Knocked Up Quotes

Knocked Up is a television program that appeared on TV in 1970 . Knocked Up completed its run in 1970.

It features Judd Apatow, and Shauna Robertson; Clayton Townsend as producer, Loudon Wainwright III; Joe Henry in charge of musical score, and Eric Alan Edwards as head of cinematography.

Knocked Up is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Knocked Up is 129 minutes long. Knocked Up is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Leslie Mann as Debbie, Craig Robinson as Doorman, Seth Rogen as Ben Stone, Katherine Heigl as Alison Scott, Paul Rudd as Pete, Jay Baruchel as Jay, Jonah Hill as Jonah, Kristen Wiig as Jill, Tim Bagley as Dr. Pellagrino, Alan Tudyk as Jack, Iris Apatow as Charlotte, Martin Starr as Martin, Maude Apatow as Sadie, Jason Segel as Jason, Bill Hader as Brent, Charlyne Yi as Jodi, and Ken Jeong as Dr. Kuni.

Knocked Up Quotes

Tim Bagley as Dr. Pellagrino

• (Tim Bagley) "Wow, you do look like your sister."

Seth Rogen as Ben Stone

• (Seth Rogen) "Do you want to do it doggie style?"
• (Katherine Heigl) "You're not going to f*** me like a dog."
• (Seth Rogen) "It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything."

• (Seth Rogen) "and then your Mommy said, "Just do it already." which was very confusing to Daddy, so I took the most literal translation."
• (Seth Rogen) "But between you and me, it was the smartest thing I ever did, 'cause now you're here."

• (Seth Rogen) "f*** you, hormones."

• (Seth Rogen) "f*** ME."

• (Seth Rogen) "Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the f***'s up? Allison is going into labor and you are not f***ing here, you know where you're at? Your at a f***ing bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherf***ing piece of s***, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a f***ing cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are f***ing Biggie you piece of s***, I hope you f***ing die or drop the chair and kill that f***ing kid -- I hope your plane crashes, peace f***er."

• (Seth Rogen) "Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles."

• (Seth Rogen) "Our baby is going to be French Canadian."
• (Katherine Heigl) "And a little bit Spanish?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Yeah, I'm not very good with accents."

• (Seth Rogen) "You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone."

• (Seth Rogen) "Isn't weird how chairs exist even when you're not sitting on them?"

• (Seth Rogen) "This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be -- laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out."

• (Young Doctor) "How long you kids been married?"
• (Seth Rogen) "We're not married."
• (Young Doctor) "Are you single?"
• (Seth Rogen) "She's not single, she's just not married."
• (Young Doctor) "Are you two together?"

• (Seth Rogen) "That guy said 'Don't let the door hit your vagina on the way out.'"
• (Katherine Heigl) "I heard him."

• (Seth Rogen) "I live in your phone."

• (Seth Rogen) "Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool."

• (Seth Rogen) "Hello?"
• (Jason Segel) "Hey. What's up, Daddy? What are you doing?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Just smoking a joint. Drinking some beers. You know? Rockin."

• (Seth Rogen) "What time is it?"
• (Katherine Heigl) "7:30"
• (Seth Rogen) "Why the f*** are we awake? Let's go back to sleep."
• (Katherine Heigl) "I have to go to work."
• (Seth Rogen) "Really?"
• (Katherine Heigl) "Uh, do you need to -- get to work or anything?"
• (Seth Rogen) "No, I'm uh -- no work today hahahaha."

• (Seth Rogen) "I'm sorry I'm sweating on you --"
• (Katherine Heigl) "Okay, just stop talking."

• (Seth Rogen) "I'd like to be in there with Alison without you."
• (Leslie Mann) "OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you."
• (Seth Rogen) "Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back -- the -- f*** -- off."

• (Seth Rogen) "If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich.""

Katherine Heigl as Alison Scott

• (Katherine Heigl) "Why don't you go f*** your f***ing bong you f***."
• (Seth Rogen) "I will. I'll do it doggy style, too. For once."

• (Katherine Heigl) "Is she camera ready ?"

• (Katherine Heigl) "Why don't you go f*** your f***ING Bong?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I will. I'll do it doggy style, too. For once."

• (Katherine Heigl) "I'm pregnant."
• (Seth Rogen) "f*** off."
• (Katherine Heigl) "What?"
• (Seth Rogen) "What?"

• (Katherine Heigl) "I was drunk."
• (Seth Rogen) "Was your vagina drunk?"

• (Katherine Heigl) "I'm sorry I told you to f*** your bong."
• (Seth Rogen) "It's okay -- I didn't --"

• (Katherine Heigl) "Just do it."

• (Katherine Heigl) "Hey --"
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm naked."
• (Katherine Heigl) "Yeah."
• (Seth Rogen) "Did we have sex?"
• (Katherine Heigl) "Yes."
• (Seth Rogen) "Nice."

• (Katherine Heigl) "I don't have to tell them right away, I'm only gonna start to show when I'm like, I don't know, 6 months or something like that."
• (Alison's Mom) "3 months."
• (Katherine Heigl) "No way."
• (Alison's Mom) "Fat in the face, jowls, fat ass."
• (Katherine Heigl) "Debbie didn't get fat."
• (Alison's Mom) "Debbie is a freak of nature."

• (Katherine Heigl) "I love your curly hair. It's great -- do you use product or anything?"
• (Seth Rogen) "No -- I use, uh, jew it's called."

• (Katherine Heigl) "What do you think? He's funny, right?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Fetch."
• (Leslie Mann) "He's playing fetch -- with my kids -- he's treating my kids like they're dogs."

Jonah Hill as Jonah

• (Jonah Hill) "I'm going to murderball you."

• (Jonah Hill) "I can't believe you didn't f***ing wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?"
• (Jason Segel) "Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?"
• (Jonah Hill) "I can't believe you did this. You f***ed everything up."
• (Jason Segel) "The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity."
• (Jonah Hill) "Well that's true. Everyone knows that."
• (Jason Segel) "What goes up must come down."

• (Jonah Hill) "f*** off."
• (Jason Segel) "Yeah, well, you still have a little dick, Cartman."

• (Jonah Hill) "She like-a the way your dick taste."

• (Jonah Hill) "Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck; it's dangerous."

• (Jonah Hill) "We got pinkeye."
• (Seth Rogen) "Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?"
• (Jason Segel) "Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities."
• (Jay Baruchel) "Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere."
• (Paul Rudd) "You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?"
• (Jonah Hill) "Totally."
• (Paul Rudd) "That's awesome."
• (Jonah Hill) "Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?"
• (Martin Starr) "No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really -- high."

• (Jonah Hill) "I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion."

Jason Segel as Jason

• (Jason Segel) "Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning."

• (Jason Segel) "You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head."

• (Jason Segel) "You stay here."
• (Martin Starr) "Why?"
• (Jason Segel) "Cause your face looks like a vagina."
• (Martin Starr) "Dick."
• (Jonah Hill) "How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?"
• (Martin Starr) "Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore."
• (Jonah Hill) "I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?"
• (Martin Starr) "Yeah, it was really awkward."
• (Jonah Hill) "All right, see you later Scorcese on coke."
• (Martin Starr) "What the f*** was that?"
• (Jay Baruchel) "You know, Chewbacca."
• (Martin Starr) "Oh, another beard joke, f***ing hilarious."

• (Jason Segel) "She looks really -- smart."

Jay Baruchel as Jay

• (Jay Baruchel) "Hey, you know I always"
• (Jay Baruchel) "go right."
• (Jonah Hill) "Right -- into a dude's ass"

• (Jay Baruchel) "You're embarrassing me in company."
• (Jonah Hill) "You embarrass yourself."

• (Jay Baruchel) "That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving."

• (Jay Baruchel) "Because your face looks like a vagina."

Kristen Wiig as Jill

• (Kristen Wiig) "Hey, Alison, great job."
• (Katherine Heigl) "Oh, thanks."
• (Kristen Wiig) "-- for you --"

• (Kristen Wiig) "Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah."

Leslie Mann as Debbie

• (Leslie Mann) "You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean."

• (Leslie Mann) "He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh that's "cu -- Oh that's gross."

• (Leslie Mann) "Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis?"
• (Paul Rudd) "I think it's Matisyahu."

• (Leslie Mann) "Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and f*** each other."
• (Paul Rudd) "Who needs a time machine?"

• (Leslie Mann) "You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change."

• (Leslie Mann) "She is such a prissy little high school cu -- c***."

• (Leslie Mann) "Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?"

• (Leslie Mann) "He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh, it's "cummi-" -- oh, that's gross."

• (Leslie Mann) "I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox."
• (Jason Segel) "I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it."
• (Seth Rogen) "We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes."
• (Jason Segel) "It's not herpes if it's everywhere."

• (Leslie Mann) "Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?"
• (Paul Rudd) "I went to the movies."
• (Leslie Mann) "With who?"
• (Paul Rudd) "By myself."
• (Leslie Mann) "What'd you see?"
• (Paul Rudd) "Spider-Man 3."
• (Leslie Mann) "Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?"
• (Paul Rudd) "Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself."
• (Leslie Mann) "I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too."
• (Leslie Mann) "You're not the only one."
• (Paul Rudd) "It's not that big of a deal."
• (Leslie Mann) "I like Spider-Man."
• (Paul Rudd) "Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week."
• (Leslie Mann) "I don't want to go see it now."
• (Paul Rudd) "Well --"
• (Leslie Mann) "I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own."
• (Paul Rudd) "What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?"
• (Leslie Mann) "You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean."
• (Paul Rudd) "I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just --"
• (Leslie Mann) "No, you're not. You're lying."
• (Paul Rudd) "I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit."
• (Leslie Mann) "You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?"
• (Paul Rudd) "Come on."

Paul Rudd as Pete

• (Paul Rudd) "Did you know there's a guy whose sole job is to find chairs for these hotel rooms?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Please take the chairs away."
• (Paul Rudd) "Like this one. It's red with gold stripes and;"
• (Paul Rudd) "oh, this one is amazing."
• (Seth Rogen) "Please take the chairs away. I don't like them. The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll."

• (Paul Rudd) "Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid and all your dreams and hopes just go right out the window?"

• (Paul Rudd) "I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles."
• (Seth Rogen) "That's sad."
• (Paul Rudd) "Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything."

• (Paul Rudd) "You mean like Mr. Skin?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Who's Mr. Skin?"
• (Paul Rudd) "You know, Mr. Skin --"

• (Paul Rudd) "Never do what they did."
• (Iris Apatow) "I'm gonna do it --"
• (Paul Rudd) "You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled."

• (Paul Rudd) "There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room."
• (Seth Rogen) "That's way too many chairs for one room."

• (Paul Rudd) "Where we're going we don't need roads."

• (Paul Rudd) "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

• (Paul Rudd) "Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love."

• (Paul Rudd) "I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88."
• (Seth Rogen) "VRRROOOOM"

• (Paul Rudd) "You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother -- Gabe Ruth."

• (Paul Rudd) "Marriage is like that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but its not funny. All the problems are the same, but"
• (Paul Rudd) "you know instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense."

• (Paul Rudd) "You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter."

Alan Tudyk as Jack

• (Alan Tudyk) "-- there's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get -- one of them: Gym membership."
• (Katherine Heigl) "You want me to lose weight?"
• (Alan Tudyk) "No, I don't want you to lose weight."
• (Kristen Wiig) "No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that."
• (Alan Tudyk) "We didn't say lose weight -- I might say tighten."
• (Katherine Heigl) "Tight?"
• (Alan Tudyk) "Tighter."
• (Kristen Wiig) "Just liked toned and smaller."
• (Alan Tudyk) "Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way -- tighter."
• (Kristen Wiig) "We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less."
• (Katherine Heigl) "OK."
• (Kristen Wiig) "We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20."
• (Katherine Heigl) "20."
• (Kristen Wiig) "And then weigh that much."

• (Alan Tudyk) "We decided that, we want you to be on camera."
• (Katherine Heigl) "Oh my god, really?"
• (Kristen Wiig) "I know, I was so surprised too."

Bill Hader as Brent

• (Bill Hader) "You sound like Jabba the Hut dying."

Martin Starr as Martin

• (Martin Starr) "Whatever. I'm glad I'm not a Jew."
• (Seth Rogen) "So are we --"
• (Seth Rogen) "You weren't chosen for a reason."

• (Martin Starr) "f*** me in the beard."

• (Martin Starr) "Do you ever get so bored, you just stare at your balls?"
• (Jonah Hill) "I bet you do, late John Lennon."

Craig Robinson as Doorman

• (Craig Robinson) "What the f*** is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that."

Maude Apatow as Sadie

• (Maude Apatow) "I Googled murder."

• (Maude Apatow) "Where do babies come from?"
• (Leslie Mann) "Where do you think they come from?"
• (Maude Apatow) "Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby."
• (Leslie Mann) "That's exactly right."

Charlyne Yi as Jodi

• (Charlyne Yi) "You wanna trade boyfriends? Ha. Just kidding. Kind of."

• (Charlyne Yi) "You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh. Ohh that's mine, not yours. But, you know, because you're family you gotta share."

Ken Jeong as Dr. Kuni

• (Ken Jeong) "Do you smoke?"
• (Katherine Heigl) "No."
• (Ken Jeong) "Do, you, smoke?"

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