Joe Dirt Quotes

Joe Dirt is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . Joe Dirt completed its run in 1970.

It features Adam Sandler as producer, Waddy Wachtel in charge of musical score, and John R. Leonetti as head of cinematography.

Joe Dirt is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Joe Dirt is 91 minutes long. Joe Dirt is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Erik Per Sullivan as Joe Dirt, Christopher Walken as Clem, Dennis Miller as Zander Kelly, Kid Rock as Robby, Hamilton Camp as Meteor Bert, Jaime Pressly as Jill, and Mitzi Martin as Miss Clipper.

Joe Dirt Quotes

Erik Per Sullivan as Joe Dirt

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Comin' to work. Joe Deertay."
• (KXLA Security Guard) "Don't try and church it up son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that your father must've really hated you."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You're wrong brother."
• (KXLA Security Guard) "I got a good name for this car, rusty."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "s***'ll buff out."
• (KXLA Security Guard) "Don't bother, just drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin' tires do you?"
• (KXLA Security Guard) "You suck."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You do."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "The guy doing the police sketches thought I was messing with him because my dad came out looking like Father Time and my mom came out looking too butch and looking way too much like Richard Ramirez. You know the Night Stalker, remember him?"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You're saying you have no black cats, Roman candles or screaming meemies? Come on. You don't got no ladyfingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs -- church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers?"
• (Kicking Wing) "No, I don't."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand -- and say you have no whistling bungholes -- spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, Hüsker Düs and don'ts. Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick -- or one single whistling kitty-chaser?"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name, but people say Joe Dirt's a weird name and how cool am I?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Hey to tell you the truth brother, between you and me, that thing with the dog is comin' off a little fruit-y. I mean that's just me talkin'. Hey, where's my supplies?"
• (Buffalo Bob) "Oh, for Christ's sake."
• (Buffalo Bob) "Here."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Wee, Auto Trader. Ooh August, I don't got this one."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Sir? Hey mister. You know the people who live here, Nunamaker?"
• (Old Cajun Man) "They move."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "W-what's that?"
• (Old Cajun Man) "Move. They move. 'bout -- 15 yea' ago. Had a lil' boy. Had same kinda haircut you got na'."
• (Old Cajun Man) "God da', you outta date boy."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me. My parent's were-this was my home. I though this was it this time."
• (Old Cajun Man) "Nah, home is where you make it."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Ya like ta see homos naked?"
• (Old Cajun Man) "Home is where you make it."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You like ta see homos naked, that's cool man, whatever."
• (Old Cajun Man) "No no no no. Home is where you MAKE it. Home, where you make it."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Oh."
• (Old Cajun Man) "Ev'body know dat. god****, boy."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly alligator. And yes, they are deadly, don't kid yaself. Rule number one, I'm number one. Ya hear that, I like ta kid around. Rule two, the croc's number two. Now before I begin --"
• (Unnamed) "Hey, what's rule three?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "What's that? Kid, give me a break now."
• (Unnamed) "So you don't know rule three?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Yeah, you want a match? My face and your ass. How 'bout that friend? Huh? I mean, your ass and my face, what's up?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Here we go, I'm a bit of a crocophile, so don't try this at home. This here's Rocky, and he ain't no puppy. Now, let's see if Rocky's got some cavities."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "This mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Oh, when bad pets go bad, dang."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "It's like the cartoons, I'm seein' all "tweet tweet"."
• (Charlene the Gator Farmer) "Joe, what can I do fa you? Ya not makin' any sense."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Not makin'? Not makin'?"
• (Joe's Little Sister) "That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Nunamaker. Nunamaker. That's what my sister said on the way to the Grand Canyon. My last name's Dirt, her last name's Nunamaker. That's my parents' last name."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Well today I'm gonna be pickin' up my Hemi Roadrunner. That's right, I said Hemi."
• (Jaime Pressly) "Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Yep, left it at a friend's house."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Actually, it got towed away two years ago."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "But I'm pickin' it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say?"
• (Jaime Pressly) "That's a big ten-four."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Life's a garden, dig it?"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis?"
• (Kicking Wing) "No."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?"
• (Kicking Wing) "No, I don't."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You're gonna stand there, ownin' a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser?"
• (Kicking Wing) "No -- because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "People like that security guard. They don't really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and what not. Alls I got to do is keep bein' a good person. No matter what, good things'll come my way. Everything's gonna happen for me, just so long as I never have no in my heart."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Right on. Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "This croc ain't no puppy."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Right on. You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "She's your sister dude she's gotta be and you made out with her man. What's wrong with you, you pervert."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Well I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You just said your sister's hot. What a fuhreak. You're goin' to hell man."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes, I gotta treat her like a sister."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "And you'll be sticking your head out the window and check out chic dogs saying 'what's up, baby?'"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Life's a garden, dig it."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Keep on, keepin' on"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin' and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Now, this ain't no flapjack, so I'm gonna be real careful, I won't look."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Luckily, my neck broke my fall."

• (Unnamed) "Hey Joe, did you use the one with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "They clean the bowl so you don't have toooooooooooo. Hehehe, no I didn't."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my ass and fight for air?"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Turn it up"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Things are gonna happen for me, I'm Joe Dirt."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "My name is Joe Dirte, I added an e to the end, cause it sounds cool."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
• (Jaime Pressly) "Sure will. Do you wanna go back to my place?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Sure do."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?"
• (Kicking Wing) "Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom."
• (Kicking Wing) "Why is that good?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Why did you do that to me? I was only eight years old; I was just a little kid. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to? No one that cares if you're alive or dead? Every day you just think you're worthless and there's a void in your life?"
• (Joe's Mom) "Oh, come on, honey."
• (Joe's Dad) "Lighten up, buddy."
• (Joe's Mom) "Lose that frown. When you're down, stare at a clown."
• (Joe's Dad) "That's right, boy."
• (Joe's Mom) "Hey, sit down. Sit down. You're blocking the cameras. The cameras can't see."
• (Joe's Dad) "Move over a bit."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "I don't care about that. AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS."
• (Joe's Dad) "Hey. What the hell are you doing?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "And I don't want to see you for another 25 years."
• (Reporter at Parent's House) "Joe, wait."
• (Joe's Mom) "My God. Oh, my clowns. Look at my clowns. I wish he never found us. Look what he did to my children. Oh, no. Hey. Hey, TV people. Hey, TV people."
• (Joe's Dad) "Hey, you're grounded. Where are you all going? Hey, come on. You don't have to follow him just because he's going."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "People say Joe Dirt's a weird name, and how cool am I."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "I; I; I don't mean to interrupt your clown pitch there, but; but how exactly do you not go right back to the place where you saw me?"
• (Joe's Dad) "Hey. How exactly is a rainbow made? How exactly does a sun set? How exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does."
• (Joe's Mom) "It just does."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "I'm not talking about a posi-trac; I'm talking about me. How long did you look for me before you gave up? How lone were you riding in that car before you realized I wasn't in it? Exactly how long?"
• (Joe's Dad) "All right. We didn't lose him; we just left him. So what? The dude's doing fine. Look at him."
• (Joe's Mom) "He look good."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you --"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown."

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Why don't you go practice fallin' down? I'll be there in a minute."
• (Railroad Boy #1) "You wanna fight you little queer?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Queer? Is this queer? These queer?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "What's up? What's up?"

• (Erik Per Sullivan) "I got the poo on me."

Hamilton Camp as Meteor Bert

• (Hamilton Camp) "Well, it ain't a meteor."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky."
• (Hamilton Camp) "Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol' frozen chunk o' s***."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "What?"
• (Hamilton Camp) "Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "No, that can't be. That's not what it is."
• (Hamilton Camp) "Oh, afraid so. See that peanut? Dead giveaway."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Uhhh, no, that's a space peanut."
• (Hamilton Camp) "No, afraid not. That just a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy."
• (Unnamed) "Dude, you were eating off it."

Kid Rock as Robby

• (Kid Rock) "Oh, Dirt, did I getcha?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "No, I'm cool."
• (Kid Rock) "No, you're not."

• (Kid Rock) "You all right Dirt?"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Yeah, I'm cool."
• (Kid Rock) "No you're not."

• (Kid Rock) "Least I know my car will blow his off the road."
• (Charlene the Gator Farmer) "You really think you can match that slant 6 of yours against this 426 hemi? Huh? Well then let's do it little boy."
• (Christopher Walken) "That's my girl."
• (Kid Rock) "Let's rock, Dirt-boy."
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Let's go."
• (Kid Rock) "Damn."

• (Kid Rock) "Def Leppard sucks."

Dennis Miller as Zander Kelly

• (Dennis Miller) "Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?"

• (Dennis Miller) "What's the story here, I'm a white trash idiot?"

• (Dennis Miller) "God Almighty, from inbred heaven? Hey freak boy, 1976 called. It wants its hairstyle back."

• (Dennis Miller) "Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe."

• (Dennis Miller) "Bob Seger? Come on, back then you were listenin' to Leif Garrett. It was probably more like this --"
• (Erik Per Sullivan) "Hell no, man I don't listen to that crap. I'm a rocker, dude through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep."

• (Dennis Miller) "What's the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?"

Christopher Walken as Clem

• (Christopher Walken) "Hey. You're talking to my guy all wrong. It's the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

• (Christopher Walken) "You're talking to me all wrong -- It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that."

Mitzi Martin as Miss Clipper

• (Mitzi Martin) "Well, the puke pile's over there. It's a pretty big pile of puke."

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