Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Only Fools and Horses.... is a Sitcom that first aired in 1970 on BBC One. Only Fools and Horses stopped airing in 1970.

Only Fools and Horses.... was on for 64 episodes. It features Ronnie Hazlehurst as theme composer. Only Fools and Horses.... is executive produced by Ray Butt. Only Fools and Horses.... is created by John Sullivan (writer).

Only Fools and Horses.... is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Only Fools and Horses.... is Regular episodes long. Only Fools and Horses.... is produced by BBC and distributed by BBC Studios. Spinoffs for this show include The Green Green Grass.

The cast includes: Rodney Trotter as Rodney, Marlene Boyce as Marlene, and Cassandra Trotter as Cassandra Parry.

Only Fools and Horses.... Quotes

Rodney Trotter as Rodney

• (Del Boy) "I see ICI dropped a point."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Yeah. Chelsea dropped three on Saturday"

• (Uncle Albert) "Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this."
• (Del Boy) "Shut up you saucy old git."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian."
• (Uncle Albert) "In 1959 I was in Bombay."
• (Del Boy) "You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction."
• (Uncle Albert) "But I like this kind of music."
• (Del Boy) "Ah. Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel."

• (Rodney Trotter) "I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing."
• (Del Boy) "Yeah it is a bit cold."
• (Uncle Albert) "Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze."

• (Del Boy) "Now look Rodney, Raquel, Raquel is a lady and when a lady is ready to -- well, when she's ready to, she will let me know."
• (Rodney Trotter) "How?"
• (Del Boy) "Well, she'll give me a sign or something."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Like what?"
• (Del Boy) "I dunno."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport."

• (Rodney Trotter) "If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me."

• (Rodney Trotter) "So how do you open these then?"
• (Del Boy) "No sod knows, Rodney, that's why they're rejects."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Del, there is a drought warning over Peckham."

• (Del Boy) "Don't worry, Rodney. This time next year, we'll be millionaires."
• (Rodney Trotter) "This time last WEEK we were millionaires."

• (Uncle Albert) "Have you ever thought about joining the navy, Rodney?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well, funnily enough, Unc, no. How could I join the navy?"
• (Del Boy) "Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone; well, they took you. But nowadays, you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications."
• (Del Boy) "I mean, what chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand?"
• (Uncle Albert) "I don't mean in the Royal navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southhampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers --"
• (Del Boy) "And Friday it's your turn in the barrel."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Eh?"
• (Uncle Albert) "There was nothing like that on any of my vessels. A few funny ones but nothing like that."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Oi, Del -- me and Mickey might have a problem getting these back to our depot. We come down on the Green Line, see?"
• (Del Boy) "Right, well, your best bet would be to hire an open-backed truck."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what we thought, but -- we were wondering if you could take a couple in the back of the van."
• (Del Boy) "Back of my van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared 'em out of the van."
• (Rodney Trotter) "You mean you were selling 'em in the first place?"
• (Del Boy) "Yeah. That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me last week. Normally I'd never have bought it but, you know, he caught me when I was a bit non compost mentis down the one-eleven club. I never thought I'd get shot of 'em, Rodney, but you know me; he who dares wins. I actually made quite a tidy little profit on it and all."
• (Rodney Trotter) "And what are we supposed to do with them?"
• (Del Boy) "Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip."

• (Trigger) "Problems, Dave?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "I don't want to talk about it Trig. You ever been wrongly accused of something?"
• (Trigger) "Yeah once."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Yeah, How did you get out of it?"
• (Trigger) "Well I didn't; I was guilty."

• (Rodney Trotter) "We didn't know the fancy dress had been cancelled."
• (Trigger) "Me neither."
• (Rodney Trotter) "You mean, that's your costume?"
• (Trigger) "Yeah. I came as a chauffeur. I feel a bit stupid now."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Yeah, you do stand out."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Oh, listen to me for one minute, will you? Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus."
• (Del Boy) "You listen to me, you little git. I may never walk again. I may --"
• (Del Boy) "Though I must admit I'm getting some feeling back."

• (Rodney Trotter) "I don't think I'll ever laugh again."
• (Uncle Albert) "Well, as long as yer 'appy, son."

• (Trigger) "What you up to Dave?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor."
• (Trigger) "No words to this song Dave?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "No Trigger, it's an instrumental."
• (Del Boy) "All right Trigger? What you doing?"
• (Trigger) "I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor."
• (Del Boy) "Okay."
• (Trigger) "It's the karaoke version."

• (Del Boy) "What's the weather like out?"
• (Uncle Albert) "It's parky, Del."
• (Del Boy) "Good, good. Nice thick frost is there?"
• (Uncle Albert) "Bit slippery underfoot, yeah."
• (Del Boy) "Oh, cushty. Nice notherly wind howling in from the Urals is there?"
• (Uncle Albert) "Cut's right through you, Del."
• (Del Boy) "Lovely. Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear, we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a right killing? We ain't got woolly underwear."
• (Del Boy) "We've got sun-tan lotion. And we ain't got just a little drop of sun-tan lotion. We've got 500 bloody quids' worth of the stuff."
• (Rodney Trotter) "I've told you, I bought it as an investment."
• (Del Boy) "An Investment. Menage a trois. In the middle of the worst winter for 2 million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new Ice Age; this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Oi, you. This stuff is a load of rubbish."
• (Del Boy) "I know. I did try to warn you."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well -- yeah -- but I thought --"
• (Del Boy) "Yeah, well, the trouble with you, Rodney, is that you will insist on thinking."

• (Del Boy) "Rodney, it's for you."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Who is it?"
• (Del Boy) "Richard Branston."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Del, let's just get out. Before I wake up with a bloody horses ead' on me pillow."

• (Mike Fisher) "What exactly does that mean?"
• (Del Boy) "Well it means you can -- you can -- tell him what it means, Rodney."
• (Del Boy) "He's taken a course in this, he came top of his class."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well, in 'layman's' terms it means you can, em, well, you er, you can record all your business deals."
• (Mike Fisher) "I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals. So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc. I'm not interested. Ask Trigger."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Trigger? With a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Cos-mic."

• (Del Boy) "That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years. That man is at the front of new technological frontiers. He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque and all."
• (Rodney Trotter) "I know. I was there when you sold it to him."

• (Del Boy) "Are you saying I'm stupid?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "Either that or it's the Chinese year of the dodo."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Er -- well -- I'm a good salesman."
• (Del Boy) "Do me a favor, Rodney. You couldn't flog a black cat to a witch."

• (Uncle Albert) "I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas that pick up with these rich old widows; what they call 'em; toy boys. You wanna see the stuff they pick up for presents. Solid gold watches, sports cars; money. Might be worth considering."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late for that sort of thing?"
• (Uncle Albert) "I'm not talking about me. I meant you."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Me? I'm not selling my body to some old tart. Thank you."
• (Uncle Albert) "Not even for the family?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "Especially not for the family. I'm not going to let myself become some -- hooker."

• (Uncle Albert) "Your name Rodney, son?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well, it is when Trigger's not about."

• (Rodney Trotter) "They might publish your diaries one day, Del. I reckon that could be a winner. I don't believe you sometimes. Why did you do that?"
• (Del Boy) "He Who Dares Wins, I've always been the same."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well, this time I reckon that He Who Dared cocked it right up."

• (Rodney Trotter) "Oi, Del, why'd they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun or something?"
• (Del Boy) "Na, it's coz he looks like an horse."

• (Uncle Albert) "The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick. Says it's part of his culture."
• (Rodney Trotter) "Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you?"

• (Rodney Trotter) "You were declared bankrupt. You have been banned from running any company from sitting on any boards or dealing with any shares. They don't even want you past the Stock Exchange on a bike. And you owe the Inland Revenue over £50,000."

• (Del Boy) "Who are you after? Oh, not the Gruesome Twosome. They're so ugly they even look alike."
• (Rodney Trotter) "They happen to be two sisters."
• (Del Boy) "Oh, sisters?"
• (Del Boy) "Hey, girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?"

• (Rodney Trotter) "I've been thinking."
• (Del Boy) "Oh, leave it out Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is."

• (Raquel Turner) "Why the hell did you do that?"
• (Del Boy) "It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, Raquel. It's all right. You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more; Del Boy is here?"

Cassandra Trotter as Cassandra Parry

• (Del Boy) "Well, before we get checked in I have gotta tell you something Rodney. This contest isn't quite as pucker as I made it out to be."
• (Cassandra Trotter) "Well he did win didn't he?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "That's strange that is."
• (Del Boy) "What is?"
• (Rodney Trotter) "Well I noticed it on the plane but it didn't quite register. Their all Mum's and Dad's. They have brought their kids with them."
• (Del Boy) "It's not the parents who are the winners Rodder's -- it's the kids. You see Rodney's painting won -- in the under 15 years old category."
• (Cassandra Trotter) "So they think Rodney's 15?"
• (Del Boy) "Nah. No, No, No. They think your 14."

Marlene Boyce as Marlene

• (Marlene Boyce) "Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad."
• (Uncle Albert) "Oh I didn't ask for 'em. They kept giving 'em to me."

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