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One, Two, Three Quotes

One, Two, Three is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . One, Two, Three stopped airing in 1970.

It features Billy Wilder as producer, André Previn in charge of musical score, and Daniel L. Fapp as head of cinematography.

One, Two, Three is recorded in English, German, Russian and originally aired in United States. Each episode of One, Two, Three is 104 minutes long. One, Two, Three is distributed by United Artists.

The cast includes: Arlene Francis as C.R. MacNamara, Arlene Francis as Phyllis MacNamara, Horst Buchholz as Otto, Pamela Tiffin as Scarlet, Leon Askin as Peripetchikoff, Hanns Lothar as Schlemmer, Peter Capell as Mishkin, Ralf Wolter as Borodenko, Horst Buchholz as Otto Ludwig Piffl, Howard St. John as Wendell P. Hazeltine, Arlene Francis as C.R. Macnamara, Liselotte Pulver as Ingeborg, Arlene Francis as Tommy MacNamara, and Karl Lieffen as Fritz.

One, Two, Three Quotes

Arlene Francis as C.R. MacNamara

  • (Arlene Francis) "Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious, others were suspicious and rude."
  • (Arlene Francis) "The eastern sector on the communist domination was still in rubble but the people went about their daily business, parading."
  • (Arlene Francis) "The only royalty we know are Count Basie, Duke Snider, and Earl Wilson."
  • (Arlene Francis) "What have we got here?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Isn't that marvy?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "He doesn't wear shorts, either. Isn't that exciting?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Why can't you get yourself a nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Atlanta? You can't be serious. That's Siberia with mint juleps."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude."
  • (Arlene Francis) "He could use a haircut -- and I'd like to give it to him myself with a hammer and sickle."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf."
  • (Hanns Lothar) "Adolf who?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Cigarette? Cigar?"
  • (Leon Askin) "Here, take one of these."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Thanks. Hm, 'Made in Havana'."
  • (Leon Askin) "We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Good thinking."
  • (Arlene Francis) "You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar."
  • (Leon Askin) "Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Ten minutes early. That's a hell of a way to run an airline. Planes are supposed to be late, not early."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?"
  • (Hanns Lothar) "I was in der Untergrund: the underground."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Resistance fighter?"
  • (Hanns Lothar) "No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway."
  • (Arlene Francis) "The only thing I want from you, Scarlett Piffl, is silence. And very little of it."
  • (Arlene Francis) "On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with; REAL SHIFTY."
  • (Arlene Francis) "If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Schlemmer, I want all those people out there to drop everything and stand by for orders. General alarm, complete mobilization."
  • (Hanns Lothar) "Ah, like the good old days, yes, sir."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Atlanta."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Yeah, I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps. They're kicking me upstairs."
  • (Arlene Francis) "That's something I've always wanted to do myself."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Schlemmer you're back in the SS, small salary."
  • (Arlene Francis) "What's come over you, Phyllis? After sixteen years --"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Maybe after sixteen years, every marriage gets a little stale, like a leftover glass of beer."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Look, Phyllis, can't we discuss this problem without bringing up a rival beverage?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "I wish I were in hell with my back broken --"
  • (Unnamed) "Schmuck."
  • (Arlene Francis) "What did you say?"
  • (Unnamed) "Schmuck- Jewelry."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Oh."
  • (Arlene Francis) "You've defected?"
  • (Leon Askin) "Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man.""
  • (Arlene Francis) "You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing."
  • (Liselotte Pulver) "That's nothing. You should see my sister."
  • (Arlene Francis) "What were you doing in East Berlin?"
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "You mean last night?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "I mean all those nights."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "You see, there's this boy over there. Wow."
  • (Arlene Francis) "What boy? What have you been up to?"
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Arrest you?"
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "Because I was taking pictures. And then this boy, he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Schlemmer."
  • (Hanns Lothar) "Yes, sir? I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning."
  • (Liselotte Pulver) "Look at my dress. It's ruined."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Did you have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?"
  • (Hanns Lothar) "No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. He was very fresh, wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy?""
  • (Arlene Francis) "Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Put your pants on, Spartacus."
  • (Arlene Francis) "She married a communist? That's going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. No, I don't think it's funny. They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny."

Hanns Lothar as Schlemmer

  • (Hanns Lothar) "Herr Oberleutnant."
  • (Arlene Francis) "You two know each other?"
  • (Hanns Lothar) "He was my commanding officer."
  • (Arlene Francis) "In the subway?"
  • (Hanns Lothar) "No, after that, when I was drafted."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Aha. Gestapo."
  • (Hanns Lothar) "No, no, SS."
  • (Hanns Lothar) "What shall we do with his old cloths?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Burn them. But first have them disinfected."

Leon Askin as Peripetchikoff

  • (Leon Askin) "Well, Comrades, what are we going to do? He's got it; we want it. Are we going to accept this blackmailing capitalist's deal?"
  • (Peter Capell) "Let's take a vote."
  • (Leon Askin) "I vote yes."
  • (Peter Capell) "I vote yes."
  • (Leon Askin) "Two out of three. Deal is on."
  • (Ralf Wolter) "Comrades, before you get in trouble, I must warn you, I am not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. I am undercover agent assigned to watch you."
  • (Peter Capell) "In that case I vote no. Deal is off."
  • (Ralf Wolter) "But I vote yes."
  • (Leon Askin) "Two out of three again. Deal is on."
  • (Leon Askin) "Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone."
  • (Arlene Francis) "You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?"
  • (Leon Askin) "Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash."
  • (Leon Askin) "We have emergency meeting with Swiss Trade Delegation. They send us twenty car-loads of cheese. Totally unacceptable -- full of holes."
  • (Leon Askin) "While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us."
  • (Leon Askin) "Is old Russian proverb: you cannot milk cow with hands in pockets."
  • (Leon Askin) "Do you know what happens if I defect? They will line up my family and shoot them. My wife, my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law."
  • (Leon Askin) "Let's do it."

Pamela Tiffin as Scarlet

  • (Pamela Tiffin) "Countess? That means everybody has to curtsy to me, except maybe Grace Kelly."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "How about that?"
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "You'll like him. He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger and he has more upstairs."
  • (Arlene Francis) "More brains?"
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "More hair. And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Maybe we voted for the wrong man."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "That couldn't happen in Russia."
  • (Arlene Francis) "They don't make mistakes."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "They don't vote."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into."

Horst Buchholz as Otto

  • (Horst Buchholz) "They have assigned us a magnificent apartment. Just a short walk from the bathroom."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "Is everybody in this world corrupt?"
  • (Leon Askin) "I don't know everybody."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Do me a favor. Bury us but don't marry us."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "You. I should take that "wedding present" and break it over your head."
  • (Arlene Francis) "That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "You got me into jail."
  • (Arlene Francis) "So we're even."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "I'll pick you up at 6:30 sharp, because the 7:00 train for Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "I will not have my son grow up to be a capitalist."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "When he's 18 he can make his mind up whether he wants to be a capitalist or a rich communist."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "He talks like that all the time."
  • (Pamela Tiffin) "Tell him about Coca-Cola Colonialism."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "As Chairman Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the revolution --"
  • (Arlene Francis) "To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "The hell with Frank Sinatra."
  • (Horst Buchholz) "I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?"

Liselotte Pulver as Ingeborg

  • (Liselotte Pulver) "Here's your mail, here's your Wall Street Journal, and here's my resignation."
  • (Arlene Francis) "Resignation? What are you talking about?"
  • (Liselotte Pulver) "You do not work me overtime anymore, you do not take advantage of me on weekends, you have lost all interest in the -- umlaut. So obviously, my services are no longer required here."
  • (Liselotte Pulver) "What do you want in this, cream, sugar?"
  • (Arlene Francis) "Just a couple of lumps of Benzedrine. It's gonna be a rough day."

Ralf Wolter as Borodenko

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Howard St. John as Wendell P. Hazeltine

  • (Howard St. John) "How is the situation here in Berlin?"
  • (Horst Buchholz) "It shouldn't happen to a dog. Uh, I; I mean, it's a draw. Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious."

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