Heavyweights Quotes

Heavyweights is a television show that was first aired in 1970 . Heavyweights completed its run in 1970.

It features Roger Birnbaum as producer, J. A. C. Redford in charge of musical score, and Victor Hammer (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Heavyweights is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Heavyweights is 100 minutes long. Heavyweights is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Ben Stiller as Tony Perkis, Tom Hodges as Lars, Kenan Thompson as Roy, Shaun Weiss as Josh, Aaron Schwartz as Gerry, Tom McGowan as Pat Finley, David Goldman as Nicholas, Jeffrey Tambor as Maury Garner, Jeffrey Tambor as Mrs. Garner, Tim Blake Nelson as Roger Johnson, Leah Lail as Julie, Anne Meara as Alice Bushkin, Jerry Stiller as Harvey Bushkin, Joseph Wayne Miller as Sam, and Paul Feig as Tim.

Heavyweights Quotes

Kenan Thompson as Roy

• (Kenan Thompson) "You have one of those fish-and-chip farts there, Nicky?"

• (Kenan Thompson) "Headed to fat camp?"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "No -- Why do you say that?"
• (Kenan Thompson) "'Cause your fat -- 'That your dad?"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "No -- W-why do you say that?"
• (Kenan Thompson) "'Cause he's fat too."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Well, so are you."
• (Kenan Thompson) "I know, that's why I'm going to fat camp. I'm Roy."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "I'm Gerry. Yeah I guess I am going to fat camp."
• (Kenan Thompson) "I knew it. And that's your dad too, right?"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Hell no."
• (Kenan Thompson) "Well you're gonna love camp, man, camp is awesome. Plus, nobody picks on you because YOUR not the fat kid, EVERYBODY'S the fat kid. Just stick with me, Gerry, because I'm the man."

• (Kenan Thompson) "Lars? What kind of name is that? Where you from?"
• (Tom Hodges) "-- Far Away."

• (Kenan Thompson) "Josh. Somebody gonna die today."
• (Shaun Weiss) "Call 911."

• (Kenan Thompson) "Funny Josh. But really man, what happened? Talk to us."
• (Shaun Weiss) "Josh was bad."
• (Kenan Thompson) "Oh man. Oh jeez."
• (Shaun Weiss) "Josh now good."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Good? Wha -- what do you mean?"
• (Shaun Weiss) "Must be --"
• (Shaun Weiss) "good to see my big ass again."

• (Kenan Thompson) "Josh, How ya doing man? I just saw the new nurse and she is -- very attractive."
• (Shaun Weiss) "This pleases me."

Ben Stiller as Tony Perkis

• (Ben Stiller) "All you need is Mother Earth, Father Sky, and your dear old Uncle Tony."

• (Ben Stiller) "You've been a good guard, Nicholas. Fair and strong. I want to reward you with this chocolate kiss."
• (David Goldman) "Throw it over."
• (Ben Stiller) "Then it would smoosh -- we wouldn't want that."
• (Ben Stiller) "Looks like London Bridge is falling down."

• (Ben Stiller) "Kids, at age 12, I weighed 319 pounds. I had bad skin, low self-esteem, and no self-respect. Now, I eat success for breakfast, with skim milk."
• (David Goldman) "Ugh."

• (Ben Stiller) "No dinner, no lunch, no breakfast. How does that grab you? Hmm?"

• (Ben Stiller) "Kiss the ground, joker-boy."
• (Shaun Weiss) "Hey, would you get your foot off my back?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Shut up."

• (Ben Stiller) "Only film the ones that are standing Kenneth."

• (Ben Stiller) "Can you smell it? There's a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room, and I see potential."
• (Ben Stiller) "I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company."
• (Ben Stiller) "I see a famous rap artist."
• (Ben Stiller) "I see the president of the United States of America."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "He's from England."

• (Ben Stiller) "Time to wake up, campers. Today is evaluation day. The key word here is 'value.' Do you have any? Not yet. But before summer's over, this camp's gonna be filled with skinny winners."
• (Kenan Thompson) ""Skinny weiners?" You hear that, guys?"

• (Ben Stiller) "Let me make something very clear: The PerkiSystem does not work with cheaters like Gerald Garner. OK? How can I sell an infomercial about fat kids who can't keep their piggy little snouts shut? Hmm? Who's gonna buy that, huh?"

• (Ben Stiller) "Oh look. A deli meat."

• (Ben Stiller) "Congratulations, you've just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity."

• (Ben Stiller) "Oh yes that was wonderful. So entertaining. The cinematography, the editing techniques. Though I must say, the villain, was a bit -- over the top."

• (Ben Stiller) "Attention campers the topic for tonight's discussion is, "Liposuction: Option or Obsession.""

• (Ben Stiller) "Josh Birnbaum. Step on the scale, son. All right."
• (Ben Stiller) "Get off the scale."

• (Ben Stiller) "Hey. Who wants to be on T.V. hhmm? That's Kenny the Camera Man."

• (Ben Stiller) "Repulse the monkey -- part the wild horse's mane."

• (Ben Stiller) "You picked the wrong man to mess with."
• (Shaun Weiss) "Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man."

• (Ben Stiller) "First we're going to take an hour meditation break. Then we're going to climb that 1000-foot rock face over there with our bare hands and feet. I know you can do it, I have faith in you. But for now, observe the silence of the chi."

Aaron Schwartz as Gerry

• (Aaron Schwartz) "It's a fat camp. Are you crazy? No way. I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads."
• (Jeffrey Tambor) "Gerry."
• (Tim Blake Nelson) "Now that's not kind, Gerry."
• (Jeffrey Tambor) "We're doing this for your own good. We gatta nip this thing in the bud."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "I'm fine. This is a joke right? You're fatter than I am why don't you go to fat camp."
• (Jeffrey Tambor) "You show your father some respect."
• (Jeffrey Tambor) "First I think we should have a little pow-wow, and then we will call you with our decision."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "I'll give you my decision right now. I'm not going."

• (Aaron Schwartz) "Don't tell anyone, but I uh -- snuck in some oreos. Just in case."
• (Shaun Weiss) "That was very sneaky of you, Gerry. Chipmunks. Download. Now."

• (Aaron Schwartz) "Let's go get everybody and kick his ass."

• (Aaron Schwartz) "Dear Grandma -- someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad --"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "-- but even worse --"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "-- today he killed the Blob."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "As for the go-karts, well -- may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care."
• (Jeffrey Tambor) "I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp."
• (Ben Stiller) "Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it --"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Tony Perkis tries to lead by example --"
• (Ben Stiller) "This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day. All right, do it to it, Lars."
• (Tom Hodges) "It's my honor, Tony."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "-- but we're afraid to follow."
• (Ben Stiller) "I know each and every one of you; because I WAS you."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us."
• (Unnamed) "You STINK. You STINK. You STINK. You STINK. HA ha ha ha ha ha ha."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "At night --"
• (Aaron Schwartz) "-- they vandalize our camp."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "At least Josh got out -- where there's food. We have to resort -- to more desperate measures."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp -- so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry."

Tom Hodges as Lars

• (Tom Hodges) "I'm feeling skinny Tony."

• (Tom Hodges) "Hello, I am your new friend and counselor. Please insists about wearing your Perkins System uniforms. Your families will be billed automatically. Now, lets play a fun game that helps us learn each others names."
• (Shaun Weiss) "We already know each others names."
• (Tom Hodges) "Silence."

• (Tom Hodges) "Huh very fat I see."

• (Tom Hodges) "I have them on the "body" system."
• (Leah Lail) "The "body" system?"
• (Tom Hodges) "Yeah, the body system."
• (Tom Hodges) "BODY."
• (Unnamed) "BUDDY."
• (Tom Hodges) "BODY."
• (Unnamed) "BUDDY."
• (Tom Hodges) "BODY."
• (Unnamed) "BUDDY."
• (Leah Lail) "Oh. 'Buddy'."

• (Tom Hodges) "Hey, don't pee in the water."
• (Tom Hodges) "Hey, don't drink the water, he peed in it."

• (Tom Hodges) "Now, its time to meet your new owner and operator. Tony Perkis is a man who believes in you. His life is dedicated to saying things like "YES." and "You better believe it." Entrepenuer, a motivator, and a new friend. May I introduce, TONY PERKIS."

• (Tom Hodges) "Now, I must inform you; I have a severely deviated septum. When I sleep I make a very disturbing sound -- Don't be alarmed, I am fine. Now. Go to sleep --"

• (Tom Hodges) "AHHHHHH."
• (Dawson) "Shut up. Hey Lars, guess what? We're in charge now. You know what we found out? We found out that if you don't have a job"
• (Dawson) "You get deported. So Lars, buddy, you with us, or against us?"
• (Tom Hodges) "I'm with you."
• (Tom Hodges) "I love you."

• (Tom Hodges) "I was not scared of that big deer."

Tom McGowan as Pat Finley

• (Tom McGowan) "Hey Sam don't lean your head out the window. We lost a couple kids like that last summer. I'm not going to go back and pick it up again."
• (Joseph Wayne Miller) "Who wants my head? I don't need it anyway."

• (Tom McGowan) "Are you ready for the best damn summer of your life?"
• (Unnamed) "YEAH."
• (Tom McGowan) "Yeah and is everybody going to behave themselves this summer?"
• (Unnamed) "NOOOOOO."
• (Tom McGowan) "Good, that's what I expect."

• (Tom McGowan) "Did you talk to child services?"
• (Leah Lail) "Yeah, they said they'd like to come out and investigate but they can't come for two weeks."
• (Tom McGowan) "That's too long. Tim, what did your lawyer say?"
• (Paul Feig) "No hard evidence."
• (Tom McGowan) "Hard evidence? Tony's hard evidence, just look at the guy."
• (Paul Feig) "It's what the lawyer said."

• (Tom McGowan) "Who wants to tell us the lesson we learned here?"
• (Kenan Thompson) "Don't put Twinkies on your pizza."

Shaun Weiss as Josh

• (Shaun Weiss) "The candy belongs to -- Seymour Butts."
• (Ben Stiller) "Seymour Butts? Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, hmm? Who's Seymour Butts?"
• (Shaun Weiss) "Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony."

Anne Meara as Alice Bushkin

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

David Goldman as Nicholas

• (David Goldman) "Oh, my. I didn't mean to."
• (Aaron Schwartz) "Just go."

• (David Goldman) "You Americans have NO sense of history."

Paul Feig as Tim

• (Paul Feig) "Guys you can't kidnap the owner of a camp, they give people the chair for things like this."

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