Meet the Fockers Quotes

Meet the Fockers is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Meet the Fockers ended its run in 1970.

It features Jane Rosenthal as producer, Randy Newman in charge of musical score, and John Schwartzman as head of cinematography.

Meet the Fockers is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Meet the Fockers is 115 minutes long. Meet the Fockers is distributed by Universal Pictures (North America).

The cast includes: Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes, Ben Stiller as Greg Focker, Barbra Streisand as Roz Focker, Dustin Hoffman as Bernie Focker, Blythe Danner as Dina Byrnes, Teri Polo as Pam Byrnes, Spencer and Bradley Pickren as Little Jack, Alanna Ubach as Isabel, and Shelley Berman as Judge Ira.

Meet the Fockers Quotes

Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes

• (Robert De Niro) "Okay we can play 3 on 2, but we'll need someone to be official quarterback."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Gay goes both ways."
• (Robert De Niro) "Oh, I'll bet he does."

• (Robert De Niro) "I'm down here -- under the bed."

• (Robert De Niro) "We use the Ferber method."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "We use the Focker method. We hugged and kissed that little boy like there was no tomorrow. We Fockerized him."

• (Robert De Niro) "You knew she was pregnant?"
• (Blythe Danner) "We all did, Jack."
• (Teri Polo) "Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear."
• (Robert De Niro) "This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things."
• (Teri Polo) "But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad."

• (Robert De Niro) "Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over."

• (Robert De Niro) "Officer, do you mind telling me why you're arresting these men?"
• (Officer LeFlore) "Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better. This is none of your business, looky-loo."
• (Robert De Niro) "At ease, son. Put down the taser."
• (Robert De Niro) "Jack Byrnes, C.I.A."
• (Officer LeFlore) "C.I -- what?"
• (Officer LeFlore) "It says here you're retired. What are you gonna show me next, your AARP card."
• (Robert De Niro) "Now you listen to me, and you listen good --"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "What's he doing?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Don't worry, he's going to get us out of this."
• (Robert De Niro) "You have no right to --"
• (Officer LeFlore) "Stand down, sir."
• (Robert De Niro) "No, I will not stand, you will stand down."
• (Officer LeFlore) "I will not stand down."
• (Robert De Niro) "Oh, you will stand down or you will be walking a beat at a retirement home in Boyton Beach --"
• (Officer LeFlore) "Remain calm."

• (Robert De Niro) "Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Love -- friendship -- enjoying the moment -- living -- just love."
• (Robert De Niro) "His legacy."
• (Ben Stiller) "That, too. Right, yeah. Sure."
• (Robert De Niro) "Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain."

• (Robert De Niro) "We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL."

• (Robert De Niro) "Bernard, get out from under the vehicle or I will run you over."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "I'm not moving, Jack. There's a non-violent way to handle this."

• (Robert De Niro) "I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child."
• (Ben Stiller) "It was Barry Poppins."
• (Robert De Niro) "What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?"
• (Barbra Streisand) "Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain."
• (Robert De Niro) "It was your idea?"
• (Barbra Streisand) "Yes."
• (Robert De Niro) "What is wrong with you people?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "You people?"
• (Blythe Danner) "I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums."
• (Robert De Niro) "Yeah. Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?"
• (Robert De Niro) "He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment."
• (Barbra Streisand) "The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here."
• (Ben Stiller) "Mom."
• (Robert De Niro) "What are you saying?"
• (Barbra Streisand) "I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers."
• (Robert De Niro) "And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either."
• (Teri Polo) "Okay, Dad. That's my fiance."
• (Robert De Niro) "I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do."
• (Barbra Streisand) "Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug."
• (Robert De Niro) "The Little Jack in me?"
• (Barbra Streisand) "Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no."
• (Robert De Niro) "Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology."
• (Ben Stiller) "Everybody. All right. Everybody just -- Everybody just STOP, okay?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it."

• (Robert De Niro) "I don't want his first word to be a profanity."

• (Robert De Niro) "Dina. Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino. Shake a leg, woman."

• (Robert De Niro) "Sorry, Greg. It only comes in one gender."

• (Robert De Niro) "I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers."

Dustin Hoffman as Bernie Focker

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Jack, tell me one smart thing the C.L.I.A. has done. I will give you the deed to her house."
• (Robert De Niro) "The C.L.I.A.?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Central Lack of Intelligence Agency."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Do you want me to be macho wacho?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Dad, have I ever said the words macho wacho to you?"

• (Dustin Hoffman) "You weren't around in the '60's. This is how we got things done."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Jack, you've insulted me, my wife, my son and our entire way of life. I've sat back and taken it, but now you've crossed the line, sir, and I am going to have to kick your ass."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life? Used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle? No really, it's true. I only have one because the other one never dropped. It's called an undescending testicle. It's uh, not uncommon. But look at him. Imagine what he would've looked like if I had two."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Morning, partner."
• (Robert De Niro) "Morning."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Sleep okay?"
• (Robert De Niro) "I slept alright, thank you."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Almost done."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?"
• (Barbra Streisand) "I have no idea. Just press a button."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?"
• (Barbra Streisand) "I thought they give you gas."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "A little bit, but it's worth it."
• (Barbra Streisand) "Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga."
• (Barbra Streisand) "So make a chimichang --"

• (Dustin Hoffman) "There's my brother from another mother."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad."
• (Robert De Niro) "So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "Dina, you and I will take on Jack and Roz. Come on, Jack, it'll be fun; we'll swap wives."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. We just wanted him to love what he's doing. Know what I mean, Jack?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Well, whatever works."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "You think you can take me, flower man?"
• (Robert De Niro) "I think I can, Mr. Mom."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "You're going down, Byrnesie Boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down -- Oops, forgot my own rule."

• (Dustin Hoffman) "This is capoeira, man. This is some hardcore s***."

Blythe Danner as Dina Byrnes

• (Blythe Danner) "Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are finally getting married?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Wait a second; I think he spoke."
• (Robert De Niro) "Little Jack. Were you about to speak?"
• (Robert De Niro) "It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?"

• (Blythe Danner) "Bernie, this frittata is wonderful, what's in it?"
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet. I've never washed it."

• (Blythe Danner) "Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion."

• (Blythe Danner) "It's a custom designed, climate-controlled motor coach."
• (Robert De Niro) "Jack calls it the Highlight of our Twilight."

• (Blythe Danner) "Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake."

• (Blythe Danner) "Muskrat"

Shelley Berman as Judge Ira

• (Shelley Berman) "Bingo, Bango, Bongo."
• (Barbra Streisand) "The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action."

Ben Stiller as Greg Focker

• (Ben Stiller) "Sorry, Buddy; gotta keep this rig under 55 -- Captain Jack's orders."

• (Ben Stiller) "Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained."
• (Ben Stiller) "Dad, he humps everything that moves."
• (Barbra Streisand) "He's like your father."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "I never cheated on you."

• (Ben Stiller) "What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you."
• (Ben Stiller) "How's that for a sign?"

• (Ben Stiller) "What happened last night?"
• (Teri Polo) "Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant, you revealed you have a 15 year old son named Jorge, and oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom."

• (Ben Stiller) "And if that mockingbird don't sing, then -- Greg is gonna buy you a -- diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then -- Greg is gonna feel like a -- big asshole."
• (Spencer and Bradley Pickren) "-- Asshole."
• (Ben Stiller) "--. No -- oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word."
• (Spencer and Bradley Pickren) "Asshole."

• (Ben Stiller) "This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what."
• (Ben Stiller) "You're not in it."
• (Robert De Niro) "You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle."
• (Ben Stiller) "You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now."
• (Robert De Niro) "That is untrue. I say who's in or out of the circle."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Nobody's."

• (Ben Stiller) "It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby."
• (Ben Stiller) "I still masturbate to Pam."
• (Teri Polo) "Greg."
• (Ben Stiller) "What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her. Look at those boobs. Man. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just"
• (Ben Stiller) ". Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there."
• (Teri Polo) "Honey."
• (Ben Stiller) "Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect. Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes. Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes. You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'. Woo, look at her. Sweetness."
• (Ben Stiller) "Good genes. Byrnes gene pool."
• (Ben Stiller) "Hey, hey you. Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel."
• (Teri Polo) "Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?"
• (Ben Stiller) "No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here. Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa."
• (Ben Stiller) "It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out."

• (Ben Stiller) "They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing."
• (Robert De Niro) "Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?"
• (Ben Stiller) "They wouldn't."

• (Ben Stiller) "And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?"
• (Robert De Niro) "Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult."
• (Blythe Danner) "Muskrat."
• (Robert De Niro) "Huh?"
• (Blythe Danner) "Muskrat, Jack."
• (Robert De Niro) "Oh right."
• (Robert De Niro) "Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands."

• (Ben Stiller) "What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little -- funky."
• (Robert De Niro) "That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg."

Barbra Streisand as Roz Focker

• (Barbra Streisand) "I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest."

• (Barbra Streisand) "Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers."
• (Robert De Niro) "50 Fockers. What could be better?"

• (Barbra Streisand) "Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level."
• (Ben Stiller) "Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you."

• (Barbra Streisand) "I think that baby might need a couple pulls on that knocker of your's, Jack."

• (Barbra Streisand) "Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer?"
• (Blythe Danner) "What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy."

• (Barbra Streisand) "See that's Greg getting circumcised."
• (Dustin Hoffman) "We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it."
• (Barbra Streisand) "The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell."
• (Ben Stiller) "You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle."

Teri Polo as Pam Byrnes

• (Teri Polo) "In a few weeks, I'm not going to be Pam Byrnes. I'm going to be Pamela Focker."
• (Ben Stiller) "Or Byrnes-Focker, we haven't totally decided yet."
• (Teri Polo) "No, no, no, I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but that's the name I'm taking."

• (Teri Polo) "Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that."
• (Ben Stiller) "No, I didn't tell her. She guessed."
• (Teri Polo) "She what?"
• (Ben Stiller) "Yeah, and then she told my dad."
• (Teri Polo) "Oh, my God."

• (Teri Polo) "This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great."
• (Ben Stiller) "They're great in small doses."

Alanna Ubach as Isabel

• (Alanna Ubach) "He is a handsome little Focker."
• (Robert De Niro) "He's not a Focker."

Spencer and Bradley Pickren as Little Jack

• (Spencer and Bradley Pickren) "Ass-'ole"

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