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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Quotes

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is a Police procedural, Mystery, and Drama that appeared on TV in 2000 on CBS. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation ended its run in 2015.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation was on for 15 + Immortality (CSI) seasons and 337 episodes. It features John M. Keane, Kyle Kenneth Batter, and Jamie Shields as composer. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is executive produced by Anthony E. Zuiker, William Petersen, Jerry Bruckheimer, Ann Donahue, Kenneth Fink, Naren Shankar, and Danny Cannon. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is created by Anthony E. Zuiker.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is 40-64 minutes long. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and distributed by King World Productions, and CBS Television Distribution.

The cast includes: Eric Szmanda as Greg Sanders, Jorja Fox as Sara Sidle, Marg Helgenberger as Catherine Willows, Gary Dourdan as Warrick Brown, William Petersen as Gil Grissom, George Eads as Nick Stokes, Paul Guilfoyle as Captain Jim Brass, Robert David Hall as Dr. Al Robbins, David Berman as David Phillips, Wallace Langham as Hodges, and William Petersen as Grissom.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Quotes

Jorja Fox as Sara Sidle

  • (Jorja Fox) "You made my pickle into a light bulb?"
  • (Jorja Fox) "So what is it?"
  • (Wallace Langham) "Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker."
  • (Jorja Fox) "Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude."
  • (Wallace Langham) "I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?"
  • (Jorja Fox) "No."
  • (Jorja Fox) "Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder --"
  • (William Petersen) "Priceless."
  • (Jorja Fox) "You weren't in your office."
  • (William Petersen) "And good morning to you too, Miss Sidle."
  • (Jorja Fox) "You know that's seven years bad luck."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "More like seven to ten."
  • (Jorja Fox) "Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?"
  • (Jorja Fox) "Dead body. Bonus."
  • (Jorja Fox) "Technically, that makes you a cannibal. Grissom would be proud."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Grissom would have tasted it on purpose."

Robert David Hall as Dr. Al Robbins

  • (Robert David Hall) "Hand me that foot, would you?"
  • (Robert David Hall) "You want a breast or a thigh?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "It's your kitchen."
  • (Robert David Hall) "He's been pretty worked over. How many teeth did you find at the crime scene?"
  • (William Petersen) "Two."
  • (Robert David Hall) "He's missing six."
  • (Robert David Hall) "Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room."
  • (Robert David Hall) "I'll know more later."
  • (William Petersen) "You always tell me that."
  • (Robert David Hall) "Yes, I do."

Paul Guilfoyle as Captain Jim Brass

  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "Newsflash. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "What are you doing after work?"
  • (William Petersen) "More work."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "Hey, look what I found: a knife with blood on it."
  • (William Petersen) "Hey, look what I found: dead guy."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "What can't you put your finger on, apart from the cut off switch?"
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "Let me put it this way; I'd want them investigating my murder."

William Petersen as Grissom

  • (William Petersen) "I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts."
  • (Paul Guilfoyle) "Sound familiar?"
  • (William Petersen) "Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who go into a bar?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "I'm not in the mood."
  • (William Petersen) "Neither was the monkey."
  • (William Petersen) "Maestro, what's the deal with our floater?"
  • (William Petersen) "Professor. What's up with our floater?"
  • (William Petersen) "You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college."
  • (William Petersen) "Ok, we're going off the board tonight."
  • (Jorja Fox) "Off the board?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Fish. The ones that got away."
  • (Jorja Fox) "Oh. I missed that one."
  • (William Petersen) "So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Weird, ha?"
  • (William Petersen) "Well, I race cockroaches."
  • (William Petersen) "Are we paying you by the word?"
  • (William Petersen) "What's it found in?"
  • (Wallace Langham) "Greg-Sanders-wear."
  • (William Petersen) "Where's your enthusiasm?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Whenever I find a match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large."
  • (William Petersen) "Out there means a pay cut."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "I'm not about the money."
  • (William Petersen) "Hey, Sanders, no punk rock."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "What about Black Flag?"
  • (William Petersen) "Are you nuts?"
  • (William Petersen) ""The evil men do always lives after them. The good is often interred with their bones.""
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Shakespeare?"
  • (William Petersen) "Julius Caesar."
  • (William Petersen) "The rich are just as depraved as the poor."
  • (William Petersen) "I tend not to believe people; they lie. The evidence never lies."
  • (William Petersen) "My bugs are my babies, my children."
  • (William Petersen) "I just got a page from James Watson."
  • (George Eads) "And I got one from Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Well, as you both know, Watson and Crick are the granddaddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day."
  • (George Eads) "What have you been doing all day?"
  • (William Petersen) "There is always a clue."
  • (William Petersen) "Sometimes I can be a little thoughtless."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "I wouldn't say that. Not just any guy would walk a girl to the morgue."
  • (William Petersen) "Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room."

George Eads as Nick Stokes

  • (George Eads) "There's a sucker born every minute."
  • (William Petersen) "Yeah, and they all come to Vegas."
  • (George Eads) "People are pigs."
  • (William Petersen) "Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean."
  • (George Eads) "I thought that's where you kept your porn."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "I move it around."
  • (George Eads) "Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Yeah?"
  • (George Eads) "Yeah, I had Greg run it."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "That's classic."
  • (George Eads) "Is there anything you won't bet on, man?"
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Nah."
  • (George Eads) "You need a girlfriend."
  • (Archie) "You first."
  • (George Eads) "Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?"
  • (Amy Hendler) "Yes."
  • (Amy Hendler) "That's what I killed her with."
  • (George Eads) "You don't have a career without a job."

Eric Szmanda as Greg Sanders

  • (Eric Szmanda) "I guess I should stop trying to impress you."
  • (William Petersen) "That would impress me."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Bringing back a semen sample -- I analyzed this and found your DNA."
  • (George Eads) "That was quick."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "No jokes about my being fast in this department."
  • (George Eads) "Hah."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "For the record, I really like having a penis."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "I, am a genius."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "No."
  • (William Petersen) "You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "No."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "No."
  • (Unnamed) "You know how it is, you look like you were a jock in college."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Me?"
  • (Jorja Fox) "Him?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "I had it all; palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "I had to send this to an outside lab since we're not equipped to carry out bacterial DNA analysis. Hint, hint."

Marg Helgenberger as Catherine Willows

  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Lovers and co-workers, that never works."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "How old were you when your father died?"
  • (William Petersen) "Nine."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Little guy."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Hey, look at that. Your six-legged soul mate."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "What's up, David? You find something?"
  • (David Berman) "I was just thinking that I wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "What would you do without me?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Whatever you say, Superfly."
  • (Suspect) "I have THIS guy keeping me at home."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Ahhh, did you get that picture from your wallet? I mean, when you bought it?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "So, any luck with the blood and hair samples I gave you?"
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Don't insult me. Luck is only for those without skill."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot."
  • (Eric Szmanda) "Sad, but true."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?"
  • (William Petersen) "Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "My goals -- all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life."
  • (William Petersen) "You don't have a personal life?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Write this down: I haven't had sex in six; no, seven months."
  • (William Petersen) "How can I help?"
  • (William Petersen) "You. Advance, I mean."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "You know how you're always pushing that holy trinity stuff?"
  • (William Petersen) "Father, Son and Holy Ghost?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Victim, suspect, crime scene."
  • (William Petersen) "That one, huh?"
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "What kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?"
  • (William Petersen) "I'm not a pervert."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Hey, you."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Hey."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "How uh -- are you holding up?"
  • (Gary Dourdan) "I'm fine."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "You sure?"
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Yeah."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "-- you're in the women's bathroom."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "Never doubt. Never look back. That's how I live my life."
  • (William Petersen) "I admire that."
  • (Marg Helgenberger) "The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just -- kinda -- sucks."

Gary Dourdan as Warrick Brown

  • (Gary Dourdan) "Who brings a gun to a knife fight?"
  • (William Petersen) "The winner?"
  • (Gary Dourdan) "You just don't let up, do you?"
  • (Jorja Fox) "It's a flaw."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Was that a confession?"
  • (William Petersen) "I think a plea of insanity."
  • (Gary Dourdan) "Did you take your medication today?"

Wallace Langham as Hodges

  • (Wallace Langham) ""Thank you Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree.""
  • (Wallace Langham) "I didn't page you."
  • (George Eads) "No. I just figured I'd come by."
  • (Wallace Langham) "You're checking up on me again."
  • (George Eads) "No, I'm checking up on my evidence."
  • (Wallace Langham) "Do you think if you hover the FTIR will work faster?"
  • (George Eads) "Yes, Hodges, that's what I think."

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