Seinfeld (season 2) Quotes

Seinfeld is a TV program that debuted in 1991 on NBC. Seinfeld completed its run in 1991.

Seinfeld aired for 12 episodes.

Seinfeld Quotes

• (George Costanza) "You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister."
• (Jerry) "What does that even mean?"

• (Jerry) "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer -- but not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure -- my twinkle. Everything I have I owe to this face."
• (Jerry) "And your teeth -- they're all brown."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Look away. I'm hideous."

• (George Costanza) "But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?"
• (Jerry) "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?"
• (George Costanza) "Flame on."

• (George Costanza) "She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on."
• (Jerry) "Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on."

• (George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
• (Jerry) "Bad situation --"

• (Jerry) "Why not "G-Bone"?"
• (George Costanza) "There's no G-Bone."
• (Jerry) "There's a g-spot."
• (George Costanza) "HEY. That's a myth."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."

• (Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
• (Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
• (Elaine) "I don't understand."
• (Jerry) "Exactly."

• (Jerry) "What is THAT book doing on the table?"
• (Elaine) "What? What is wrong with this book?"
• (Jerry) "That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom."
• (Elaine) "ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through."

• (Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
• (Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
• (Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
• (Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm out."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Poor Lily."

• (George Costanza) "I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man."

• (Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"

• (Elaine) "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
• (Jerry) "Anything's possible."

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
• (Jerry) "Line 2?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."

• (Jerry) "I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp."

• (Jerry) "You can't just leave the group."
• (Elaine) "Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios."

• (Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
• (George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is this oak?"
• (Mr. Lager) "Think it's pine."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Pine is good."
• (Mr. Lager) "Yeah, pine's okay."

• (Jerry) "What are you saying?"
• (Elaine) "I'm not saying anything."
• (Jerry) "You're saying something."
• (Elaine) "What could I be saying?"
• (Jerry) "Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something."
• (Elaine) "If I were saying something, I would have said it."
• (Jerry) "So why don't you say it?"
• (Elaine) "I said it."
• (Jerry) "What did you say?"
• (Elaine) "Nothing."

• (George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"

• (Jerry) "This woman's completely ignoring me."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster -- Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer."
• (Jerry) "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."

• (Jerry) "But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye."

• (Jerry) "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there -- you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it -- you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you; 'these are your friends. Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

• (George Costanza) "I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal -- medium orgasm."
• (Jerry) "I never had a really good pickle."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Keith Hernandez."
• (Newman) "Keith Hernandez. I despise that man."

• (Jerry) "Hello, 911? How are ya?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."

• (George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

• (George Costanza) "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
• (Jerry) "You can't over-dry."
• (George Costanza) "Why not?"
• (Jerry) "Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry."
• (George Costanza) "Any questions?"

• (Elaine) "Who are they running against?"
• (Jerry) "Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair."

• (George Costanza) "I got to go home and take a nap."
• (Jerry) "It's 10:30 in the morning."
• (George Costanza) "I'll tell you, I am wiped."

• (George Costanza) "What kind of a person are you?"
• (Jerry) "I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful."

• (Elaine) "YOU'RE BALD."
• (George Costanza) "Correction. I WAS bald."

• (George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

• (Jerry) "And what is his stand on abortion?"
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "What is his stand -- on abortion?"
• (Elaine) "Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice."
• (Jerry) "How do you know?"
• (Elaine) "Because he -- Well -- He's just so good-looking."
• (Jerry) "Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas -- could be trouble."

• (George Costanza) "The sea was angry that day, my friends; like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella." And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish."
• (Jerry) "Mammal."
• (George Costanza) "Whatever."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, what did you do next?"
• (George Costanza) "Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him; face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is that, a Titleist?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hole in one, huh?"

• (Cushman) "I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants."
• (George Steinbrenner) "Nice to meet you."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego."
• (George Steinbrenner) "Hire this man."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola."

• (Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
• (George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
• (Jerry) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
• (Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
• (Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."

• (Elaine) "Jerry, it's B.O."
• (Jerry) "But the whole car smells."
• (Elaine) "So?"
• (Jerry) "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."

• (Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
• (Newman) "I usually do."
• (Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."

• (George Costanza) "I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting -- I feel like Robert Wagner in there."

• (George Costanza) "I gotta call Elaine."
• (Jerry) "She's out."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, yeah. The blind date."
• (Jerry) "They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."

• (Jerry) "You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle."

• (George Costanza) "So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?"
• (Elaine) "I did."
• (Jerry) "And the Christian rock?"
• (Elaine) "Resurrected."

• (George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
• (Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
• (George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
• (Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
• (George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
• (Newman) "Hey, thanks."

• (George Costanza) "George is gettin' upset."

• (Elaine) "How can you show your face around there?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there."

• (Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."

• (Noel) "I am breaking up with YOU."
• (George Costanza) "You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
• (Noel) "And you're going to need it --"

• (Newman) "Hello, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Hello, Newman."

• (Jerry) "Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce."
• (Newman) "I love broccoli. It's good for you."
• (Jerry) "Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?"
• (Newman) "Gladly."
• (Newman) "Vile weed."

• (George Costanza) "I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker."
• (Jerry) "The Daily Worker has personals?"
• (George Costanza) "And; get this; they said that appearance wasn't important."
• (Jerry) "Yours or hers?"

• (Jerry) "You know, I never expected that movie --"
• (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "To end under water."
• (Jerry) "To be so long. Usually movies like that --"
• (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "Are a lot more violent."
• (Jerry) "Are a lot shorter."
• (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "I should --"
• (Jerry) "Get going."

• (Jerry) "I thought you weren't coming back till Monday."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
• (Jerry) "Why?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, there was an incident."
• (Jerry) "What happened?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."

• (Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

• (George Costanza) "I'm speechless. I have no speech."

• (Jerry) "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo."

• (Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"

• (Jerry) "George Costanza -- Is getting married."
• (Elaine) "Get out."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket."
• (George Costanza) "How do you know?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died."
• (George Costanza) "51 people? I thought it was more like 1000."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "There were 1,560 survivors."
• (George Costanza) "That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?"

• (Elaine) "Anna, whose jacket is that?"
• (Anna) "It's mine."
• (Elaine) "Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear."

• (Unnamed) "Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor."
• (Jerry) "You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?"
• (Unnamed) "Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
• (Jerry) "All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody."

• (George Costanza) "I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami."
• (Jerry) "Yeah. That's what you did."

• (Elaine) "Why don't you park in a garage?"
• (George Costanza) "-- Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free."

• (Jerry) "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."

• (Dean Jones) "Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
• (Dean Jones) "As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken."
• (Dean Jones) "I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary."
• (Dean Jones) "Your fly's open."

• (Unnamed) "Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?"
• (Unnamed) "Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
• (Jerry) "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
• (Unnamed) "No."
• (Jerry) "Well, now you know how I feel."

• (Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine."
• (George Costanza) "Celia is up for parole."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who?"
• (George Costanza) "What?"
• (Jerry) "I'm too tired."

• (David Puddy) "I'll be back. We'll make out."

• (George Costanza) "All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance."
• (Jerry) "You've made some fine exits."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, she was completely topless."
• (George Costanza) "How good of a look did you get?"
• (Jerry) "What do you mean?"
• (George Costanza) "Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police --"
• (Jerry) "They'd pick her up in about ten minutes."

• (Unnamed) "So I got home -- and he was vacumming. I mean, he's twelve years old. Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent."
• (Elaine) "Excuse me -- excuse me."
• (Unnamed) "What's the problem?"
• (Elaine) "-- you're talking."

• (Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

• (Elaine) "David and I will not get back together."
• (Jerry) "Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

• (George Costanza) "I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances."
• (Jerry) "You have made some good exits."

• (David Puddy) "Feels like an Arby's night."

• (Marlene) "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
• (Jerry) "You're a cashier."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who is Joseph Cotton. Giddy-up."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is pie. Oooh. Giddy-up again."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is the Cha-Cha. Yes, indeed."

• (George Costanza) "You're killing independent George."

• (George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
• (George Costanza) "Of course you do."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look."
• (George Costanza) "Stink eye?"
• (Jerry) "Crook eye?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "EVIL eye."

• (Blaine) "What was bad about The English Patient?"
• (Elaine) "Only that it sucked."

• (Elaine) "What are you doing?"
• (Unnamed) "Vincent stopped making picks."
• (Elaine) "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?"
• (Unnamed) "We have a wide variety of Gene Picks."
• (Elaine) "Gene's trash."
• (Unnamed) "I'm Gene."
• (Elaine) "Hi."

• (George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

• (George Costanza) "So, what've you been doing with yourself?"
• (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
• (George Costanza) "Yeah, well -- I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, yeah --"
• (Jerry) "Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?"

• (Jerry) "Hola."
• (Elaine) "Shove it."
• (Jerry) "What's with the get up?"
• (Elaine) "I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day."
• (Jerry) "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."

• (Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
• (George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
• (Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."

• (Jerry) "No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute."
• (George Costanza) "How much are you paying this maid?"
• (Jerry) "$40."
• (George Costanza) "$40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier."
• (Jerry) "And a deadbolt."

• (George Costanza) "This could be my chance to give something back."
• (Jerry) "You want to give something back, start with the $20,000."

• (Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

• (Jerry) "WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit --"
• (Unnamed) "Jerry, what are you doing?"
• (Jerry) "I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink."

• (George Costanza) "Here's the outlet."
• (Slippery Pete) "The what?"
• (George Costanza) "The outlet. Where the electricity comes from."
• (Slippery Pete) "Oh, you mean the holes."

• (Jerry) "I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?"

• (George Costanza) ""Sweet fancy Moses""

• (Elaine) "Where's Kramer?"
• (Jerry) "Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo."

• (Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
• (George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

• (George Costanza) "What's a three-letter word for "candy"?"
• (Jerry) "I can't do those things."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
• (David Puddy) "Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?"
• (Elaine) "We have to break up."
• (David Puddy) "What?"
• (Elaine) "Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,"
• (Elaine) "YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG."

• (Enzo) "How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?"
• (Newman) "What's the catch?"
• (Enzo) "You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair."
• (Newman) "Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts -- and a comb."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU."

• (Jerry) "You with these too?"
• (George Costanza) "I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method; he jumps."
• (Jerry) "Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich."

• (Jerry) "You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate."
• (Newman) "What? I love broccoli."
• (Jerry) "Oh yeah? Taste."
• (Newman) "Vile weed."

• (Jerry) "So your saying UNICEF is a scam?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."

• (Jerry) "So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you."
• (George Costanza) "They could've at least tried --"

• (Estelle Costanza) "Well, I'm out there, George."
• (George Costanza) "No, you're not out there."
• (Estelle Costanza) "I am, too."
• (George Costanza) "You're not out there. You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence."

• (George Costanza) "It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal."
• (Jerry) "Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?"

• (George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
• (Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."

• (George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."

• (Jerry) "Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good; what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "That's a lotta potatoes."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
• (Jerry) "Walk away?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free."
• (Jerry) "Isn't there a deductible?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right, what is your deductible?"
• (Jerry) "I don't know."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yes, because they've already deducted it."
• (Jerry) "From what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car."
• (Jerry) "We're not leaving the car."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf."

• (Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
• (Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
• (Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."

• (Newman) "Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier."
• (Jerry) "I tried my best."
• (Newman) "Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform."
• (Jerry) "You know, this is your coat."
• (Newman) "Damn."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret."

• (Jerry) "Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings."
• (George Costanza) "What do you care what she thinks?"
• (Jerry) "Good body."

• (Jerry) "1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass."

• (George Costanza) "In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker"."

• (Jerry) "I hear that all the time."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "That I'm gay. People think I'm gay."
• (Elaine) "People ask me that about you all the time."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat."
• (George Costanza) "Guess that leaves me in the clear --"

• (Jerry) "He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys --"

• (Kruger) "The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?"
• (George Costanza) "Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane."
• (George Costanza) "Alright, that's it for me, you've been great. Good night, everybody."

• (Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."

• (Unnamed) "You're insane."
• (Jerry) "Oh yes, quite."
• (Jerry) "Of course, it's a sliding scale."

• (Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."

• (Jerry) "She has never been with a man in her entire life."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- I'm Kramer."

• (Unnamed) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack."
• (Jerry) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
• (Unnamed) "What for?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
• (George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You got money?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have a woman?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any prospects?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You got anything on the horizon?"
• (George Costanza) "Uh, no."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any action at all?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
• (George Costanza) "I like to get the Daily News."

• (Elaine) "Well, I'm going to hell."
• (Jerry) "That seems about right."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year."
• (Jerry) "It's your third day."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later."
• (Jerry) "Well, call if you're gonna be late."

• (Jerry) "I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
• (George Costanza) "What is a gander, anyway?"
• (Jerry) "It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it."

• (Unnamed) "Can I help you?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology."

• (Elaine) "Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie."

• (George Costanza) "I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."

• (Newman) "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control -- information."

• (Jerry) "Yada, Yada, Yada."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe."
• (George Costanza) "That's unbelievable."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital."
• (George Costanza) "You ran?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy; step on it.""
• (George Costanza) "Holy cow."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy.""
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Knocked him out cold."
• (George Costanza) "How could you do that?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
• (Jerry) "Wow."
• (George Costanza) "You're Batman."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."
• (Jerry) "You kept making all the stops?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, people kept ringing the bell."

• (Jerry) "See -- I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?"

• (Jerry) "Helllllooooo. La, la, la."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
• (Jerry) "No, no."
• (George Costanza) "No. No."
• (Jerry) "No steam."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid."

• (George Costanza) "Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin' -- Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car --"

• (George Costanza) "What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?"
• (Jerry) "You do make good comments."
• (George Costanza) "So?"
• (Jerry) "Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting."
• (George Costanza) "Well that's really not fair."
• (Jerry) "I know."

• (Elaine) "This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah."

• (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."

• (Elaine) "A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?"
• (George Costanza) "Yes, you. You and every woman like you."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You'll be the world's first pirate."
• (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a pirate."

• (Jackie Chiles) "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I've got gonorrhea."
• (Elaine) "That seems about right."

• (George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
• (George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."

• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books; The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine."
• (Elaine) "But, Mr. Peterman, I --"
• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, I have a question for you; is the item still with you?"
• (Elaine) "I guess so --"
• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed."

• (Elaine) "I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT."

• (Jerry) "Why are you buttering your face?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm shaving with it."
• (Jerry) "Oh Moses, smell the roses."

• (Jerry) "That -- is one magic loogie."

• (Jerry) "Oh, this is interesting --"
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "Jane's topless."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yo yo ma."
• (Jerry) "Boutros Boutros Ghali --"
• (Elaine) "Nice rack."

• (Frank Costanza) "Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"

• (Jerry) "Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life."
• (Elaine) "Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?"

• (Jerry) "But are you still master of your domain?"
• (George Costanza) "I'm king of the county. You?"
• (Jerry) "I'm lord of the manor."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened?"
• (Elaine) "Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head; was Mary Hart on TV?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah."
• (Elaine) "That's it. That is it. Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures."

• (George Costanza) "I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter -- I was raised to give up."

• (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
• (George Costanza) "Hmmm."
• (Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
• (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
• (Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."

• (Gary Fogel) "Good for you, Jack."

• (Jerry) "Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there."
• (Elaine) "So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?"
• (Jerry) "UNDATABLE."
• (Elaine) "So how are all these people gettin' together?"
• (Jerry) "Alcohol."

• (Jackie Chiles) "You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?"

• (George Costanza) "Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work."
• (Jerry) "I've never had a job."

• (Frank Costanza) "Serenity now. Serenity now."
• (George Costanza) "What is that?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW""
• (George Costanza) "Are you supposed to yell it?"
• (Frank Costanza) "The man on the tape wasn't specific."

• (Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
• (Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
• (Jerry) "Write it off what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
• (Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
• (Jerry) "No, I don't."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."

• (George Costanza) "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
• (Jerry) "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

• (Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."

• (Frank Costanza) "George, festivus is your heritage."

• (George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."

• (Jerry) "Why don't you watch it at your place?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN."

• (Frank Costanza) "Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened to the doll?"
• (Frank Costanza) "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US."

• (Jerry) "Elaine, you don't understand. This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist."
• (Jerry) "I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength."

• (Jerry) "Trouble."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "George."
• (Elaine) "Is it?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah."
• (Elaine) "Damn."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "They're trying to screw with your head."
• (Jerry) "Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know."

• (Jerry) "I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better."

• (Jerry) "Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning."
• (Jerry) "Who?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you."
• (Jerry) "Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Of course it is. I picked it out myself."
• (Jerry) "Well, you picked out a rooster."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production."

• (Jerry) "What's this? You said you were watching a video."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage."

• (George Costanza) "Only I could fail at failing."

• (Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

• (Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."

• (Jerry) "You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved."

• (George Costanza) "Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?"
• (Jerry) "No, what happened to you?"
• (George Costanza) "All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries"."
• (Jerry) "I'm Vandelay Industries?"
• (George Costanza) "Right."
• (Jerry) "What is that?"
• (George Costanza) "You're in latex."
• (Jerry) "What do I do with latex?"
• (George Costanza) "I don't know, you manufacture it."
• (Elaine) "Right here in this little apartment?"
• (Jerry) "And what do I say about you?"
• (George Costanza) "You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman."
• (Jerry) "I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?"
• (George Costanza) "Because I asked you to."
• (Jerry) "If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff."

• (Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

• (George Costanza) "For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow."

• (George Costanza) "So, did you get your new plates?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh -- yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates."
• (George Costanza) "What do they say?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Assman."
• (Jerry) "Assman?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman."
• (Jerry) "Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?"
• (George Costanza) "Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's."
• (Jerry) "It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, or it could be a proctologist."
• (Jerry) "Yeah. Proctologist."
• (George Costanza) "Come on. No doctor would put that on his car."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.""

• (George Costanza) "I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex -- fugitive sex. Now, it's like every time"
• (Jerry) "George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex -- I've got a cockfight to focus on."

• (Elaine) "Oh, Stuart's a lot better. "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.""

• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, can you keep a secret?"
• (Elaine) "No sir, I can't."

• (George Costanza) "Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans."
• (Jerry) "Those belong to people."

• (Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
• (George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
• (Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
• (George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
• (Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?"
• (Elaine) "That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents."
• (Jerry) "Still a ripoff."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
• (Jerry) "Boy, you can really talk some trash."
• (Jerry) "I guess that's better than eating it."

• (George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"

• (Jerry) "So, did they get tired of Koko yet?"
• (George Costanza) "Oh yeah."
• (Jerry) "Zero zero?"
• (George Costanza) "That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
• (Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."

• (Unnamed) "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?"
• (Jerry) "Yes."

• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
• (George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""

• (Jerry) "The road less taken is less taken for a reason."

• (Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
• (Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
• (Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Mmm -- boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch"

• (Elaine) "Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul."

• (Jerry) "Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?"
• (Newman) "As a matter of fact, I did."
• (Jerry) "Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame."

• (George Costanza) "Do women know about shrinkage?"
• (Elaine) "What do you mean? Like laundry?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Jerry) "Like when a man goes swimming -- afterwards --"
• (Elaine) "It shrinks?"
• (Jerry) "Like a frigthened turtle."
• (Elaine) "Why does it shrink?"
• (George Costanza) "It just does."
• (Elaine) "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

• (Jerry) "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."

• (George Costanza) "You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting."
• (Jerry) "To Latvian Orthodox?"
• (George Costanza) "Yeah, why not, what do I care --"
• (Jerry) "Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes."
• (Elaine) "I think it would be romantic."
• (George Costanza) "Really?"
• (Elaine) "Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh."
• (George Costanza) "King Edward."
• (George Costanza) "Like King Edward, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You'd better be careful with that coat -- You'll start a war."

• (George Costanza) "Did you get the video camera?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box."
• (Jerry) "That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora.""
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well, she had one too."

• (Jerry) "What the hell is that crap?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's Pagliacci, Jerry."

• (George Costanza) "No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
• (Jerry) "They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry."
• (George Costanza) "Blackberry, boysenberry."
• (Jerry) "Boysenberry, huckleberry."
• (George Costanza) "Huckleberry, raspberry."
• (Jerry) "Raspberry, strawberry."
• (George Costanza) "Strawberry, cranberry."
• (Jerry) "Peach."

• (Jerry) "Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They want to know how come they never see you."

• (Jackie Chiles) "You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove."

• (George Costanza) "Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face."

• (George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"

• (Ronnie) "I've been living a lie."
• (George Costanza) "You've been living a lie? I've been living -- like twenty."

• (Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
• (Jerry) "You're serious?"
• (Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
• (Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."

• (Elaine) "Okay, what's your answer to number 74?"
• (Ben) "Uh, metabolic acidosis."
• (Elaine) "No. Hypokalemia. Not metabolic acidosis. Duh."

• (George Costanza) "They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour."

• (George Costanza) "And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine."
• (Jerry) "That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add --"

• (George Costanza)

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.