Mad TV (season 14) Quotes

Mad TV (season 14) is a television show that first aired in 2008 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Mad TV completed its run in 2009.

Mad TV (season 14) lasted 17 episodes.

Mad TV (season 14) Quotes

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about sliding down the banister?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them."

• (Police Officer) "Year and make of the car, please."
• (Driver) "It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer."

• (Bunifa Jackson) "Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then."
• (Appraiser) "I'm not interested in buying it."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "No, no it's okay, I'll take the six."
• (Appraiser) "No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer"
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Then why you offer me $6?"
• (Appraiser) "No, I didn't."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did."
• (Appraiser) "No I didn't."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did. Yes you did. Yes you did. Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar. She just called me a liar. I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch."
• (Appraiser) "Ma'am I did not call you any of those names."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf. I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate."

• (Destiny) "Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you."
• (Destiny) "Even though we are the same age --"
• (Tad) "That's right. We're both fifteen."
• (Destiny) "That's right."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Uh-uh-uh."

• (Will Sasso) "So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?"
• (Unnamed) "You are."

• (Aunt Noreen) "Happy Birthday, Stuart. Do you remember which aunt I am?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The alcoholic?"
• (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?"
• (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then you must be the ugly one."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I'm sorry you're ugly."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Stay away from my Danger Zone."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Dooooooon't."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What do you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A Happy Meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. That kind of talk is racist. What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother."
• (Doreen Larkin) "That's righ-"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Ohh. Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hmm-hmm. You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Okay --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The French are smelly and can't fight --"

• (Various) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Cloret) "Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?"
• (Countess Vaughn) "It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN."
• (Cloret) "You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you."

• (Announcer) "It's Mad TV."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about swearing?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats."

• (Dot) "Look how little my gloves are."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Look what I can do."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant. Isn't this fun?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The waiter's face looked weird."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's because he's Asian --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Goddddddd, that's cute."

• (Simon Cowell) "You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster --"
• (Simon Cowell) "-- pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me."

• (Drew Barrymore) "I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love."
• (Drew Barrymore) "Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready."
• (Drew Barrymore) "E.T.'s here?"

• (Mrs. Curtis) "Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass."

• (Malcolm X) "You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people."

• (Dot) "I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like; seven or ten."

• (Girl in Tow Truck) "I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family."
• (Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man) "Then you are stupid."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Serpentine."

• (Connie Chung) "You were great in "Chicago"."
• (Catherine Zeta-Jones) "Thank you, that means a lot."
• (Connie Chung) "I know what "thank you" means."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight -- oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly."

• (Cosby) "If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person."

• (Police Officer) "Was he a black man or a white man?"
• (Ms. Swan) "You know -- black-a like you, black-a like me."

• (Dr. Kylie) "If you married Darth Vader, you would be Ella Vader."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about lying?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "Now see, that is why I never did buy a gun is because I just don't think shooting yourself sounds like any fun."
• (Man) "Lady, I didn't do it on purpose."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "You didn't? Well, now, let me ask you a question -- do you have a television?"
• (Man) "Yes."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Have you ever seen this TV show? It's called "The News"?"

• (Mr. Swan) "Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me."

• (Unnamed) "Look, you can't go around killing people all the time."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "You just can't."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future."

• (Dot) "My dream is to go swimming in my Hallowe'en costume."

• (Edward) "I don't get it."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, do you know what you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A happy meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."

• (Bob Dole) "Maybe I can win Texas, but I can't win your love. And Texas doesn't look good naked."

• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch."
• (Rogaine Washington) "Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid."

• (Dixie Wetsworth) "You like? I like."

• (Dr. Phil) "You're like a little Latino sponge, sucking up what you like to have."
• (Dr. Phil) "What the frick? Is that a camera?"

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee."

• (Connie Chung) "I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games."

• (Nurse) "It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off."
• (Vancome Lady) "Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about the smoking?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Smoking is for Europeans and white trash."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?"
• (Various) "His what?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there."
• (Various) "I'm sorry, I don't understand --"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh."

• (Belma Buttons) "Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot."
• (Tovah McQueen) "God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky."

• (Unnamed) "So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Um-hum."
• (Unnamed) "Well, how does that makes you feel?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you -- You know, sweetie, it's not your fault."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Aaaaahhh."
• (Unnamed) "Stuart, that was not very nice."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Say that into the microphone."
• (Unnamed) "If I do, will we be friends?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't know."
• (Unnamed) "Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine."

• (Eve) "If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?"

• (Jovan Muskatelle) "It was crazy as hell, man. Pandemonium 2004."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating."

• (Fantana 1) "It's so hot --"
• (Fantana 2) "And hard to think."
• (Fantana 3) "Don't you want a Fanta?"

• (Chuck) "Have you ever been arrested?"
• (Trina) "Well --"
• (Chuck) "Well what?"
• (Trina) "Well, last March my cousin accused me of stealing her baby. I just wanted to hold it, for a few days, in Mexico, rename it, cut and dye its hair, tattoo things on its pretty little toes. It was all just a huge mistake"

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape."
• (Stuart Larkin) "They look like this."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't have a lazy eye."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Ohh. Yes you do."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?"

• (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
• (Shelly) "What?"
• (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
• (Marvin Tikvah) "C'MON."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from."

• (Various) "Where are the strawberries?"

• (Customer) "I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did."
• (Cloret) "And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "That is so awful for your father to be dying of cancer. It's just horrible. Now -- can I ask you a question? Was he a smoker?"
• (Daughter) "Um, yes. Yes, he was."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well then I just don't understand how he could be surprised. I mean it says it right there on the side of the box, doesn't it? "Smoking Causes Cancer." I know 'cause I've seen it on there. Now -- can I ask you a question? Can your father read?"
• (Daughter) "Of course he can read."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well, I just thought maybe he was illiterate and that was why he was surprised when he got cancer. Because it does say right there on the box --"

• (Dancer) "Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Well I'm not a ho, either."

• (Diane Sawyer) "I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me."
• (Ted Koppel) "I'm Ted Koppel."

• (Man) "Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The world."

• (Phil LaMarr) "And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control."

• (Ms. Swan) "What the hell?"

• (Vancome Lady) "Shaaa -- You know what?"

• (Various) "I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Let me do it."

• (Piano Teacher) "Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hm hmm."
• (Piano Teacher) "You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "If I said I did it, I did it."

• (Spishak Spokesman) "How many times has this happened to you?"

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