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MASH (film) Quotes

MASH (film) is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . MASH ended its run in 1970.

It features Ingo Preminger as producer, Johnny Mandel in charge of musical score, and Harold E. Stine as head of cinematography.

MASH (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of MASH (film) is 116 minutes long. MASH (film) is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: John Schuck as Painless, Gary Burghoff as Radar, Bobby Troup as SSgt. Gorman, Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye Pierce, Elliott Gould as Trapper John, Robert Duvall as Frank Burns, Fred Williamson as Spearchucker, G. Wood as Gen. Hammond, Jo Ann Pflug as Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider, René Auberjonois as Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy, David Arkin as SSgt. Vollmer, Timothy Brown as Cpl. Judson, Michael Murphy as Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV, and Kim Atwood as Ho-Jon.

MASH (film) Quotes

G. Wood as Gen. Hammond

  • (G. Wood) "Henry, I have a report here from your Major O'Houlihan. Now she makes some accusations here that I frankly find hard to believe."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye."
  • (G. Wood) "What kind of team is this? They're falling around like dead flies."

Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye Pierce

  • (Colonel Blake) "We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili --"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "How many nurses do we have on the base, sir?"
  • (Colonel Blake) "Seventeen."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "How many will be on my?"
  • (Colonel Blake) "Four -- than a civilian surgeon has in a month."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace. Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him."
  • (Capt. Peterson) "What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all."
  • (Capt. Peterson) "You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Ham and eggs will all right."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way."
  • (Capt. Peterson) "Oh."
  • (Capt. Peterson) "Oh. Fool."
  • (Unnamed) "How do you want your steak cooked?"
  • (Motor Pool Sergeant) "What in the hell do you think you're doing?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Huh? I was just; uh --"
  • (Motor Pool Sergeant) "Just because you're a captain, don't think you run the joint. I run it."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Yeah, all right, I'm just supposed to --"
  • (Motor Pool Sergeant) "Yeah I know what you're supposed to do. Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Racist."
  • (Capt. 'Ugly John' Black) "Anybody know if this is an officer or an enlisted man?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "He's an enlisted man."
  • (Capt. 'Ugly John' Black) "Make the stitches bigger."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I know how we can make some money. We leave him --"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "out of the first half of the game, we bet half our money, they roll up some points. Now, second half of the game, we stick him in, we bet the other half of our money, we get odds from them, we clean up."
  • (Colonel Blake) "That's very good thinking, Captain."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Hot Lips, would you like to see these pictures of my kids?"
  • (Hotlips O'Houlihan) "I'm not the slightest bit interested."
  • (Colonel Blake) "You men just passing through?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "I was just enjoying that lovely dish there."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there --"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Captain Hawkeye Pierce."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Uh, Captain -- Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and --"
  • (Colonel Blake) "Good. Good. You've been working close to the front."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?"
  • (Capt. Murrhardt) "No, sir, first time I ever seen them."
  • (Capt. Bandini) "Maybe those are the replacements."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons."
  • (Capt. Bandini) "I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat."
  • (Colonel Blake) "They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food."
  • (Duke Forrest) "I think I'm in love. Uh,"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this."
  • (Capt. Murrhardt) "Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you -- says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Pretty girl, ain't she?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Uh, what is it, men?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent."
  • (Colonel Blake) "YOUR tent?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'."
  • (Colonel Blake) "I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night --"
  • (Colonel Blake) "Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Henry, there is just one more thing --"
  • (Colonel Blake) "I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "A chest cutter."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Nope."
  • (Colonel Blake) "I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?"
  • (Elliott Gould) "A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Don't you guys use olives?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know."
  • (Elliott Gould) "You see, otherwise, it just doesn't -- quite -- make it."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Uh, 4077 M A S H?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "This is the Jeep, yeah."
  • (Duke Forrest) "'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Yes, sir. Yes, sir."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon."
  • (Hotlips O'Houlihan) "Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye"."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce."
  • (Hotlips O'Houlihan) "Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Oh come off it, MAJOR. You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch -- And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you -- You're what we call a regular army clown."

Elliott Gould as Trapper John

  • (Elliott Gould) "-- No, no, no food, no food. Sex. I want sex. Give me some sex."
  • (Elliott Gould) "No, no, no, that one, the sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me."
  • (Duke Forrest) "What color was her hair?"
  • (Elliott Gould) "Black, shiny. Shiny black hair."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I knew it. I knew you had a; - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Hear, hear."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir."
  • (Duke Forrest) "I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "You have yourself a bet, sir."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "You're my witness."
  • (Elliott Gould) "I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "We -- We gotta all see it together. Somehow."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Lieutenant. You look terrible. Look at -- Captain look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Oh no, no, here take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts. I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school, oh my goodness. Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare for major surgery, this is one case in five, I think I can save you Lieutenant."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Lieutenant, I think I can save you. Look, take one of these every half hour, now get into your helicopter, and button up your shirt for crying out loud. You're in a military army."
  • (Colonel Blake) "What the hell's gotten into you?"
  • (Elliott Gould) "I dunno. I must be losing my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up."
  • (Elliott Gould) "General, you can't blame Henry because Hot Lips can't stand her name."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Well, what's the matter with her today?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things."
  • (Elliott Gould) "It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "She can't even get out of the door, look."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she --"
  • (Robert Duvall) "Mind your own business."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?"
  • (Elliott Gould) "Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Ohhhh, is that a fact?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?"
  • (Robert Duvall) "Keep your filthy mouth to yourself."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Get him off me. I've got glasses. Get him off me."
  • (Duke Forrest) "What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Frank Burns has gone nuts. I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye."
  • (Elliott Gould) "I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Dish, let me have a long needle holder."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Hey, Dago. Dago. Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now. Please, come on, now."
  • (René Auberjonois) "Sorry, I'm coming."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Hi, Dago."
  • (Duke Forrest) "I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell -- Where the hell -- Do ya see it?"
  • (Elliott Gould) "But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones --"
  • (Elliott Gould) "Oh -- who is --"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones."
  • (Elliott Gould) "He's a good ball player?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD."

Jo Ann Pflug as Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider

  • (Duke Forrest) "I can't stop that bleeding down there."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp."
  • (Jo Ann Pflug) "Captain Pierce, did you call me?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye."
  • (Duke Forrest) "I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Nurse, you got a clamp?"
  • (Jo Ann Pflug) "Yes."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Scratch my nose. A little harder."

Robert Duvall as Frank Burns

  • (Robert Duvall) "You idiot, I said a cardiac needle."
  • (Pvt. Lorenzo Boone) "Do you want me to get a nurse?"
  • (Robert Duvall) "Too late, Boone, you killed him."
  • (Robert Duvall) "What's that?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "That's a martin-eye, Frank."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?"
  • (Robert Duvall) "I don't drink."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Jesus Christ, I think he means it."
  • (Duke Forrest) "I think we've been had, Hawkeye."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I think you're right, babe."
  • (Robert Duvall) "I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?"
  • (Duke Forrest) "No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't."
  • (Duke Forrest) "What's this here?"
  • (Robert Duvall) "This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it."
  • (Duke Forrest) "I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures."
  • (Kim Atwood) "May I leave now, Major?"
  • (Robert Duvall) "Sure, Ho-Jon."
  • (Robert Duvall) "God meant us to find each other."
  • (Hotlips O'Houlihan) "His will be done."
  • (Robert Duvall) "I don't drink."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "Jesus Christ, I think he means it."

David Arkin as SSgt. Vollmer

  • (David Arkin) "How was your visit, sir?"
  • (Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake) "Oh fine, the general wasn't there."
  • (David Arkin) "Sir, about last night -- well -- there -- there was nothing I could do."
  • (Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake) "Nothing you could do --"
  • (Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake) "Well then it couldn't have been helped."
  • (David Arkin) "Thank you, sir."
  • (David Arkin) "Hey, wait a minute, you can't go in the colonel's office."
  • (Donald Sutherland) "That's who we're looking for, babe."

Gary Burghoff as Radar

  • (Colonel Blake) "Radar."
  • (Gary Burghoff) "Sir?"
  • (Colonel Blake) "What's the general trying to say?"
  • (Gary Burghoff) "He's just been informed as to the identity of our, uh, Spearchucker. His ringer spotted our ringer."
  • (Colonel Blake) "How do ya like them apples, Charlie?"
  • (Colonel Blake) "Get everything out of the Jeep --"
  • (Gary Burghoff) "Don't worry about the Jeep. I'll change the numbers."
  • (Colonel Blake) "-- Oh, and change the numbers on that Jeep."
  • (Gary Burghoff) "Did you finish the papers?"
  • (David Arkin) "What?"
  • (Gary Burghoff) "You don't know about the papers?"
  • (David Arkin) "What papers?"
  • (Gary Burghoff) "The colonel left some papers."
  • (David Arkin) "Why didn't you tell me about the papers?"

Michael Murphy as Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV

  • (Michael Murphy) "Who are you guys?"
  • (Donald Sutherland) "I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde."
  • (Elliott Gould) "Grrrr."
  • (Michael Murphy) "Why don't you save that rapier-like wit for the clam-diggers back home, Hawkeye?"

René Auberjonois as Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy

  • (René Auberjonois) "Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Who?"
  • (René Auberjonois) "The Battling Bickersons. I love them."

John Schuck as Painless

  • (John Schuck) "All right, Bub, your f***in' head is coming right off."

Fred Williamson as Spearchucker

  • (Colonel Blake) "I think it's important we go over the three basic principles: organization, discipline, and team work."
  • (Fred Williamson) "Excuse me, but do you mind if we limber up first?"
  • (Colonel Blake) "Oh, th-that's a good idea. You organize that."
  • (Colonel Blake) "All right, men, we're not here to sell lemonade. We're here to practice. But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker. Is it all right to call you that?"
  • (Fred Williamson) "Call me whatever you want to."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Uh, officers and enlisted men alike."
  • (Fred Williamson) "I want to make sure the oozing is checked before I close up."
  • (Duke Forrest) "Damn perfectionist."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Alright, men. we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice. But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker to our team. It is okay to call you that?"
  • (Fred Williamson) "Call me whatever you want to."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field. Officers and men alike."
  • (Colonel Blake) "I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. You know, usually in football you have some organized plays --"
  • (Fred Williamson) "If you don't mind, I took the liberty."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Oh, you have --"
  • (Fred Williamson) "I drew up about seven or eight plays. I figure that's about all this bunch can handle."
  • (Colonel Blake) "Oh, these are good. These are very good. Uh, what are these little arrows?"

Bobby Troup as SSgt. Gorman

  • (Bobby Troup) "god**** army."
  • (Bobby Troup) "god**** army jeep."
  • (Bobby Troup) "god**** Army."

Timothy Brown as Cpl. Judson

  • (Timothy Brown) "Bastard, 88, called me a coon."
  • (Fred Williamson) "Called you a what?"
  • (Timothy Brown) "Coon."
  • (Fred Williamson) "OK, that's an old pro trick, to get you thrown out of the ball game."
  • (Timothy Brown) "Well --"
  • (Fred Williamson) "Why don't you do the same thing to him?"
  • (Timothy Brown) "What, call him a coon?"

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