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Postal (film) Quotes

Postal (film) is a television program that appeared on TV in 1970 . Postal ended in 1970.

It features Unbulleted list, Uwe Boll, Shawn Williamson, Daniel Clarke as producer, Jessica de Rooij in charge of musical score, and Mathias Neumann as head of cinematography.

Postal (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in Unbulleted list Each episode of Postal (film) is 100 minutes long. Postal (film) is distributed by Unbulleted list Kinostar (Germany) and Vivendi Entertainment (US).

The cast includes: Dave Foley as Uncle Dave, Brent Mendenhall as George W. Bush, Zack Ward as Dude, Michael Benyaer as Mohammed, Chris Coppola as Richard, Chris Spencer as Officer Greg, Ralf Moeller as Officier John, Jackie Tohn as Faith, Rick Hoffman as Blither, Carrie Genzel as Reporter Gayle, Erick Avari as Habib, J.K. Simmons as Candidate Wells, Erick Avari as Nabi, David Huddleston as Peter, Seymour Cassel as Paul, Michael Paré as Panhandler, Lindsay Hollister as Recorder, Julia Sandberg Hansson as Mitzi, and Lindsay Hollister as Cooter.

Postal (film) Quotes

Michael Benyaer as Mohammed

  • (Unnamed) "They're not listening to me anymore, Mohammed. I tell them about Allah and glory and what do I get? What do i get all the damn time?"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Virgins --"
  • (Unnamed) "Dingdingdingdingdingding. Nobody wants to die anymore unless they get virgins."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm gonna go watch Oprah."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "She's looking good these days. The diet is working."
  • (Unnamed) "Allah be praised. Now has come the time to sacrafice your lives to avenge this outrage."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Or -- we could just kill -- the other guys. Yeah."
  • (Other Talibans) "Yeah."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "It's unfortunate that the desperate nature of our situation forces one of us to hug the martyrdom once more to fight and defeat the infidels. Well, who of us will have the honor today?"
  • (Taliban) "How about you, Mohammed? You are more than worthy."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And I would like to do it. I would like to do it, believe me. Nobody in the world would like to do it more than me. But unfortunately Osama has forbid it me."
  • (Taliban) "How about Abdul?"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Ah, a good idea. A very good idea. Genius. But of course he has to agree. So -- Abdul, if you don't want to be blown into tiny little pieces, hold up your hand, hop on one foot and sing "Freebird"."
  • (Unnamed) "Uh -- uh --"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Abdul, it is."
  • (Unnamed) "Uh?"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Now, if we just had Osama. Does anyone know where the f*** he is?"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Where are the f***ing keys? They gotta be somewhere."
  • (Unnamed) "I thought you had the keys?"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "You know, sometimes it helps recreating your steps."
  • (Unnamed) "Mohammed."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm telling you, Mohammed, I've seen this gas station before. We're lost."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "We're not lost. All gas stations look alike. What's wrong with you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Would you just stop to ask for directions?"
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Would you get off my back? I'm doing the best I can, ok?"
  • (Unnamed) "I should be driving."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Oh, so you can be the head of an organization and be the driver, too?"
  • (Unnamed) "The fat man is at the buffet."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "I repeat: the fat man is at the buffet."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "What the f*** are you talking about?"
  • (Unnamed) "The van is here you idiot."

Zack Ward as Dude

  • (Zack Ward) "I hate this town."
  • (Unnamed) "Turn down that f***in' T.V.. Can't hear my show."
  • (Zack Ward) "Yeah, nothing's good on, anyways. Just, uh, just preparing for my interview."
  • (Unnamed) "Fight."
  • (Unnamed) "Aw, you fight like a p*****. No one's gonna hire your sorry ass. Why don't you just stick up to your Uncle Dave already?"
  • (Zack Ward) "God Dammit."
  • (Unnamed) "What the hell is goin' on out there?"
  • (Zack Ward) "Nothing."
  • (Zack Ward) "Where did you get all those monkeys?"
  • (Dave Foley) "I don't f***ing know. I have nothing to do with this s***."
  • (Zack Ward) "I will do whatever it takes to get the f*** out of Paradise. Anything. Anything."
  • (Dave Foley) "Ok. Take me up the ass."
  • (Dave Foley) "Just kidding."
  • (Unnamed) "Did you see the Postal Dude?"
  • (Zack Ward) "Yeah, yeah. He went this way."
  • (Unnamed) "Good. United Citizens, let's get that motherucker."
  • (Zack Ward) "Bomb."
  • (Zack Ward) "Bomb-that-could-take-out-a-whole-city-block bomb."
  • (Zack Ward) "Do I have your attention?"
  • (Zack Ward) "What's wrong with you people? You're all trying to blow up the world in the name of God. Newsflash, f***tards: God doesn't need your help. He's GOD."
  • (Zack Ward) "And he -- she -- it -- they gave you life -- and you're wasting it. Look around you. Look."
  • (Zack Ward) "Look, god damn it."
  • (Zack Ward) "See? We're not that different. We are all like one big family. And what do families do? Do they fight? Yeah, but they work it out. That's because they know that they're stuck with each other. Just like how we all are. Here on this crazy mudball we call Earth. So come on, guys. Let's try to find some common ground here."
  • (Chris Coppola) "Oh. Well, we all hate Jews."
  • (Zack Ward) "No, not a hate thing."
  • (Zack Ward) "A happy thing. I think it's time to empty our hands of guns and fill them -- with hugs."
  • (Zack Ward) "If you want to waste this precious gift we call life, I can't stop you. So, go ahead: Shoot -- or"
  • (Zack Ward) "hug."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "Shoot him."
  • (Zack Ward) "s***. s***."
  • (Unnamed) "Follow me. I know where he is."
  • (Zack Ward) "Thanks."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, what direction did he go?"
  • (Unnamed) "That way."
  • (Unnamed) "Why did you help him?"
  • (Erick Avari) "Do you want to clean the windows again?"
  • (Zack Ward) "I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes before a doomsday cult or a terrorist groups gets their hands on it and destroys the entire world."
  • (Jackie Tohn) "Yeah, why I gotta believe that?"
  • (Taliban) "Jihad."
  • (D.O.O.M. member) "Apocalypse."
  • (Jackie Tohn) "Okay, so where's that truck?"
  • (Zack Ward) "It's not a flag, it's a company / A high-flying company / And it will cheerfully work you to death / By the time you are old / The pension is sold/And your cube will be your casket / It's a company, a high-flying company / Now please, get back to work."

Rick Hoffman as Blither

  • (Rick Hoffman) "I see you noticed the heads. Motivational. Those were every f***ing bastard I had to climb over to get this job."
  • (Zack Ward) "Jesus."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "No, no. They're paper miche."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Heh, he thought they were real."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Sit down."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Now, I hope you don't-"
  • (Rick Hoffman) "I hope you don't mind the recording. We'll use it later for training. Uh --"
  • (Rick Hoffman) "What the f*** is wrong with you?"
  • (Zack Ward) "Uh, the chair's -- the chair's actually --"
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Look, we're on a time lapse. So, let's get going."
  • (Zack Ward) "Alright. So, uh, so I'm here for the job, sir."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Yeah, you're a factory worker?"
  • (Zack Ward) "I was a factory worker until the factory got closed down. So, I got laid off."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "I have reviewed 15 other people for this job. What makes you think you're better than them?"
  • (Zack Ward) "Uh, I don't know if I am better than them --"
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Well, God damn it, pal. If you want this job, you better reach out and grab it. You better put all of those f***in' heads on the wall."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "you know what? f*** it. Let's get to the questions."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "What is your biggest strength?"
  • (Zack Ward) "Uh, I'm a really good team player."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "Wrong."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "What is your biggest weakness?"
  • (Zack Ward) "I say I work too hard."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "Wrong."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "How would you move a mountain using only a spoon?"
  • (Zack Ward) "A spoon?"
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "If you were in a box, how would you think outside it?"
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "Wrong."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "Last question: What is the difference between a duck?"
  • (Zack Ward) "And --"
  • (Zack Ward) "What the hell is wrong with you people? A duck? Look, I came here for a job. A JOB. As far as I know, that job has nothin' to do with a cocksuckin' motherf***in' DUCK."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Congratulations, pal. You're are leading candidate. How does it feel?"
  • (Zack Ward) "It feels good."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "No, no, no, how does it feel? Huh? How does it feel? I mean how does it feel to put f***in' 15 heads on that wall?"
  • (Rick Hoffman) "I'll tell you how it feels, it feels f***ing great, doesn't it? It feels f***in' great. Umph. Umph. Umph. Umph. Umph."
  • (Zack Ward) "So I got it. I got the job."
  • (Rick Hoffman) "Oh, hell no. No, no, this is just a get-to-know-you interview."

David Huddleston as Peter

  • (David Huddleston) "Wow. Did you see that?"
  • (Seymour Cassel) "Yeah."
  • (David Huddleston) "One date with me and she'll look like she's been hit with a mayonnaise truck."
  • (David Huddleston) "Speaking of freaky s***, have you seen that guy's wife?"
  • (Seymour Cassel) "Yeah, she's hard to miss."
  • (David Huddleston) "She's a good f*** though."
  • (Seymour Cassel) "You f***ed her?"
  • (David Huddleston) "Several times. She's got a clapper in her trailer. The lights go on and off and on and off."
  • (David Huddleston) "Makes you feel like a rock star."
  • (Seymour Cassel) "Let's go to the trailer."

J.K. Simmons as Candidate Wells

  • (J.K. Simmons) "George W. Bush is a sham. He's an actor. That's not even his real name."
  • (Michael Benyaer) "He knows too much."
  • (J.K. Simmons) "All 3000 people who died in the World Trade Center attack were not heroes. They were bankers. People who would like nothing stand in the way of making a quick buck. Why are they heroes? Because they died? What about the 17 million Africans and Arabs who have died in civil wars since 9/11? Is a life only of value if the media are interested in reporting it?"
  • (J.K. Simmons) "And you, good sir. How many of your people have died in the Iraq war?"
  • (Erick Avari) "Please, sir. I just want some peace. So leave."
  • (J.K. Simmons) "Now that's a citizen I like. A perfect candidate for a f*** You."
  • (Erick Avari) "f*** me? f*** YOU."
  • (J.K. Simmons) "Thank you."
  • (Erick Avari) "YOU'RE WELCOME."
  • (J.K. Simmons) "Now that's the spirit I like and THAT'S the way of the f*** You Party."
  • (J.K. Simmons) "And NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, does not exist. All the space missions we were told about since we were little kids in school: Creations of Hollywood. We never landed on the moon. There is no John Glenn."

Dave Foley as Uncle Dave

  • (Dave Foley) "f*** me. I'm f***in' gay."
  • (Dave Foley) "All in all this has really not been a very pleasant day."
  • (Dave Foley) "Ritchie, am I the only one who doesn't know of a f***in' bomb shelter in my room?"
  • (Chris Coppola) "It's not a bomb shelter."
  • (Chris Coppola) "It's a God shelter."
  • (Dave Foley) "Today we're doing god work. So get in there and give those boys a god-job."
  • (Dave Foley) "Welcome to the Denomination of Organic Monotheism. I welcome you all to your first step of freedom by completing your training program. Obviously, you have all come to the conclusion that the American dream is not a dream for you. In fact, it is a nightmare."
  • (Dave Foley) "A nightmare that soon will be engulfed in the all-encompassing flames of God's Damnation."
  • (Dave Foley) "Piast people in the house say "Oh.""
  • (Dave Foley) "Who loves God? We do."
  • (Dave Foley) "You know, it's funny. All of these f***in' idiots are calling me Uncle Dave and here I am actually "your" Uncle Dave."

Seymour Cassel as Paul

  • (Seymour Cassel) "I knew this one girl that thought sperm was medicine. All she wanted to do was suck cock. Then she got 3 little children. So she used to put sperm into their bottles to build up their immune system. They all got AIDS."

Julia Sandberg Hansson as Mitzi

  • (Julia Sandberg Hansson) "They did a poo-poo in my mouth."

Chris Spencer as Officer Greg

  • (Chris Spencer) "Citizens of this great nation -- town. Watch out for this psychopathic deranged killer also known as --"
  • (Ralf Moeller) "Postal Dude."
  • (Chris Spencer) "Postal Dude."
  • (Chris Spencer) "Is that the best you could come up with?"
  • (Chris Spencer) "Postal Dude. He's wanted for kidnapping, a shootout at the social welfare office, the assassination of Candidate Wells --"
  • (Ralf Moeller) "And the killing of a Chinese woman."
  • (Chris Spencer) "And he killed a poor, innocent, old Chinese lady. If you have seen him --"
  • (Zack Ward) "Ever had one of those days?"
  • (Mob Member) "No."
  • (Mob Member) "Hey. Hey. It's the Postal Dude."
  • (Zack Ward) "Get away."
  • (Mob Member) "After him."
  • (Chris Spencer) "No, that's not him. Do you see his hair at the sides? This guy looks like Jesus."
  • (Chris Spencer) "Oh oh, watch this. Say "Will work for food" in German."
  • (Unnamed) "Uh --"
  • (Chris Spencer) "You're the s***."
  • (Chris Spencer) "You're under arrest."

Lindsay Hollister as Cooter

  • (Lindsay Hollister) "Feces in the yard. That's a violation of trailer ordinance #101-40."
  • (Zack Ward) "Stop eating the poop."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "I'll add that to the list."
  • (Zack Ward) "Oh, the list? Oh, great. What else? What else you got on the list?"
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "Ordinance #143-11; yesterday around lunchtime. Now, I don't care what you two do in your own bedroom, but ordinance #143-11 says if I hear you nude love making after 10am, I get to file grievance against your sorry ass which is exactly what I'm gonna do."
  • (Zack Ward) "Oh, oh, okay. Well, at least I wasn't born in my sister, you imbred hick. Oh, and for your information, hillbilly, I wasn't even here yesterday afternoon."
  • (Lindsay Hollister) "--"
  • (Zack Ward) "I hate this town --"

Chris Coppola as Richard

  • (Chris Coppola) "This is Anne Frank. Hitler 2, come in."

Ralf Moeller as Officier John

  • (Ralf Moeller) "Greg, I've been doing a lot of research about American Morality. I'm not sure you're doing the right thing with Harry here."
  • (Chris Spencer) "Harry? You know how I met Harry? Me and my dog were hiking in the hills and this fool comes riding down the hill on his bicycle, hits my dog, flies over the handlebars and breaks his neck."
  • (Ralf Moeller) "So you took him to the hospital?"
  • (Chris Spencer) "I took my dog to the hospital. Harry? I threw him in the truck and took him home. I mean the motherf***er almost killed my dog."
  • (Ralf Moeller) "Hm --"
  • (Chris Spencer) "Three days later I came back and Harry was still alive. We've been business-partners ever since. Oh, Harry, it's time to go to work."

Michael Paré as Panhandler

  • (Michael Paré) "Hey, yo, pal. Come here. Help me out with a few bucks."
  • (Zack Ward) "I don't -- I don't have any money."
  • (Michael Paré) "No, I'm serious. I need a few bucks to take a bus ride to see my kids."
  • (Zack Ward) "I don- I don't ha- I'm sorry. I don't have any money."
  • (Michael Paré) "Hey, get over here. Come here. Come here. COME HERE."
  • (Michael Paré) "Get the f*** outta here. I'm sick and tired of people like you. You got a good job. You got a big car. You got everything and I got nothing. Well, f*** you. And f*** anybody that even LOOKS like you. Get the f*** outta here."
  • (Michael Paré) "f***in' knock you out, pal."

Carrie Genzel as Reporter Gayle

  • (Carrie Genzel) "Gary, wait."
  • (Carrie Genzel) "Ok, roll it Gary. Make me a star."
  • (Carrie Genzel) "This is Gayle Ravinson reporting live from Little Germany Theme Park or what will forever be known as "The place were the laughter died". Celebrity icon Verne Troyer is currently missing or presumed dead. The coward responsible for this massacre has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair and wearing a peace t-shirt. Back to you Bob. Oh, thats right; You're dead -- these kids are starting to smell."

Erick Avari as Habib

  • (Unnamed) "Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom."
  • (Erick Avari) "Praise Allah."
  • (Unnamed) "Praise him. Soon, we will be greeted by Allah, the one true god -- and by the cheers of our Four Fathers -- and by ninety-nine perfect virgins who will worship us -- for ALL eternity."
  • (Erick Avari) "I thought it was one hundred."
  • (Unnamed) "What's that?"
  • (Erick Avari) "One hundred virgins. They promised me one hundred."
  • (Unnamed) "Ninety-nine, one hundred. What's the difference?"
  • (Erick Avari) "If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another, maybe they don't know for sure."
  • (Unnamed) "Maybe -- maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise."
  • (Erick Avari) "I mean, if it's in the nineties, I can live with that."
  • (Unnamed) "Or seventy-five."
  • (Erick Avari) "And hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's ten?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well --"
  • (Erick Avari) "What if it's ten, but we had to split them between us?"
  • (Unnamed) "Then you'd have five more virgins than you have right now, right?"
  • (Erick Avari) "We're talking about ETERNITY here. How long will five virgins last you? Maybe a month? But they're not going to be virgins for long, right?"
  • (Unnamed) "Look, would it make it feel better if we called the big guy?"
  • (Erick Avari) "Yes."
  • (Unnamed) "Take this, then."
  • (Unnamed) "It's ringing -- Osama, yes, it's Asif -- No, we're on it -- eh, it's fine, but security, it takes forever, you know."
  • (Unnamed) "What are you going to do? Anyway, look, Nabi has a question. Will you talk to him?"
  • (Erick Avari) "No. You talk to him."
  • (Erick Avari) "Hello. Yes -- uh, it's about the virgins -- really? It was one hundred when I signed up."
  • (Erick Avari) "He says not that many anymore. Too many martyrs and not enough virgins to go around."
  • (Unnamed) "You've got to be kidding. Does he know where we are here? Give me the phone."
  • (Unnamed) "Osama, Asif. Right now, can you tell me the number, absolutely, you can guarantee, Nabi and myself, as far as virgins are concerned?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, that's fine."
  • (Unnamed) "We can't get anymore than twenty."
  • (Unnamed) "Screw this, right?"
  • (Erick Avari) "I'm glad you said it first."
  • (Unnamed) "Okay, get on the intercom and tell them, "Passengers, we are changing course for the Bahamas.""
  • (Erick Avari) "BAHAMAS."

Brent Mendenhall as George W. Bush

  • (Unnamed) "Write me up an e-mail, tell me what pipe you're talkin' about and I'll blow it all the way to Mecca."
  • (Brent Mendenhall) "I really appreciate it. I'll ask Laura to type that out. You know me and spelling and all --"
  • (Unnamed) "Later --"
  • (Unnamed) "Jihad."

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