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Safety Not Guaranteed Quotes

Safety Not Guaranteed is a television show that debuted in 1970 . Safety Not Guaranteed ended in 1970.

It features Marc Turtletaub; Peter Saraf; Stephanie Langhoff; Derek Connolly, and Colin Trevorrow as producer, Ryan Miller (musician) in charge of musical score, and Benjamin Kasulke as head of cinematography.

Safety Not Guaranteed is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Safety Not Guaranteed is 86 minutes long. Safety Not Guaranteed is distributed by FilmDistrict.

The cast includes: Mark Duplass as Kenneth, Aubrey Plaza as Darius, Jake Johnson as Jeff, Karan Soni as Arnau, and Kristen Bell as Belinda.

Safety Not Guaranteed Quotes

Aubrey Plaza as Darius

  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Are you guys racist?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "It's complicated."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "What makes you think he won't slam the door in my face, too?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "Because you gotta be sincere and charming. Okay? He's used to assholes like me coming and making fun."
  • (Karan Soni) "Uh, also, probably none of the other people were beautiful girls."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Easy, Arnau."
  • (Karan Soni) "What?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "He's right. Use that too. There's something off about this guy, okay? So you gotta go slow, like you're trapping a skittish animal. Now, lure him. Play coy. Girls know how to do that s***."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "You're dangling my vagina out there like bait. What if this guy's a murderer? What if he cuts me up into little pieces and eats me?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "Then the story's even better."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "I have no funk. I'm totally funkless."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Why do you have flames on your laptop?"
  • (Karan Soni) "It's a gaming laptop. It's really fast."
  • (Mr. Britt) "You're sad. I don't know how to describe it. It's like there's a cloud following you. You're antisocial, and you're a virgin."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "What?"
  • (Mr. Britt) "I don't ever see you with any guys. I don't remember the last time you brought a guy home."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Yeah, well, how do you know I'm not on Craigslist, having casual encounters? Or when I was away at the dorms? You weren't there."
  • (Mr. Britt) "I've talked to Amy."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Why are you talking to my college roommate?"
  • (Mr. Britt) "We're Facebook friends."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Oh, my God. How do I eject?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "What time would you go back to? If you could."
  • (Karan Soni) "I don't know. I'm fine here."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "I would definitely go back. Everything cool is gone. The Aztecs. People killing themselves for each other. You wouldn't want to see the dragons and the elves, fighting each other in the magical forests? Come on."
  • (Karan Soni) "No."
  • (Karan Soni) "That wasn't a time."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Yeah. Right."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "How far back do you want me to go?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Do you sell guns here?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "What kind of guns?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "I don't know. Something sexy and affordable, with killing power?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "You should try C and R Guns in Wilkins. The state of Washington does not allow the sale of firearms in the business premises of a grocer."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Hm. What about those -- thingies? With the spiky ball on the end of a chain things, you know, and the --"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "You have those?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "What exactly is the intended use? Is there a pest problem, or hunting?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Well, if your ad had been written properly, I may have a better idea of what I need."
  • (Mark Duplass) "My ad?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Yeah. It's pretty sloppy."
  • (Mark Duplass) "Excuse me?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "You heard me. I hope you worked harder on your calibrations."
  • (Mark Duplass) "My calibrations are flippin' pinpoint, okay?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Hm."
  • (Mark Duplass) "There are people after me. How do I know you don't work for them?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Because I've never worked for anybody in my life."
  • (Mark Duplass) "You ever face certain death?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "If it was so certain, I wouldn't be here, would I?"

Karan Soni as Arnau

  • (Karan Soni) "Stormtroopers don't know anything about lasers or time-travel. They're blue-collar workers."
  • (Karan Soni) "Wait. How about this one?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Yeah, she wants to stop the person who gave her that haircut from being born."

Jake Johnson as Jeff

  • (Jake Johnson) "Here she is. Look at you, you went all rogue. What did you get?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Got his name, where he works."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Great."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "What did you guys get?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "She accepted, but, uh, no photos, so I'm not really sure."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "What?"
  • (Karan Soni) "He came here to hook up with an old high school girlfriend."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Seriously? That's what you've been doing?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "Well, I've been doing other stuff, too, but."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Maybe this will change your attitude a little bit. That's her. When she was 18, and I used to see her naked."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "So?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "So I'm coming back to try to see her naked again."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "I'd be weirded out if some guy tried to track me down after 20 years."
  • (Jake Johnson) "I'd be weirded out, too, if some guy tried to track you down."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Why?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "Who would do that?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "It's all one long school year now. No start, no finish."
  • (Jake Johnson) "I don't know, she's was big and, like --"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "Hmm, like your age? Yeah, gross."
  • (Jake Johnson) "This is f***ing intense."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "We're going 15 miles per hour."
  • (Jake Johnson) "f***in' lasers?"
  • (Karan Soni) "What kind of lasers?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "I don't know, I'm not a freakin' storm trooper."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Kenneth Calloway, right? Is that right? My name is Jeff."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Look, I saw your ad in the, uh, Classifieds. I want to know if you need a partner."
  • (Mark Duplass) "What's your mission?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "What do you mean, what's my mission?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "What's your reason for going back?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go back? It's an amazing opportunity. To go back in time, you know? See gladiators, and watch dinosaurs with my own eyes. Have sex with a pilgrim? That's all I wanted. I want to go back. It's neat. Who wouldn't want to go back, Kenneth? YOU want to go back. Why do YOU want to go back? Well, do you need a partner?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "Can you look fear and danger in the eye?"
  • (Jake Johnson) "That's an odd question."
  • (Mark Duplass) "Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said YES."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Sure."
  • (Mark Duplass) "Get off my porch."
  • (Jake Johnson) "Let's start over. Come on, we can be pals. Let's go back in time."
  • (Mark Duplass) "Man, that smile. What is that smile? You don't know pain, you don't know regret, you don't know --"
  • (Jake Johnson) "Okay. Well, look, it was really nice to meet you."
  • (Mark Duplass) "That's what I thought."
  • (Jake Johnson) "So here's what I'm thinking. We're budgeted for two rooms, but if we share a room, we could use that extra money for some other s***."
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "For what? Drugs?"

Mark Duplass as Kenneth

  • (Mark Duplass) "The mission has been updated. I'm going back for you now. All right. Do you trust me?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "This is a bad place to talk. I get off in, like, fifteen. Rendezvous?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "See you in eight."
  • (Mark Duplass) "While I would like to maneuver through this world with an open heart and mind, sometimes it doesn't gain you favor. So I just need to be equipped with the necessary skill sets, guns, training, weapons, fighting; in case I encounter any obstacles that need to be defeated."
  • (Mark Duplass) "To go it alone, or to go with a partner. When you choose a partner, you have to have compromises and sacrifices, but it's the price you pay. Do I want to follow my every whim and desire as I make my way through time and space? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, do I need someone when I'm doubting myself and I'm insecure, and my heart's failing me? Do I need someone who, when the heat gets hot, has my back?"
  • (Aubrey Plaza) "So, do you?"
  • (Mark Duplass) "I do."

Kristen Bell as Belinda

  • (Kristen Bell) "He wasn't the kind of guy you could easily fit into your life."

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