National Lampoon's Vacation Quotes

National Lampoon's Vacation is a television show that debuted in 1970 . National Lampoon's Vacation completed its run in 1970.

It features Matty Simmons as producer, Ralph Burns in charge of musical score, and Victor J. Kemper as head of cinematography.

National Lampoon's Vacation is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of National Lampoon's Vacation is 98 minutes long. National Lampoon's Vacation is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Chevy Chase as Clark, Anthony Michael Hall as Rusty Griswold, James Keach as Motorcycle Cop, Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen Griswold, Dana Barron as Audrey Griswold, Jane Krakowski as Cousin Vicki, Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie, Chevy Chase as Clark Griswald, Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen Griswald, Dana Barron as Audrey Griswald, Imogene Coca as Aunt Edna, Randy Quaid as Eddie, Eddie Bracken as Roy Walley, John Candy as Lasky, Anthony Michael Hall as Rusty, and John P. Navin Jr. as Cousin Dale.

National Lampoon's Vacation Quotes

Chevy Chase as Clark Griswald

• (Chevy Chase) "Russ, please don't eat the Truckster."

• (Chevy Chase) "She can't weigh more than 100 pounds."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof."
• (Dana Barron) "Yes, he can."
• (Chevy Chase) "You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something."

• (Mechanic 2) "Ain't never seen anyone so s***-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains."
• (Chevy Chase) "Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much?"
• (Mechanic 1) "How much you got?"
• (Chevy Chase) "No, I'm asking how much the repairs are."
• (Mechanic 1) "And I'm asking how much you got."
• (Chevy Chase) "You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, OK? So how much is it?"
• (Mechanic 1) "All of it, boy."
• (Chevy Chase) "What does your sheriff think of your business practices?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Roll 'em up."

• (Chevy Chase) "Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Hi officer, what's the problem?"
• (James Keach) "Get out of the car."
• (Chevy Chase) "I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?"
• (James Keach) "Shut your mouth, sir. You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality.""
• (Chevy Chase) "Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain --"
• (James Keach) "Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch."
• (Chevy Chase) "Oh my God --"

• (Chevy Chase) "Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look -- I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible."
• (James Keach) "How do you think that little dog feels?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident."
• (James Keach) "Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid."
• (James Keach) "Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so."
• (James Keach) "Tough little mutt --"

• (Chevy Chase) "O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her -- give her a break."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark -- Clark -- This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself."
• (Chevy Chase) "Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Aaaaaah. Jesus. f***."

• (Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld) "That's not a real gun, is it Clark?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I."
• (Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld) "It's a BB gun."
• (Chevy Chase) "Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing."
• (Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld) "You couldn't even break the skin with that thing."

• (Chevy Chase) "This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy."

• (Chevy Chase) "I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep."

• (Chevy Chase) "Excuse me. Could you please tell how to get back on the expressway?"
• (Pimp) "Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo""
• (Chevy Chase) "Thank you very much."

• (Chevy Chase) "Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?"
• (Pimp) "f*** yo mama."
• (Chevy Chase) "Thank you very much."

• (Chevy Chase) "I don't give a frogs fat ass who went through what. We need money."

• (Ed, the car salesman) "I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport."
• (Davenport) "Yes, Mr. Ed?"
• (Ed, the car salesman) "Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?"
• (Davenport) "I don't know sir."
• (Ed, the car salesman) "I know what must have happened. It didn't come in."
• (Chevy Chase) "Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. Where's my old car?"
• (Ed, the car salesman) "I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport. Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here. Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster -- You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it."
• (Chevy Chase) "I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ"

• (Chevy Chase) "Roy -- can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?"
• (Eddie Bracken) "Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible."
• (Chevy Chase) "Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?"
• (Eddie Bracken) "Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida."

• (Chevy Chase) "Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?"
• (Randy Quaid) "Oh, nothing but the best."

• (Chevy Chase) "Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes -- or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Could I do your back, honey?"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "I've already done my back."
• (Chevy Chase) "Could I do your front?"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Go do your own front."

• (Chevy Chase) "I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were -- if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?"
• (Eddie Bracken) "No."

• (Chevy Chase) "Taxi. Taxi. Taxi. Dead. I'm dead. Taxi. Here boy. The heat. Darn. I'm dead. I'm finished. Hot. Hot."

• (Chevy Chase) "Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you."
• (Chevy Chase) "Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, that's not nice."
• (Chevy Chase) "Relax, it's all part of the act."
• (Chevy Chase) "Hey Underpants --"

• (Chevy Chase) "So, this is the old homestead, eh?"
• (Randy Quaid) "Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast."

• (Chevy Chase) "I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and -- uh --"
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Audrey."
• (Chevy Chase) "Audrey, yeah."

• (Chevy Chase) "When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun."

• (Chevy Chase) "We're from out of town."
• (Man Giving Directions) "No s***."

• (Chevy Chase) "I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money. Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?"

• (Chevy Chase) "Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that."

Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie

• (Randy Quaid) "I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?"
• (Chevy Chase) "You're the gourmet around here, Eddie."

• (Randy Quaid) "How do you like yours, Clark?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside."
• (Randy Quaid) "No, I mean your bun."

• (Randy Quaid) "Aunt Edna. Supper's gettin' cold."
• (Chevy Chase) "Is that your Aunt Edna?"

• (Randy Quaid) "I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough."

Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen Griswold

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, what are you doing?"

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was -- Clark."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in this neighborhood."
• (Chevy Chase) "Oh I don't know, hun. It gives us a chance to see a part of America we don't get to see."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "That's a GOOD thing."
• (Chevy Chase) "Not it's not. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Roll em' up."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full."
• (Catherine) "Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Stay in the car. It's hot and dangerous out here."
• (Imogene Coca) "Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want. I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane -- and he --"
• (Imogene Coca) "He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile. He should be BEHIND BARS."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "SIT down and SHUT UP. Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "I turned off the water, the stove, the heat and the air, locked the door, notified the police, stopped the papers. I called to get the grass cut. Did I put the timers on the living-room lights?"

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, I need my vanity case. We've got to go back and look for it. All my credit cards are in it."
• (Chevy Chase) "Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?"

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this safari has cost twice as much as you figured out."
• (Chevy Chase) "Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your -- diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper."
• (Chevy Chase) "That hurt, Ellen."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, what are you doing?"
• (Chevy Chase) "We watch his program -- We buy his toys, we go to his movies -- he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? f***ing-A right he owes us."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart."
• (Dana Barron) "Let's not overdo it, mom."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Shut up."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying."
• (Chevy Chase) "How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Maybe the neighbors know where he is."
• (Chevy Chase) "The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Normie's always been flighty."
• (Chevy Chase) "He's always been a jackoff --"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Would you watch your mouth."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us."
• (Chevy Chase) "It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "I think I broke my nose."
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "I stabbed my brain."
• (Dana Barron) "I just got my period."

• (Beverly D'Angelo) "She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "That is the meanest, coldest --"
• (Chevy Chase) "Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?"
• (Dana Barron) "Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't."
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards."

Anthony Michael Hall as Rusty Griswold

• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Is that a real gun, Mom?"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father -- may be going away for a little while."

• (Anthony Michael Hall) "That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes."
• (Chevy Chase) "They used to Rusty."

• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Mom, my sandwich is all wet."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "They're all wet -- Oh God --. The dog wet on the picnic basket."

• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards."
• (Chevy Chase) "Nothing to be proud of Russ --"
• (Chevy Chase) "-- 50 yards --"

• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Dad, this is not the car you ordered."
• (Chevy Chase) "Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh -- this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack."
• (Ed, the car salesman) "You didn't order the Metallic Pea?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Metallic Pea?"

Imogene Coca as Aunt Edna

• (Imogene Coca) "I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles."
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to --"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "He was speeding, Rusty."
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "No he wasn't, Mom. He --"
• (Chevy Chase) "Rusty. Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids --"
• (James Keach) "Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road."

• (Imogene Coca) "Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?"
• (Catherine) "Uh, no; I was just about to."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Good news, what good news, Catherine?"
• (Imogene Coca) "You're driving me to Phoenix."

• (Imogene Coca) "Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer."

• (Imogene Coca) "You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick."
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Oh; we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake."
• (Imogene Coca) "Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Clark."
• (Imogene Coca) "I thought so. Whew. Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?"

• (Imogene Coca) "Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint."
• (Randy Quaid) "Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?"
• (Chevy Chase) "Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?"
• (Randy Quaid) "About $52,000."

John Candy as Lasky

• (John Candy) "Has your father ever killed anyone?"
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna."
• (Chevy Chase) "Hey you can't prove that Russ."

• (John Candy) "Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once."
• (Anthony Michael Hall) "What happened?"
• (John Candy) "I threw up."

Eddie Bracken as Roy Walley

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Jane Krakowski as Cousin Vicki

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

James Keach as Motorcycle Cop

• (James Keach) "Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?"
• (Chevy Chase) "No, sir, I don't."
• (James Keach) "Well -- it's probably pretty stiff."

Dana Barron as Audrey Griswold

• (Dana Barron) "Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?"
• (Beverly D'Angelo) "Find a bush Audrey."

• (Dana Barron) "She breathed on me. A dead person breathed on me."

John P. Navin Jr. as Cousin Dale

• (John P. Navin Jr.) "Do you ever "bop your baloney"?"

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