(Article is below...)

Liar Liar Quotes

Liar Liar is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Liar Liar ended in 1970.

It features Brian Grazer as producer, John Debney in charge of musical score, and Russell Boyd as head of cinematography.

Liar Liar is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Liar Liar is 86 minutes long. Liar Liar is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Justin Cooper as Max Reede, Jim Carrey as Fletcher, Jennifer Tilly as Samantha, Jason Bernard as Judge Stevens, Anne Haney as Greta, Amanda Donohoe as Miranda, Eric Pierpoint as Cop, Swoosie Kurtz as Dana, Jason Bernard as Judge, Mitchell Ryan as Mr. Allen, Maura Tierney as Audrey, Jim Carrey as Teacher, Christopher Mayer as Kenneth Falk, Cary Elwes as Jerry, Anne Haney as Gretta, Cheri Oteri as Jane, Amanda Donohoe as Randy, and Carrey additionally briefly reprises his role as Skull.

Liar Liar Quotes

Jim Carrey as Fletcher

  • (Jim Carrey) "You don't believe me, do you?"
  • (Anne Haney) "Of course not."
  • (Jim Carrey) "How ironic. Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about."
  • (Anne Haney) "Alright. Remember, a few months ago, when I wanted a raise,"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Forget it. I don't wanna do this."
  • (Anne Haney) "and the company wouldn't give me one,"
  • (Jim Carrey) "GRETA, PLEASE."
  • (Anne Haney) "so you said you wanted to give me one out of your own pocket, but it would create jealously among the other secretaries. Now, was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the dough?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hey, creepy. Happy Birthday. How old are you now? 22? 23?"
  • (Justin Cooper) "I'm 5, Dad."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Okay."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Return the beer keg. Cancel the dancing girls."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left."
  • (Maura Tierney) "Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were."
  • (Office Worker) "Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Short, shriveled, and always to the left."
  • (Unnamed) "Got any spare change?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Absolutely."
  • (Unnamed) "Could ya spare some?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Yes I could."
  • (Unnamed) "Will ya?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "HMM-MMM."
  • (Unnamed) "How come?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society --. Plus I'm cheap. AHHH."
  • (Unnamed) "Jerk off."
  • (Publicist) "Mr. Reede, do you have a moment?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm sorry, I'm very late. It's my day to be with my son."
  • (Publicist) "A couple of reporters want to talk to you about your big win today."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh, yeah? How's my hair?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "You brought your kids to your divorce?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Sympathy."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well, it's working. I feel sorry for them already."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hi. Judge Stevens, I'm scheduled to be in your courtroom in half an hour? Judge Stevens, I badly, BADLY need a continuance --. Ill? Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask."
  • (Jim Carrey) "GRETA please LIE to him for me."
  • (Anne Haney) "I remember when you bought me this antique silver fram from tiffany's -- TIFFANY'S?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "-- Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten --"
  • (Jim Carrey) "You had sex with her everytime you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR."
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "He's badgering the witness."
  • (Jason Bernard) "It's his witness."
  • (Jim Carrey) "You slammed her. You dunked her donut. You gave her dog a Snausage. YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY."
  • (Christopher Mayer) "Alright. Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out. There, now ya happy?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No further questions."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's license?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "That's right."
  • (Jim Carrey) "It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Faulk will."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Brunette."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there --"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "I'm a brunette."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Thank you. Now let's see -- weight, 105? Yeah, in your bra."
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "Your honor, I object."
  • (Jim Carrey) "You would."
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "Bastard."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hag."
  • (Jason Bernard) "QUIET. Overruled. Weight?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "118."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "No."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth."
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?"
  • (Jason Bernard) "Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "1965."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Now let me get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to DO THAT?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "I changed it so I could get married."
  • (Jim Carrey) "AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. My client lied about her age. She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Including?"
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "Prenuptial agreements."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Prenuptial agreements. This contract is void. The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME. Nothing further, your honor."
  • (Lawyer on Courthouse Stairs) "Hey, Fletcher, how'd it go in there?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Just another victory for the wrongly accused."
  • (Lawyer on Courthouse Stairs) "Yeah, right."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Wow. That was a nice image --"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Deleted."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?"
  • (Maura Tierney) "No; I divorced you because I was mad at you."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Listen, I'm really sorry, but I just -- I just can't make it. The boss is REALLY ridin' me."
  • (Jim Carrey) "You scratched my car."
  • (Unnamed) "Where?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Right there."
  • (Unnamed) "OH -- That was already there."
  • (Jim Carrey) "You; -LIAR. You know what I am going to do about this?"
  • (Unnamed) "what?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Nothing. Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe."
  • (Unnamed) "You've been here before haven't ya?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends."
  • (Jim Carrey) "The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant."
  • (Driver) "What's your problem, Schmuck."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm an inconsiderate prick."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Okay, the pen is red -- the pen is red --"
  • (Jim Carrey) "The color of this pen is ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh"
  • (Jim Carrey) ". This pen is reeeeeeeeeeehhh-"
  • (Jim Carrey) "The color of the pen that I HOLD in my hand is rrrrr-rrroyal blue."
  • (Jim Carrey) "AHH."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Okay, if I can't say it, I'll write it."
  • (Jim Carrey) "No. You write. Write it."
  • (Anne Haney) "Mister Reede? Are you alright?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "It's blue. It's blue. The god**** pen is blue."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Max. It's 8:45, you made the wish at 8:15. I've been able to lie for the past half hour."
  • (Justin Cooper) "So you were; ?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No. It was the truth. I just wanted to be honest with you, Max. I always want to be honest with you."
  • (Jim Carrey) "The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the god**** pen is blue."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Audrey, great news. Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?"
  • (Jason Bernard) "Can't it wait?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Is that true?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "It has to be."
  • (Jason Bernard) "In that case I'd better take a quick break myself."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'll give you a raise."
  • (Anne Haney) "Here's your raise."
  • (Jim Carrey) "It was me."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it."? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Wake up, sisters. There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Greta, please. I'm on my knees in a $900 suit."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, what's up, Fletcher?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Your cholesterol, fatty."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm taking this."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Because I didn't want to talk to you."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency. I'LL CALL YA LATER."
  • (Jim Carrey) "What is WRONG with me?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm --"
  • (Guy in the Washroom) "What the hell are you doing?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm kicking my ass. Do you mind?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children; They are his?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Oh yeah. One for sure."
  • (Jim Carrey) "After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Seven."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Beg your pardon?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Seven single acts of indiscretion."
  • (Jim Carrey) "SEVEN. acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Maximus, I'm outta here."
  • (Justin Cooper) "Bye, Dad."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Jerry, enjoy my wife."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I object, Your Honor, and I move to strike."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick."
  • (Busty Woman on Elevator) "Everybody's been real nice."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama."
  • (Unnamed) "What's Up, Fletcher?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Your cholesterol, Fatty. Dead man walkin'."
  • (Amanda Donohoe) "Hey, Fletcher."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Hey. You're not important enough to remember."
  • (Zit Boy) "What'll it be, Fletcher?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "A pock mark, eventually."
  • (Anne Haney) "Mr. Reede?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Don't ask. For God sake, don't ask."

Justin Cooper as Max Reede

  • (Justin Cooper) "Do the claw to mom, dad, do the claw to mom."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Uh-oh. You've found the claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures."
  • (Maura Tierney) "So did you have any trouble finding the place?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "All right, I'm late. I ran oughta gas. The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap. My mind on my money and my money on my mind."
  • (Maura Tierney) "They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up."
  • (Justin Cooper) "Mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling."
  • (Maura Tierney) "Ugh. Fletcher."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Ugh. Audrey."
  • (Justin Cooper) "I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie."
  • (Justin Cooper) "My dad? He's -- a liar."
  • (Jim Carrey) "A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar."
  • (Justin Cooper) "Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh, you mean he's a lawyer."
  • (Justin Cooper) "Look at what Dad got me."
  • (Cary Elwes) "Woah, great. Hey, you know what? I have my glove in the car. Why don't you and I go to the park and play catch. Then we can rub oil in it, and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great."
  • (Cary Elwes) "Hey, great gift, Dad."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Thanks, son."
  • (Justin Cooper) "My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside."
  • (Jim Carrey) "That's just something ugly people say."
  • (Justin Cooper) "Mom? Dad?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?"
  • (Justin Cooper) "No. I wished for rollerblades."
  • (Maura Tierney) "Uh -- wanna cut the cake -- Dad?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I would love to -- but I have this horrible pain in my arm --"
  • (Maura Tierney) "Oh no -- run IT'S THE CLAW."
  • (Jim Carrey) "NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW."
  • (Justin Cooper) "Look at what Dad got me."
  • (Cary Elwes) "Wow, great. Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car. Maybe we could stop at the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great."
  • (Cary Elwes) "Hey, great gift, Dad."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Thanks, son."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete."

Amanda Donohoe as Randy

  • (Amanda Donohoe) "Fletcher."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Holy hell."

Maura Tierney as Audrey

  • (Maura Tierney) "Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No?"
  • (Maura Tierney) "He was making a wish that for a whole day, his father couldn't tell a lie."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh, my God, that's it."
  • (Maura Tierney) "Where were you?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Having sex."
  • (Maura Tierney) "Well, I hope it was with someone very special."
  • (Jim Carrey) "No, see; that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal."

Cary Elwes as Jerry

  • (Cary Elwes) "Hey, great gift dad."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Thanks son. I'm so glad my gift can bring the two of them together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete."
  • (Cary Elwes) "One, two three, four,five, and one for good luck."
  • (Jim Carrey) "He struck the child, did you see that?"
  • (Cary Elwes) "I love you."
  • (Maura Tierney) "Thank you"
  • (Cary Elwes) "Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for --"
  • (Maura Tierney) "Thank you very much?"

Jason Bernard as Judge Stevens

  • (Jason Bernard) "How are we this morning, Counselor?"
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "Fine, thank you."
  • (Jason Bernard) "And how about you, Mr. Reede?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?"
  • (Jason Bernard) "Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No, sir. We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "Hurry up. Move it."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Here she comes to wreck the daaaay."
  • (Jason Bernard) "MISTER Reede."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Sorry, Your Honor."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I hold myself in contempt. Why should you be any different?"
  • (Jason Bernard) "Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky."
  • (Jason Bernard) "I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?"
  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "Yes."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Yes."
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "No. I'm contesting custody."
  • (Jim Carrey) "What?"
  • (Jennifer Tilly) "If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments."
  • (Jim Carrey) "You just won 11 million dollars."
  • (Bailiff) "I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Who did this?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope."
  • (Jason Bernard) "What did he look like?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "About 6'2", 180 pounds, big teeth, kinda gangly."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Mr. Reede, do we have a settlement?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Noooo."
  • (Jason Bernard) "Order. Order. ORDER."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Knock it off."
  • (Jason Bernard) "SIT DOWN."

Anne Haney as Greta

  • (Anne Haney) "Am I too late? Have you been sexually molested yet because I can circle the block."
  • (Anne Haney) "And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Oh, I'm such a s***."
  • (Anne Haney) "Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you he won. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I'd have got him ten."
  • (Anne Haney) "He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Stop breaking the law, asshole."

Cheri Oteri as Jane

  • (Cheri Oteri) "Do you like my new dress?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "What ever takes the focus off your head."

Jennifer Tilly as Samantha

  • (Jennifer Tilly) "You look like you're having a rough morning."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Ding ding ding. What do we have for her, Johnny?"

Eric Pierpoint as Cop

  • (Eric Pierpoint) "You know why I pulled you over?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Depends on how long you were following me."
  • (Eric Pierpoint) "Why don't we just take it from the top?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding."
  • (Eric Pierpoint) "Is that all?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No -- I have unpaid parking tickets."
  • (Jim Carrey) "-- be gentle."

Swoosie Kurtz as Dana

  • (Swoosie Kurtz) "He's badgering the witness."
  • (Jason Bernard) "It's his witness."

Carrey additionally briefly reprises his role as Skull

  • (Carrey additionally briefly reprises his role) "Mr. Reed, great job. Say, do you want your coat back?"
  • (Jim Carrey) "No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again."
  • (Jim Carrey) "And again."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.




Additional Film and TV Quotes

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes Quotes | Quintuplets Quotes | Angela Anaconda Quotes | What's Eating Gilbert Grape Quotes | The Parkers Quotes | Wanda at Large Quotes | The View (talk show) Quotes | Ivan's Childhood Quotes | My Wife and Kids Quotes | Evening Shade Quotes | Cagney and Lacey Quotes | Just Shoot Me! Quotes | Step by Step (TV series) Quotes | Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius Quotes | Legends of the Fall Quotes | Good Eats Quotes | Time Squared (Star Trek: The Next Generation) Quotes | The Host (Star Trek: The Next Generation) Quotes | The Game (Star Trek: The Next Generation) Quotes | Kaput and Zösky Quotes | Rush Hour 2 Quotes | The Medallion Quotes | Armour of God II: Operation Condor Quotes | Armour of God (film) Quotes | Project A Quotes |