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Roxanne (film) Quotes

Roxanne (film) is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Roxanne ended its run in 1970.

It features Michael I. Rachmil as producer, Bruce Smeaton in charge of musical score, and Ian Baker (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Roxanne (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Roxanne (film) is 107 minutes long. Roxanne (film) is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Steve Martin as C.D. Bales, Max Alexander as Dean, Ritch Shydner and Kevin Nealon as Drunk #1, Ritch Shydner and Kevin Nealon as Drunk #2, Fred Willard as Mayor Deebs, Shelley Duvall as Dixie, John Kapelos as Chuck, Shandra Beri as Sandy, Thom Curley as Jim, Steve Mittleman as Ralston, Damon Wayans as Jerry, Michael J. Pollard as Andy, Jean Sincere as Nina, and Matt Lattanzi as Trent.

Roxanne (film) Quotes

Steve Martin as C.D. Bales

  • (Steve Martin) "You see, I am and I will always be the one who loved you without limits."
  • (Steve Martin) "When you're reaching for a star, there's a long way to fall."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Just get out. Go on, get out."
  • (Steve Martin) "Wait a second, I am out. You get in."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "No, get out."
  • (Steve Martin) "Get in. Go on, get off the porch. Go on get off the porch."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "By the way, I named the comet."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh oh yeah, oh yeah, good ol' Comet Kowalski."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "No, Comet Charlie."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, hey -- that's nice."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Yeah, it's my dad's name."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh -- oh. Well, he'll be so happy."
  • (Steve Martin) "I really admire your shoes."
  • (Ritch Shydner and Kevin Nealon) "What?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I love your shoes."
  • (Ritch Shydner and Kevin Nealon) "What do ya mean?"
  • (Steve Martin) "And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm tired of having a magnificient, fabulous, interesting nose. I want a cute little, petite, little button nose. Give me the American Beauty, Dave."
  • (Steve Martin) "Yes, I have a friend who is looking for a cosmetic, or wondering if one exists, that's sort of a shading type of arrangement. Do you have anything like that, that would be in a -- er, shading area?"
  • (Cindy) "Well, we have lots of lots of blushes and things. What specifically is it for?"
  • (Steve Martin) "She has this -- feature, that she would like to, uh, you know, de-emphasize."
  • (Cindy) "I see. She has this; extra large feature? And, uh, she wants something to make it look a little smaller?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Exactly."
  • (Cindy) "Well, I think a dark contour would be fine."
  • (Steve Martin) "Great, great. Now, how would she go about, you know, applying this -- thing?"
  • (Cindy) "Well, she would -- she would just shade the area of the, uh, feature, to make it appear that there were more shadows, and less actual; well, less actual acreage; I mean area."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'll take it."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Hey Charlie? Can I talk to you?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Well --"
  • (Steve Martin) "I almost never let this moment happen. And now I feel sorry for people for whom it never comes."
  • (Steve Martin) "I've got a two o'clock, and a five o'clock, and the women are just lined up around the block, mostly because of the old saying."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "What old saying?"
  • (Steve Martin) "You know, about the size of a man's nose relating to the size of his --"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Of his what?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, you know."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Come on."
  • (Steve Martin) "Hey, Sophie?"
  • (Sophie) "Yeah?"
  • (Steve Martin) "You know that old saying about a man's nose?"
  • (Sophie) "Oh, you mean how a man's nose relates to the size of his --"
  • (Sophie) "Oh, my God --"
  • (Steve Martin) "I love doing that to them."
  • (Steve Martin) "You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter."
  • (Steve Martin) "You must know about M31."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Yeah."
  • (Steve Martin) "Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Do you know how many objects are up there?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, I know it's over fifty."
  • (Steve Martin) "I wanna look like -- Diana Ross."
  • (Chris McConnell) "Aren't you going to kill me? The guys said --"
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, ordinarily, yeah, but not today."
  • (Chris McConnell) "How come?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Because yesterday -- she didn't. But today -- she does."
  • (John Kapelos) "So you finally got a sense of humor about your nose."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ten more seconds and I'm leaving."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "What did you say?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I said, ten more seconds and I'm leaving. Wait a second. What did you think I said?"
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "I thought you said, "Earn more sessions by sleeving.""
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, what the hell does that mean?"
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "I don't know. That's why I came out"
  • (Steve Martin) "Here's your racket."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Thanks. What's this stuff on it, Vitalis?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh no, it's blood."
  • (Steve Martin) "Where's my tea?"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Bernie. You want to tell me about it?"
  • (Steve Martin) "You're too young."
  • (Steve Martin) "I love you. I have breathed you in and I am suffocating."
  • (Unnamed) "They call me Porky at school."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah, why do they have to do that, goddammit. Sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of you."
  • (Unnamed) "Bastards. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of you. Do I have to go down now?"
  • (Steve Martin) "No, no let's just stay up here for a while."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "You even got me in bed."
  • (Steve Martin) "Yeah. Yeah, what about that? You went to bed with him on your first date."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Only because you seduced me. I would have never gone to bed with him otherwise."
  • (Steve Martin) "You still went to bed with him awfully fast. A few frilly words and you're counting ceilling tiles."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "I don't even consider that I went to bed with him."
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, somebody was up there, and it's for god**** sure it wasn't me."
  • (Steve Martin) "I, uh, notice you don't have any tattoos. I think that's a wise choice. I don't think Jackie Onassis would've gone as far if she'd have had an anchor on her arm."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "So why did you say those things?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Tell her you were afraid."
  • (Chris McConnell) "Because I was afraid."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Of me? Afraid of what?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Tell her you were afraid of words."
  • (Chris McConnell) "What?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Words."
  • (Chris McConnell) "Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne. Worms."
  • (Steve Martin) "Party trick. Ah, well, a nose by any other name --"
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Would smell as sweet."
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, every job has a perfect tool. Let's see -- Uh, this lock doesn't accept Master Card."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "When you're getting love letters, you don't go around trying to compare the signature to the handwriting."
  • (Steve Martin) "You wanna know why? Cause you wanted to believe it. You wanted it all. All the romance and emotion, all wrapped up in a cute little nose and a cute little ass."
  • (Chris McConnell) "What am I afraid of her for? She's no rocket scientist."
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, actually, she is a rocket scientist."
  • (Steve Martin) "I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream; and I hope you don't find this too crazy; is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department." That would be bad."
  • (Steve Martin) "It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts."
  • (Steve Martin) "It's hypnotic, isn't it?"
  • (Chris McConnell) "It's huge. It's enormous. It's gigantic. I mean, they said it was big, but I didn't expect it to be BIG."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "You know, I've been thinking about what attracted me to Chris. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true, at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that, was it? It was you. You and your nose, Charlie. You have a big nose. You have a beautiful, great big, flesh-and-bone nose. I love your nose. I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Well?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Are you kidding?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I am in orbit around you, I am suspended weightless over you like the blue man in the Chagall, hanging over you in a delirious kiss."
  • (Steve Martin) "So what do you get if you're right about this thing?"
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Well, I graduate, that's for sure. And I get to name it."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, that'd be great, kind of historical."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Yeah. "Comet Kowalski.""
  • (Steve Martin) ""Kowalski"? Why? You've got a chance to give it a beautiful name."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "That's my name."
  • (Steve Martin) "It is? Roxanne Kowalski? Oh, heh-heh -- sorry."
  • (Steve Martin) "Do you know the phrase carpe diem?"
  • (Chris McConnell) "It's, it's fish, fish bait, right?"
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Nobody had a coat?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I thought you said you didn't want a coat --"
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Why would I not want a coat?"
  • (Steve Martin) "You said you didn't want a coat."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "I was being ironic."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, ho, ho, irony. Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, it's locked. It's locked. Oh. Oh. Thank god I have a key."
  • (Steve Martin) "I think it's brilliant. What an idea. And I was there. He took the idea. He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's, it's, dare I say -- genius? Ah, no, no. But maybe, ooh. ah. maybe it is. Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it --"
  • (Steve Martin) "But my point is you can't run a fire department with the seven banana Brothers. You need professionals."
  • (Cosmetic Surgeon) "What you need is psychotherapy."
  • (Steve Martin) "I can hear it now. 'Get used to it. 500 dollars, please.' Can I see some of those nose cards for a while?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Dixie. Hi, how you doing, girl? Yeah, I'm on my way. I'll be there in about five minutes. I'm bringing it. I've only had it a year and a half, I told you I'd return it. OK. So long. Talk to you later. All right. All right. Bye."
  • (Steve Martin) "Let's start with -- Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow. Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like -- Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late. Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you. Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear. Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle. Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95. Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got --"
  • (Unnamed) "The whole world in his nose."
  • (Steve Martin) "Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa. I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that?"
  • (Max Alexander) "Fourteen, Chief."
  • (Steve Martin) "Religious: the Lord giveth -- and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine. Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee -- in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped."
  • (Steve Martin) "All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Where am I?"
  • (Jean Sincere) "You're in Nelson."
  • (Steve Martin) "Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home."
  • (Steve Martin) "Bye. What day is it?"
  • (Jean Sincere) "Friday. "Dallas" is on."
  • (Steve Martin) "Friday? Then it took no time. It didn't exist in time."
  • (Dottie) "What?"
  • (Steve Martin) "The spacecraft. I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me."
  • (Lydia) "I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Lights? You never saw so many lights. It was like Broadway. Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms. He walked like this:"
  • (Steve Martin) "Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me."
  • (Dottie) "At Roxanne's house?"
  • (Steve Martin) "That's where they are right now."
  • (Dottie) "Ah, this is bulls***. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go."
  • (Steve Martin) "You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women."
  • (Jean Sincere) "Why?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Because they wanted to have sex with them."
  • (Sophie) "Where?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Here. Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing.""
  • (Lydia) "We do."
  • (Sophie) "It's been so long."
  • (Dottie) "Oh, girls, girls. Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women?"
  • (Dottie) "Let's go and check it out."

Shelley Duvall as Dixie

  • (Shelley Duvall) "So, why don't you ask her out?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Sometimes I take a walk at night and I see couples walking, holding hands and I look at them and I think: "Why not me?" Then I catch my shadow on the wall --"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Huh?"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I don't know."
  • (Shelley Duvall) "A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush."
  • (Steve Martin) "What's the point?"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You should tell her."
  • (Steve Martin) "Tell who, what?"
  • (Shelley Duvall) "Tell Roxanne that you love her."

Michael J. Pollard as Andy

  • (Michael J. Pollard) "Hey, he owes me fifty bucks."
  • (Steve Mittleman) "You animal."
  • (Michael J. Pollard) "That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department."
  • (Chris McConnell) "Hey, did that copy of 'Being and Nothingness,' by Jean --"
  • (Stationery Clerk) "Jean-Paul Sartre? Yes, it did. I got it right here. It's all paid for."
  • (Chris McConnell) "Great. Okay, thanks a lot."
  • (Stationery Clerk) "De rien. Il n'y a pas de quoi."
  • (Chris McConnell) "All right, okay --"
  • (Stationery Clerk) "It ain't nothing, bro."
  • (Chris McConnell) "" -- therefore my body is a conscious structure of my consciousness -- ""
  • (Michael J. Pollard) "Yeah. Thanks, Chris. I was too embarrassed to go in there and ask for it myself."
  • (Chris McConnell) "A little light reading, huh, Andy?"

Shandra Beri as Sandy

  • (Shandra Beri) "He's got a great ass."
  • (Roxanne Kowalski) "Too bad it's on his shoulders."

Fred Willard as Mayor Deebs

  • (Fred Willard) "I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world."
  • (Fred Willard) "I want something that says action with style. Kind of a GQ firefighter."

Thom Curley as Jim

  • (Thom Curley) "You smart ass son of a bitch."
  • (Steve Martin) "You flat-faced, flat-nosed flat head."
  • (Thom Curley) "Heard you're tough."
  • (Steve Martin) "I am."
  • (Steve Martin) "But, uh, if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good."
  • (Thom Curley) "Asshole."
  • (Thom Curley) "Hey, where you going, Big Nose?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Pardon me?"
  • (Thom Curley) "You heard me -- Big Nose."

Steve Mittleman as Ralston

  • (Steve Mittleman) "Man, whatever you do, don't stare."
  • (Chris McConnell) "Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on."
  • (Damon Wayans) "None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring."
  • (Steve Mittleman) "Then you think, "it's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "this is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap.""
  • (Chris McConnell) "Thanks guys, all right."
  • (Steve Mittleman) "Don't say we didn't warn you."

Matt Lattanzi as Trent

  • (Matt Lattanzi) "Who's at the door?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Someone locked out of their house."
  • (Michael J. Pollard) "Need any help, chief?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Nah, it looks pretty boring, I'll handle it."

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