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Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (film) Quotes

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (film) is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . Elvira: Mistress of the Dark completed its run in 1970.

It features Eric Gardner, and Mark Pierson as producer, James B. Campbell in charge of musical score, and Hanania Bier as head of cinematography.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (film) is 96 minutes long. Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (film) is distributed by New World Pictures.

The cast includes: Cassandra Peterson as Elvira, Edie McClurg as Chastity Pariah, W. Morgan Sheppard as Vincent Talbot, Daniel Greene as Bob Redding, Susan Kellermann as Patty, Kurt Fuller as Mr. Clotter, Ellen Dunning as Robin Meeker, Pat Crawford Brown as Mrs. Meeker, Robert Benedetti as Calvin Cobb, Robert Benedetti as Cop, and William Duell as Lesley Meeker.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (film) Quotes

Daniel Greene as Bob Redding

  • (Daniel Greene) "What's that perfume you're wearing?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Supper Unleaded -- Don't smoke."
  • (Daniel Greene) "Well, at least you still have the ring."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap."
  • (Daniel Greene) "How's your head?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I haven't had any complaints yet."
  • (Daniel Greene) "No, you didn't."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas."
  • (Daniel Greene) "You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Oh. I thought that cleared up."
  • (Daniel Greene) "Patty -- you're not a very nice person."
  • (Daniel Greene) "I run the movie house."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Oh, really? I'm in movies too. Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?"
  • (Daniel Greene) "No --"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?"
  • (Daniel Greene) "I, ah -- I can only play G-rated movies."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence."

Cassandra Peterson as Elvira

  • (Cassandra Peterson) "And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things -- I mean the thing with two heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Whoa. Must have taken too much antacid in the sixties."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Bloody Mary."
  • (Bartender) "No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Maybe, but, ah -- I'll have a couple of drinks first."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?"
  • (Pat Crawford Brown) "Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star."
  • (Anchorwoman) "Is there anything that could possibly shame you?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Yeah,"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "wearing this out in public might do it."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "What is there to do for fun around here?"
  • (Ellen Dunning) "This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place. The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Gee, I think I can handle it."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them -- tell them that I never turned down a friend. I -- never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them -- tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Any two, as long as they're simple."
  • (Earl Hooter) "The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?"
  • (Earl Hooter) "Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror."
  • (Sheriff) "Do you smoke?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Guess we'll find out soon enough."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I've never been so humiliated in my life. Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Grab a tool and start banging."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards."

W. Morgan Sheppard as Vincent Talbot

  • (W. Morgan Sheppard) "He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark."
  • (W. Morgan Sheppard) "I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody."
  • (W. Morgan Sheppard) "You think you're someone special. Well, mark my words. I'll get you and your little dog, too."
  • (W. Morgan Sheppard) "The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft."

Pat Crawford Brown as Mrs. Meeker

  • (Pat Crawford Brown) "Leslie was the one covering people in apple butter. I was just an innocent on-licker."

Susan Kellermann as Patty

  • (Susan Kellermann) "Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?"
  • (Susan Kellermann) "Trash does not compete with class."

Edie McClurg as Chastity Pariah

  • (Edie McClurg) "Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?"
  • (Kurt Fuller) "I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search."
  • (Edie McClurg) "Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore."
  • (Edie McClurg) "Well, I never."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head."
  • (Edie McClurg) "Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress."
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."
  • (Edie McClurg) "He had his way with me in broad daylight."
  • (Robert Benedetti) "Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull."

Robert Benedetti as Cop

  • (Robert Benedetti) "Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it."

William Duell as Lesley Meeker

  • (William Duell) "We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?"
  • (Cassandra Peterson) "I hope you changed the sheets."

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