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Funny People Quotes

Funny People is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . Funny People stopped airing in 1970.

It features Judd Apatow, Clayton Townsend, and Barry Mendel as producer, Jason Schwartzman; Michael Andrews in charge of musical score, and Janusz Kamiński as head of cinematography.

Funny People is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Funny People is 146 minutes long. Funny People is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: Torsten Voges as Dr. Lars, Adam Sandler as George Simmons, Seth Rogen as Ira Wright, Jason Schwartzman as Mark, Jonah Hill as Leo, Eric Bana as Clarke, Leslie Mann as Laura, Jason Schwartzman as James Taylor, Iris Apatow as Ingrid, Aubrey Plaza as Dawn, Aubrey Plaza as Daisy, Rza as Chuck, and Steve Bannos as Deli Manager.

Funny People Quotes

Jason Schwartzman as James Taylor

  • (Jason Schwartzman) "I can't belive this, I'm opening up to you, and you're making fun of a serious moment in my life."
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "Did you know that Leo played a part on Yo, Teach?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Yes I did."
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "So you saw it?"
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?"
  • (Jonah Hill) "You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell."
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "f*** Facebook."
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "Don't put me in this position where I have to f*** my way out of a corner."
  • (Jonah Hill) "He'll do it too. I've seen him."
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "Oh, I'm sorry my $25,000 check is such an inconvenience for your pillow."

Adam Sandler as George Simmons

  • (Adam Sandler) "Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you f***in' talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?' That's f***in' insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I took care of you when you were a baby, now have to do the same for me."
  • (Unnamed) "Now, do you actually use MySpace?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "No, I f*** girls, Tom. I don't have time for that."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me."
  • (Adam Sandler) "You wanna f*** these girls?"
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "I filled my quota in 1982, I believe."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Don't say chilling."
  • (Adam Sandler) "You're my best friend, and I don't even like you."
  • (Adam Sandler) "So, which room is yours?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Prepare to take a hike, because you're standing in it."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Don't say ASAP."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Am I not allowed to be happy or something? I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness might be coming at the cost of destroying this family."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl."
  • (Seth Rogen) "She told me she had a boyfriend."
  • (Adam Sandler) "She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Good news, Bonita. I went to the doctor today. He said I was doing better."
  • (Unnamed) "That's good, Mr. Simmons. I found the pants you were looking for. They were in the closet."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Don't cry, you're making a scene. Everyone will think I broke up with you."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Daniel Day-Lewis would have torn that scene apart."
  • (Adam Sandler) "My balls are for everyone."

Torsten Voges as Dr. Lars

  • (Torsten Voges) "It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?"
  • (Torsten Voges) "You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies."
  • (Adam Sandler) "And I enjoy all of your movies."
  • (Torsten Voges) "Which movies?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis."
  • (Torsten Voges) "Now do you trust my accent?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Yes I do."

Seth Rogen as Ira Wright

  • (Seth Rogen) "I masturbate so much with hand cream, I forget people use it for s*** other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, I'm like "This guy's about to jerk off.""
  • (Seth Rogen) "One of my roommates told me that he was Joe Pesci's son, I believed him for three years. I still get s*** about that."
  • (Seth Rogen) "f*** Facebook in the face."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Would you f*** my roommate if he was James McAvoy or Jude Law?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Probably."
  • (Unnamed) "Everyone in this f***ing room is either staring at us, wanting to take a f***ing picture."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Yeah. Got it."
  • (Unnamed) "E-mail that to me."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I will. That's awesome."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "Who the f*** is that guy right there?"
  • (Unnamed) "That f***ing guy right there."
  • (Adam Sandler) "What? Ray Romano's bothering you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Who? Ray, Ray who?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't give a f*** what show he's on. I'll f*** this motherf***er up, man."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Hey."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, Ray."
  • (Unnamed) "Hello, Marshall."
  • (Unnamed) "f***ing problem here, buddy?"
  • (Unnamed) "Would you like to f*** me? Is that what this is?"
  • (Unnamed) "I don't get it, man. What's going on?"
  • (Unnamed) "Would you like me to f***ing bend over for you right now?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "Say no."
  • (Unnamed) "No, man."
  • (Unnamed) "I just gotta always be on my toes, man. You know?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "I see that, but not with Ray Romano."
  • (Unnamed) "This is why I don't go out of the house."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I thought everybody loved you."
  • (Seth Rogen) "I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. You should come watch me."
  • (Steve Bannos) "Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny."
  • (Rza) "Nah, he's right man. No way, man. That s*** was painful. I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. I had f***ing nightmares after that."
  • (Seth Rogen) "That was a long time ago. That was months ago. I've gotten a lot funnier since then."
  • (Rza) "Then you bored my wife to sleep. I couldn't get no p***** that night, man."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Don't blame me for your p***** issues."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?"
  • (Jason Schwartzman) "Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "One of my roommates told me that he was Joe Pesci's son, I believed him for three years. I still get s*** about that."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Do you guys even like this show?"
  • (Unnamed) "No."
  • (Unnamed) "How did he know he had it?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "He said he was feeling dizzy and tired. So he went to the doctor, and it was in his blood work."
  • (Unnamed) "That sucks, 'cause I get dizzy and tired. Anybody gets sick and I think I'm gonna get it. Is it contagious? It's not contagious, is it?"
  • (Seth Rogen) "No. No, I've been around him a lot. I feel fine."
  • (Unnamed) "Okay, 'cause when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip. Not that you got it, but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, and the next thing you know, I'm dead, and my wife's f***ing George Lopez."

Jonah Hill as Leo

  • (Jonah Hill) "I can't believe George Simmons is dying. I grew up on his movies."
  • (Jonah Hill) "I just came back from the new Harry Potter movie. Harry's getting old. They should start calling him Harold Potter."
  • (Jonah Hill) "If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're gonna get a million hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius."
  • (Seth Rogen) "Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that."
  • (Jonah Hill) "You son of a bitch. Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?"
  • (Jonah Hill) "I wanna put my eye-glasses on your asshole so it looks like you're blowing me when I f*** you in the ass, you jerk."
  • (Jonah Hill) "Go lose 20 more pounds, you son of a bitch."
  • (Jonah Hill) "It's not my fault your grandpa is playing backgammon with Hitler."

Rza as Chuck

  • (Rza) "You're not funny. You look funny, but you're not funny."

Leslie Mann as Laura

  • (Leslie Mann) "No cussing in your standup."
  • (Adam Sandler) "That takes out half of my act."

Eric Bana as Clarke

  • (Eric Bana) "Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? f***."
  • (Eric Bana) "What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?"
  • (Leslie Mann) "George."
  • (Eric Bana) "This George?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Look out."
  • (Leslie Mann) "Yeah."
  • (Eric Bana) "Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard."

Aubrey Plaza as Daisy

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Iris Apatow as Ingrid

  • (Iris Apatow) "I like the movie where you have a baby's body."
  • (Adam Sandler) "So you like Re-Do."

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