Dogma (film) Quotes

Dogma (film) is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Dogma stopped airing in 1970.

It features Scott Mosier as producer, Howard Shore in charge of musical score, and Robert D. Yeoman as head of cinematography.

Dogma (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Dogma (film) is 128 minutes long. Dogma (film) is distributed by Lions Gate Films.

The cast includes: Linda Fiorentino as Bethany, Alan Rickman as Metatron, Jason Mewes as Jay, Chris Rock as Rufus, Matt Damon as Loki, Ben Affleck as Bartleby, Salma Hayek as Serendipity, Jason Lee as Azrael, George Carlin as Cardinal Glick, Linda Fiorentino as Bethany Sloane, and Alanis Morissette as God.

Dogma (film) Quotes

Jason Mewes as Jay

• (Jason Mewes) "I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear."

• (Jason Mewes) "I get it. Holy Bartender. That's a great one."

• (Jason Mewes) "Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time."

• (Jason Mewes) "You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "I'll keep that in mind."

• (Jason Mewes) "That's what you get, Mother f***er."

• (Jason Mewes) "I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew."

• (Jason Mewes) "She's f***ing pissed, dude. She'll never f*** us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "NOBODY IS f***ING ME. YOU GOT THAT."

• (Jason Mewes) "I know they were just kids, but we kicked their f***en pube-less asses."

• (Jason Mewes) "I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that f***ed-up bar."

• (Jason Mewes) "Snootch to the motherf***in' nootch."

• (Jason Mewes) "What the s*** is that?"

• (Jason Mewes) "Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the f*** is this s***? Who the f*** are you, lady? Why the f*** did you hug my head?"
• (Alan Rickman) "Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?"
• (Jason Mewes) "What the f*** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?"
• (Alan Rickman) "I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes."
• (Jason Mewes) "What the f*** does that mean? Has everyone gone f***in' nuts? What the f*** happened to that guy's head? I want some --"

• (Jason Mewes) "Holy s***; you're a Jehovah's Witness. All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak. Let's go, Silent Bob."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "No. Wait --"
• (Jason Mewes) "I'll scream rape."

• (Jason Mewes) "Yo man, tell me something about me."
• (Chris Rock) "You masturbate more than anyone on the planet."
• (Jason Mewes) "Aw f***, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows."
• (Chris Rock) "When you do it, you're thinking about guys."
• (Jason Mewes) "Dude, not all the time."

• (Jason Mewes) "If we're not gonna f***, then what the f*** did you ask us out for?"

• (Jason Mewes) "Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck."

• (Jason Mewes) "You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me."

• (Jason Mewes) "What are you, some kind of f***ing chicken?"
• (Jason Lee) "No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID. I WAS INSPIRATION. A muse has no place in battle."
• (Salma Hayek) "So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons."
• (Salma Hayek) "Something he considers a GRAVE injustice."
• (Jason Lee) "Ah, come on. Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity."
• (Salma Hayek) "No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal. Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck."

• (Jason Mewes) "Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck f***s."

• (Jason Mewes) "Smoke that motherf***er like it aint no thang."

• (Jason Mewes) "Sonny, let me make a deal wit ya."

• (Jason Mewes) "Hahaha, Holy Bartender. I get it. That's a great one."

• (Jason Mewes) "His piece will be rubbing inside of your armor."

• (Jason Mewes) "Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented."

• (Jason Mewes) "Like I ever drove before --"

• (Jason Mewes) "Snoogans."

• (Jason Mewes) "So -- does that mean Bethany's -- part black?"

• (Jason Mewes) "Smoke that motherf***er like it ain't no thang."

• (Jason Mewes) "All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you f*** us then?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure."
• (Jason Mewes) "She's a slut. Bunnnng."

• (Jason Mewes) "You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? You ever see that flick?"
• (Chris Rock) "Aww man. That sucked."
• (Jason Mewes) "It's the living dead. Kill it. Kill it."
• (Chris Rock) "Con Air? Con s***."

• (Jason Mewes) "No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj."

• (Jason Mewes) "The whole f***ing world's against us, dude, I swear to God."

• (Jason Mewes) "What about sex?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "No sex."

Salma Hayek as Serendipity

• (Salma Hayek) "Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition."
• (Jason Mewes) "Hey. They're getting a free show. Let me see that s***."

• (Salma Hayek) "Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence."

• (Salma Hayek) "I have issues with anyone who treats G-d as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it."

• (Salma Hayek) "How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out."
• (Jason Lee) "Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning."

• (Salma Hayek) "When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up."

• (Salma Hayek) "Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks."

• (Salma Hayek) "I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Nineteen?"
• (Salma Hayek) "Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of s***."

Matt Damon as Loki

• (Matt Damon) "All lines are currently down."

• (Matt Damon) "He just lost it."

• (Nun) "Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?"
• (Matt Damon) "No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it -- do it and I'll f***in' spank you.""
• (Ben Affleck) "Oh, geez --"
• (Nun) "The way you put it -- I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I --"
• (Matt Damon) "Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours?"
• (Matt Damon) "That-a girl. Ah."
• (Ben Affleck) "You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist."
• (Matt Damon) "I just like to f*** with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes."

• (Matt Damon) "Is this why I had to come down here this morning, man? Is this why I had to miss my f***ing cartoons? You call me, you tell me it's important, you know. What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moment?"
• (Ben Affleck) "We're going home. Somebody sent us this in the mail."

• (Matt Damon) "I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away."

• (Matt Damon) "Wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing -- and then I can go back home?"
• (Ben Affleck) "No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die."
• (Matt Damon) "Die? I don't wanna die."
• (Ben Affleck) "What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?"
• (Matt Damon) "No. We don't even know if we CAN die."
• (Matt Damon) "All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then? Hell? f*** that."
• (Ben Affleck) "It's possible."
• (Matt Damon) "f*** that."
• (Ben Affleck) "If we cut off our wings, transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home."
• (Matt Damon) "Who sent the paper?"
• (Ben Affleck) "Who cares who sent the paper? All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole. They can't keep us out anymore. And once we get back in, I'm sure they'll just forgive and forget."
• (Matt Damon) "But this thing is, this is -- this is -- this is church law. It's not divine mandate. Catholic Church laws are fallible because they're created by man."
• (Ben Affleck) "One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first Pope, by the Son of God before He left was -- "Whatever you hold true on earth -- ""
• (Matt Damon) ""I'll hold true in heaven.""
• (Ben Affleck) "It's dogmatic law. The Catholic Church says it's so, God must adhere, this thing has a papal sanction --"
• (Matt Damon) "Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results."
• (Ben Affleck) "You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus."
• (Matt Damon) "Outstanding work."

• (Gun Salesman) "We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target s***s him or herself. Try it on."
• (Matt Damon) "Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this --"
• (Ben Affleck) "Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like."
• (Matt Damon) "Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work."
• (Ben Affleck) "What work did you do? You lit a few fires."
• (Matt Damon) "I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference."
• (Ben Affleck) "Oh, yeah, I'm sure."
• (Matt Damon) "Hey, you know, f*** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer."

• (Matt Damon) "Whose house? Run's house. I said whose house? Run's house. who's house say what run's house say what Martin. Martin."

• (Matt Damon) "Church laws are fallible because they're created by man."

• (Matt Damon) "So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him."

• (Matt Damon) "You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off."

• (Matt Damon) "Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God."

• (Matt Damon) "Last four days on Earth? Hm. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. We can do the next best thing."
• (Ben Affleck) "What's that?"
• (Matt Damon) "Well, let's kill people."
• (Matt Damon) "Oh, not you."

• (Matt Damon) "Consequences schmonsequences."

• (Matt Damon) "I forgot my little voodoo doll."
• (Matt Damon) "Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough --"
• (Matt Damon) "I don't believe in voodoo."
• (Matt Damon) "But I do believe in this."

• (Matt Damon) "Do you know about voodoo? No real doctrin of faith to speak of, more an arrangement of superstitions."

Jason Lee as Azrael

• (Jason Lee) "Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion; which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil,"

• (Jason Lee) "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater -- than central air."

• (Jason Lee) "But I'm a f***in' demon."

• (Jason Lee) "One side, red."

• (Jason Lee) "Quit killing people, that's high profile."
• (Matt Damon) "Oh, lighten up."

Alan Rickman as Metatron

• (Alan Rickman) "You know those constitutionals He likes to take?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Constitutionals?"
• (Chris Rock) "I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic."

• (Alan Rickman) "Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves."

• (Alan Rickman) "Wax on, wax off."

• (Alan Rickman) "I am to charge you with a holy crusade."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "For the record, I work in an abortion clinic."
• (Alan Rickman) "Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade."
• (Alan Rickman) "Aside from the fine print, that's it."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "What's the fine print?"
• (Alan Rickman) "Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that."
• (Alan Rickman) "Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them."

• (Alan Rickman) "Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point."

• (Alan Rickman) "You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?"

• (Alan Rickman) "Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."

• (Alan Rickman) "Behold the Metatron. Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God."

• (Alan Rickman) "Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now."

• (Alan Rickman) "It never ends."

Linda Fiorentino as Bethany

• (Linda Fiorentino) "So this is all about revenge."
• (Jason Lee) "After the first couple million years, escape from hell became my all consuming reason"

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Well, I am the last Scion."
• (Alan Rickman) "Actually, you WERE the last Scion. Now this"
• (Alan Rickman) "is the last Scion."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "You mean, I'm pregnant?"

• (Linda Fiorentino) "What are you doing?"
• (Jason Mewes) "Proving to this bastard I ain't gay."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "What?"
• (Chris Rock) "Long story, forget it."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?"
• (Jason Mewes) "You mean those f***s with the signs and pictures of dead babies? s*** no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own f***ing business."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Why are we here?"
• (Alanis Morissette) "Nweep."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "I didn't ask you out for sex."
• (Jason Mewes) "Well, I'll take head."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Wait a second. Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky, and guys trying like hell to f*** me, I think I've been pretty patient so far, and I'm not taking another step until you tell me where the hell you came from."
• (Chris Rock) "Me? I came from heaven."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "You gotta be kidding me."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "What gear are you in?"
• (Jason Mewes) ""Gear"?"

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin."
• (Chris Rock) "Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "So he's a Muse too?"
• (Salma Hayek) "Former Muse."
• (Salma Hayek) "He was kicked out --"
• (Jason Lee) "Oh, by all means, tell them, Serendipity. Tell them how I was slighted by the Allmighty."
• (Salma Hayek) "You got what you deserved, you yellow s***head."
• (Jason Lee) "Ever the f***ing apple polisher."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Were they sent to Hell?"
• (Alan Rickman) "Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "I don't mean to sound ungrateful -- but what are you doing hanging around?"
• (Jason Mewes) "We're here to pick up chicks."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Excuse me?"
• (Jason Mewes) "We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to f***?"

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Why? What the f*** do you want with me? I f***ing hate you."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "I don't want this, it's too big."
• (Alan Rickman) "That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father; not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before -- If I had the power, I would have."

• (Liz) "He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "You're suggesting I need to get filled?"
• (Liz) "In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan."
• (Liz) "That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Couldn't do it. Women are insane."
• (Liz) "Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "I think that God is dead."
• (Liz) "The sign of a true Catholic."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "What's he like?"
• (Alan Rickman) "God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Sex is a joke in heaven?"
• (Alan Rickman) "The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it?"
• (Chris Rock) "Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, you understand"

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Stall Bartleby from going into that church."
• (Jason Mewes) "How the hell am I supposed to do that?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Think of something."
• (Jason Mewes) "I already did, but it takes two of us."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "I want to go with you."
• (Jason Mewes) "What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent."

• (Linda Fiorentino) "Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?"
• (Chris Rock) "This girl's no woman."
• (Chris Rock) "No offense."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?"
• (Salma Hayek) "What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman."
• (Chris Rock) "Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherf***er's got tits,"

• (Linda Fiorentino) "You were martyred?"
• (Chris Rock) "That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to s*** by big f***ing rocks."

Ben Affleck as Bartleby

• (Ben Affleck) "Jesus Christ, Azrael; how'd you get out of Hell?"
• (Jason Lee) "I told them I was coming up on a routine possession."

• (Ben Affleck) "Prepare to taste God's wrath."

• (Ben Affleck) "Don't -- See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul."
• (Matt Damon) "My God -- I've heard a rant like this before."
• (Ben Affleck) "What did you say?"
• (Matt Damon) "I've heard a rant like this before."
• (Ben Affleck) "Don't you f***ing do that to me."
• (Matt Damon) "You sound like the Morning star."
• (Ben Affleck) "You shut your f***ing mouth."
• (Matt Damon) "You do. You sound like Lucifer, man. You've f***ing lost it. You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about f***ing war on God Well, f*** that. I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin"
• (Ben Affleck) "We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise."

• (Ben Affleck) "I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic."

• (Ben Affleck) "You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass."
• (Matt Damon) "The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it."
• (Ben Affleck) "This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie; "E. T. " or "Krush Groove"?"
• (Matt Damon) "You know, f*** you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one."
• (Matt Damon) "What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?"
• (Ben Affleck) "Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you."

• (Ben Affleck) "Hello, we'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please."
• (Bus Station Attendant) "Jersey's sold out, sir."
• (Matt Damon) "What?"
• (Bus Station Attendant) "There's one at the same time tomorrow. I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance."

• (Ben Affleck) "Do I come off as gay?"

• (Ben Affleck) ""I do believe in this." What does that mean?"

• (Ben Affleck) "The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite f***ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you -- once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE f***ING PATIENCE THEN? IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR. We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers."

• (Ben Affleck) "Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood."
• (Ben Affleck) "Wings, now."
• (Matt Damon) "I'm feeling a little exposed here --"
• (Ben Affleck) "DO IT."

• (Ben Affleck) "Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you."

• (Ben Affleck) "Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Chris Rock as Rufus

• (Chris Rock) "I thought she looked familiar."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Who?"
• (Chris Rock) "Serendipity."

• (Chris Rock) "The man was right about you. And I am going to go home and tell him so."
• (Chris Rock) "And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too."
• (Silent Bob) "Thanks."

• (Chris Rock) "What He really hates is the s*** that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism."

• (Chris Rock) "Let me give you a little inside information about God"

• (Chris Rock) "You know death is a worry of the living. The dead like myself only worry about decay and necrophiliacs."

• (Chris Rock) "I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle."

• (Chris Rock) "Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this s***?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Egga-Mooby muffin."

• (Chris Rock) "People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure, regarding this plenary indulgence bulls***. Bartlteby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they're successful, you and me, all of this, ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief."

• (Chris Rock) "Are you saying you believe?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "No. But I have a good idea."

• (Chris Rock) "The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it."

• (Chris Rock) "Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?"
• (Chris Rock) "Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from."
• (Jason Mewes) "Are you buying any of this s***?"

• (Chris Rock) "I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake."
• (George Carlin) "The Catholic Church does not make mistakes."
• (Chris Rock) "Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?"
• (Linda Fiorentino) "And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?"
• (George Carlin) "All right, mistakes were made."

• (Chris Rock) "He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the s*** that gets carried out in His name; wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it."
• (Linda Fiorentino) "Having beliefs isn't good?"
• (Chris Rock) "I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier --"

• (Chris Rock) "He likes to listen to people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant s***, He always had a smile on His face."

• (Chris Rock) "We were sent by Him who is called I Am."
• (George Carlin) "Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over."
• (Chris Rock) "Worked for Moses."

• (Chris Rock) "Hey. What I just did gave me a f***ing migraine. So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel."

• (Chris Rock) "Why? 'Cause I'm a black man."

• (Chris Rock) "You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower."
• (Jason Mewes) "I can't wait to die."

• (Chris Rock) "You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ."
• (Jason Mewes) "So that would make Bethany -- part black?"

• (Chris Rock) "Are we too late?"
• (Salma Hayek) "To save these poor schmucks? -- Yeah."

• (Chris Rock) "Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there."

• (Chris Rock) "Biggey. The door. The door."

• (Chris Rock) "Poopytrim."

• (Chris Rock) "In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me."

• (Chris Rock) "So what do we do now?"
• (Alan Rickman) "Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas."

George Carlin as Cardinal Glick

• (Unnamed) "Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW, Cardinal Glick."
• (George Carlin) "Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse -- even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal -- both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies -- He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you -- The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it -- pop? Buddy Christ --"

• (George Carlin) "Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young."
• (Chris Rock) "Kind of like the tobacco industry?"
• (George Carlin) "Christ, if only we had their numbers."

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