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Seinfeld (season 4) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 4) is a television program that was first aired in 1992 on NBC. Seinfeld completed its run in 1993.

Seinfeld (season 4) was on for 24 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 4) Quotes

  • (George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."
  • (Jerry) "I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it."
  • (Jenna) "When were you going to tell me this?"
  • (Jerry) "Obviously never."
  • (Elaine) "How can you show your face around there?"
  • (Jerry) "Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier."
  • (Jerry) "And a deadbolt."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
  • (Jerry) "No, no."
  • (George Costanza) "No. No."
  • (Jerry) "No steam."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."
  • (Jerry) "See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot."
  • (George Costanza) "Really?"
  • (Jerry) "Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land."
  • (George Costanza) "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
  • (Jerry) "You think?"
  • (George Costanza) "I think we have."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, maybe we have."
  • (George Costanza) "This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I thought you said she stinks."
  • (Jerry) "She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry."
  • (Elaine) "A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yes, you. You and every woman like you."
  • (George Costanza) "Do women know about shrinkage?"
  • (Elaine) "What do you mean? Like laundry?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Jerry) "Like when a man goes swimming -- afterwards --"
  • (Elaine) "It shrinks?"
  • (Jerry) "Like a frigthened turtle."
  • (Elaine) "Why does it shrink?"
  • (George Costanza) "It just does."
  • (Elaine) "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
  • (George Costanza) "A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
  • (Jerry) "You walk around with no underwear."
  • (George Costanza) "Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?"
  • (Jerry) "I do a wash."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack."
  • (Jerry) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza."
  • (Jerry) "I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
  • (George Costanza) "What is a gander, anyway?"
  • (Jerry) "It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it."
  • (George Costanza) "Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends --"
  • (Jerry) "That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends."
  • (Jerry) "Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either --"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."
  • (George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"
  • (George Costanza) "For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow."
  • (Newman) "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control -- information."
  • (Jerry) "I think the candy comes out over there."
  • (George Costanza) "People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up."
  • (Jerry) "Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth."
  • (Elaine) "I got shooshed during Desperado."
  • (Jerry) "Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado --"
  • (George Costanza) "You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes."
  • (Jerry) "You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him."
  • (George Costanza) "All right, Superman's the exception."
  • (Jerry) "Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night."
  • (Elaine) "I know. I woke up with this."
  • (Jerry) "Oh. Hello tetanus."
  • (Jerry) "Well, what does this mean?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax."
  • (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
  • (George Costanza) "Hmmm."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
  • (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
  • (Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."
  • (Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
  • (Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
  • (Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."
  • (George Costanza) "All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance."
  • (Jerry) "You've made some fine exits."
  • (Elaine) "We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people."
  • (Kruger) "The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?"
  • (George Costanza) "Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane."
  • (George Costanza) "Alright, that's it for me, you've been great. Good night, everybody."
  • (Jerry) "Hey, Jughead."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hi, Archie."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Veronica."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Mr. Weatherbee."
  • (Jerry) "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
  • (Elaine) "My father thought George was gay."
  • (Jerry) "It must have been the singing."
  • (Elaine) "No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay."
  • (Jerry) "Oh right, the new job. How is it?"
  • (George Costanza) "I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm."
  • (Jerry) "So who's the new you?"
  • (George Costanza) "We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school."
  • (Jerry) "That -- is one magic loogie."
  • (Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."
  • (Newman) "Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, where's he going?"
  • (Newman) "I think he's stealing our rickshaw."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh then he's out."
  • (Homeless Man) "I'll take the job."
  • (Homeless Man) "Potato salad."
  • (Jerry) "So, did they get tired of Koko yet?"
  • (George Costanza) "Oh yeah."
  • (Jerry) "Zero zero?"
  • (George Costanza) "That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa."
  • (George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, go around, you buncha crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed."
  • (Jerry) "He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys --"
  • (Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
  • (George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
  • (Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
  • (Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."
  • (George Costanza) "I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances."
  • (Jerry) "You have made some good exits."
  • (Jerry) "All right, hey, you've been great. See you at the cafeteria."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time."
  • (George Costanza) "Why?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that coffee table book I wrote?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the company sold the movie rights to it."
  • (George Costanza) "How are they going to make that book into a movie?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day"."
  • (Jerry) "Oh. So, how much are they paying you?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time."
  • (Jerry) "That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm officially retired."
  • (Jerry) "From what?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I think he's done guys."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "No he's not. He's throwing the WOODS."
  • (George Costanza) "Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans."
  • (Jerry) "Those belong to people."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side."
  • (Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
  • (Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
  • (Jerry) "Write it off what?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
  • (Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
  • (Jerry) "No, I don't."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."
  • (George Costanza) "I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up"."
  • (Elaine) "Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?"
  • (George Costanza) "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?"
  • (Jerry) "This woman's completely ignoring me."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster -- Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer."
  • (Jerry) "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."
  • (Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
  • (Elaine) "Opium?"
  • (Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."
  • (Jerry) "What the hell is that crap?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's Pagliacci, Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest; something's gotta give."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "May I have one of those, madame?"
  • (Izzy Mandelbaum) "Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian."
  • (Jerry) "Actually, I am a comedian."
  • (Izzy Mandelbaum) "That's not funny."
  • (Jerry) "You with these too?"
  • (George Costanza) "I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method; he jumps."
  • (Jerry) "Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich."
  • (Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
  • (Jerry) "Line 2?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."
  • (Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
  • (George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
  • (Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."
  • (Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."
  • (Jerry) "Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up."
  • (Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."
  • (Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You'd better be careful with that coat -- You'll start a war."
  • (Elaine) "It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?"
  • (Jerry) "But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
  • (Jerry) "Yada, Yada, Yada."
  • (Jerry) "It's Jerry. Who's this?"
  • (Valerie) "It's Valerie."
  • (Jerry) "Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?"
  • (Valerie) "I'll tell you what's up; my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you."
  • (Jerry) "Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?"
  • (Jerry) "Why not "G-Bone"?"
  • (George Costanza) "There's no G-Bone."
  • (Jerry) "There's a g-spot."
  • (George Costanza) "HEY. That's a myth."
  • (George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
  • (Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
  • (George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
  • (Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
  • (George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
  • (Newman) "Hey, thanks."
  • (George Costanza) "I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker."
  • (Jerry) "The Daily Worker has personals?"
  • (George Costanza) "And; get this; they said that appearance wasn't important."
  • (Jerry) "Yours or hers?"
  • (Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."
  • (Unnamed) "You're insane."
  • (Jerry) "Oh yes, quite."
  • (Jerry) "Of course, it's a sliding scale."
  • (Elaine) "Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Mmm -- boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch"
  • (George Costanza) "So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island."
  • (Jerry) "Maybe."
  • (George Costanza) "This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island."
  • (Elaine) "What are you doing?"
  • (Unnamed) "Vincent stopped making picks."
  • (Elaine) "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?"
  • (Unnamed) "We have a wide variety of Gene Picks."
  • (Elaine) "Gene's trash."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm Gene."
  • (Elaine) "Hi."
  • (George Costanza) "This could be my chance to give something back."
  • (Jerry) "You want to give something back, start with the $20,000."
  • (Elaine) "What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?"
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, sit down, I can't see."
  • (Unnamed) "Get out of the way."
  • (Elaine) "I can't find my seat."
  • (Unnamed) "Just move."
  • (Elaine) "No, you move."
  • (George Costanza) "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood."
  • (Jerry) "See -- I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand."
  • (Jerry) "People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
  • (George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You got money?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have a woman?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any prospects?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You got anything on the horizon?"
  • (George Costanza) "Uh, no."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any action at all?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
  • (George Costanza) "I like to get the Daily News."
  • (Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."
  • (George Costanza) "I got to go home and take a nap."
  • (Jerry) "It's 10:30 in the morning."
  • (George Costanza) "I'll tell you, I am wiped."
  • (George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."
  • (Frank Costanza) "I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman."
  • (Estelle Costanza) "Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them."
  • (Dean Jones) "Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
  • (Dean Jones) "As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken."
  • (Dean Jones) "I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary."
  • (Dean Jones) "Your fly's open."
  • (Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
  • (Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."
  • (Elaine) "I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT."
  • (Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
  • (Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
  • (Elaine) "I don't understand."
  • (Jerry) "Exactly."
  • (Gary Fogel) "Good for you, Jack."
  • (Jerry) "Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "They want to know how come they never see you."
  • (George Costanza) "I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today."
  • (Jerry) "Didn't you call in sick yesterday?"
  • (George Costanza) "Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care -- and it shows."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year."
  • (Jerry) "It's your third day."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later."
  • (Jerry) "Well, call if you're gonna be late."
  • (Jerry) "Ah, you're crazy."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?"
  • (Jerry) "It's impossible."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?"
  • (Jerry) "It can't be."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
  • (Jerry) "All right, that's enough."
  • (George Costanza) "I like DeSoto."
  • (Jerry) "DeSoto? What did he do?"
  • (George Costanza) "He discovered Mississippi."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway."
  • (Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket."
  • (George Costanza) "How do you know?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died."
  • (George Costanza) "51 people? I thought it was more like 1000."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "There were 1,560 survivors."
  • (George Costanza) "That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Keith Hernandez."
  • (Newman) "Keith Hernandez. I despise that man."
  • (Jerry) "Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life."
  • (Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."
  • (Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
  • (George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning."
  • (Elaine) "I don't understand; you were wearing the pants you were returning?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I guess I was."
  • (Elaine) "What were you going to wear home?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there."
  • (Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
  • (Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
  • (George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
  • (Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
  • (Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."
  • (George Costanza) "Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all -- at all -- Do not feel like you have to take it."
  • (Jerry) "Why?"
  • (George Costanza) "If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it -- because, uh, you know -- I-I-I could take it, you know."
  • (Jerry) "You could take it? You want it?"
  • (George Costanza) "No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it."
  • (Jerry) "So you -- do want it?"
  • (George Costanza) "No, I want it if you don't want it."
  • (Jerry) "You just said you wanted it."
  • (George Costanza) "No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it."
  • (George Costanza) "Only I could fail at failing."
  • (Unnamed) "I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand."
  • (Elaine) "It's ironic."
  • (Unnamed) "What's ironic?"
  • (Elaine) "This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties."
  • (Unnamed) "No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
  • (Jerry) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
  • (Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
  • (Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."
  • (Jerry) "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo."
  • (Jerry) "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."
  • (Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
  • (Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
  • (Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
  • (Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"
  • (Elaine) "Ugh, I hate people."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, they're the worst."
  • (Jerry) "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer -- but not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure -- my twinkle. Everything I have I owe to this face."
  • (Jerry) "And your teeth -- they're all brown."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Look away. I'm hideous."
  • (Elaine) "Why does everything have to be so -- jokey with you?"
  • (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
  • (Jerry) "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away."
  • (Noel) "I am breaking up with YOU."
  • (George Costanza) "You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
  • (Noel) "And you're going to need it --"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hello -- What Delay Industries?"
  • (George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment."
  • (George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay Industries."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, no problem."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "How did you know who that was?"
  • (Jerry) "And you wanna be my latex salesman?"
  • (Unnamed) "Have you been in here before?"
  • (George Costanza) "About a year ago. Wedding invitations."
  • (Unnamed) "How did that work out?"
  • (George Costanza) "No complaints."
  • (Jerry) "What is this salty discharge?"
  • (George Costanza) "Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home."
  • (George Costanza) ""Sweet fancy Moses""
  • (Jerry) "Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Sure."
  • (Jerry) "Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance."
  • (Pam) "That is so true."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened --"
  • (Newman) "-- shell."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell."
  • (Pam) "Kramer, that is so lovely."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's by an unknown 20th century poet."
  • (Pam) "Oh? What's his name?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Newman."
  • (George Costanza) "So I reached in -- felt around -- and pulled out the obstruction."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh."
  • (George Costanza) "But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?"
  • (Jerry) "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?"
  • (George Costanza) "Flame on."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe."
  • (George Costanza) "That's unbelievable."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital."
  • (George Costanza) "You ran?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy; step on it.""
  • (George Costanza) "Holy cow."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy.""
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Knocked him out cold."
  • (George Costanza) "How could you do that?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
  • (Jerry) "Wow."
  • (George Costanza) "You're Batman."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."
  • (Jerry) "You kept making all the stops?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, people kept ringing the bell."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I bought a chicken."
  • (George Costanza) "Allow me."
  • (George Costanza) "Why?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Cage-free farm-fresh eggs."
  • (Jerry) "Allow me."
  • (Jerry) "What are you, an idiot?"
  • (David Puddy) "Feels like an Arby's night."
  • (Jerry) "So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you."
  • (George Costanza) "They could've at least tried --"
  • (Jerry) "But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye."
  • (George Costanza) "I love you, Jer."
  • (Jerry) "Right back at you, slick."
  • (Jerry) "I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see -- a nipple."
  • (George Costanza) "George is gettin' upset."
  • (George Costanza) "I have to have my tonsils taken out."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, man. No. George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you."
  • (Jerry) "It's routine surgery."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) ""My name is Bob.""
  • (Ronnie) "I've been living a lie."
  • (George Costanza) "You've been living a lie? I've been living -- like twenty."
  • (Jerry) "Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Giddyup."
  • (Jerry) "Now, get out."
  • (George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"
  • (George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
  • (Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
  • (George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
  • (Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
  • (George Costanza) "You think so?"
  • (Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
  • (Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."
  • (George Costanza) "You could always move in with my parents."
  • (Elaine) "Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?"
  • (George Costanza) "Instinct."
  • (Elaine) "Stick with the opposite."
  • (Blaine) "What was bad about The English Patient?"
  • (Elaine) "Only that it sucked."
  • (Jerry) "What's this? You said you were watching a video."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage."
  • (Jackie Chiles) "You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?"
  • (Jerry) "Because you're not a dermatologist."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted."
  • (Jerry) "Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his -- other bag of cans."
  • (Jerry) "You know you're not Chinese."
  • (George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
  • (George Costanza) "Of course you do."
  • (Elaine) "You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high."
  • (Jerry) "I went out with you."
  • (Elaine) "That's because my standards are too low."
  • (Elaine) "YOU'RE BALD."
  • (George Costanza) "Correction. I WAS bald."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."
  • (Elaine) "Married women don't "get together". They have affairs."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money."
  • (Elaine) "What's this? What happened to your fur?"
  • (David Puddy) "I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball."
  • (Elaine) "So you're going to wear this all the time?"
  • (David Puddy) "All signs point to yes."
  • (Frank Costanza) "I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona."
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman."
  • (Jerry) "Boogeyman."
  • (Elaine) "Boogey?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Here's to feeling good all the time."
  • (Jerry) "She has never been with a man in her entire life."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "-- I'm Kramer."
  • (Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
  • (Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
  • (Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."
  • (Marlene) "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
  • (Jerry) "You're a cashier."
  • (Mr. Lippman) "It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?"
  • (George Costanza) "Who said that?"
  • (Mr. Lippman) "She did."
  • (George Costanza) "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon -- you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time."
  • (Mr. Lippman) "You're fired."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, you didn't have to say it like that."
  • (George Costanza) "It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal."
  • (Jerry) "Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?"
  • (George Costanza) "I gotta call Elaine."
  • (Jerry) "She's out."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, yeah. The blind date."
  • (Jerry) "They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."
  • (Corinne) "George maybe we should move away."
  • (George Costanza) "That won't be necessary."
  • (George Costanza) "Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats. We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you -- and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT."
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, it's B.O."
  • (Jerry) "But the whole car smells."
  • (Elaine) "So?"
  • (Jerry) "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, this is interesting --"
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "Jane's topless."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yo yo ma."
  • (Jerry) "Boutros Boutros Ghali --"
  • (Elaine) "Nice rack."
  • (Riley) "Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp."
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you."
  • (Riley) "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah well -- I had sex with your wife."
  • (Unnamed) "His wife is in a coma."
  • (Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"
  • (Jerry) "Why don't you watch it at your place?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN."
  • (Jerry) "Hola."
  • (Elaine) "Shove it."
  • (Jerry) "What's with the get up?"
  • (Elaine) "I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day."
  • (Jerry) "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."
  • (George Costanza) "She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on."
  • (Jerry) "Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on."
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
  • (George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
  • (George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""
  • (Unnamed) "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?"
  • (Jerry) "Yes."
  • (George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
  • (George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."
  • (Jerry) "George Costanza -- Is getting married."
  • (Elaine) "Get out."
  • (George Costanza) "Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?"
  • (Jerry) "No, what happened to you?"
  • (George Costanza) "All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries"."
  • (Jerry) "I'm Vandelay Industries?"
  • (George Costanza) "Right."
  • (Jerry) "What is that?"
  • (George Costanza) "You're in latex."
  • (Jerry) "What do I do with latex?"
  • (George Costanza) "I don't know, you manufacture it."
  • (Elaine) "Right here in this little apartment?"
  • (Jerry) "And what do I say about you?"
  • (George Costanza) "You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman."
  • (Jerry) "I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?"
  • (George Costanza) "Because I asked you to."
  • (Jerry) "If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio."
  • (George Costanza) "Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin' -- Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car --"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum."
  • (Jerry) "Is this a gym or a fitness museum?"
  • (George Costanza) "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
  • (Jerry) "Cheapness is not a sense."
  • (Elaine) "Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie."
  • (Jerry) "I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better."
  • (George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."
  • (George Costanza) "I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all."
  • (George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola."
  • (George Costanza) "You've got to apologize."
  • (Jerry) "Why?"
  • (George Costanza) "Because its the mature and adult thing to do."
  • (Jerry) "How does that affect me?"
  • (Jerry) "You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate."
  • (Newman) "What? I love broccoli."
  • (Jerry) "Oh yeah? Taste."
  • (Newman) "Vile weed."
  • (Jerry) "You know, I never expected that movie --"
  • (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "To end under water."
  • (Jerry) "To be so long. Usually movies like that --"
  • (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "Are a lot more violent."
  • (Jerry) "Are a lot shorter."
  • (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "I should --"
  • (Jerry) "Get going."
  • (George Costanza) "You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting."
  • (Jerry) "To Latvian Orthodox?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah, why not, what do I care --"
  • (Jerry) "Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes."
  • (Elaine) "I think it would be romantic."
  • (George Costanza) "Really?"
  • (Elaine) "Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh."
  • (George Costanza) "King Edward."
  • (George Costanza) "Like King Edward, Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza."
  • (Uncle Leo) "Jerry -- H E L L O"
  • (Jerry) "Where's Marcy?"
  • (George Costanza) "She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Smooth -- Creamy -- Delicate, yet -- Masculine --."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal."
  • (Jerry) "Is she?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh you better believe it buddy."
  • (Unnamed) "Can I help you?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st -- How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe."
  • (George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
  • (Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."
  • (George Costanza) "She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk.""
  • (Jerry) "Uh, the four worst words in the English language."
  • (George Costanza) "That, or "Who's bra is this?""
  • (George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."
  • (Jerry) "Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good; what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine."
  • (George Costanza) "Celia is up for parole."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Who?"
  • (George Costanza) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "I'm too tired."
  • (Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
  • (Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
  • (George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
  • (Cushman) "Go on."
  • (George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
  • (Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
  • (George Costanza) "Of course."
  • (Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
  • (George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."
  • (George Costanza) "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
  • (Jerry) "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend --"
  • (George Costanza) "Yes, yes, yes --"
  • (Jerry) "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk --"
  • (George Costanza) "Okay, the point is made."
  • (Jerry) "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen --"
  • (Jerry) "The bad tipper."
  • (Enzo) "How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?"
  • (Newman) "What's the catch?"
  • (Enzo) "You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair."
  • (Newman) "Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts -- and a comb."
  • (George Costanza) "Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday."
  • (George Costanza) "Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work."
  • (Jerry) "I've never had a job."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
  • (Jerry) "Boy, you can really talk some trash."
  • (Jerry) "I guess that's better than eating it."
  • (Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
  • (Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."
  • (George Costanza) "You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
  • (Elaine) "I've yada yada'ed sex."
  • (George Costanza) "Really?"
  • (Elaine) "Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
  • (Jerry) "But you yada yada'd over the best part."
  • (Elaine) "No, I mentioned the bisque."
  • (George Costanza) "Did you get the video camera?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box."
  • (Jerry) "That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora.""
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well, she had one too."
  • (Jerry) "WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit --"
  • (Unnamed) "Jerry, what are you doing?"
  • (Jerry) "I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "That's a lotta potatoes."
  • (Rental Car Agent) "Would you like insurance?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car."
  • (Frank Costanza) "I have been performing feats of strength all morning."
  • (Jerry) "So your saying UNICEF is a scam?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."
  • (George Costanza) "I was raised to say 'God bless you.'"
  • (George Costanza) "Ah, shut up."
  • (George Costanza) "I got to get out of this city."
  • (Jerry) "So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?"
  • (Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"
  • (Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
  • (Jerry) "You're serious?"
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
  • (Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."
  • (George Costanza) "I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting -- I feel like Robert Wagner in there."
  • (Morty Seinfeld) "We just came for the funeral."
  • (Helen Seinfeld) "Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early."
  • (Jerry) "He was 96 years old."
  • (Morty Seinfeld) "And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Is this oak?"
  • (Mr. Lager) "Think it's pine."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Pine is good."
  • (Mr. Lager) "Yeah, pine's okay."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened?"
  • (Elaine) "Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head; was Mary Hart on TV?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah."
  • (Elaine) "That's it. That is it. Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures."
  • (Jerry) "Yes?"
  • (Unnamed) "Jerry Seinfeld?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?"
  • (Unnamed) "What cigars?"
  • (Jerry) "Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes. We are the Cubans."
  • (Jerry) "Trouble."
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "George."
  • (Elaine) "Is it?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah."
  • (Elaine) "Damn."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty."
  • (Elaine) "You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."
  • (George Costanza) "It doesn't help."
  • (Jerry) "Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's not illegal."
  • (Jerry) "It's against the law."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, yeah --"
  • (George Steinbrenner) "So -- it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?"
  • (Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."
  • (Jerry) "It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey"; what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side; the Spanish Galleon." -there's no comeback for that."
  • (Tony) "I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?"
  • (Jerry) "The washer fluid is fine --"
  • (Tony) "The washer fluid is not fine."
  • (Jerry) "Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life."
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "She's dating him again?"
  • (Jerry) "She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order."
  • (George Costanza) "Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane."
  • (Jerry) "Really, how?"
  • (George Costanza) "Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign."
  • (Jerry) "Righ

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