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How to Commit Marriage Quotes

How to Commit Marriage is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . How to Commit Marriage ended its run in 1970.

It features Bill Lawrence as producer, Joseph J. Lilley in charge of musical score, and Charles Lang as head of cinematography.

How to Commit Marriage is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of How to Commit Marriage is 95 minutes long. How to Commit Marriage is distributed by Cinerama Releasing Corporation.

The cast includes: Jackie Gleason as Oliver Poe, Tina Louise as Laverne Baker, Bob Hope as Frank Benson, Jane Wyman as Elaine Benson, Maureen Arthur as Lois Grey, Tim Matheson as David Poe, and Bob Hope as Nancy Benson.

How to Commit Marriage Quotes

Jackie Gleason as Oliver Poe

  • (Jackie Gleason) "I don't understand, you're giving a menial the star dressing room?"
  • (The Baba Ziba) "It is written that when the most humble enjoy the fruit then the wealthy become richer giving energy to those with all the benevolence upon and therefore to substantiate gives them the up-liberty for we, and the development of those that the umbilical upon those who we, and therefore many times over."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Superior wisdom -- from a superior mind."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "I got your offer. It's an insult for such a distinguished musical group like The Post-Nasal Drips. However, you can look at the Uncollected Trash, the Five Commandments, the Kumquats, the Horny Toads, or the Slime Benders."
  • (Pevney) "Are they any good?"
  • (Jackie Gleason) "They haven't taken a bath in three months."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "I'm the victim's father."
  • (Reverend Dempster) "This must be Mrs. Poe."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "No, but she's auditioning."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "What idiot group is in here?"
  • (Unnamed) "The new one, The Comfortable Chair."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "I got to get me one of those."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Wait a minute. What are you doing? Number one it sounds like music. I understand every word you're saying. Come on get with it."

Jane Wyman as Elaine Benson

  • (Jane Wyman) "Frank -- Frank. I want a divorce."

Tim Matheson as David Poe

  • (Tim Matheson) "Oliver, Nancy and I are going to get married."
  • (Bob Hope) "We love each other, Mr. Poe."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "That's Victorian bourgeois. I'll prove it you."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Laverne, are we sleeping together?"
  • (Tina Louise) "Yes, Oliver."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Do we love each other? Are we married?"
  • (Tina Louise) "Yes, dear. No, dear."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Case closed."
  • (Tim Matheson) "Nancy's parents are married."
  • (Bob Hope) "They've been happy for nineteen years."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "They're freaks."

Bob Hope as Frank Benson

  • (Bob Hope) "Oh, I believe you know, Lois."
  • (Jane Wyman) "If I didn't, I certainly do know."
  • (Maureen Arthur) "Well, it's nothing you couldn't buy."
  • (Bob Hope) "I'm in real estate."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "But not deep enough. I have a horrible feeling we've met before. Does 7719 Hillside Drive mean anything to you?"
  • (Bob Hope) "Isn't that a three bedroom, hillside colonial with patio, wet bar, and over-sized bay window? Nothing personal."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Tee-hee. You forgot to mention the hill in the back and the guaranteed retaining wall."
  • (Bob Hope) "Yeah, well -- I sell so many, I forget the details."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Twenty thousand tons of mud in a swimming isn't exactly a detail."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "The house was on a hill until it rained then the hill was on the house."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "That was twenty years ago and they're still digging to find the backyard."
  • (Bob Hope) "Lower your voice, Poe. This is a church not a street corner."
  • (Jackie Gleason) "Don't look down your nose at me you pompous, pious, prig. If I had known she was your daughter we wouldn't be standing here in two rented monkey suits waiting to sacrifice two nice kids on the alter of same ancient fertility rite."

Maureen Arthur as Lois Grey

  • (Maureen Arthur) "Mrs. Benson, you're husband is a very attractive man, but just for the record I'm not in the habit of meeting a gentleman in his office at one o'clock and sleeping with him in his bed at three thirty."
  • (Jane Wyman) "I never accused you of sleeping with a gentleman."

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