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Green Wing Quotes

Green Wing is a Sitcom that appeared on TV in 2004 on Channel 4. Green Wing ended its run in 2007.

Green Wing aired for 18 (+2 shorts specials) episodes. It features Victoria Pile as producer, and Jonathan Whitehead as theme composer. Green Wing is executive produced by Peter Fincham (producer). Green Wing is created by Victoria Pile.

Each episode of Green Wing is Approx. 50-55 minutes, Special 90 minutes long. Green Wing is produced by Talkback (production company) and distributed by Fremantle (company).

The cast includes: Michelle Gomez as Sue White, Mark Heap as Dr. Alan Statham, Tamsin Greig as Dr. Caroline Todd, Pippa Haywood as Joanna Clore, Oliver Chris as Boyce, Olivia Colman as Harriet Schulenburg, Katie Lyons as Naughty Rachel, Paterson Joseph as Lyndon Jones, Darren Boyd as Jake, Sally Bretton as Kim Alabaster, Lucinda Raikes as Karen Ball, Daisy Haggard as Emmy, Sally Bretton as Poster, and Sally Phillips as Holly Hawkes.

Green Wing Quotes

Michelle Gomez as Sue White

  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "I feel safe here. It reminds me of --"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Being locked away as a boarding-school boy for tampering with your down-belows?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Yep -- No."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "How's this one?"
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Well it's a bit crispy -- round here."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Oh my creeping Jesus, these are supposed to have been waashed."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Washed? You mean they're not new?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "New? No, they're not new, what would I be doing with new clothes in my office? This is the Dead Box."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "You mean these are the clothes of dead people? That's disgusting."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with it. Look:"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Fatal RTA,"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Fatal RTA,"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Stroke Victim. I had to wait three days for these, saves me a fortune. But come on, I'll take you shopping."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it. Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Aha."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep,"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Mobile phone number?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "07956, actually, I'm between --"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Thighs?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "-- networks."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Okay."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "And, um -- Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "House number?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "21."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "That's it. That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Yes."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I have an unlimited budget."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I will answer you, but only in the language of the Crow."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Health and Safety have said you'll have to cut your hair, but for me it can't be long enough. I imagine a woman can only hang on."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I could put a spell on you."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "This is Dr Macartney."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Hi; Mac, call me Mac, hi."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Any relation to --"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Ringo Starr? No, actually, but impeccable timing because we're short a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation."
  • (Unnamed) "Dr. McCartney has withdrawn from the Slave Auction."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know; together."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Key member of the team?; no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Well, there is more than adequate cover."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "I don't think there is."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Yes, I've always said that; very happy to have him out of my sight."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Did I?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yeah."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Yes, I suppose I did, yes."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "So what's the problem?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "I don't want them to be off; both at the same time. I don't."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Why?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Just because."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Because why?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Because -- because guy is a wanker."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Sorry, are yóu on my side here, or not?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm under your side -- I'm all over your side."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I can do headstands. Now, would you like to see that? Would you? The? Would you like to see that?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Ohhhh --"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "A HAAAAAANDBAG? Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Oh pleasure your body as well as your mind you poor man."
  • (Paterson Joseph) "Rather not."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Why?"
  • (Paterson Joseph) "Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. Let's forget this ever happened."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I don't mind swallowing."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yes?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "I haven't asked the question yet."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yes."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Is the answer?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "What?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Is yes the answer?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Is the question."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "But is yes the answer? Take a gamble."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I don't know, is it?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Take a gamble."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "No is the answer?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No is the answer. Yes is never the answer."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "So no is the answer?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No is the answer."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just f*** me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and f*** me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here -- on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor -- but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Not sure I can stand up."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "OK. Shut the door."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "OK."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Yeah, within reason."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Well, not necessarily."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Right, for instance, pop this on."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "What?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Go on, slave, pop that on."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Why?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Just do it. Just pretend you've got cheekbones."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Right, okay --"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "And say "Hello, Sue"."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Hello, Sue."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "-- "I'm Dr McCartney" --"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "I'm Dr -- ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yeah, touch my bottom. Touch. Touch it."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi --."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Oh, it's great."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Yes, let's buy it, darling."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Oooohhh, okay."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Can you? Oh stop it. Ohhh, in my crack. Collecting in my crack. Oh, lovely. Oooooohhh, you lovely thing."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Okay, this is a "Hospital". It's full of people desperately hoping to get better, but most of them don't and they die in pain. So, any questions?"
  • (Unnamed) "Can we see the morgue?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "The patients don't like me."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I see. Anything else?"
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "The Path Lab guys keep stealing my yoghurt."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Now, now. Whoa, there, Columbo."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "You say you're stressed about your exams. Well, it seems to me if you stopped being stressed things would be better for you."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Yes."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "You're all a bunch of fatties. You can't eat that, you're far too fat."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Leave me now, I want to rest my scary eyes."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Live, damn you. Live."
  • (Unnamed) "f*** off back to Dr. MacCartney."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I know. I just don't know what to do about that Holly."
  • (Unnamed) "Destroy her."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "How?"
  • (Unnamed) "Leave it to me."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Sorry, is this a bad time?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No, no, I'm here to soothe, I'm here to bathe, I'm here to listen to the worker's woes."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Do you know the Story of the Magical Pink Rabbit?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Hang on. Does the Magic Rabbit live in an Enchanted Forest?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yeah."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Does the Magic Rabbit only pop his nose out of his burrow once in a while?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Right."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Can I just say something? I have no idea what we're talking about."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Yes you do."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "No I don't, I'm going."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "She's not good enough for you, Mac. She'll never be good enough for you. She doesn't have a Fanny."

Mark Heap as Dr. Alan Statham

  • (Mark Heap) "I've got to go and sort out some lymphocytes, but I'll be back soon."
  • (Chaplain) "How soon?"
  • (Mark Heap) "About twenty minutes?"
  • (Chaplain) "Are you sure you're getting enough work done?"
  • (Mark Heap) "We have fatter fish to fry."
  • (Mark Heap) "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "I think I am too."
  • (Mark Heap) "Everything's gone Dwarf."
  • (Mark Heap) "And we can see in the second image of the gall bladder that the stone has been dislodged. I call this the Mick Jagger effect, because it is a rolling stone -- That is a joke you may laugh."
  • (Chaplain) "Are you alright?"
  • (Mark Heap) "Oh my f***sie. No, well, you know. God's a Sod. She's gone and that's all there is to it."
  • (Chaplain) "I'm so sorry. Did she suffer?"
  • (Mark Heap) "Your urine seems to be fluorescent."
  • (Mark Heap) "That's too far away you, you -- immigrated ignoramus."
  • (Unnamed) "-- Yeah. Anyway, proper Doctors, people like him"
  • (Unnamed) ", get the spaces closest to the Hospital."
  • (Mark Heap) "I am a bloody proper Doctor."
  • (Mark Heap) "Will you desist."
  • (Mark Heap) "Confiscatio."
  • (Mark Heap) "I love you Simon Mason."
  • (Mark Heap) "Heed me."
  • (Unnamed) "You don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let what Linda has said penetrate our souls."
  • (Mark Heap) "-- Right. Penetrated."
  • (Mark Heap) ""Carrier Pigeon". Carrier Pigeon -- Carrier Pigeon -- Carrier -- of disease. OH. Gnarled claw -- disease eating away at your very being -- "Look out. A car." "I can't fly, my wing's damaged." Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep -- Let it penetrate."
  • (Mark Heap) "I need a new name badge. It's supposed to say "Dr Alan Statham Consultant Radiologist" but someone's blacked out the O, the N, the S, the L, the first T and the A of the word "Consultant"."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "So now it says?"
  • (Mark Heap) "If you boil a kettle with vinegar it gets rid of the residue."
  • (Mark Heap) "Joanna brought me here once -- to discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick."
  • (Mark Heap) "Sh. A dwarf may hear you --"
  • (Mark Heap) "Erm -- you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse."
  • (Mark Heap) "Help."
  • (Mark Heap) "I need a wee."
  • (Mark Heap) "Confiscatio Secundum Tempore."
  • (Mark Heap) "Ah, I see you're in on Boyce's little joke."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "OW."
  • (Mark Heap) "Oh, I'm not as green as people who were born yesterday."
  • (Mark Heap) "All hail, thou Nursey Nymphet. Be mine."
  • (Mark Heap) "Boyce, kiss me. Give me the kiss of life."
  • (Oliver Chris) "No way. You're still breathing."
  • (Mark Heap) "You must revive me with the breath of your body."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Oh, God. Okay."
  • (Mark Heap) "What have you been eating?"
  • (Oliver Chris) "Kim."
  • (Mark Heap) "Do you want me to report you for that earring?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Only if I can report you for the moustache."
  • (Mark Heap) "Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes."
  • (Mark Heap) "Exactly."
  • (Dr. Angela Hunter) "Banter?"
  • (Mark Heap) "Yes."

Tamsin Greig as Dr. Caroline Todd

  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you'd sleep with?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Nope."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "How do you feel?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Really tired."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "That's perfectly normal, you're a Doctor."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I'm a Doctor. I'm starting a new job at 8.30 at a Hospital. I'm dirty and exhausted and people could die and it'll be your fault."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "All I've had so far are Psychopaths."
  • (Dr. Angela Hunter) "Ah, well, I'm not a Psychopath. HA HA HA HAAA. I'm not."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "That's rubbish because -- my school was Edwardian."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Guy's."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Boyce, you're friends with Mac and Guy. Who's the biggest scumbag?"
  • (Oliver Chris) "Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Guy? Why Guy?"
  • (Oliver Chris) "He once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A-cup."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "An egg cup?"
  • (Oliver Chris) "No, an A-cup, small puppies. He said it wasn't worth saving less than a handful."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Dear God."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Bye, bye, um, thanks for coming. Oh, oh, you were here? Well, thank you for coming."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Thank you, Dr Trodd, for inviting me to your party --"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I didn't know I did, but you were here and now you're going so that's all that matters."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I've been sick."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Oh, God. Oh, God."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Bye-bye then. I'll see you at work, okay?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "How was the interview?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Not sure -- think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Well I -- I think tone of voice is very important."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Is it, is it? Damn. s***. Excuse me, I have some patients to see."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "You should be with someone -- less nice."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Go away and think about how little sense that makes."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "That's not what I knew, actually. I just had some frankly weak material about an embarrassing middle name. I didn't know any of that stuff."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Ah."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I do now, though. What a lot of things I know. I'm a walking encyclopedia --"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "There are some Neurologists over there who might be able to help you."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I know I keep saying this, but I'll never drink again."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Don't get ill. We make you very sleepy and do terrible things to you."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Go away."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Shan't."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I am such a tit."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Yep. Yep."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "You don't have to agree with me."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "I was just being polite."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I've just seen the face of Jesus."
  • (Dr. Angela Hunter) "What did you do before Alcohol became the centre of your life?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Homework."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "You said you had a Spare Room, that was a lie."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "I have a Spore Room. I collect Spores from around the World."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "I'm assuming you've taken painkillers?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I want something stronger. I want the stuff you use -- to kill people."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Nope, saving all that for Guy."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "What happened the day of the accident?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "What accident?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Ooooooh. Bollocking s***bags."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Kissing in the toilet?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Yes -- who sang Kissing In The Toilets in 1978?"
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Er -- was it a young Geroge Michael?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Yes."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "f***ing hell, that was a guess."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "Kissing in the toilet; don't flush, it's lush --"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I don't know, I think I'd quite like to have a husband. He could shake the spiders from my shoes."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Did you just throw your breast at me?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "No. Do you want me to?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "No."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Do you want to come round my gaff?"
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Ooh, sounds rude."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "It's not rude."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "I'm not coming if it's not rude."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I don't think I like your tone tonight, Martin."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "f*** off."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Will you please stop eating the patient?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Jake's so positive. He says "Love like you've never been hurt, Work like you don't need the Money, and Dance like no-one's watching." I like that."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Yeah, Dance like no-one's watching."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Here's to goats with hooves. May they never fall off the mountain and break their spindly legs."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I do like him."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I see."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "In a non-professional way."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Ah."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "And I work with him every day so --"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "What?"
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Nothing. It's; er; you work with him every day?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Yeah."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "Guy?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "No."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "The other one?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Yeah."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "The; er; the one with the lion's mane?"
  • (Tamsin Greig) "I; w; yeah."
  • (Michelle Gomez) "I see. Well, Dr Trod, maybe you've had your chance with him. Maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else deserves to take priority. Maybe you should just STAY AWAY or pay the price. Mmm, mmm? Now maybe you should think about that. You've been warned, lady."
  • (Unnamed) "Mreow."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Where did you come from?"
  • (Director) "She is wasted, here."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Yes, all those vodka shots first thing in the morning."
  • (Director) "It's so rare you find someone like that. Face, yes. Voice, yes. Body, yes."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Yes, so rare to find someone with all three."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Aha. Where have you been, aren't you supposed to be back in theatre and I've been looking for you."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Here, no, and well done, you've found me. It's your turn to hide."

Pippa Haywood as Joanna Clore

  • (Pippa Haywood) "Did you say you were Asian? It would really help out my End of Year quotas. It's hard to tell in this light, might get away with it."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "My Father was one of the Gnomes of Zurich."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "What, really short?"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "I know you can't be a complete idiot or they wouldn't let you work here."
  • (Mark Heap) "-- I'm glad you're on my side."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "What are you doing?"
  • (Mark Heap) "It's all right. He's not real."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "And I suppose radiology is proper medicine then, is it?"
  • (Mark Heap) "I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer."
  • (Mark Heap) "Yes, it bloody is."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Maybe you shouldn't kill dwarfs with Herons."
  • (Mark Heap) "Maybe you shouldn't hide dwarfs under people's desks."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Well, at least I don't look like a girl."
  • (Dr. Macartney) "Ah, touche, touche --"
  • (Unnamed) "Name? I can't just put "Lanky woman who hasn't learned how to take proper precautions in her forty years on Earth"?"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Er --"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Harriet Schulenberg."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't go. I think I love you."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again."
  • (Mark Heap) "I, I, I wish people would leave a name."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "What kind of masked kidnapper are you?"
  • (Mark Heap) "Well, one who is loath to contravene local bye-laws, actually."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "And I found my number crumpled up in her hand on the page of a novel. That's what L'Air du Temps means to me."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "If you fancy a just say so."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "God, you've changed your tune."
  • (Mark Heap) "Yes, I march to a different tune."
  • (Mark Heap) "La la la la la la-la-laaa, la la la la --"

Oliver Chris as Boyce

  • (Oliver Chris) "You can't make me laugh -- by poking me."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Marty."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Boycey."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Marty."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Boycey."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Marty."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Boycey."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Marty."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Boycey."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Marty."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Boycey."
  • (Oliver Chris) "STOP IT."
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "I've just pulled."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Really, who?"
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "Oh, a bit of office totty."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Mine says "Lowers sperm count" what does yours say?"
  • (Katie Lyons) ""May cause miscarriage""
  • (Oliver Chris) "If you're still standing after this one, I'll let you put your hand down my pants."
  • (Katie Lyons) "Oh, God."
  • (Sally Bretton) "Still standing --"
  • (Oliver Chris) "Guy, Mac's awake. He's come out of his coma, Guy."
  • (Dr. Guilaume Secretan) "That's great, if he's out of his coma, then I haven't murdered anybody."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Well, Dr. Statham, I'd quite like to see you after work."
  • (Mark Heap) "Ah, I don't know about that."
  • (Oliver Chris) "C'mon give me a hug."
  • (Mark Heap) "Let go."
  • (Oliver Chris) "No, I don't want to."
  • (Mark Heap) "Let go."
  • (Oliver Chris) "I will if you say yes."
  • (Mark Heap) "Okay, yes."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Okay. Swing by the Tandoori Palace around seven."
  • (Mark Heap) "Oh, I can swing with the best of them, don't you worry about that."
  • (Oliver Chris) "You Pedant."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Direct hit."
  • (Oliver Chris) "Don't worry, Martin, it'll go straight through you. Like sweetcorn."

Olivia Colman as Harriet Schulenburg

  • (Olivia Colman) "But he's so Shiny."
  • (Olivia Colman) "Can you make the words pink?"
  • (Paterson Joseph) "For a boy?"
  • (Olivia Colman) "He's gay."
  • (Olivia Colman) "No."
  • (Mark Heap) "No, of course not. Who'd want me? I look like a broom. And who'd want to go out with a broom?"
  • (Olivia Colman) "A dustpan?"
  • (Mark Heap) "Yes, and where would one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?"
  • (Olivia Colman) "Well, my husband found me at evening classes."
  • (Olivia Colman) "I thought everyone seemed cheerful. Oh, God. I put flowers on Mother's grave --"
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "I love you and I always have."
  • (Olivia Colman) "I'm sorry is this a bad time?"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "No, Dr. Dear was just telling me something a patient said to him today. A psychiatric patient, obviously."

Darren Boyd as Jake

  • (Darren Boyd) "See that? That's Stickle Sense. It never leaves you."
  • (Darren Boyd) "I might get in trouble."
  • (Darren Boyd) "Okay, Joanna, now we're a bit more relaxed, I'd like to try something."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Well, hurry up, I do have an office to run."
  • (Darren Boyd) "Right, well, what I want you to do is imagine that all the recent unpleasantness is held in a little box deep inside."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Ah, yes, nice little box."
  • (Darren Boyd) "No, well, we have to deal with things. So, on the count of three, I want you to open the box and deal with what's inside. One -- two --"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "AHH. AHHH. AHHHH."
  • (Darren Boyd) "No, well --"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "AHH."
  • (Darren Boyd) "Okay, close the box."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "AHHH."
  • (Darren Boyd) "Close the box."
  • (Pippa Haywood) "AHHH."
  • (Darren Boyd) "CLOSE THE BOX. No, you don't want that. Let's just try to relax --"
  • (Darren Boyd) "Well, you did that very well, thank you."
  • (Tamsin Greig) "Oh, no, don't be so nice. At least get angry or shout or something."
  • (Darren Boyd) "No, I'm not going to get angry and shout about BEING STRUNG ALONG BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEIR OWN MIND, WHO EVERYONE CAN SEE WHO SHE SHOULD BE WITH BUT HER because shouting never really solves anything, does it?"
  • (Darren Boyd) "Just one second."
  • (Darren Boyd) "Right, I'm going to have a second glass of that lovely wine."

Sally Bretton as Kim Alabaster

  • (Sally Bretton) "What? Ol' "Big Pants", there?"
  • (Paterson Joseph) "Well, you did ask me whose I liked best --"
  • (Sally Bretton) "Erm, you do know that your goldfish is dead?"
  • (Pippa Haywood) "Yes, I know it's dead, it's supposed to be dead, I bought it dead. That way I can look at it and say "You're dead and I'm not, you stupid fish.""
  • (Sally Bretton) "Be careful when giving out personal details, you never know where they'll end up."
  • (Sally Bretton) "He's not worth it, Karen."
  • (Lucinda Raikes) "He is."
  • (Sally Bretton) "He's not."
  • (Lucinda Raikes) "Yes he is."
  • (Sally Bretton) "He's got pink trousers on, Karen."
  • (Lucinda Raikes) "I like them."
  • (Sally Bretton) "Why are you hiding under your desk?"
  • (Lucinda Raikes) "I thought I saw a Clanger."
  • (Katie Lyons) "Poop-poop poop poop poop."

Lucinda Raikes as Karen Ball

  • (Lucinda Raikes) "Have a Chocolate Cock, they're quite cheering."
  • (Lucinda Raikes) "Damn my furry face."

Sally Phillips as Holly Hawkes

  • (Sally Phillips) "I like your hoodie. Those are illegal in this country, you know."

Katie Lyons as Naughty Rachel

  • (Katie Lyons) "Kiss me. I took it too far, didn't I?"
  • (Katie Lyons) "What are you doing?"
  • (Dr. Martin Dear) "I'm lurking."
  • (Katie Lyons) "Oooh, Karen, Dr Martin Dear isn't-he-queer is on his way."
  • (Lucinda Raikes) "Oh my God. How do I look?"
  • (Katie Lyons) "-- Rough."

Daisy Haggard as Emmy

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