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Mr. Show with Bob and David Quotes

Mr. Show with Bob and David is a TV program that was first aired in 1995 on HBO. Mr. Show with Bob and David completed its run in 1998.

Mr. Show with Bob and David aired for 4 seasons and 30 episodes. It features Bill Odenkirk as producer. Mr. Show with Bob and David is executive produced by David Cross. Mr. Show with Bob and David is created by Bob Odenkirk.

Each episode of Mr. Show with Bob and David is 30 minutes long. Mr. Show with Bob and David is produced by Brillstein Entertainment Partners and distributed by Warner Bros. Television.

Mr. Show with Bob and David Quotes

  • (Unnamed) "Tonight, the part of Bob Odenkirk will be played by -- Kedzie Matthews. Winner of the San Diego Red Owl Rye Laff-Quest and College Comic of the Year, Southwest Region, 1992."
  • (Bob) "god****it."
  • (Mrs. Applesway) "Language."
  • (Bob) "Jimmy. What the hell is this young man?"
  • (David) "I know?"
  • (Bob) "I'll tell you what it is. It's a box of big black dildos. You and your sister were supposed to put these out last night."
  • (David) "I'll do it later."
  • (Bob) "You'll do it now."
  • (David) "Ow."
  • (Bob) "And next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head."
  • (David) "Stupid dildos."
  • (Bob) "Don't blame the dildos."
  • (Bob) "I can't get him to do it."
  • (Unnamed) "Well you're going to"
  • (David) "Jim? Hey man, who are you talking to in there?"
  • (Bob) "Just relax Kevin, I'm just having a chatty pee in here."
  • (Unnamed) "Take it from me, I love you."
  • ("Keith" the U.S. Customs guy) "Where you coming from?"
  • (Unnamed) "I was in Italy and then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, Davey, aren't you supposed to be doing your show?"
  • (David) "Yeah, I am. But Bob's in there, f***in' s*** up old-school."
  • (David) "This little motherf***er's tasty."
  • (Uncle Mustard) "Let's get the hell outta here."
  • (Unnamed) "Mr. Phelps, we're all actors. And --"
  • (Unnamed) "Well I'm sorry to hear about it, John."
  • (Unnamed) "Well it is hard being an actor but --"
  • (Unnamed) "What's so hard about it? I've seen actors in plays before, it's stupid. Everybody says Shakespeare's so great. Well how come nobody's ever heard of him. Hell I'll write 'cha a play. All you need is a silly old king's hat, and some fancy sissy clothes out of your sister's drawers, and ya get up on the stage, and ya go nuts."
  • (Bob) "Listen, lady. I don't come to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth."
  • (David) "I saw the s*** out of it."
  • (Ronnie Dobbs) "Terry. I thought you was in Hawaii."
  • (Terry Twillstein) "A lot of people think a lot of things about Hawaii."
  • (Unnamed) "Sad songs are nature's onions."
  • (Bob) "Okay, as part of a new government program, certain artists have been assigned senators to monitor them."
  • (David) "They made me wear a tracking collar."
  • (Bob) "If David steps on a stage, it produces a low-level electric shock."
  • (David) "It's not low-level, it really hurts."
  • (Bob) "Okay look, obviously the show isn't that important to you."
  • (Unnamed) "Now I have a question and I know you all have it, too. WHAT is up Satan's ass? All he wants to do is f*** us up, the dicklicker. The lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now he could of easily have said, "I am King s*** of f*** Mountain -- Why would you f*** with me?" I'm the only preacher with the f***ing balls, and you know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee, you s***-eating, cock-sucking, mother-f***ing son of a b." Can I get a f***in' a?"
  • (Bob) "When you came here, your heads were filled with soup. When you leave here, your mind will be like -- a steel trap. A steel trap with the bloody foot of law caught in it, crying for its mommy."
  • (Unnamed) "Do you really believe that court cases are decided by juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh Danny, how could you be so naive?"
  • (Unnamed) "Dan, court cases are decided by a series of blow jobs. In fact, our entire civilization is built on blow jobs."
  • (Bob) "Hey, watch your mouth."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't you tell me what to do you little piece of."
  • (Bob) "Hey, kiss my you."
  • (F.F. Woodycooks) "Have you seen this man's ass? It's wanted for smuggling 20 million pounds of narcotics into the United States. Also: Have you seen this man? He's wanted; by crooks everywhere, for trying to"
  • (David) "Bob, men can kiss. Men can get married. There's even a pill now that lets men make love to each other."
  • (Announcer) "With the supermodel calling service, thousands of supermodels will call you around the clock."
  • (Andre) "Thousands? Clock?"
  • (Bob) "Every time a cast member swears, they have to put a nickel in the swearing jar."
  • (David) "The money goes to Swears For Cares, an non-profit organization committed to raising money through swearing."
  • (Bob) "So hopefully, we'll make a little difference."
  • (David) "A little f***ing difference."
  • (Bob) "Don't you wanna read the nice card? Look at that, you got a nice little kitten and some spilled milk. And inside it says, "Meow, meow, looks like you got me. We accepted the gold stolen by Nazis. But time has passed and wounds have healed. We were bad little kitties and we wuv you. Signed, Switzerland." Isn't that nice? See that, the country is like the cat, and the spilled milk is like your relatives."
  • (Bob) "You've taught me that not all things are stupid. Some things are gay --"
  • (David) "What are you saying, sir?"
  • (Bob) "I'm saying, pack your bags, cause we're headed up my mom's ass."
  • (Unnamed) "That's right, Bob. Listen to your friend, a person who makes more money than you, is better than you, and therefore beyond criticism. This is called the Worthington Law and it's used to gauge the value of human worth."
  • (Unnamed) "Now let's knock these other ones out, Voice-over King, before we go to lunch, okay?"
  • (Bob) "All right."
  • (Bob) "To win, you must be 18 and come in first place."
  • (Unnamed) "Great. Moving on."
  • (Bob) "Offer expires -- nnnnow."
  • (Unnamed) "Zippidy-doo-dah. Next."
  • (Bob) "Not be confused with the disease cancer."
  • (Unnamed) "Zippidy-a. Movin' on."
  • (Bob) "Harvard's Memory Loss Clinic: established in 1952, 1967, and for the first time in 1981."
  • (Unnamed) "That was a good one, Bob. We're gonna do that disclaimer about the John Tesh album. You got that? Should be on the page there, Bob."
  • (Bob) "Not suitable for any living thing."
  • (Unnamed) "That Red Rocks thing is awful. Moving on."
  • (Bob) "Mr. Pickle's Fun Time Abortion Clinics: We'll bring out the kid in ya."
  • (Senator Howell Tankerbell) "Now I would like to address this Arts Funding issue. Now this all reminds me of a humorous story of a travelling salesman. Let's say that the taxpayer is a farmer, and the government is a salesman. Well, the farmer says "You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor and don't stick your willy into any of the three holes in the wall." Well in this case, the salesman's willy represents the taxpayer's money, you understand. Well, the government, like the salesman, can't help himself. Sticks his willy in the first hole, it feels good. Sticks his willy in the second hole, it feels even better. Sticks his willy in the third hole and it hurts like hell and it won't let go. Well in the morning the farmer comes out and he explains: "Behind the first hole was my wife, behind the second hole was my daughter, and behind the third hole was a milking machine that don't let go 'till it gets 50 GALLONS." HAHAHAHA. Gentlemen, I propose that this Arts Funding is like a milking machine, and unless we shut it down it's gonna whip our dicks right off."
  • (Unnamed) "So the show never got aired because we were just living in a different time, you know. People were thinking differently."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah, man, it was like just biting into an orange was like going through a citrus mountain."

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