Planes, Trains and Automobiles Quotes

Planes, Trains and Automobiles is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Planes, Trains and Automobiles completed its run in 1970.

It features John Hughes as producer, Ira Newborn in charge of musical score, and Donald Peterman as head of cinematography.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Planes, Trains and Automobiles is 92 minutes long. Planes, Trains and Automobiles is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Edie McClurg as Car Rental Agent, Steve Martin as Neal, John Candy as Del, Michael McKean as State Trooper, Laila Robins as Susan Page, Dylan Baker as Owen, Charles Tyner as Gus, and Olivia Burnette as Marti Page.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles Quotes

Steve Martin as Neal

• (Screaming Driver) "Holy s***. Look at that guy on the wrong side of the highway. He's going to kill somebody."
• (Screaming Driver's Wife) "Oh, my God."
• (Screaming Driver) "Hey. Hey."
• (Steve Martin) "Hey, what's going on?"
• (John Candy) "Some joker wants to race."
• (John Candy) "Turn around."
• (Steve Martin) "Don't race. It's ridiculous."
• (John Candy) "All right, come on. Let's go. Let's go."
• (Screaming Driver) "Put your window down."
• (Steve Martin) "He wants something."
• (John Candy) "Egh, he's probably drunk."
• (Screaming Driver) "You're going the wrong way."
• (Steve Martin) "What?"
• (Screaming Driver's Wife) "You're going the wrong way."
• (Steve Martin) "He says we're going the wrong way."
• (John Candy) "Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?"
• (Steve Martin) "Yeah, how would he know?"
• (Steve Martin) "Thank you. Thanks a lot. Terrific."
• (John Candy) "Thank you."
• (John Candy) "What a moron."
• (Screaming Driver) "You're going in the wrong direction."
• (Screaming Driver's Wife) "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY."
• (Screaming Driver's Wife) "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY."
• (Steve Martin) "Truck. Truck. Truck. Truck."
• (John Candy) "What? What?"

• (Steve Martin) "Sir? -- Sir? -- Sir?"
• (Steve Martin) "Excuse me. I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane, and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature and ask you to let me have it."
• (New York Lawyer) "I don't have a good nature. Excuse me. Cabbie, come on."
• (Steve Martin) "I'll offer you 10 dollars for it."
• (New York Lawyer) "Nuh."
• (Steve Martin) "Okay, 20. I'll give you 20 dollars."
• (New York Lawyer) "I'll take 50."
• (Steve Martin) "All right."
• (New York Lawyer) "Anyone who'd pay 50 dollars for a cab, would certainly pay 75."
• (Steve Martin) "Not necessarily --"
• (Steve Martin) "All right. $75. You're a thief."
• (New York Lawyer) "Close, I'm an attorney."
• (Steve Martin) "Have a happy holiday."
• (New York Lawyer) "This'll help."

• (Steve Martin) "What's the flight situation?"
• (John Candy) "Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight. We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak."
• (Steve Martin) "I guess we'll find out soon enough."
• (John Candy) "Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room."
• (Steve Martin) "Are you saying I could be stuck in Wichita?"
• (John Candy) "I'm saying you are stuck in Wichita."

• (Steve Martin) "How could you rent the thing without a credit card anyway? I mean you could but how could you?"
• (John Candy) "Oh I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings."
• (Steve Martin) "You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings Del."
• (John Candy) "Well -- your diner's club card wound up in my wallet and I just --"
• (Steve Martin) "You STOLE it."
• (John Candy) "Not exactly."
• (Steve Martin) "You stole it. I knew you stole it. You stole the card and then you rented a car and you burned it up. I knew you stole it."
• (John Candy) "No I didn't. I found it in my wallet. I thought maybe you put it there."
• (Steve Martin) "WHY WOULD I PUT IT THERE?"
• (John Candy) "Kindness."
• (Steve Martin) "KINDNESS. KINDNESS. You stole it. He stole it."
• (John Candy) "No I didn't. I was going to send you the card back. With whatever the rental car charge was. Plus interest. But you didn't give me your address. You just ditched me. I had no cards. I had no money. I had nothing."
• (Steve Martin) "Give it back."
• (John Candy) "I can't."
• (Steve Martin) "Why not?"
• (John Candy) "Because."
• (Steve Martin) "Because why?"
• (John Candy) "Because when we stopped to gas up. I put the card in your wallet."
• (John Candy) "You're not mad at me are you?"

• (Steve Martin) "I'd like one room for the night."
• (John Candy) "If you're upset, maybe we should get separate rooms."
• (Steve Martin) "You get your own room."
• (Hotel Clerk) "Will you be paying with credit card?"
• (Steve Martin) "Yes. I have a Visa card -- Diner's Club card -- and a gasoline card."
• (Hotel Clerk) "These aren't -- these aren't credit cards."
• (Steve Martin) "Do you take cash?"
• (Hotel Clerk) "Forty-two fifty."
• (Steve Martin) "How about seventeen dollars --"
• (Hotel Clerk) "I can't do that."
• (Steve Martin) "Please. Have mercy. I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."
• (John Candy) "I can vouch for that."
• (Hotel Clerk) "I don't own the place, I --"
• (Steve Martin) "Seventeen dollars --"
• (Steve Martin) "-- and a hell of a nice watch?"

• (Steve Martin) "Del, what are you doing here? You said you were going home, what are you doing here?"
• (John Candy) "I uh -- I don't have a home. Marie's been dead for eight years."

• (Steve Martin) "You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY. "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back; you would. Agh. Agh. Agh. Agh. And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea; have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener."

• (Steve Martin) "What do you think the temperature is?"
• (John Candy) "One."

• (Steve Martin) "Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so --"
• (John Candy) "Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth -- You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut -- If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs --"

• (Cab Dispatcher) "Where are you going?"
• (Steve Martin) "Chicago."
• (Cab Dispatcher) "Chicago?"
• (Steve Martin) "Yeah, Chicago."
• (Cab Dispatcher) "You know you're in St. Louis?"
• (Steve Martin) "Yes I do."
• (Cab Dispatcher) "Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal."
• (Steve Martin) "If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?"

• (Steve Martin) "Del -- Why did you kiss my ear?"
• (John Candy) "Why are you holding my hand?"
• (Steve Martin) "Where's your other hand?"
• (John Candy) "Between two pillows --"
• (Steve Martin) "Those aren't pillows."

• (Steve Martin) "Well, let me just close this conversation, saying you are a unique individual."
• (John Candy) "What is unique, uh? Latin for "asshole?""

• (Steve Martin) "Let me close this conversation by saying that you are one unique individual."
• (John Candy) "Unique -- what's that, Latin for "asshole"?"

• (Steve Martin) "He says we're going the wrong way --"
• (John Candy) "Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?"

• (Steve Martin) "Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine."
• (Laila Robins) "Hello, Mr. Griffith."
• (John Candy) "Hello, Mrs. Page."

John Candy as Del

• (John Candy) "You could've killed me slugging me in the gut like that. That's how Houdini died, you know."

• (John Candy) "I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours."
• (Steve Martin) "You stole my cab."
• (John Candy) "I never stole anything in my life."
• (Steve Martin) "I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it."
• (John Candy) "You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you. You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour."
• (Steve Martin) "Forget it."
• (John Candy) "I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer."
• (Steve Martin) "No thanks."
• (John Candy) "Just a hot dog then."
• (Steve Martin) "I'm kinda picky about what I eat."
• (John Candy) "Some coffee?"
• (Steve Martin) "No."
• (John Candy) "Milk?"
• (Steve Martin) "No."
• (John Candy) "Soda?"
• (Steve Martin) "No."
• (John Candy) "Tea?"
• (Steve Martin) "No"
• (John Candy) "LifeSavers?"
• (Steve Martin) "No."
• (John Candy) "Slurpee?"
• (Steve Martin) "Sir; please."
• (John Candy) "Just let me know. I'm here."
• (John Candy) "I knew I knew ya."

• (John Candy) "Well Marie, once again my dear, you where as right as rain. I am, with out a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike. I meet someone whose company I really enjoy, and what do I do? I go overboard. I smother the poor soul. I cause him more trouble than he has a right to. God, I got a big mouth. When am I ever gonna wake up? I wish you were here with me right now. But -- I guess that's not gonna happen. Not now, anyway."

• (John Candy) "You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh?"
• (Steve Martin) "To say the least."
• (John Candy) "You ever travel by bus before?"
• (John Candy) "Hmm. Your mood's probably not going to improve much."

• (John Candy) "I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky for you that cop passed by when he did, or you'd be lifting your snutz to tie your shoes."

• (John Candy) "Was that seat hot or what? I feel like a Whopper. Turn me over, I'm done on this side. I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be griddle marks."

• (John Candy) "When I'm dead and buried, all I'll leave behind are some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down. Some legacy, huh?"
• (Steve Martin) "At the very least, the absolute minimum, you'll have a woman you love to grow old with. You love her, don't you?"
• (John Candy) "Love -- is not a big enough word. It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife."
• (Steve Martin) "To the wives."

• (John Candy) "You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you'd be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?"
• (Steve Martin) "Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?"
• (John Candy) "Oh, come on, pal, you don't mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow?"
• (Steve Martin) "How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don't have any more cars?"
• (John Candy) "I got a car, no sweat at all."
• (Steve Martin) "Well Del, you're a charmed man."
• (John Candy) "Nope."
• (Steve Martin) "Oh, I know. You just go with the flow."
• (John Candy) "Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream."

• (John Candy) "I didn't introduce myself. Del Griffith. American Light and Fixture, Sales Director, shower curtain ring division."

• (Cab Dispatcher) "Hey. Get your car out of here."
• (John Candy) "Yeah, just one sec."
• (Cab Dispatcher) "GET IT OUT OF HERE."
• (John Candy) "What is your problem? You insensitive asshole. Can't you see we have an injured man down here? Now I'll move my car, but I want you to help him up."
• (Steve Martin) "No."
• (Cab Dispatcher) "My pleasure."
• (Steve Martin) "Oh."

• (John Candy) "How do you turn this thing off?"
• (John Candy) "Ouch."

• (Hotel Clerk) "Do you have seventeen dollars and a good watch?"
• (John Candy) "No I don't. I have uh -- two dollars -- and a Casio."
• (Hotel Clerk) "I'm going to have to say goodnight, so --"

• (John Candy) "I always order a special meal. On this airline, I go with the seafood salad. On American, I'll have their kosher plate: a little slice of salami, some roast beef, some turkey, dark rye bread, very nice. Now, if I'm flying United, I'll say I'm a youngster and they'll give me the kiddie plate. That's a hot dog, bag of potato chips, a gherkin, and a nice little bag of Oreo cookie, mmm."

• (John Candy) "If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?"

• (John Candy) "I guess this is probably a good time as any to tell you this. Our tickets are only good to St. Louis. St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass."

• (John Candy) "Six bucks and my left nut says we're not going to be landing in Chicago."

• (John Candy) "How about your bun?"
• (Steve Martin) "No, no it's too hard."
• (John Candy) "Sure?"
• (John Candy) "Sir? Excuse me. Would you like a bun?"
• (Man on plane) "Oh it's fun. Flights fun."
• (John Candy) "No no no, would you like the bun?"
• (Man on plane) "Uh what's that?"
• (John Candy) "I'm offering you a bun."
• (Man on plane) "Speak up."
• (John Candy) "Do you want the bun?"
• (Man on plane) "No, I just got started."
• (Steve Martin) "He said do you want the bun."
• (Man on plane) "Oh yes, thank-you."
• (John Candy) "There you go. How about another salad?"
• (John Candy) "No no no, takes this salad he doesn't want any, he's not hungry. Some salad dressing."
• (Man on plane) "I'll have the brownie."
• (John Candy) "The brownie? Sure."
• (Steve Martin) "No no no, I'd like that."
• (John Candy) "You want the brownie? He won't give you the brownie, he's got a sweet tooth."
• (John Candy) "Isn't he a nice fella?"
• (John Candy) "I guess you're not going to want your brownie now?"
• (Steve Martin) "No."
• (John Candy) "No. Mind?"
• (John Candy) "Would you like half?"
• (Man on plane) "Oh would you?"
• (John Candy) "Certainly."
• (John Candy) "There you go, the big side."

• (John Candy) "The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth."

• (John Candy) "You know I've been thinking. What we're dealing with here is a small-time crook. He didn't take the credit cards, right? So we charge our way home. What kind of plastic do you carry?"
• (Steve Martin) "I have a Visa and a gasoline card. Oh, and I have a Neiman Marcus card in case you want to send someone a gift. What do you have?"
• (John Candy) "Chalmer's Big and Tall men's shop. It's a seven outlet chain in the pacific northwest. Great stuff. Unfortunately, it does us no good here."

• (John Candy) "Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago."

• (John Candy) "What?"
• (Steve Martin) "You know god**** well what."
• (John Candy) "I'm sorry I don't"
• (Steve Martin) "I had over 700 dollars in here."
• (John Candy) "I didn't touch your dough Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief."
• (Steve Martin) "Well you went into my stuff last night right?"
• (John Candy) "I didn't take your money. and I don't care for the accusation."
• (Steve Martin) "Well I had over 700 dollars in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to --"
• (John Candy) "Count it."
• (Steve Martin) "Oh like you keep it in there if you stole it."
• (John Candy) "There's 263 dollars in there. If there's a dollar more then you can call me a thief. Just count it."
• (Steve Martin) "Empty."
• (John Candy) "WHAT?"
• (John Candy) "We were robbed."
• (Steve Martin) "Do you think so?"

• (Bus Lover) "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."
• (John Candy) "Ha Ha Ha. You got busted."

• (John Candy) "I haven't been home in years."

• (John Candy) "You play with your balls a lot."
• (Steve Martin) "I do NOT play with my balls."
• (John Candy) "Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour."
• (Steve Martin) "Are you trying to start a fight?"
• (John Candy) "No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot."
• (Steve Martin) "You know what'd make me happy?"
• (John Candy) "Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?"

• (John Candy) "You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you -- but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like -- I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."

Olivia Burnette as Marti Page

• (Olivia Burnette) "Mom, is Grandpa Walter going to give me noogies?"
• (Laila Robins) "Of course he's going to give you noogies. He loves giving you noogies. That's how he tells you he loves you."
• (Little Neal Page) "Why doesn't he give me noogies?"
• (Laila Robins) "Because you get Indian burns."
• (Little Neal Page) "But I prefer noogies."

Michael McKean as State Trooper

• (Michael McKean) "What the hell are you driving here?"
• (John Candy) "We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time."
• (Michael McKean) "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
• (John Candy) "Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going."

Dylan Baker as Owen

• (Dylan Baker) "Her first baby came out sideways, she didn't scream or nothin."

• (Dylan Baker) "I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch a train?"
• (John Candy) "Yeah, we'd appreciate it."
• (Dylan Baker) "Train don't run out of Wichita -- unlessin' you're a hog or a cattle."
• (Dylan Baker) "People train runs out of Stubbville."

Charles Tyner as Gus

• (Charles Tyner) "Del Griffith. How the hell are ya?"
• (John Candy) "Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of bein' a millionaire."
• (John Candy) "Gus, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page from Chicago. Neal, this is Gus Mooney."
• (Steve Martin) "Hi."
• (Charles Tyner) "Glad to meet you, Nick."

Edie McClurg as Car Rental Agent

• (Edie McClurg) "Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?"
• (Steve Martin) "Yes."
• (Edie McClurg) "How may I help you?"
• (Steve Martin) "You can start by wiping that f***ing dumb-ass smile off your rosy f***ing cheeks. And you can give me a f***ing automobile: a f***ing Datsun, a f***ing Toyota, a f***ing Mustang, a f***ing Buick. Four f***ing wheels and a seat."
• (Edie McClurg) "I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me."
• (Steve Martin) "And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of f***ing nowhere with f***ing keys to a f***ing car that isn't f***ing there. And I really didn't care to f***ing walk down a f***ing highway, and across a f***ing runway to get back here to have you smile in my f***ing face. I want a f***ing car -- right -- f***ing -- now."
• (Edie McClurg) "May I see your rental agreement?"
• (Steve Martin) "I threw it away."
• (Edie McClurg) "Oh boy."
• (Steve Martin) "Oh boy, what?"
• (Edie McClurg) "You're f***ed."

Laila Robins as Susan Page

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