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Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels completed its run in 1970.

It features Matthew Vaughn as producer, David Hughes; John Murphy in charge of musical score, and Tim Maurice-Jones as head of cinematography.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom, and United States. Each episode of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is 106 minutes long. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is distributed by PolyGram Filmed Entertainment (UK).

The cast includes: Jason Statham as Bacon, Nick Moran as Eddie, Dexter Fletcher as Soap, P. H. Moriarty as "Hatchet" Harry, Stephen Marcus as Nick the Greek, Jason Flemyng as Tom, Lenny McLean as Barry the Baptist, Vas Blackwood as Rory Breaker, Vinnie Jones as Big Chris, Danny John-Jules as Barfly Jack, Frank Harper as Dog, Steven Mackintosh as Winston, Victor McGuire as Gary, Sting as JD, Nicholas Rowe as J, Frank Harper as Don, and Huggy Leaver as Paul.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes

P. H. Moriarty as "Hatchet" Harry

  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Don't go spending it all at once, boy."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Back to you, already-Eddie."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Yeah? That you, boy?"
  • (Nick Moran) "It's Ed, if that's you mean."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Pay day, ain't it?"
  • (Nick Moran) "Yeah -- I wanted to talk to you about that."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "I'll bet you do. I got half a million nicker sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't. You've upset a few people, boy. But that really isn't my concern, is it? What does concern me, is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that. So get your arse over here now. And I do mean now."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "It's about time you paid our young friends a visit, Chris. Today's the day and mum's the word, and I can't have that, can I?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "No, 'Arry, you can't."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have liberties taken, can I, Barry?"
  • (Lenny McLean) "No, 'Arry, you can't."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?"
  • (Lenny McLean) "No, 'Arry, you can't."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son."
  • (Nick Moran) "Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that."

Frank Harper as Dog

  • (Frank Harper) "Golf; the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two."
  • (Frank Harper) "I'll find you -- I'll find you."
  • (Jason Statham) "'Course you will sweetheart."
  • (Frank Harper) "I'll find you."
  • (Jason Statham) "What d'you think this is? f***ing hide and seek?"
  • (Frank Harper) "What the f*** is that?"
  • (Mickey) "It's me bren gun."
  • (Frank Harper) "Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?"
  • (John) "Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi; Ah. s***. I've been shot."
  • (Frank Harper) "I don't f***ing believe this. Can everyone stop gettin' shot?"
  • (Frank Harper) "So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we? In fact, this is a bit more than a bit of a problem. I'd say it's the Mount f***ing Everest of problems. And the reason it's such a f***ing monstrosity of a problem is, you haven't got the first idea who did this to us, have ya ?"
  • (Plank) "We've been up all night. It's no one from round here. We've had 'em all lined up against the wall. If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know."
  • (Frank Harper) "You'd know? You'd f***ing know? You wouldn't know if it was the next door f***ing neighbours. Get out there and find them. I'm sick of the f***ing sight of ya."
  • (Plank) "Ah. They f***ing shot me."
  • (Frank Harper) "Well, f***ing shoot 'em back."
  • (Frank Harper) "Where the f*** did she come from?"
  • (Frank Harper) "That is it. Tie her up. We're outta here."
  • (Frank Harper) "Apparently it's for security."

Lenny McLean as Barry the Baptist

  • (Lenny McLean) "Lock, stock, the f***in' lot."
  • (Lenny McLean) "What?"
  • (Dean) "I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry."
  • (Lenny McLean) "Did you get those guns?"
  • (Dean) "You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?"
  • (Dean) "Gary? Gary?"
  • (Lenny McLean) "I said, did you get those guns?"
  • (Dean) "YES, WE GOT THEM."
  • (Lenny McLean) "Good, I'll speak to you later"
  • (Dean) "Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now mate okay?"
  • (Dean) "Barry? Barry? f***ing sodding shandy-drinking bastard."
  • (Lenny McLean) "Come on. Not now, please, not --"
  • (Lenny McLean) "Oh, you f***ing bastard."
  • (Lenny McLean) "If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick."
  • (Lenny McLean) "f***ing northern monkeys."
  • (Lenny) "I hate these f***ing southern fairies."
  • (Lenny McLean) "Hello son, would you like a lolly?"
  • (Little Chris) "Piss off, you nonce."

Jason Flemyng as Tom

  • (Jason Flemyng) "Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get."
  • (Nick Moran) "Will you two stop flirting for a minute?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Rory Breaker?"
  • (Danny John-Jules) "Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny looking f***er, I know. But you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing; it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted. He's gone down the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens. He wanders up and turns the liza over. 'Now f*** off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action and he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's f***ing it,' says the geezer. 'That's f***ing what?' says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Look, it's all completely chicken soup."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "It's what?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "It's kosher. As Christmas."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "This is f***ed. No money. No weed. Its all been replaced by a pile of corpses."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "I want to look f***ing mean."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "Of course you'll look mean. You'll look really scary --"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know."
  • (Nick Moran) "Bacon, see what we've got."
  • (Jason Statham) "Let's have a butcher's, eh?"
  • (Jason Statham) "We've hit the jackpot, lads. We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a s***load of cash -- and a traffic warden."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "What?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden."
  • (Jason Statham) "I think he's still alive; he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?"
  • (Nick Moran) "I don't know, but I don't think we need him. Knock him out and dump him at the lights."
  • (Jason Statham) "Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?"
  • (Nick Moran) "I don't know. Use your imagination."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Don't touch him up. Knock him out."
  • (Jason Statham) "I'll knock you out in a minute. Look, you want to knock him out? You knock him out."
  • (Nick Moran) "I f***ing hate traffic wardens."

Vas Blackwood as Rory Breaker

  • (Vas Blackwood) "Your stupidity must be your one saving grace."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "Uh?"
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Don't "uh" me Greek boy. How is it that your f***ing stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white c***'s joke that black c***s don't get? 'Cause Im not f***ing laughing Ni-ko-las."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "I know you couldn't have known my position 'cause you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that "what's going on here?" look slapped all over your chevy chase. But what you do know is where these people live."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya. Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "What do you want, a medal? I'll shoot you in the f***ing throat if I don't get my ganja back."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "You think this is a coincidence? This white s***e steals my things and thinks that he can sell it back to me? He's got less brains than you, Lenny."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Is this some white c***s joke that black c***s don't get? 'Cause I'm not f***ing laughing Nicholas."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Now watch out for these fellas. They've got a bit of an arsenal, and they don't mind using it."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Is that so, mister botanical?"
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Your stupidity may be your one saving grace."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "Uuugh?"
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Get Nick, that greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, if he's stupid enough to still be on this planet."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda p***** to drink it."

Nick Moran as Eddie

  • (Nick Moran) "They're armed."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?"
  • (Nick Moran) "Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster -- what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit."
  • (Nick Moran) "Tom, you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge."
  • (Jason Statham) "And throw yourself off while you're at it."
  • (Nick Moran) "I don't know. What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem. And there's no problem with the neighbors -- because they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong -- we're in the clear."
  • (Nick Moran) "That's quite a raise. That's 150 on my 100."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?"
  • (Nick Moran) "The entire British empire was built on cups of tea --"
  • (Jason Statham) "Yeah, and look what happened to that."
  • (Nick Moran) "-- And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken."
  • (Nick Moran) "As you know this puts us in an awkward position -- I don't have enough to continue."
  • (Nick Moran) "Twenty grand, open."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie."
  • (Nick Moran) "Fifty grand."
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "Eighty grand."
  • (Nick Moran) "One hundred grand."
  • (Unnamed) "Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know --"
  • (P. H. Moriarty) "I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know."
  • (Nick Moran) "The Traffic Warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns."
  • (Jason Statham) "And Tom took care of them."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "You did take care of the shotguns?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "I wanted to talk to you about that?"
  • (Jason Statham) "Well, talk."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Well, actually no. I've got them sitting in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him."
  • (Jason Statham) "You dippy bastard."
  • (Nick Moran) "So -- the only thing connecting us with the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away. And they're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?"
  • (Nick Moran) "Tom, you're a dick. Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge."
  • (Jason Statham) "And throw yourself off while you're at it."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Now."
  • (Nick Moran) "Can we lock up and get drunk now?"
  • (Nick Moran) "Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, f***-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. s*** 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Soap, is there something we should know about you?"
  • (Jason Statham) "I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past."

Vinnie Jones as Big Chris

  • (Vinnie Jones) "I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father."
  • (Sting) "Go on."
  • (Vinnie Jones) "He likes your bar."
  • (Sting) "Yes?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "He wants your bar."
  • (Sting) "And?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "Do you want me to draw you a picture?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "I've got some bad news for you, John."
  • (John) "What the f***?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "Mind your language in front of the boy."
  • (John) "Jesus Christ."
  • (Vinnie Jones) "That includes blasphemy as well."
  • (Vinnie Jones) "It's been emotional."
  • (Vinnie Jones) "All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on."
  • (Vinnie Jones) "You alright, mate?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "Cheeky bastard."
  • (Little Chris) "f***in' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?"
  • (Vinnie Jones) "Hey. You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't."

Sting as JD

  • (Sting) "So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?"
  • (Nick Moran) "It appears so."
  • (Sting) "Appears? You'd have to do better than f***ing appears, my friend."
  • (Nick Moran) "Well everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as it can get."
  • (Sting) "I do know your reputation. So I choose my words very carefully. You tell Harry to go f*** himself."
  • (Vinnie Jones) "Now -- I'll put that down to shock. Only once."

Dexter Fletcher as Soap

  • (Dexter Fletcher) "A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "You want a sandwich, Bacon?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Tom, what have you been eatin'?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "What is going on?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Where the f*** are they going? -- Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery."
  • (Nick Moran) "Where did they get those outfits?"
  • (Jason Statham) "Not a bad idea, that."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "That would be the same man, yes."
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "I don't think it's the right move."
  • (Nick Moran) "It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily. I'm gonna phone him."
  • (Jason Statham) "As if he'll care."
  • (Nick Moran) "He'll care alright, that was supposed to be his money. Whether he cares about us or not is different."

Nicholas Rowe as J

  • (Lenny) "Hang on a minute, Nathan. Something stinks."
  • (Nathan) "Yeah, your f***ing aftershave."
  • (Lenny) "f*** you, funny man."
  • (Nicholas Rowe) "For God's sake, help me. I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain."
  • (Lenny) "Go in slowly, Nathan."
  • (Nathan) "f*** you, funny man. You go first."
  • (Lenny) "Just get the f*** in there, will you?"
  • (Nicholas Rowe) "I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something."
  • (Charles) "Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking."

Victor McGuire as Gary

  • (Dean) "Whoa, whoa Kenny. What are you doing?"
  • (Victor McGuire) "I am trying to find out where they keep their money."
  • (Dean) "You twat. Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture. We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?"
  • (Victor McGuire) "Bastard. You f***ing bastard."
  • (Victor McGuire) "Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?"
  • (Lenny McLean) "Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot."
  • (Victor McGuire) "What the f*** are you doing here?"
  • (Lenny McLean) "What the f*** are YOU doing here?"
  • (Dean) "He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them."
  • (Victor McGuire) "Why me?"
  • (Dean) "You're supposed to be the hard case."
  • (Victor McGuire) "You get the guns. I drive the car."
  • (Victor McGuire) "So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?"
  • (Lenny McLean) "You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know."
  • (Victor McGuire) "I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films."
  • (Lenny McLean) "Careful. Remember who's giving you this job."
  • (Victor McGuire) "I've just spent 120 quid on me hair. If you think I'm puttin a stockin over me head you're very much mistaken."

Stephen Marcus as Nick the Greek

  • (Stephen Marcus) "Is that you, Dean?"
  • (Dean) "No, it's Lord f***ing Lucan. Who do you think it is?"
  • (Stephen Marcus) "Just get me a sample."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "No can do."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "Dunno Tom. Seems expensive."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the f***ing century." In fact, f*** it Nick, I think I'll keep it."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "All right all right, keep your Alans on."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "Here's a ton."
  • (Nick Moran) "Jesus Christ."
  • (Nick Moran) "You could choke a dozen donkeys on that. And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?"
  • (Stephen Marcus) "100 pounds is still 100 pounds."
  • (Jason Flemyng) "Not when the price is 200 pounds it's not. And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, c'mon. Lemme feel the fibre of your fabric."
  • (Stephen Marcus) "What else does it come with?"
  • (Jason Flemyng) "It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it."

Steven Mackintosh as Winston

  • (Steven Mackintosh) "Charles, get the rifle out. We're being f***ed."
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "He's the one we shot in the neck."
  • (Vas Blackwood) "Is that right, Mr. Botanical?"
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "Charles, why have we got that cage?"
  • (Charles) "Uh, security."
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' f***ing use it?"
  • (Charles) "Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here."
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?"
  • (Willie) "Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?"
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the f***ing cage locked. What is that?"
  • (Willie) "That's Gloria."
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?"
  • (Willie) "Fertilizer."
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie."
  • (Willie) "We need fertilizer Winston."
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle."
  • (Willie) "What do you mean?"
  • (Steven Mackintosh) "We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-f***ing- culturalist. That's what I mean Willie."

Huggy Leaver as Paul

  • (Huggy Leaver) "Come take a look at this."
  • (Traffic Warden) "Take a look at what, exactly?"
  • (Huggy Leaver) "Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it,"
  • (Huggy Leaver) "and I'm off."
  • (Huggy Leaver) "Gordon Bennett. What the f***'s been going on here?"
  • (John) "So they had the cash."
  • (Huggy Leaver) "And the puff."
  • (Frank Harper) "Cheeky bastards. Count it."
  • (John) "s***, Dog. There's a lot. Don't you wanna do it next door?"
  • (Frank Harper) "We're not going next door until we flay them dead men walking."

Jason Statham as Bacon

  • (Jason Statham) "I don't believe this. What the f*** has happened here?"
  • (Dexter Fletcher) "Jesus."
  • (Jason Statham) "Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe."
  • (Jason Statham) "Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound."
  • (Nick Moran) "Did you say ten pound?"
  • (Jason Statham) "Are you deaf?"
  • (Nick Moran) "That's a bargain. I'll take one."
  • (Jason Statham) "Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages."
  • (Nick Moran) "Bacon, cozzers."
  • (Jason Statham) "s***."
  • (Jason Statham) "What's that?"
  • (Unnamed) "It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail."
  • (Jason Statham) "No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a f***ing rainforest. You could fall in love with an orangutan in that."
  • (Unnamed) "You want a pint, you go to the pub."
  • (Jason Statham) "I thought this was a pub."
  • (Unnamed) "It's a Samoan pub."

Danny John-Jules as Barfly Jack

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Point of No Return (1993 film) Quotes | Porridge (TV series) Quotes | The Screen Savers Quotes | Buzz Lightyear of Star Command Quotes | The Blue Dahlia Quotes | Not the Nine O'Clock News Quotes | Drop the Dead Donkey Quotes | Sanford and Son Quotes | DuckTales Quotes | Nell (film) Quotes | Star Trek III: The Search for Spock Quotes | Lamb Chop's Play-Along Quotes | Antz Quotes | Seven (1995 film) Quotes | Splendor in the Grass Quotes | Hey Arnold! Quotes | Monty Python's The Meaning of Life Quotes | Jubilee (1978 film) Quotes | Ghostbusters Quotes | Lost Highway (film) Quotes | A Chinese Ghost Story Quotes | Farewell My Concubine (film) Quotes | Notting Hill (film) Quotes | The League of Gentlemen (film) Quotes | Starship Troopers (film) Quotes |