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French and Saunders Quotes

French and Saunders is a TV program that debuted in 1987 on BBC Two. French and Saunders ended its run in 2007.

French and Saunders aired for 6 seasons and 48 (regular) episodes. French and Saunders is created by Dawn French.

Each episode of French and Saunders is Various long.

French and Saunders Quotes

  • (Unnamed) "Listen, I really don't want you to take this personally or think that I'm being cruel or unkind, but you're really just a hideous, talentless bitch with a foul attitude, aren't you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, thanks to you AND your mother."
  • (Unnamed) "Ladies and Gentlemen -- Loofah Wetwipe."
  • (Unnamed) "With me on the couch today is our financial specialist Dawn French. Hello Dawn."
  • (Unnamed) "Hello."
  • (Unnamed) "Now Dawn is here today to talk to us about what's going on in the market today. Dawn, tell us a little bit about what we might find in the market today."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, in the market today you'll find apples, bananas, all types of fresh produce and things of that nature. Of course if we're talking about a farmer's type market you'll find all sorts of knick-knacks including those little plastic flowers that dance when you talk to them. of course they're not the Japanese ones, they're the imitation English ones."
  • (Unnamed) "Right. Actually I was talking about the financial market."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, the financial market. Well in the financial market right now people are very concerned about -- money."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, we've almost run out of time, but perhaps we can finish up with a bit of the word on the street?"
  • (Unnamed) "Right. The word on the street is -- many a muckle makes a muckle."
  • (Unnamed) "Have you met my handmaiden, Panty-Padme?"
  • (Unnamed) "People are going to look at this and they're going to think we're in Texas."
  • (Unnamed) "No, Jennifer, they are not. They are going to see this and see two freezing cold women in the middle of winter in Cornwall."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh whatever will I wear to the party tonight, Mammie?"
  • (Unnamed) "I thought you were going to wear this frock."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh fiddle-dee-dee."
  • (Unnamed) "Should I have that dry-cleaned, then?"
  • (Unnamed) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "The dress? Do you want me to go and drop it at the dry cleaners?"
  • (Unnamed) "Maybe you should just go and beat it on a rock."
  • (Unnamed) "What? Why?"
  • (Unnamed) "Because you're my SLAVE."
  • (Unnamed) "Now, I've prepared a little mock-up for you Jo, I hope that you approve. Would it be safe to say that THIS is the size that you'd be thinking of for your book "Rock Stars and Their Toilet Seats"? Pop-up size, Jo?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, well, that size, definately, but certainally not that thick."
  • (Unnamed) "Of course, yes. And although we've got Princess Stephanie in there for the mock-up, obviously it WILL be Bob Geldolf. And I wonder, Jo, have you given any consideration to incorperating pop-up?"
  • (Unnamed) "Can I suggest something? Plop-up."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't want to eat your skin, Madonna. I'm not a crazy."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah, she's not even a fan. She hates your work."
  • (Both) "Madonna."
  • (Unnamed) "Can I come in?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well I'll just have to ask my friend. Can Death come in?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, sure Death, come on in and join the party."
  • (Unnamed) "You -- oh God, this is so embarassing, but you have a little something. There, on your face."
  • (Unnamed) "What? Oh, honestly, I swear, you walk around all day and no one says a word to you."
  • (Unnamed) "There, did I get it?"
  • (Unnamed) "You're just one step away from plain white trash, aren't you Jennifer? Your mother was a biology teacher in Cheshire. You used to sit there on your white pony and you'd dream -- of getting all the way -- to the B. B. C."
  • (Unnamed) "And once I have given you that capital letter, what will you be doing with it?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, if I can go out on a limb here and make an executive decision, I am going to say that we will be photocopying it, probably passing it around the office and tacking it up on bulliten boards. Exciting."
  • (Unnamed) "Tell me something, Jennifer -- if you castrated a Glow Worm, would it be delighted? Ha-ha-ha. And I mean that sincerely, folks."
  • (Unnamed) "No. No-no-no-no. That's the funniest material I've ever written."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, well you're just going to have to go back to doing what you do best: writing stuff with both of us in that just isn't that funny."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey Britney, did you see what I can do with this pole? Come over here, I got somethin' to show ya --"
  • (Unnamed) "You can do this on your own, I'm goin' home, I gotta drone --"
  • (Unnamed) "Hello. Just popping in to check and see how you're getting on with your freedom as, you see, I haven't got any."
  • (Unnamed) "Perhaps you could tell us, for instance, what one might be spending if one wereto invest in gold?"
  • (Unnamed) "Right, well, for about fifteen pounds you can get a fine thin chain bracelet. For twenty five pounds you can get a necklace and perhaps your initials in some of that curly swirly writing. But I feel duty bound to warn you that if you are looking for something such as a chunky identity bracelet, you may find yourself paying upwards of fifty pounds."
  • (Unnamed) "Well. A word to the wise, there."
  • (Unnamed) "What did the krankies say to you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Fun-dabby-doosie."
  • (Unnamed) "Tsk. I'm sorry."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh fiddle-dee-diddle-dee-dee. Do you think that Rhett will ask me to dance tonight at the party?"
  • (Unnamed) "I don't know. I'm not paid to think, apparently."
  • (Unnamed) "Quite frankly the internet is just a world of hideous filth waiting in earnest to corrupt our children. Why, one only need enter in a harmless barnyard term; like "poo cock"; and there's no end to the smut that appears."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, it turns out SHE was the one who I was telling you about earlier who's been having an affair with a porcupine. Sorry, concubine."
  • (Unnamed) "Celebrity gossip. So I decided to see a play about a week ago. A small thing, something to do with morality in the art world, very high brow. Well the curtains opened, amazing, lavish sets. Great acting. But you'll never guess what happened. This woman, all of a sudden, walked across the stage. It was Madonna. She just walked over to the fireplace, took off her coat, and then proceeded to lounge about for the entire show. I mean, what was she thinking? And the actors of course were totally professional, acted as if she wasn't even there. Perhaps she thought that Gwyneth Paltrow was doing a show there and she would just stop by to say hello. But then she had the nerve to take the curtain call with those people."
  • (Unnamed) "What a deluded cow."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, but you haven't heard the whole of it. I went back a few days later hoping to catch the play undisturbed, and she did it again. Walked right over to the fireplace, took off her coat so I knew she was staying."
  • (Unnamed) "My God. Ever since that woman moved to London it's like she thinks she owns the place. Well, did you at least get your money back?"
  • (Unnamed) "No. But I did sell the story to Pop Trash magazine. Big bucks."
  • (Unnamed) "No, I'm sorry, Janie. I have to pass on the tiles, but what about It's Flan-tastic?"
  • (Unnamed) "How much you think that cost?"
  • (Unnamed) "T-shirt? Three pound fifty, tops."
  • (Unnamed) "Forty quid."
  • (Unnamed) "No."
  • (Unnamed) "Forty quid she paid for that, I couldn't believe it. You know how's I know? Dry clean, apparently. Dry clean a t-shirt, I couldn't believe it. I should be dry cleaning her knickers next time."
  • (Unnamed) "Why aren't you wearing the face paint I gave you?"
  • (Unnamed) "I tried it on but it just looked stupid."
  • (Unnamed) "Well are you at least going to try the accent?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, I meant to ask you about that. Do you think I should?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, try it. "How are you doing today?""
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, very well, thank you. I had lunch and --"
  • (Unnamed) "No, SAY it."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh."
  • (Unnamed) "Howarryu durrin? HAH-AH-AR-YER-DORN?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, fiddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee dee. Bring me some crushed ice and a surrey with a fringe on top."
  • (Unnamed) "Well are YOU going to try the accent?"
  • (Unnamed) "I AM."
  • (Unnamed) "Male or female caucasian -- dead -- Aged anywhere between -- ten and fifty years old -- Two small bosoms -- huge buttocks -- too obscene. Two hands -- attached to the arms. There's evidence of bruising to the head, the neck, the botty, the pee-pee."
  • (Unnamed) "Do you know who really has it all? Jeri Hall. She is an international woman, that woman. She's got one leg in Texas and one leg in London, and the whole world in between."

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