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Head Office Quotes

Head Office is a television show that was first aired in 1970 . Head Office ended its run in 1970.

It features Debra Hill as producer, James Newton Howard in charge of musical score, and Gerald Hirschfeld as head of cinematography.

Head Office is recorded in English language and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Head Office is 90 min long. Head Office is distributed by TriStar Pictures.

Head Office Quotes

  • (Unnamed) "This is death. Let's get the hell out of here."
  • (Unnamed) "Jack, what are you doing?"
  • (Unnamed) "Max, this is a great opportunity for us. There's TV news cameras out there."
  • (Unnamed) "Jack, get back in the car. Get back in the car."
  • (Unnamed) "Sal, I'm going out there. Keep the motor running."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm not going to do that, sir. The motor could heat up or --"
  • (Unnamed) "Sal, do me a favor."
  • (Unnamed) "What's that, sir?"
  • (Unnamed) "Don't call me "sir". These people are gonna think I'm in charge here. Call me Max."
  • (Unnamed) "Max. Sure, no problem -- Max."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm an optimist, Colonel. I look down there and see if there's anything else for me to buy."
  • (Unnamed) "Two in one morning."
  • (Unnamed) "Welcome to the world of big business, Jack."
  • (Unnamed) "Max, I came as soon as you called. What happened?"
  • (Unnamed) "They fired him this morning."
  • (Unnamed) "I'll kill myself. My whole life, my career, my future was at INC. I know, I'll shoot my brains out. Make it easier. No problem for anybody just -- bang."
  • (Unnamed) "Apparently, a letter with his card enclosed was dropped off yesterday afternoon at the office of a major Saudi oil company that we do a lot of business with. It said that INC wouldn't boycott the Israelis and that the Saudis could go screw themselves."
  • (Unnamed) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, the shiek freaked out and Dantley had to kiss a whole lot of Saudi ass to cool him off and they insisted that Rabinovich be fired."
  • (Unnamed) "Who the hell would have put Rabinovich's card in a nasty letter like --"
  • (Unnamed) "That's no longer an issue Jack. Don't get involved with something that doesn't concern you if you want to survive here at INC."
  • (Unnamed) "Sid? Frank Steadman here. I'm dead. I'm finnished. Heath Swary wouldn't have announced this move until Christmas. It's the headline in the god****ed Wall Street Journal. The FCC is gonna want to know why I sold 50,000 Allenville shares the day before we torpeded the plant. I could go to jail. What -- no I can't hold. Don't put me on hold. Sid? Sid? Crap."
  • (Unnamed) "Sal, would you get this thing moving?"
  • (Unnamed) "We're stuck in a traffic jam, sir. I'm not the great Houdini."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, blow your horn like everyone else."
  • (Unnamed) "Only a fool blows his horn in a traffic jam, sir."
  • (Unnamed) "We have a very nasty terrorist problem in San Marcos, don't we, Senator?"
  • (Unnamed) "Mm-hmm."
  • (Unnamed) "If the army had the guns, we just might be able to stop the killing."
  • (Unnamed) "It's a bitch of a problem, isn't it, Jack?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, actually, I've been reading that it's the army that's doing most of the killing."
  • (Unnamed) "Ha."
  • (Unnamed) "Jack, the army has been busting its ass to eliminate the murder and the torture and the human rights violations down there."
  • (Unnamed) "Left-wing terrorists fire-bombed our 26th Mr. Chicken franchise just yesterday."
  • (Unnamed) "The Marxists are denying the people of Latin America their right to eat Mr. Chicken. And, they're denying Mr. Chicken his human right to franchise and make a profit."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, I sure as hell don't want some made-in-Moscow Mr. Cabbage Roll shoved down my throat against my will."
  • (Unnamed) "Absolutely. Those peasants deserve the dignity and human right to eat Mr. Chicken when and where they please."
  • (Unnamed) "And Jack, when that right is threatened in the Western Hemisphere, it becomes a national security issue for the United States of America. We're talking of the very survival of the entire concept of internationally franchised chicken, Jack. You've got work to do."
  • (Unnamed) "Do you know what this is, Mr. Issel?"
  • (Unnamed) "Is this a trick question?"
  • (Unnamed) "Lesson No.4: the secret to survival here is never make a decision."
  • (Unnamed) "Never?"
  • (Unnamed) "Never. The minute you do, you're screwed."
  • (Unnamed) "Since the 1984 oil discovery in New Guinea, we have sold the Bu.kais hill tribesmen 20 of our S-24 fighters. At $21 million per unit, that's $252 million. This has started a local arms race between the Bu.kais, and their local neighbors the Kla.klalas. Now the Kla.klalas also happen to be sitting an a large amount of oil. And now the Kla.klalas want to buy 20 of our new Slash X-Ray Ultra Pursuit fighters for a total of $480 million."
  • (Unnamed) "What are the chances of war between them?"
  • (Unnamed) "Very good sir. Our spare parts replacement contracts could be very lucrative."
  • (Unnamed) "Who trains their flight personnel?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, as near as we can assess it -- well, they don't actually fly the planes. They sort of roll them down hills, crashing them into each other."
  • (Unnamed) "Personally, I think that it's a shameful waste of incredible kill power."
  • (Unnamed) "Make the deal."
  • (Unnamed) "Absolutely."
  • (Unnamed) "Look, what are you people trying to do to me? I have a $75,000 Mercedes Benz in the shop that's leaking more oil than Poland. I've got a dead father-in-law who's pissed off that he can't have a semi-plot to be buried in, and I've got a cat in the hospital at $100 a day; I could put him up at the Hyatt for 75. You guys are killing me up here. I'm dying. I'm dying."
  • (Unnamed) "I love this business."
  • (Unnamed) "Okay now, what do you say Jack?"
  • (Unnamed) "I say that you two guys, are two of the biggest assholes I've ever met."
  • (Unnamed) "You're way out of line, Mister Issel."
  • (Unnamed) "Jack, for heaven's sake, this is an important foreign policy issue at stake here."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't give me this "foreign policy" stuff. I call it contemptible horse s***, sir. You just want to buy yourselves a country like as if it was a stolen TV set. Then, you launder hot goods and dirty dealings through something you call "foreign policy." My God, America's a democracy. We're not some international fried chicken chain."
  • (Unnamed) "There goes Helmes now. I'm fired. I'm gone, I'm finished."
  • (Unnamed) "Al, you're imagining things."
  • (Unnamed) "At Friday's meeting with Helmes, he didn't make eye contact with me once. It's a sign, I'm f***ing dead in this company."
  • (Unnamed) "You're crazy."
  • (Unnamed) "Crazy?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, paranoid."
  • (Unnamed) "Paranoid? You got your god**** bag of pecans this week from Helmes, I didn't get any bag of --"
  • (Unnamed) "But what does that have to do with --"
  • (Unnamed) "I'm dead in this company."
  • (Unnamed) "In the old days, I'd have had that son of a bitch in cement and thrown into the river faster than you can say Henry Ford."
  • (Unnamed) "Unfortunately, these are the post-Watergate 1980s."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, then shoot him."
  • (Unnamed) "Killing Jack Issel isn't a wise idea, sir."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm one of the most powerful men in this world, and if I can't have someone shot, then what the hell does it mean to have power anymore?"
  • (Unnamed) "Hey. What the hell are you doing? Put it down. Down."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, all I know is what is on the work order."
  • (Unnamed) "Why are you doing this? Who told you to do this to me?"
  • (Unnamed) "Someone said that the guy in here just died."
  • (Unnamed) "Died? Do I look dead? What the hell do you mean "died"?"
  • (Unnamed) "Do I look dead?"
  • (Unnamed) "Uh -- not to me, sir."
  • (Unnamed) "This is Jack Issel. He's starting here today --"
  • (Unnamed) "Out of my frickin' way."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, you are just screwing your way to the top, aren't you?"
  • (Unnamed) "I wouldn't be much of an executive if I screwed my way to the bottom. Would I?"
  • (Unnamed) "Exactly what is our side of the Allenville story?"
  • (Unnamed) "Were losing money hand over fist."
  • (Unnamed) "That's not true."
  • (Unnamed) "No, but it's our side of the story. Lesson No.55: there are no truths, only stories."
  • (Unnamed) "I didn't get this job because I'm a moron -- I got this job because IIIIIIIII'm NOT a moron."
  • (Unnamed) "Women rise so much in this compay. But I intend on going to the top. As Mr. Gross' replacement as head of public relations, you will work for me now and report all work to me. By the way, I wanted to inform you that you've been promoted to executive vice president of external relations."
  • (Unnamed) "But this is just my first week."
  • (Unnamed) "Then you must have good friends upstairs. But don't give your hopes up. It's basically the same job you had in the complaints department but with 10% more salary and 90% more responsibility."
  • (Unnamed) "Is this for me?"
  • (Unnamed) "It's just a complaint."
  • (Unnamed) "What is the Allenville 25,000?"
  • (Unnamed) "That's the population of a small town upstate that's fighting to have their textile plant stay open. We're closing the plant at the end of this week and all employees will be layed off."
  • (Unnamed) "So?"
  • (Unnamed) "So I was thinking if we can find a way to keep the plant open and find some securities for the workers."
  • (Unnamed) "Very good. Write up a report."
  • (Unnamed) "Write up a report?"
  • (Unnamed) "Mr. Dantley appreciates all the necessary information before he makes a major decision. Information is power, Jack."
  • (Unnamed) "I agree. Absolutely."
  • (Unnamed) "Did you want something else?"
  • (Unnamed) "Uh -- no ma'am."
  • (Unnamed) "Mr. Younge's on line three. He's just seen the campaign. He sounds upset."
  • (Unnamed) "Tell him to hold."
  • (Unnamed) "Mr. Raybeck is on four. He's also seen the campaign. He also sounds upset."
  • (Unnamed) "Tell Raybeck to hold."
  • (Unnamed) "Your wife's on five from the hospital. Her father just passed away."
  • (Unnamed) "Tell my wife to hold."
  • (Unnamed) "Your mechanic's on six. He wants to talk to you abour your Mercedes. That's all."
  • (Unnamed) "Put my mechanic on."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey Marv, how you doing?"
  • (Mechanic) "I'm good. You?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, I'm great. You guys are great. So, is my car going to be ready for me to pick up this afternoon or what?"
  • (Mechanic) "No, I'm afraid it has suddenly sprung a leak with engine oil from the motor and your car is gonna need a whole new transmission. I'm talking a price of $2,500."
  • (Unnamed) "Twenty-five-hundred? What are you talking about? I just brought it in this morning for an oil change and it was running fine."
  • (Mechanic) "No -- but there are other problems too with the motor and alternator -- we're talking a price of around $4,000."
  • (Unnamed) "Wait wait wait, a minute. You think you can overcharge me with that car. I just bought that car last year and if you can't put a cork in the leak than that simple work -- wait, you're crazy thinking that I'm gonna help your struggling garage just to help your whole god**** dealership there? You're crazy. I've brought in 15 -- 25 god**** oil changes this year. That's under waranty with that transmission. I work in this office all day long. I'm 35 years old and I'm the head of this division. I'm gonna have a god**** heart attack trying to pay for this car."
  • (Unnamed) "Lesson No.1: beware of the furniture movers. When the axe falls, they're usually the first to know. People see them coming and they s***."
  • (Unnamed) "You're related to Senator Issel, is that right? Am I correct?"
  • (Unnamed) "No."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, I am."
  • (Unnamed) "Son of a bitch."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm his son."
  • (Unnamed) "Lying god**** bastard."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't you think it's strange, Max? They keep promoting me. I don't do anything."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, did you know that the Japanese are working on some kind of micro orgasm. Soon, you'll be able to have group sex on a silicon chip no bigger than my fingernail."
  • (Unnamed) "Max. You're not taking me seriously. This place is totally bananas. Any normal person would have quit a long time ago."
  • (Unnamed) "Relax, what are you worried about? Helms has his eye on you. You're in line for another big promotion."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah, as soon as somebody drops dead, or jumps, or maybe I'm supposed to pull the trigger myself. There're really doing it up there, Max. They're rigging things up. For what?"
  • (Unnamed) "For money and power Jack. It's the American way. Lesson No.79: when the tough get going, the weak get screwed."
  • (Unnamed) "I can't play it like that."
  • (Unnamed) "It's the only way to play it Jack."
  • (Unnamed) "What about you? You're not like the rest of them. How do you survive it?"
  • (Unnamed) "I just go with the flow. I flipped out years ago. I only look sane, but I'm not. The secret is you have to be crazy to maintain your sanity up here. But you're sane, Jack. That's why you're going crazy."
  • (Unnamed) "My tape. My Julio Iglesias tape."

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