson) "Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle f***er. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room naked, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants and shoved a pickle up his ass and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark, he had to take a bite of it, re-insert it, and walk again."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Ewwwwww --"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites."
  • (Jason Lee) "I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle f***er."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And you wonder why no chick will let you stick your cock in her."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I never wondered that."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "The best part of this job is all the barely legal p***** that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You're gonna be rolling in the p*****, man."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Don't be gross."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Says the guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with his mother."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Even the f***in' trees walked in those movies."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your D&D; GoBots bulls***."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2. Nauw."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I think I'm gonna kill you."
  • (Jason Mewes) "What up, steel cage match."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You ruined my life."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Your life was already ruined, get off of me."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "What were you thinking? A f***in' Donkey show?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "It was your going away present."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Sure was. I just never thought I'd be going away to prison."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "I miss my donkey."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I can't believe you."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I finally get my s*** together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so f***ed up. I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss."
  • (Jason Mewes) "You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Would you just shut up?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You know something? You're not even supposed to be here today."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yo, Freddy f***ing Mercury. Where's Kelly?"
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "Right here."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I thought that's the sexy stud."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "I'm the sexy stud."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "But this donkey is a dude."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "Kelly can be a guy's name too. Hey."
  • (Fireman) "What the f***?"
  • (Officer) "PORCH MONKEY?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, no no, it's cool, I'm taking it back."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've gotta wear, but I'll be damned if I let some self-righteous lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of f***ing porch monkeys."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "The Transformers were a total slight against God. In as much as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible f***ing cartoons, like the Transformers."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Why haven't you f***ed Myra yet?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What the f***'s Pillow Pants?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her p*****."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Pillow Pants is her p***** troll?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a p***** troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "-- Sure."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my -- thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And Myra told you this?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Have you and Myra even kissed yet?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Women."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi.""
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Oh, Star Wars geek."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, what the f*** happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you f***ing morons."
  • (Hobbit Lover) "You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?"
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My s***ty acting is ruining saga."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, I'm crazy? Those f***in' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a f***ing volcano."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Dude, the Transformers sucked."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Oh no they didn't, they're more than meets the eye."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Oh, my God."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Are you serious?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I don't f*** around when it comes to ass to mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You never go ass to mouth."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "It's never my idea."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Why because I enjoyed what I did? I got to watch movies f*** with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living? Yeah maybe it wasn't what everyone does but it was pretty f***ing good."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "May your first child be a masculine child."
  • (Counter Girl with Ear Guy) "You f***in' freak."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I'm not even gonna point out the irony, here."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house cause you're all Christian and s***."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous. Because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Transformers are a TOTAL slight against God. Inasmuch as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible f***ing cartoons like the Transformers."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "We have cleaning products?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You can't get a chick, ya mook. You're too weird and sad."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I turn down chicks left and right."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Your chicks are your left and right."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I know you've given a blowjob, right?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "I haven't even put my purse down, yet."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "That's a yes."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And I know you've gone down on chicks."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "What's your point?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "That's an Elias job."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Zing."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Shut the f*** up, GoBot."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You never go ass to mouth."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Would you grow up?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "How the f*** do you always have like two good-looking girls who want you? You're the most hideous f***ing chud I've ever met, and you always have a pair of girls fighting over you."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "The best part of this job is all the barely legal p***** that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You're thirty-three."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Oh -- My -- God."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Are you serious?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I don't f*** around when it comes to ass-to-mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You never go ass-to-mouth."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You sound like my Mom."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "You never go ass-to-mouth."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You've never gone ass-to-mouth."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You never go ass-to-mouth."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "I've never gone ass to mouth."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Not even once?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Not even ever."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You're both so repressive."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "I haven't even put my purse down yet."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "That's a yes."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And I know you've gone down on chicks."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "What's your point?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Man, you must love this f***ing guy, 'cause he's the biggest p***** I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the f***ing insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about, and even Anne f***ing Frank could see she's nuts about him too. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous f***ing chud of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd f***ing stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you f***ing ass."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "How the f*** did you father a child with a chick that's not your fiancé? Holy s***, she got pregnant off the toilet seat you jerked off onto. I f***ing knew it."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias. Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Oh, God, no."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, God, yes."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, f***ed-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself. That's what I'd do. That's what we should do."
  • (Wife) "I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hatemonger."
  • (Husband) "I will. Baby, you can't taste racism."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What racism, "porch monkeys?""
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You guys would be willing to lend us some of that money, so we could reopen the stores?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Sure, on two conditions. One, we can hang out in front of the store any time we want and you can't call the cops. And two, you have to blow each other and we get to watch. Then, you have to go ass to mouth."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Alright, just the first condition."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Avert your eyes, ya' perv."
  • (Ben Affleck) "Not very hygienic. That's all I'm gonna tell you."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Here's the first movie."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And here's the second movie."
  • (Hobbit Lover) "He is way off, loser."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You ready for the third movie?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?"
  • (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) "You just had to tell him, didn't ya?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "It kinda came out one day."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "You became persona non-nookie to me the minute he started diddling your pooter."
  • (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) "So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl, I don't think of you in any way --"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, that was just wrong."
  • (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) "If you don't get the f*** out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Why would you wanna do something like that?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Alright, alright, I'm leaving."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "We were just killing time with those classes. One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the f*** were we training to be, Batmen?"

Rosario Dawson as Becky

  • (Rosario Dawson) "Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Heh. I knew it."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "While you guys were gone I had to wait on a guy I gave a blow-job to when I was in 9th grade."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah, I've waited on your brother before, too."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "I'm disgusted and repulsed and -- and I can't look away."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Hey, Twelve-Step."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Jay."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Lord?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Up here, jackass."
  • (Jason Mewes) "What the f*** are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that p***** first. Lemme find out."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "You still got your boombox?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Play something and turn it way up."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Something danceable."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "What customers?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it -- here. Here it comes."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Something a little less demonic, please?"
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Emma, I don't; I don't know what to say."
  • (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) "Take him, f***ing whore."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "f***, I had to take a f***in' order off a guy I blew after Junior Prom, once."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "You weren't the one that got mayo in your cooch."

Zak Charles Knutson as Sexy Stud

  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "So, where're we doin' this thing?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, right inside the restaurant."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "You're kidding."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Not spacious enough?"
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "No, it's plenty spacious, just kinda weird, isn't it?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Kinda weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "Hey, f***o, we like to call it inter-species erotica."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Intriguing."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "Oh, s***. Not again. Gotta finish."
  • (Zak Charles Knutson) "Ooh, cake."

Jason Mewes as Jay

  • (Jason Mewes) "Would you f*** me? -- I'd f*** me -- I'd f*** me hard --"
  • (Jason Mewes) "This tastes like piss and flies, doesn't it?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Oh, we totally do."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Thanks, Pickle f***er."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Yo, some pickle f***er gave us free eats."
  • (Jason Mewes) "I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news, congrats."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Get the f*** outta here."
  • (Jason Mewes) "That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Quick, hit that two-timing f*** with this."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Hey, you wanna go out some time?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "What kinda sick f*** gets turned on watching a guy f*** a donkey?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and s***. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and s***. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah. Like, be the first motherf***er to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform -- and f*** it. And people'd be like, "There he goes. Homeboy f***ed a Martian once.""
  • (Jason Mewes) "Yo, you guys are gonna miss this s***. The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass. With his wiener."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Hold that thought."
  • (Teen #2) "Is that a f***ing Bible?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Hey hey, the HOLY f***ing Bible, son."

Trevor Fehrman as Elias

  • (Hobbit Lover) "Hey man."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?"
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Yeah um, let's see -- Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) ""One ring to rule them all.""
  • (Hobbit Lover) ""One ring to find them.""
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh Jesus."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) ""One ring to bring them all.""
  • (Hobbit Lover) ""And in the darkness bind them.""
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Yes. How many times?"
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', four for 'Return'."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Five for return."
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Dude."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'."
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Oh, Star Wars geek."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, what the f*** happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you f***ing morons."
  • (Hobbit Lover) "You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?"
  • (Hobbit Lover) "Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My s***ty acting is ruining saga."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh I'm crazy? Those f***ing hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a f***ing volcano -- Here's the first movie --"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "-- And here's the second movie --"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "--"
  • (Hobbit Lover) "He is way off. Loser."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "-- You ready for the third movie?"
  • (Diner #1) "f***in' A."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Shyeah, the kind of chicks into swords and elves and s***, and I wouldn't f*** them with the Torch of Gondor."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Oh, you're so gross."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "One ring to rule them all."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Whoo. We's all gonna get drunk and get laid."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Oh my God, is Elias hammered?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "f*** Pillowpants. Honk if you love a lot of p*****."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Yo, we love p*****."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Well, at least you spelled cock right this time."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I don't think these look right."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Jesus. Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "It's not my fault you abandoned your post."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work. What's a machine gotta transform into some giant f***in' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I don't really want to hear this Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Late that night I awoke from my sleep."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Hearing. Unknown. Voices."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Laughing insane."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I don't think he's gonna jerk off."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I'm sorry, Jesus."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Randal --"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) ""One ring to rule them all.""
  • (Jeff Anderson) "And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I never wondered that."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I could get a chick if I wanted."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I turn down chicks left and right."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Your chicks are your "left" and "right.""
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Yeah right, what do you know?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Ahh, I know that you're a huge f***ing nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and s***, and I wouldn't f*** them with the torch of Gondor."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Oh, you're so gross."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "That's bestiality, Randal."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "At its finest, I hope."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Who would want to see something like that?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Me, Dante, you."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "I don't wanna see something like that. Why would you wanna see something like that?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Because it's f***ed up. And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Do they show pictures?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Really?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Ow."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Lemme borrow your cell phone."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Oh -- 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?"
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "In a non-gay way."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "As you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I know that, I wish I didn't."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Well, I mean, as you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I know that. I wish I didn't."
  • (Trevor Fehrman) "Oh, sick burn."

Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks

  • (Brian O'Halloran) "What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I love you, Becky."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "I'm pregnant, Dante."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I can't believe you. I finally get my s*** together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's f***ed up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss.""
  • (Jason Mewes) "You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Why do the Go-Karts help?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Like when?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "We're not that old."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You know, you can do something about that."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop. Yeah."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I mean, you already taught me how to dance at a wedding."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "We need to talk."
  • (Rosario Dawson) "Did you see the size of that cock?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "What? Where?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Here, on the prep station table."
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Ew, that's my prep table."

Jennifer Schwalbach Smith as Emma

  • (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) "Come outside with me, I've got a surprise for you."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "That's my surprise?"
  • (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) "No."

Jason Lee as Lance Dowds

  • (Jason Lee) "Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus, anybody else from our graduating class back there?"
  • (Jeff Anderson) "Well well well -- Pickle f***er."

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