Duckman Quotes

Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man is a Animated sitcom; Black comedy; Satire that appeared on TV in 1994 on USA Network. Duckman ended its run in 1997.

Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man aired for 4 seasons and 70 episodes. It features Sherry Gunther, Michael Markowitz, Margot Pipkin, Mitch Watson, and Gene Laufenberg as producer. Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man is executive produced by Everett Peck, Jeff Reno, Ron Osborn, and Arlene Klasky; Gabor Csupo. Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man is created by Everett Peck.

Each episode of Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man is 22-23 minutes long. Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man is produced by Klasky Csupo, Reno & Osborn Productions, and Paramount Network Television and distributed by CBS Television Distribution.

Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man Quotes

• (Beverly) "Thank God Beatrice isn't alive to see this."

• (Duckman) "It's times like this that I wish I had a penis."

• (Unnamed) "I am here to introduce you to the greatest advance in civilization in this century."
• (Ajax) "CONDOMS. They held a vote at school."

• (Ben Stein) "Mr. Duckman, if the body is a temple, then you've committed countless acts of desecration."

• (Eric Duckman) "Ha Ha Ha. We will now pause for Jealousy to put its head up your ugly rear."

• (Cornfed Pig) "I haven't felt tension like that since I got stuck in an elevator with Pat Buchanan and RuPaul."

• (Actress) "Please Duckman. I'm your sister --"
• (Bernice) "In law. Sister in law."

• (Charles) "We saw a movie where, during a drill, terrorists took over a city."
• (Ajax) "Well, I saw a movie where, during a drill, terrorists took over a city."
• (Charles) "Ajax, that's the same movie."
• (Ajax) "They're all the same movie. That's why Hollywood movies are like visits from old friends."

• (Cornfed) "Before we get down to these peace talks I have one preliminary request. Would you please stop shocking Duckman?"
• (Unnamed) "Damn. I just got it working."

• (Duckman) "I can't believe they shared their girlfriends with us, Corny. I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptuous, adventurous, least-inhibited woman I've ever met. If she didn't suddenly get a headache -- woo hoo. there's no telling what wild and tawdry escapades we might have experienced. How was your night?"
• (Cornfed) "Like yours -- minus the headache."

• (Ajax) "If they made tugboats bigger, they could be the boats other boats tug."

• (Ajax) "You know, Dad, I think you're my favorite dad."
• (Duckman) "Only."
• (Ajax) "Only what?"
• (Duckman) "Only dad."
• (Ajax) "Only dad what?"

• (Unnamed) "Ma'am, please wait outside. The doctor may need to start slamming his fist on the patient's chest and yelling 'Live, damn you, live., and that can be hard to watch."

• (Eric Duckman) "Until Esperanto comes back, you want to ease off on the foreign mumbo-jumbo?"

• (Ajax) "Once bread become toast, it can never go back."

• (Cornfed Pig) "It's my fault, I was attempting an actual conversation."

• (Ajax) "I found it a provocative piece of stagecraft, marred only by the author's over-weening pretense towards psychological insight. But the violence was keen."

• (Bernice) "Who are you?"
• (Duckman) "She's Beatrice."
• (Unnamed) "No I'm not."
• (Duckman) "Yes you are."
• (Bernice) "She knows who she is you moron."

• (Charles) "Aunt Bernice?"
• (Ajax) "No. This is our new Aunt Beverly in our old Aunt Bernice's clothes pretending to be our dead mom Beatrice. If I can keep it straight you can keep it straight."

• (Duckman) "Hi Beverly"
• (Beverly) "Hi. Look I'm sorry for pretending to be your dead wife."
• (Duckman) "No that's okay. You stayed with me when you didn't have to. You saved my life."
• (Beverly) "It was my pleasure."
• (Duckman) "By the way. When I was unconious did I say anything embarrassing or private?"
• (Beverly) "No. No. If you did then I've long forgotten it."
• (Duckman) "Oh okay. Well, goodnight Beverly."
• (Beverly) "Goodnight Eric."

• (Roxanne) "I do not like all of this fighting between Dutch Elm Street and North Flem Ave. Please walk this way."
• (Duckman) "Do it and you're off the series."

• (Duckman) "If words were cherry stems, my tongue would be in Sherilyn Fenn's mouth."

• (Duckman) "Heck, I got suits pending against me from three different dating services and the teen chatline."

• (Duckman) "I'm taking a vacation. Where's my bathing suit with the padded bulge?"
• (Fluffy) "It should be in here."
• (Uranus) "Right next to your foam rubber pectoral enhancer."

• (Eric Duckman) "Well, nice knowing you, son. Not like I don't love you or anything, but you know how people are. They'll assume that sort of thing runs in the family, and frankly I got a tough enough time picking up chicks to begin with. So good luck, be careful, and maybe we'll see you on TV sometime lip-synching Over The Rainbow at one of those Pride parades."

• (Eric Duckman) "Dwaah. Dwaah. A thousand times, DWAAH."

• (Art 'Bones' McSalvo) "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a rodeo clown."

• (Bernice) "Look the whole south side of the street's joined up with Venom."
• (Duckman) "We don't need no Dutch Elm/North Phleghm scum. EAT FLOURIDE LAWN JOCKEYS."
• (Bernice) "DWAAAHHH."
• (Duckman) "That's enough with the DWAAHS. I do the DWAAHS okay?"
• (Duckman) "YIKES."

• (Eric Duckman) "Buttercup. Iisa."

• (Duckman) "Boo-freaking-hoo. Like I am supposed to take women and how they feel seriously? You ought to be accepted for your minds but you throw a hissy fit royalé if someone isn't saying you look great 30 hours a day. You say you want a nice guy but you only give it up to the creeps. You get to stay home, not go to war, live longer, and have sex whenever you want. So remind me again what exact is there to complain about."

• (Eric Duckman) "How are you, my dear? I hope that life has treated you better than time has."

• (Agent Dennehy) "This is the IRS. Throw out your wallets and surrender."

• (Duckman) "Damn ninjas are like roaches in this city."

• (Mambo) "Does a high ranking religious figure evacuate his bowels in a wooded area?"

• (Bernice) "If you're my sister then do you know what that means?"
• (Duckman) "A threesome?"

• (Duckman) "Did I ever tell you my Dad's last words to me?"
• (Cornfed) ""Careful, son, I don't think the safety is on.""
• (Duckman) "Before that."

• (Unnamed) "The best way to take our minds off the smell of burning flesh is to begin tonight's karaoke contest."

• (Duckman) "Yes, well warn us next time you're planning on thinking."

• (Beverly) "It's not too often that you see one horse's ass on top of another."

• (Lenord Nimoy) "Oh man. That's the last time I eat a headcheese hogie before bedtime."

• (Cornfed Pig) "Color me kooky, but something very odd is going on around here."

• (Eric Duckman) "Remember kids, when you get to prison attach yourself to the biggest, toughest, meanest looking goon you can find. You don't wanna wind up as just anyone's bitch."

• (King Chicken) "The students, professors, all animatrons. Robots."
• (Duckman) "Even Deanna, that lovely coed?"
• (King Chicken) "Nope. I've never been able to make breasts. She's a muppet."
• (Duckman) "Ohh. To be Frank Oz for a day."

• (Eric Duckman) "They towed my car, Cornie. And for no other reason than it was illegally parked and had $1200 in unpaid tickets."
• (Cornfed Pig) "Also, you stole it."

• (Cornfed Pig) "I know over two hundred ways to kill a man."
• (Unnamed) "You could glue an open jar of rats to his face. Then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out threw his face."
• (Cornfed Pig) "Two Hundred and one."

• (Bernice) "You spent the last six days watching that video tape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for."
• (Unnamed) "You said you erased that."
• (Cornfed) "Erased, ran off thousands of copies -- it's such a fine line."

• (Unnamed) "I call this meeting of the Block Neighborhood Association to order. Now I have a way of ending this quickly, painlessly, and quickly. I move that Dutch Elm Street annex North Phlegm Avenue."
• (Unnamed) "I think it would be good to be under the direction of a strong, benevolent tyrant like Mr. Venom."
• (Dr Stien) "As a doctor I think it's an ideal way to deal with this."
• (Unnamed) "I never thought of it before but I think it's an idea that's worth considering."

• (Ajax) "He was killed when a group of hungry nuns went running towards the snack booth. He was pushed into the cotton candy machine and he got mutilated in the whirling batter of spun sugar."
• (Bernice) "Another senseless religious confection death."

• (Cornfed Pig) "You can't keep us here, you know. We're Americans. We have rights."
• (Eric Duckman) "Including the right to bear arms. So, uh, could we, like, have some guns?"

• (Eric Duckman) "OK, son, now you're starting to scare the viewers."

• (Duckman) "She's a bigger ripoff than those talk-to-a-nympho-in-prison hotlines that double charge you on your phone bill when they know you can't do a thing about it 'cause you can't tell anyone you called them in the first place -- so I heard."

• (Mambo) "Would you please tell her quickly."
• (Charles) "Aunt Beverly is your other sister who got misplaced in the hospital"
• (Bernice) "Do you know what this means?"
• (Eric Duckman) "A threesome?"
• (Bernice) "No. TRIPLETS."
• (Bernice) "So you've heard about?"
• (Beverly) "Yes I know."
• (Bernice) "And after she married Duckman she died. I'd love it if you would stay."
• (Beverly) "I don't know. I don't want to be a bother."
• (Charles) "Oh that would be great."
• (Mambo) "OOH. Stop jumping."

• (Unnamed) "DWAAH."
• (Duckman) "Hey. Get your own wacky scream."

• (Ajax) "Gravity is not just a law, it's also a good idea."

• (Bernice) "Something funny's going on here."
• (Eric Duckman) "It's about time. I'm getting sick of all the social commentary."

• (Duckman) "Quiet. I can't hear myself lie."

• (Bob Hiney) "Any particular reason you got a picture of a drag queen on a Shetland pony licking a flaming banjo on your chest?"
• (Duckman) "All right, never mind that."

• (Duckman) "I work hard everyday to provide food and clothes for my family."
• (Mambo) "Bye dad. We're going out to the mall. Although we haven' had a pair of jeans that fit us in the past 2 years."
• (Duckman) "Okay so I provide food for my family."
• (Ajax) "Bye Dod. I'm going out to eat and then I'm going to go for a walk in the city's seedy underbelly to learn things that you'll never comprehend."
• (Duckman) "Why is it that everything I say ends up becoming some perfectly timed joke at my expense?"
• (Bernice) "I didn't hear you otherwise I would have made a joke at your expense."

• (Duckman) "Last one in the car mops up the vomit."

• (Dr. Susan Fox) "Cornfed, I'm sensing that you have "issues"."
• (Cornfed) "Oh, I have issues all right. Like that time he made me miss my mother's funeral so he could carterize his lucky goiter or that time he got drunk and gave my phone number out to all of those prostitutes or that time he sold all of my furniture to buy those Who's The Boss comemorative plates."
• (Duckman) "They were supposed to triple in value. DAMN YOU TO HELL TONY DANZA."
• (Dr. Susan Fox) "How does that make you feel, Duckman?"
• (Duckman) "Like a bottle of open spit."
• (Cornfed) "You and what United States Peacekeeping force?"

• (Cornfed) "Be careful, Duckman. A cursory olfactory analysis of this woman's sweat glands indicates that decades of alcohol ingestion have permeated her cellular structure and made her a prime candidate for spontaneous combustion."

• (Duckman) "Talk about a crime, I can't believe I wore those platform shoes."

• (Eric Duckman) "I'll be tireless in my efforts for Duckman doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.'"
• (Cornfed Pig) "Apparently, the word 'clue' slipped through the cracks as well."

• (Duckman) "I can't believe they towed my car. And only because it was parked in a tow-away zone and I had $1,200 worth of unpaid parking tickets."
• (Cornfed) "Also, you stole it."
• (Duckman) "It was dark. How was I supposed to tell the difference between a parking lot at the mall and a Mazda dealership?"

• (Eric Duckman) "You realize, of course, this means war --"

• (King Chicken) "Duckman do you remember when you had a toothache?"
• (Duckman) "Yeah, my dentist was arrested for mal-practice. Who was the replacement? You?"
• (Duckman) "DAMN YOU CHICKEN. YOU CHARGED ME $50."

• (Duckman) "Comedy should provoke. It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions. Comedy should always leave you different than when it found you. Sure, humor can hurt, even alienate, but the risk is better than the alternative: a steady diet of innocuous, child-proof, flavorless mush. Demand to be challenged, to be offended, to be treated like thinking, reasoning adults. And raise your children to be the same. Don't let a comedian, a network, a Congressional committee, or an evil genius take away your freedom to laugh at whatever you want."

• (Duckman) "Well now look what you made me do. I gotta go in there with a picture of me and Vanna White frolicking naked with a tribe of pygmies on my chest."
• (Cornfed) "Hmm. Looks like synchronized swimmers crocheting mittens in a pool filled with truffles to me."
• (Duckman) "You're sick."

• (Ajax) "I like toast. Its the muffins that must be stopped."

• (Cornfed Pig) "This is Cornfed. In the name of humanity, will you agree to peace talks?"

• (Cornfed) "From the moment she opened her mouth I wanted to sublet her tongue, move into her larynx, and re-do the upper incisors in mauve. Well, not exactly mauve, but mauvish."

• (Duckman) "Somewhere, somehow they all got chewed up and spit back out. They don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what's it's like living in this deranged, Waring blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. Ah, you never forget your senior prom. You think I'm sick? Well the only disease I've got is modern life, a shnug-busting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, putdown, trickledowns, shutouts, freezeouts, sellouts, numbnuts, nickenputz and nimrods. All making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue. And even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like say if some nimphomaniac telephone operator with the muscle control of Romanian matslappers agree to a little strip air-hockey, it will be over before it starts, cuz some foul lacking, fedder reeking cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback and the cab is owned by some pinata spanker from a Santa Ria culpa a culpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big that all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete. And even with all this, with all this. I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day. Knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those pearly gates, I won't be in the coffin anyways, because some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted good and plenty to that same Santa Ria cult. So does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails, while life dirty dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder THAT I SEEM DERANGED?"

• (Mambo) "What do you want to bet that he's doing something to further humiliate and embarrass us?"

• (Val de Ree) "Excuse me, why do you have a picture of me, a rabbi, and six drunken longshoreman rolling around on a rubber bed on your chest?"

• (Duckman) "Excuse me sir, I'd like to reclaim my father's body from storage."
• (Duckman) "Terry Duke Tetsloff."
• (Terry Duke Tetsloff) "At your service Mr Duckman."
• (Duckman) "Wait a minute aren't you that sleazy con-man who sold my family a defective home security system, gave an overpriced funeral to my mother-in-law when she wasn't really dead and artifically enseminated my sister-in-law with my sperm?"
• (Terry Duke Tetsloff) "The very same one. Say are you here to reclaim your father's body?"
• (Duckman) "Yep."
• (Terry Duke Tetsloff) "I'll just go and get it and remember no ticky, no body."

• (Duckman) "Willabald Fivel?"
• (Duckman) "Willabald Fivel?"
• (Cornfed) "Uh Duckman. My problem? I have to have sex with a woman or else I'm going to die."
• (Duckman) "Oh yes. Don't worry Cornfed. I'll find you a woman."
• (Duckman) "Willabald Fivel."

• (Judge) "Mr Tetsloff, is your home security system defective?"
• (Terry Duke Tetsloff) "Only if you're dumb enough to go in there and try to fix it yourself."

• (Duckman) "Doctor, something's wrong. I'm growing."
• (Unnamed) "Duckman, those are called erections. They happen all the time."
• (Duckman) "No, I mean I'm really growing."

• (Duckman) "I'm just one more duck detective, that works with a pig, lives with the twin sister of his dead wife, three sons on two bodies, and a mother-in-law with so much gas, she's a fire hazard."

• (Duckman) "I hope this doesn't sound grandiose, but tonight I begin my pre-ordained ascent towards the global adulation I so richly deserve."

• (Duckman) "What the hell are YOU staring at?"

• (Cornfed) "You got a letter from the IRS."
• (Duckman) "I'm outta here. Forward my magazines to that PO Box in Rio."
• (Cornfed) "Duckman, you can't hide from the IRS. They're everywhere."

• (Bernice) "There's something fishy going on around here"
• (Duckman) "Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's sensing a lot of suck ups around here."
• (Mambo) "Hey, everybody."
• (Charles) "Expensive electronic equipment and thick wads of cash are being delivered to three houses on North Phleghm."
• (Bernice) "TRAITORS."
• (Ben Stein) "Let's book."

• (Dr Stien) "Mr Duckman if, as an adult, cannot act with a moderate of decorum I'll rip your eyes out and feed them to my dingos."
• (Cornfed) "Duckman maybe it's a good idea not to tick Dr Stien off."
• (Duckman) "What's he going to do? Oh Dr Stien is angry."

• (Cornfed Pig) "The password is 'Bad Writing.'"

• (Duckman) "Don't blame me, you rug-wearing suburban psycho."

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