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Half Baked Quotes

Half Baked is a television program that debuted in 1970 . Half Baked stopped airing in 1970.

It features Robert Simonds as producer, Alf Clausen in charge of musical score, and Steven Bernstein (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Half Baked is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Half Baked is 82 minutes long. Half Baked is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: Guillermo Díaz as Scarface, Jim Breuer as Brian, Dave Chappelle as Thurgood Jenkins, Harland Williams as Kenny, Clarence Williams III as Samson Simpson, Tommy Chong as Squirrel Master, Jon Stewart as Enhancement Smoker, Stephen Baldwin as McGayver Smoker, Laura Silverman as Jan, Rachel True as Mary Jane Potman, and Dave Chappelle as I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker.

Half Baked Quotes

Dave Chappelle as Thurgood Jenkins

  • (Dave Chappelle) "I love weed, LOVE IT. Probably always will. But not as much as I love p*****. The end."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "I've heard people say you don't get high the first time you smoke. Not me. No-o, not us. WE were really, REALLY high. We was to' up."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Abba Zaba, you my only friend."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Smoke-Alot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous, he told me about his lawyer --"
  • (Sir-Smoke-Alot) "He had sex with my momma. Why?"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Spirituality --"
  • (Sir-Smoke-Alot) "God, if you listenin', help --."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "His bad back --"
  • (Sir-Smoke-Alot) "The doctor said I need a backiotomy."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "His love life --"
  • (Sir-Smoke-Alot) "I'm impotent, man. Get away from me, biatch."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "I mean, talk about a guy with problems."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Oh my goodness. Now that is a titty. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout."
  • (Jim Breuer) "Bully. That's a certified fully."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know. My grandfather was in the Tuskegee experiments."
  • (Scientist) "Oh really --"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around, especially when it comes to reefer."
  • (McGayver Friend) "Hey, man, we're out of papers."
  • (Stephen Baldwin) "All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil."
  • (McGayver Friend) "We don't have a corkscrew."
  • (Stephen Baldwin) "All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel."
  • (Stephen Baldwin) "Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "This weed was the shiz-nittlebam snip-snap-sack."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat?"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "It was the summer before 9th grade, and there was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface, and of course the lovable Old James -- hold on, wait a minute -- Old James -- Old James wasn't there -- I don't even know nobody named Old James."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "I don't do drugs, though. Just weed."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you're interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something --"
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "OOH. MOTHER f***ER SAID ICE CREAM."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Damn."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "I'm sexy. I'm a scholar. People like me."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "This money is not for spending, it's for saving. Kenny's sweet virgin ass. You guys spend one more dime I swear I will bitch slap you. Gimme that."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "I'm sorry for yelling. But I'm serious."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Samson -- it's Sheila -- M-Momma fell --"
  • (Clarence Williams III) "Shut up, bitch."
  • (The Guy on the Couch) "Hey, is it January?"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "No, it's August."
  • (The Guy on the Couch) "Really?"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out."
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?"
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "I'll get Billy Bong Thornton."
  • (Jim Breuer) "No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "I love weed, LOVE IT. But not as much as I love p*****."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Would you like to hear some of my poetry?"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Not really, no."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I -- I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ""
  • (Dave Chappelle) "You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke"
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Custodian, dick."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "And then you got your straight-up potheads. You can spot these people by their lack of motivation, mood swings, forgetfulness and, of course, the dreaded low sperm count."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "You can get this stuff at little corner stores called "bodegas." Say it with me,"
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Bodegas. Yes, very good."

Jim Breuer as Brian

  • (Jim Breuer) "Hey, Jan -- will you be my girlfriend?"
  • (Laura Silverman) "Well, I would, but I'm gay. I'm a big dyke."
  • (Jim Breuer) "Oh. What's that like?"
  • (Jim Breuer) "Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five."
  • (Unnamed) "Ugh-huh, he autographed it himself."
  • (Jim Breuer) "All right, I'll give you four."
  • (Jim Breuer) "You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Obviously you missed the whole point of that story, Brian."
  • (Jim Breuer) "For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Who the f*** told you that?"
  • (Jim Breuer) "The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?"
  • (Jim Breuer) "No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother."
  • (Jim Breuer) "What happened, man?"
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me. 'Cause they said they was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy. So they probably ruffed The Guy up, then they started going to war with the apartment. They got num-chuks, bolos, they be doin' Indian burns -- and Killer paid the price, yo. You know, he got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num-chuks, yo."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey. You paying attention?"
  • (Jim Breuer) "No."
  • (Jim Breuer) "I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and -- FLIP OUT man -- all I wanna know is -- who's coming with me? Who's coming, man? Who's coming with me?"

Guillermo Díaz as Scarface

  • (Guillermo Díaz) "I got it. Why don't we sell that weed that we smoked earlier."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "We suggested that already."
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "For real, B?"
  • (Unnamed) "Marijuana affects the memory."
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, you're cool, and f*** you, I'm out."
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "Yo I'm Cuban, B."
  • (Clarence Williams III) "Yes, Cuban B."
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is --"
  • (Jim Breuer) "-- f***ing impossible, man."
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "ABRACADABRA, B."

Harland Williams as Kenny

  • (Harland Williams) "No. NO. NO. Devil man. Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast. No. Naughty. Naughty jungle of love."
  • (Harland Williams) "In eleven days I'm as good as skewered. Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?"
  • (Harland Williams) "You guys gotta get me out of here. There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish. Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch."
  • (Harland Williams) "I love horses. I love horses."
  • (Horse Cop) "I love horses."
  • (Harland Williams) "I love Butterstuff."
  • (Horse Cop) "Buttercup. Say it."
  • (Harland Williams) "Butternuts."
  • (Horse Cop) "Cup, cup cup."
  • (Harland Williams) "Cup."
  • (Harland Williams) "I didn't know that horse was a diabetic."

Rachel True as Mary Jane Potman

  • (Rachel True) "My father's a drug dealer."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "Wow, that must've been the s***."
  • (Rachel True) "It ruined his life."
  • (Dave Chappelle) "That must've been s***ty."

Clarence Williams III as Samson Simpson

  • (Clarence Williams III) "I'm going to kill your little Mexican friend"
  • (Guillermo Díaz) "I'm Cuban, B."
  • (Clarence Williams III) "Ahhh, yes. Cuban Bee."

Tommy Chong as Squirrel Master

  • (Tommy Chong) "Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch."
  • (Nasty Nate) "Better watch your back Fish. Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail -- FRUIT."
  • (Harland Williams) "Here take it."
  • (Harland Williams) "I'm somebody's bitch."

Jon Stewart as Enhancement Smoker

  • (Jon Stewart) "You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill -- on weed? Oh, there's some crazy s***, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno. RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO."

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