Mad TV (season 12) Quotes

Mad TV (season 12) is a TV show that debuted in 2006 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Mad TV ended in 2007.

Mad TV (season 12) aired for 22 episodes.

Mad TV (season 12) Quotes

• (Customer) "I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did."
• (Cloret) "And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice."

• (Abercrombie Guy 1) "So what'd you guys do last night?"
• (Abercrombie Guy 2) "Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight."
• (Abercrombie Guy 3) "Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together."
• (Abercrombie Guy 1) "I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?"
• (Various) "His what?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there."
• (Various) "I'm sorry, I don't understand --"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh."

• (Various) "Where are the strawberries?"

• (Unnamed) "OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting."

• (Unnamed) "So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Um-hum."
• (Unnamed) "Well, how does that makes you feel?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you -- You know, sweetie, it's not your fault."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Aaaaahhh."
• (Unnamed) "Stuart, that was not very nice."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Say that into the microphone."
• (Unnamed) "If I do, will we be friends?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't know."
• (Unnamed) "Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine."

• (Ricky Martin) "Ask me how I feel, come on, ask me how I feel."
• (Unnamed) "Okay, how do you feel?"
• (Ricky Martin) "I feel crazy, man."

• (Will Sasso) "So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?"
• (Unnamed) "You are."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Dooooooon't."

• (Unnamed) "Look, you can't go around killing people all the time."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "You just can't."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future."

• (Piano Teacher) "Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hm hmm."
• (Piano Teacher) "You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "If I said I did it, I did it."

• (Announcer) "It's Mad TV."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about lying?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis."

• (Dr. Kylie) "If you married Darth Vader, you would be Ella Vader."

• (Mrs. Curtis) "Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee."

• (Police Officer) "Was he a black man or a white man?"
• (Ms. Swan) "You know -- black-a like you, black-a like me."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Serpentine."

• (Spishak Spokesman) "How many times has this happened to you?"

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about the smoking?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Smoking is for Europeans and white trash."

• (Nurse) "It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off."
• (Vancome Lady) "Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf."

• (Antonia) "I have a cat named Cece."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "That is so awful for your father to be dying of cancer. It's just horrible. Now -- can I ask you a question? Was he a smoker?"
• (Daughter) "Um, yes. Yes, he was."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well then I just don't understand how he could be surprised. I mean it says it right there on the side of the box, doesn't it? "Smoking Causes Cancer." I know 'cause I've seen it on there. Now -- can I ask you a question? Can your father read?"
• (Daughter) "Of course he can read."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well, I just thought maybe he was illiterate and that was why he was surprised when he got cancer. Because it does say right there on the box --"

• (Dot) "Look how little my gloves are."

• (Dixie Wetsworth) "You like? I like."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "Now see, that is why I never did buy a gun is because I just don't think shooting yourself sounds like any fun."
• (Man) "Lady, I didn't do it on purpose."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "You didn't? Well, now, let me ask you a question -- do you have a television?"
• (Man) "Yes."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Have you ever seen this TV show? It's called "The News"?"

• (Malcolm X) "You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Edward) "I don't get it."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that."

• (Ms. Swan) "What the hell?"

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating."

• (Various) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Uh-uh-uh."

• (Destiny) "Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you."
• (Destiny) "Even though we are the same age --"
• (Tad) "That's right. We're both fifteen."
• (Destiny) "That's right."

• (Diane Sawyer) "I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me."
• (Ted Koppel) "I'm Ted Koppel."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Stay away from my Danger Zone."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant. Isn't this fun?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The waiter's face looked weird."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's because he's Asian --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"

• (Unnamed) "Haha, take it like a man."
• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, you look like you take it like a man."

• (Steven Cragg) "Hey guess what. There's a show on ABC called Rodney starring Rodney Carrington that just got picked up for another season. Hey, Rodney got picked up for another season. Yeah. Honk your horn. Hey I got a question, who the f*** is Rodney Carrington?"

• (Helen's Caretaker) "Helen, your new teacher is here. Oh I forgot, you're deaf."

• (Bunifa Jackson) "Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then."
• (Appraiser) "I'm not interested in buying it."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "No, no it's okay, I'll take the six."
• (Appraiser) "No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer"
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Then why you offer me $6?"
• (Appraiser) "No, I didn't."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did."
• (Appraiser) "No I didn't."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did. Yes you did. Yes you did. Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar. She just called me a liar. I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch."
• (Appraiser) "Ma'am I did not call you any of those names."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf. I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate."

• (Nautica Brown) "And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind -- My Ass. Hollywood -- and the White Man's Lies"."
• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "Damn, that's an angry bitch."

• (Anna Nicole Smith) "Do you like Mama's meatbags baby?"
• (Unnamed) "Mom?"
• (Anna Nicole Smith) "You get old enough I'm gonna letcha touch em'"

• (Joe Namath) "Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday."

• (Dancer) "Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Well I'm not a ho, either."

• (Vancome Lady) "Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention."
• (Vancome Lady) "Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight -- oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape."
• (Stuart Larkin) "They look like this."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't have a lazy eye."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Ohh. Yes you do."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?"

• (Rosa Parks) "What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses. It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people." See --"
• (Rosa Parks) "We've got TWO asses."

• (Phil LaMarr) "And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control."

• (Girl in Tow Truck) "I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family."
• (Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man) "Then you are stupid."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Let me do it."

• (Mr. Swan) "Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me."

• (Connie Chung) "I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games."

• (Various) "I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends."

• (Drew Barrymore) "I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love."
• (Drew Barrymore) "Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready."
• (Drew Barrymore) "E.T.'s here?"

• (Dot) "My dream is to go swimming in my Hallowe'en costume."

• (Jovan Muskatelle) "It was crazy as hell, man. Pandemonium 2004."

• (DMV Worker) "Now turn and face the camera."
• (Ms. Swan) "Live from New York --"
• (DMV Worker) "No. That's the wrong show."

• (Dot) "I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like; seven or ten."

• (Man) "Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The world."

• (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
• (Shelly) "What?"
• (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
• (Marvin Tikvah) "C'MON."

• (Cosby) "If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Goddddddd, that's cute."

• (Ms. Swan) "He look-a like-a man."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Look what I can do."

• (Fantana 1) "It's so hot --"
• (Fantana 2) "And hard to think."
• (Fantana 3) "Don't you want a Fanta?"

• (Dale) "Carol Finney. Tell us something about yourself, and not something I've already said."
• (Carol) "Well, I like to roll nickels -- I have a windmill magnet collection -- my daughter's my best friend."
• (Dale) "Well I hope your husband is a close second."
• (Carol) "Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels."

• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, okay, I tell you everything."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about sliding down the banister?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them."

• (Aunt Noreen) "Happy Birthday, Stuart. Do you remember which aunt I am?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The alcoholic?"
• (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?"
• (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then you must be the ugly one."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I'm sorry you're ugly."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, do you know what you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A happy meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."

• (Simon Cowell) "Jacko, freak of nature -- yes. Pedofile -- yes. She-male -- yes."
• (Simon Cowell) "American Idol, no."

• (Belma Buttons) "Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot."
• (Tovah McQueen) "God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky."

• (Simon Cowell) "You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster --"
• (Simon Cowell) "-- pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.