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How to Rob a Bank Quotes

How to Rob a Bank is a television show that first aired in 1970 . How to Rob a Bank ended its run in 1970.

It features Rick Lashbrook, Darby Parker, Arthur Sarkissian, Tim O'Hair as producer.

How to Rob a Bank is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of How to Rob a Bank is 81 minutes long. How to Rob a Bank is distributed by IFC First Take.

The cast includes: Gavin Rossdale as Simon, Erika Christensen as Jessica, Terry Crews as Officer Degepse, David Carradine as Nick, and Adriano Aragon as Officer Linstrom.

How to Rob a Bank Quotes

Gavin Rossdale as Simon

  • (Unnamed) "So, Simon, what's the deal? How do we do this?"
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "How do we do this? Right. You tell me what it is you want. I yield to your demands. Then I give you what's called a counter-offer. I'll give you part of what you want, but not everything. So I have a decent bargaining position to deliver what is what I want. Got it?"
  • (Unnamed) "I don't think I like your attitude."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "Thatta boy. Now you're beginning to get the feel."
  • (Unnamed) "I want my twenty bucks. And -- and -- safely out of here."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "What we have here is a symbiotic relationship. You want out, and I want in. And in the spirit of negotiation, I'd like to see you dead. You'd like to leave alive. So, let's just meet in the middle."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "Just go pretend to guard the guard."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "Let's start over."
  • (Unnamed) "That seems to be our theme around here."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "Hold on."
  • (Terry Crews) "We're holding. We're holding. No one's doing anything."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "No, I mean hold on. I got another call coming in."
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "If I see your men any closer than 25 yards, I'm putting holes through these walking body bags."

Erika Christensen as Jessica

  • (Unnamed) "What's this?"
  • (Erika Christensen) "That's what they call a cell phone."
  • (Erika Christensen) "Mind if I make a suggestion?"
  • (Unnamed) "Fine. Why not?"
  • (Erika Christensen) "Tell him I can open the door, but you won't allow me to until he guarantees you safe passage out."
  • (Unnamed) "She says she can open the door, but --"
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "I heard her. It's a good plan. I'll give you my guarantee. 100%."
  • (Erika Christensen) "Who's going to monitor a Duran Duran fan forum chatroom when there's real crime out on the streets?"
  • (Unnamed) "Wait a second. Did you just say Duran Duran?"
  • (Erika Christensen) "Yep."
  • (Unnamed) "Why not, uh, Zepplin?"
  • (Erika Christensen) "Everyone knows Zepplin is a forum for CIA Counter Terrorism."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh you've got to be effin' kidding me. Zepplin are spooks and Duran Duran are 80s pretty boy badass crime syndicate? That is just not right."
  • (Erika Christensen) "Huh."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't "huh" me. I'm supposed to be the "huh" guy."
  • (Unnamed) "You're lying."
  • (Erika Christensen) "No, he's not."
  • (Unnamed) "You're lying."
  • (Erika Christensen) "No, I'm not."
  • (Erika Christensen) "f***. That hurts you whiny little son of a bitch. I couldn't care less --"
  • (Unnamed) "Well then, skippy, if I wanted more verbal abuse I'd call some customer service center somewhere."
  • (Unnamed) "What was that? I didn't catch that last part. Was that "sorry for being a bitch"? "I'll be nice now"?"

David Carradine as Nick

  • (David Carradine) "Getting greedy with what you want to steal will only get you caught. You have to ask yourself why you think you can get away with it. Know why and the what, where and how will follow."
  • (David Carradine) "A tactical analysis? What would that currently be?"
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "f***ed."
  • (David Carradine) "Great."
  • (David Carradine) "Alright there, Columbo. You seem to be answering a lot of unasked questions for an innocent bystander. What the hell are you getting at?"
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, it's not for nothing, but I didn't ask to be locked in this frickin' vault. All I ever wanted was my twenty bucks. But no, some greedy bastard decided it was a great idea to increase his bank's profit margin, fire tellers to lower corporate costs, close branches, install endless ATM machines that charge my ass to kingdom come until I can't afford my own twenty bucks."
  • (David Carradine) "What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
  • (Unnamed) "I'm glad you asked. Insufficient funds means I had to walk my ass into the only Grant Liberty I can find to withdraw my money, but it was already having a large withdrawal made, i.e. being robbed, which was perfectly fine with me until some jackass pointed a gun at me. This guy gets all jumpy, tries to blow my head off. His gun jams, and I run for cover in this vault, which proceeds to lock behind me, locking me in this vault, where I literally run into some super hot chick, who I'm trapped with. Sounds great, except she she proceeded to punch me in the face, ruining my otherwise wonderfully boring day and wasting my pedantically precious time."
  • (David Carradine) "Hey, stop calling me."
  • (Unnamed) "No."
  • (David Carradine) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "No. I said no."
  • (David Carradine) "You can't just say no."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes I can. No. See?"
  • (David Carradine) "Anything in particular slowing things up?"
  • (Gavin Rossdale) "Like?"
  • (David Carradine) "Like some guy locking himself in the vault, who somehow has full knowledge of our identities, our cell numbers, and has the ability to dial 911, handing you a first-class pass to ass class in a federal penitentiary? That sort of thing?"
  • (David Carradine) "I'm going to put the cards on the table. You have something I need; information. Information my associates are no longer in a position to offer. I propose we adapt, evolve, roll some balls, and walk us right out of this quagmire. I'll cut to the chase; what do you want?"
  • (Unnamed) "My twenty bucks."
  • (David Carradine) "I'm sorry, did you say twenty bucks?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yep."
  • (David Carradine) "I don't want to be rude, but I think you might want to revise that number."
  • (Unnamed) "You think? Like, what?"
  • (David Carradine) "Like, look around you. I'd add a few zeroes to that twenty dollar figure of yours."
  • (David Carradine) "If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?"
  • (David Carradine) "What's the deal?"
  • (Unnamed) "That seems to be my theme ever since I've locked myself in this frickin' vault."
  • (David Carradine) "You have the wrong number."
  • (Unnamed) "You called me."
  • (David Carradine) "Right then -- um -- I had the wrong number. Sorry to trouble you. Bye."

Terry Crews as Officer Degepse

  • (Terry Crews) "Hang in there while we continue to try to establish communication with the suspects."
  • (Unnamed) "You want help?"
  • (Terry Crews) "Thank you, but we have the matter well at hand."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh you -- you have their phone number?"
  • (Terry Crews) "No. They usually try to establish contact with us sometime around this point."
  • (Unnamed) "Maybe you should just call them."
  • (Terry Crews) "Thank you for your advice, but we'll have to wait for them to communicate with us. Okay?"
  • (Unnamed) "Alrighty then, but if you need their number just holler and I'll give it to you."
  • (Terry Crews) "I need to know if you're still safe and secure."
  • (Unnamed) "You can say I'm safe."
  • (Terry Crews) "Now outline the situation, please."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm safe because I'm in the safe."
  • (Terry Crews) "I got the joke, sir."
  • (Terry Crews) "Do we have any injuries?"
  • (Erika Christensen) "We may have a fatality if somebody doesn't get his ass off me."
  • (Terry Crews) "How are you two holding up?"
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, I'm not holding up anything. That'd be the guys outside the vault."
  • (Terry Crews) "Okay then. What's your status?"
  • (Unnamed) "I think my status and your status are the same status. Sort of -- stuck status. Still locked in vault, unable to get out, surrounded by armed robbers who'd love to get in, and if they could get in the vault they certainly can't get out because they're surrounded by you who would love to throw them in prison, which, I don't think is part of their plan."
  • (Terry Crews) "What's the situation?"
  • (Unnamed) "I don't know. We're fine -- unless you count being locked in a vault with armed assholes outside of the door."
  • (Terry Crews) "Excuse me?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, no -- not you people."
  • (Terry Crews) "Excuse me?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh god. Tell me you're not black or something. I didn't mean to --"
  • (Terry Crews) "Yep. I'm black. You got it."

Adriano Aragon as Officer Linstrom

  • (Adriano Aragon) "Think he's trying to communicate with us, sir?"

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