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Meet the Parents Quotes

Meet the Parents is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Meet the Parents stopped airing in 1970.

It features Nancy Tenenbaum as producer, Randy Newman in charge of musical score, and Peter James (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Meet the Parents is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Meet the Parents is 108 minutes long. Meet the Parents is distributed by Universal Pictures (North America).

The cast includes: Blythe Danner as Dina Byrnes, Ben Stiller as Greg Focker, Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes, Teri Polo as Pam Byrnes, James Rebhorn as Larry, Tom McCarthy as Bob Banks, Jon Abrahams as Denny Byrnes, Owen Wilson as Kevin, and Nicole DeHuff as Deborah Byrnes.

Meet the Parents Quotes

Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes

  • (Robert De Niro) "Greg's in medicine too."
  • (Tom McCarthy) "What field?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Nursing."
  • (Tom McCarthy) "Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Nursing."
  • (Robert De Niro) "If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Would you be honest and faithful to her?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Of course."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Did you flush this toilet?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Maybe -- You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted -- relieved himself."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it."
  • (Ben Stiller) "What does it matter?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Of course, yeah."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Good. Keep your snake in it's cage for 72 hours."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I will be watching you."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Greg's a male nurse."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes. Thank you, Jack."
  • (Owen Wilson) "Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Denny can you- what is that?"
  • (Jon Abrahams) "Oh this, um, well, it's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket."
  • (Robert De Niro) "This isn't a sculpture. It's a device people use to smoke marijiuana."
  • (Jon Abrahams) "Reeaally."
  • (Robert De Niro) "So what if he took the MCATs? He's still not good enough for Pam."
  • (Blythe Danner) "Who is, Jack? Nobody has ever been good enough for your Pam. I mean, do you realize that you never even warmed up to Kevin until she broke up with him? Maybe it's time you think about what Pam wants."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Greg's a male nurse."
  • (Robert De Niro) "You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "What are you driving there? Ford?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah it's a Taurus. Yeah, we were going to get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks. Might as well go all out, and pop for the full-size."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Sure. Interesting color. You pick it?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Well, they say geniuses pick green. But you didn't pick it."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you so if I set you up with the ball, you think you could jump up and spike it?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I bet you would, Panama Red."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Jesus, Focker. It's just a game."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Oh, geez. I just thought of something."
  • (Blythe Danner) "What?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Pam's middle name."
  • (Blythe Danner) "Martha -- Oh, no."
  • (Blythe Danner) "Pamela Martha Focker."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Sure, I think so."
  • (Robert De Niro) "No. The answer is you cannot."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Why don't you try that on?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, that's okay."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Oh, come on. We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I-I shouldn't."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Why should you be afraid? You have nothing to hide."
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, I know."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I know you know, so there shouldn't be any problem."
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, there's no problem."
  • (Robert De Niro) "So, try it on."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Okay."
  • (Robert De Niro) ""My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life / You gave me milk / You gave me courage / Your name was Angela / The angel from Heaven / But you were also an angel of God / And He needed you, too / Selfishly I tried to keep you here / While the cancer ate away your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force / But I couldn't save you / and I shall see your face nevermore, nevermore, nevermore / Until we meet in heaven."
  • (Teri Polo) "Dad, that's beautiful."
  • (Blythe Danner) "It always gets me."
  • (Ben Stiller) "That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Don't worry. You'll enjoy this."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Did you fly on an airplane today?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes, I did."
  • (Robert De Niro) "No peeking. Did we eat potroast for dinner tonight?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Was it under-cooked?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, it was rare."
  • (Ben Stiller) "It was a little rare for my taste."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I'm just kidding"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Relax. Relax. The needles are jumping."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Have you ever watched pornographic videos?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No. I mean, well, I don't --"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Yes or no?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Greg, how come you don't like cats?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "I don't not like cats. I-I just; I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know. Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of --"
  • (Robert De Niro) "You need that assurance, do you? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "I --"
  • (Robert De Niro) "You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Is your name Gaylord Focker, yes or no?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Are you a male nurse?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Are you a pothead?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Have you ever smoked pot?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Because you love my daughter Pam?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Do you want to marry her?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Do you want to marry her?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "I did, till I met you."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown."

Blythe Danner as Dina Byrnes

  • (Blythe Danner) "Looks like we've got another wedding to plan."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Yep. Just got to do one more thing."
  • (Blythe Danner) "What's that?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Meet his parents."
  • (Blythe Danner) "Jack --"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful, fascinating people."
  • (Blythe Danner) "Good night, Jack."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker?"
  • (Blythe Danner) "Now Greg, you have a very unique last name. Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, just like it's spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R."
  • (Blythe Danner) "F-Focker."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Hmm, Focker. Hmm."
  • (Blythe Danner) "I had no idea you could milk a cat."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?"

Ben Stiller as Greg Focker

  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Will you marry me?"
  • (Greg's Hospital Patient) "Yes."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Seriously, do you think that sounds good?"
  • (Greg's Hospital Patient) "No."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Really, because I think that pretty much sums up everything --"
  • (Greg's Hospital Patient) "No."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, sorry."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Sometimes these catheters can pinch a little bit."
  • (Norm) "I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing --"
  • (Norm) "You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb."
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, I said I didn't have a bomb."
  • (Norm) "But you said bomb."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I said, "It's not like I have a bomb"."
  • (Norm) "You said "Bomb" on an airplane."
  • (Ben Stiller) "What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?"
  • (Norm) "You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb. During the war I was a BOMBadier."
  • (Norm) "You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Hey Jinx, Mew, mew, mew. Supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet, f***er."
  • (Ben Stiller) "O dear God, thank you. You are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God. And we thank You O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smörgåsbord You have so aptly lain at our table this day, and each day -- by day. Day by day -- by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray: To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly day by day -- by day. Amen."
  • (Ben Stiller) "You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?"
  • (Flight Attendant) "Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take --"
  • (Ben Stiller) "okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws off my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations."
  • (Flight Attendant) "Sir, sir."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you. And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch."
  • (Late Night Courier) "Gaylord M. Focker?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "That's me."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I thought your name was Greg."
  • (Ben Stiller) "It is."
  • (Late Night Courier) "That's not what it says here."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade."
  • (Jon Abrahams) "Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "This handles like a dream."
  • (James Rebhorn) "Let's not make it a nightmare."
  • (Flight Attendant) "I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I got it."
  • (Flight Attendant) "No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit."
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, no, I'm not; hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?"
  • (Flight Attendant) "There's no need to raise your voice, sir."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?"
  • (Flight Attendant) "Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage --"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?"
  • (Flight Attendant) "No --"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "What do you mean?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "You know, the whole drug thing?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Some people think that to "puff the magic dragon" means to- They're really, uh; to smoke; to smoke; a marijuana cigarette."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Right."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Are you a pothead, Focker?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No. No. What? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm; I'm not; I; I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Yes or no, Greg?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No. Yes. No."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah, you gave me the wrong suitcase. Uh-huh. Yes, it's a black Samsonite. Uh-huh. Ok, well don't you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, MADE MORE THAN ONE BLACK SUITCASE?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up."
  • (Robert De Niro) "He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and opposable thumbs."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down."
  • (Jon Abrahams) "Down low."
  • (Ben Stiller) "No doubt."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues."
  • (Robert De Niro) "If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Would you lighten up a lot ?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Yeah."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yes or no?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Yes."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Would you let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "I promise not to interfere in your lives all the time."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Jack, yes or no?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Ever?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Okay, yes."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai."
  • (Blythe Danner) "Jack can't talk Thai."
  • (Ben Stiller) "Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well."
  • (Ben Stiller) "It's beautiful -- what is it?"
  • (Owen Wilson) "It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH -- Chupah?"

Teri Polo as Pam Byrnes

  • (Teri Polo) "What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me."
  • (Teri Polo) "Hey, listen, be nice to this one, okay? I kinda like him."
  • (Teri Polo) "I love you, Dad, but you can be a real jerk sometimes."
  • (Teri Polo) "Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents."
  • (Ben Stiller) "What are they -- Amish?"
  • (Teri Polo) "Geez, Dad. You ever think of knocking?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?"
  • (James Rebhorn) "I'd say rounding 2nd base."

Nicole DeHuff as Deborah Byrnes

  • (Nicole DeHuff) "No. We are not going to cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Stupid cat? How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "Denny. DENNY?"
  • (Jon Abrahams) "Right here, dad."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Okay, you're going to fill in as the ring bearer for now --"
  • (Jon Abrahams) "What? No, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Oh yes you damn well will."

Owen Wilson as Kevin

  • (Owen Wilson) "I guess I would have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're going to follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Hmm."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Greg's Jewish."
  • (Owen Wilson) "Are you?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "Yeah."
  • (Owen Wilson) "Well so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company."
  • (Owen Wilson) "There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry."
  • (Robert De Niro) "I think they call that the 'munchies'."

Jon Abrahams as Denny Byrnes

  • (Jon Abrahams) "You just sniffing my boxers, man?"
  • (Ben Stiller) "No, dude"

Tom McCarthy as Bob Banks

  • (Tom McCarthy) "What is that smell?"
  • (Robert De Niro) "That smell, Bob, is our s***. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed."
  • (Ben Stiller) "I told you, Jack, it wasn't me. It was Jinx."
  • (Robert De Niro) "Focker, I'm not going to tell you again. Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes."
  • (James Rebhorn) "The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker."

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