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Sgt. Bilko Quotes

Sgt. Bilko is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . Sgt. Bilko ended its run in 1970.

It features Brian Grazer as producer, Alan Silvestri in charge of musical score, and Peter Sova as head of cinematography.

Sgt. Bilko is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Sgt. Bilko is 94 minutes long. Sgt. Bilko is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: Steve Martin as Bilko, Daryl Mitchell as Wally, Max Casella as Paparelli, Pamela Adlon as Barbella, Brian Leckner as Fender, Mitchell Whitfield as Zimmerman, Dan Ferro as Morales, Glenne Headly as Rita Robbins, Austin Pendleton as Major Ebersole, Pamela Adlon as Sgt. Raquel Barbella, John Marshall Jones as Sgt. Henshaw, Pamela Adlon as Sgt. Barbella, Eric Edwards as Doberman, Steve Martin as Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko, and Charles C. Stevenson as Minister.

Sgt. Bilko Quotes

Max Casella as Paparelli

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Steve Martin as Bilko

  • (Steve Martin) "All right, you've seen real soldiers before, just -- do what they do."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted."
  • (Steve Martin) "Hello, soldiers."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions."
  • (Max Casella) "He's got a plan."
  • (Brian Leckner) "He sure does."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "He's not worried."
  • (Dan Ferro) "Not a bit."
  • (Steve Martin) "And that little boy's dream came true -- but now,they're trying to snatch that dream back from him."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "He's worried."
  • (Dan Ferro) "It's not good."
  • (Steve Martin) "But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O. Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No. Never. Well kind of, but not really, because there is no way I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan. A P-L-A-N; plan."
  • (Steve Martin) "But, ha ha ha."
  • (Max Casella) "He's got no plan."
  • (Dan Ferro) "We're screwed."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "I have a plan, Sarge."
  • (Steve Martin) "But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,"
  • (Steve Martin) "is just a little puppy."
  • (Steve Martin) "A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm paralyzed. I have no feeling from the hair down. Make the bad man stop."
  • (Steve Martin) "I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized."
  • (Steve Martin) "Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about Tony is this: he doesn't takes showers because it fogs up the mirror. And finally, the manchild of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe, look out girls, he hates to dine alone, Private Duaaane Doberman."
  • (Eric Edwards) "Aw, Sarge."
  • (Steve Martin) "Doberman doesn't take showers either but for an entirely different and much more frightening reason."
  • (Steve Martin) "I can barely move my legs. / Do me a favor and kill me now. / Something, something rhymes with "legs". / My life is over anyhow."
  • (Steve Martin) "All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
  • (Steve Martin) "You look fantastic, have you lost weight?"
  • (Colonel Hall) "What is that?"
  • (Steve Martin) "That's horse s***, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive the vehicles" --"
  • (Colonel Hall) "What's it doing there?"
  • (Steve Martin) "It keeps the flies off the food, sir. There's no way you can tell what wrong with an engine when it's just sitting on the block --"
  • (Colonel Hall) "Off the food?"
  • (Steve Martin) "It's an experimental program, I'd say the results are mixed."
  • (Pamela Adlon) "It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir."
  • (John Marshall Jones) "And fresher too."
  • (Steve Martin) "You manipulated me. How could you?"
  • (Glenne Headly) "Why not? I have a masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko."
  • (Steve Martin) "Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "I don't gamble."
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, what is it you do do?"
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "Permission to speak freely --"
  • (Steve Martin) "Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life."
  • (Steve Martin) "Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?"
  • (Steve Martin) "If they come, deny everything. Just act dumb. Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that."
  • (Steve Martin) "Let's go campers. It's 10am. Time to start the day."
  • (Steve Martin) "Hey, Paparelli, how are those tickets going for the Meet Stormin' Norman barbeque?"
  • (Max Casella) "It's a sellout, Sarge."
  • (Steve Martin) "Did you find a lookalike?"
  • (Max Casella) "We found one."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ahh. No wonder they call me a Master Sergeant."
  • (Assistant Casino Manager) "You seem to be having quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Yes, go down to your vault and tell the rest of your money to be patient, we'll be together soon."
  • (Steve Martin) "Rita, you can't marry Thorn, you're not in love with him. Think of the children, I mean, you're Catholic and he's an -- asshole. How would you raise them?"

Charles C. Stevenson as Minister

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Pamela Adlon as Sgt. Raquel Barbella

  • (Pamela Adlon) "Sarge, you're crying."
  • (Steve Martin) "It's just so beautiful."
  • (Pamela Adlon) "Give me the ring. You were the best man last time."
  • (John Marshall Jones) "He didn't get married last time, that don't count."
  • (Pamela Adlon) "It's my turn."
  • (John Marshall Jones) "How are you gonna be best man?"
  • (Pfc. Wally Holbrook) "What's going on?"
  • (Pamela Adlon) "It's Private Doberman, he's the one that looks sort of human. Last night in the gym he said, "I feel as strong as a horse." Some guy from Company P overheard him and said, "Yeah, for how much?". That's the golden rule around here, you don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up."

Daryl Mitchell as Wally

  • (Daryl Mitchell) "Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Why, what's wrong with Doberman?"
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "He wet his bed."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, well, once in a while --"
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "No, he did it from across the room."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "Permission to speak freely, Sarge."
  • (Steve Martin) "Permission? What, are we in Russia? Say anything you want."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "Sarge, they let you do this?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I never asked. They'd probably say no, it is an army post."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "You men are soldiers. Guardians of freedom. And frankly I don't think there's a man or woman here who's taken their service oath seriously."
  • (Brian Leckner) "You know what? I'm gonna kill him."
  • (Steve Martin) "Fender."
  • (Steve Martin) "Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the Army."
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "They are."
  • (Steve Martin) "No kidding?"
  • (Daryl Mitchell) "Hey, Sarge. Get up. Hurry."
  • (Steve Martin) "What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover. Gather all the men. Man the battle stations. And --"
  • (Steve Martin) "What's that music?"

Glenne Headly as Rita Robbins

  • (Major Thorn) "If any of this is frightening, you can hold on to me."
  • (Glenne Headly) "They're dancing Raisinets."
  • (Major Thorn) "And you don't find that frightening?"
  • (Glenne Headly) "Ernie, are we going to dance tonight?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, thats up to you. I remember the last time we danced I accidently stepped on your knee."
  • (Glenne Headly) "I just need to find out how much he really loves me."
  • (MSgt. Stan Sowicki) "He loves you plenty."
  • (Glenne Headly) "More than he loves Las Vegas?"
  • (MSgt. Stan Sowicki) "That's asking a lot."

Austin Pendleton as Major Ebersole

  • (Austin Pendleton) "Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the hover tank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond."
  • (Colonel Hall) "Good. Very good."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "Yeah. Then it will engage the targets. The cannon, boom, the ammunition dump, kaboom, that truck, boom."
  • (Colonel Hall) "Excellent. Though, one thought. Maybe it should be boom, boom, then kaboom. You know, save that kaboom for the very last, kind of like a hoo-ah grand finale. What do you think, Major?"
  • (Austin Pendleton) "I'll make a note of it, sir."

John Marshall Jones as Sgt. Henshaw

  • (Major Thorn) "Are these yours?"
  • (John Marshall Jones) "It is my understanding that you can longer ask me these questions, sir."
  • (Colonel Hall) "It's a new army, Major. We're all adjusting."
  • (John Marshall Jones) ""Can't" is a four letter word in this platoon."

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